How do I let go, or should I even?

[Plinco]

Everyone is saying to forgive and forget, but how exactly does one forgive and forget?

Move on and stop focusing on it. OP needs to feel like he deserves a better situation in his life and focus and pursue accordingly. There's tons of other potential friends and women out there that's better for him. Getting revenge in this situation is not going to accomplish anything.

 

[The Diver]

Offered me friendship? What are you talking about?

Why do I hold resentment? I was emotionally invested in her and the way things ended was dishonest, so I wasn't happy about it but it's college and life went on, no big deal...

But then my best friend f***s her in the bed next to me in a shared hotel room, after much protesting by me, and you're asking me what she did wrong and wondering why it bothers me?

How do you think you'd feel if your best friend f***ed an ex you used to care about, who did you wrong, a few short feet away from the bed you're in, after being threatened into submission?

How the hell do you think this is about ego? I don't want to see her, but when I do, like I did on Facebook, I'd not like to see that her life is on the up-and-up. I'd like for her life to suck a little bit, to see that karma has made its way around to her, that there was some sort of justice in the world.

This thread was about whether this resentment should hold me back from moving forward with plans that I made with Dave, seeing as I still harbor resentment about the situation, but directed at her, not him. I think you kinda missed the point here.

Let me see if I understand.

Many years ago you dated a girl. At some point, she breaks up with you. You convinced her to get back to you. She did for a short time, then broke up with you, this time for good. You did some stupid s*"t, and eventually, she ghosted you all together. ( Can't see dishonesty here on her part.).

A few years later, you crossed paths and she bangs your best friend one meter away from you.
Ok, so at this point we can establish she's a trash.

Your friend apologized sincerely, you kind of forgave him, and you both moved on.

This friend invited you to his bachelor party, which you excepted.

Then, after all this years, from nowhere, this girl popped up and brought up some bad memories.
you didn't block her up because you wanted to see how she's doing in life.
And because she is doing well, after all these years, you resented her even more than before. And because of this trash girl you resent ( not your male friend), you considering again if to go to his party , even though you have no resentment toward him .

So, after all these years, with all the experience and the knowledge you gained , you let a trash girl from the far past affect your life decisions, today.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

That's the language we know how to use here on this forum, or between men for that matter.

"Look at what a weak man you are for allowing the world to affect you!"
"Other people are trash for doing trashy things!"

Thankfully, there is some nuance to the 2nd.
When it comes to oneself, there is little guidance on how to go about letting go, even when it is explicitly asked for.
What's the purpose of putting another down, if you cannot touch base and give what is asked for?

Im busy over here. I won't sit down for too much longer and do my thing.
B, you hate my journal, but the last four pages or so are almost exclusively about letting go.

Letting go begins with letting be.
You can decide that blocking someone's existence from your life is what you need in that moment, but that doesn't get rid of the blocked energies inside of you. Which is what you're experiencing now.

The way that I know, is to sit with it. To sit with yourself. That, when you feel your trigger, you stop looking for solutions and start looking at it and getting as close to being it as you can.
To allow your pain and emotion and to let it exist.
To accept it and develop comfort with it.
To investigate it and come to further understand it.
Then to nourish it; to be friendly with your inner world, rather than a tyrant.

It's quite opposite to what we are taught.
But we can relax our shoulders and our chest, and we can breathe deep and let go of the shards we store in our hearts.

It can help to write letters to each of them, so that you can get the words out of your mind and have more clarity and ease when you meet them.
The revenge is your own honest equanimity.
And that's your work.

 

[All_Kindz_Of_Gainz]

This might be a long post, but this girl just popped up in my Facebook suggested friends and it brought me back...so now I'm very angry looking at how well her life's been going so I want to get this off my chest. Please don't expect a TL;DR for this, if it's too long, just don't read it.

This is probably the worst thing somebody's done to me.

I met this girl when I was a junior in college. She was very attractive, we hit it off, had a good thing going. Let's call her Sara. She gave me the ultimatum that she wanted to be exclusive, and I agreed. This was back when Snapchat had the top friends on who you talked to most often, and the entire time we were together we were each other's top friend.

Things were going well for a while, but then she had a conversation with me about wanting to break up because she would be moving to Florida with her family for several months out of the summer. She didn't want to hold me back by having a long-distance relationship, but I was much more of an AFC then and decided to fight for "us". She reneged, if only temporarily, but after some more time she was more insistent on the break up by the time her family vacation rolled around, and committed to it this time. I did some really cringe s*** to try to get a response, but I was being ghosted. Eventually I fell out of her Snapchat friends, and noticed a new guy was now in the top spot. I was still being ghosted so I reached out to her sister and asked about the guy, explaining who I was and what my relationship with her had been. The sister told me she had been dating and talking to this guy for a while, and that I hadn't even been mentioned to the sister.

I called her out, and got a response this time; "how do you know about him?" After that she started blowing up my phone trying to get answers on how I knew, but at that point I stopped responding and moved on.

Fast forward a few years and I get a job at my local gym and make friends with a guy, let's call him Dave. He's very much like me; enjoys going out, decent with women, we split things evenly, had a good thing going. At the time I'd probably consider him my best friend. We spent a lot of time together, both inside and outside of work.

One year he invites me to go down with him and some other of his friends to a hotel they booked at a nearby party spot by the beach for Memorial Day weekend. I agreed, one of his friends I knew from high school and we were cool. The other guy I hadn't met before but he was equally cool, so we all got along pretty well.

Unfortunately the trip is a little underwhelming for me, and I'm kind of in a mood about how much money I spent down there to be crowded with a bunch of sweaty guys at these beach bars...sweltering in the sun and being malnourished and drunk all day. My friends had all went to day drink, I decided to relax and recover so I could make it out to the night festivities. Dave's friends show up in the evening drunk at the room and decide to pass out for a bit. Dave is still out at one of the bars, so I go to one of the other bars to be by myself for a bit.

While out, I'm still in a funk hanging out by myself on the railing overlooking the band when a drunk couple backs up into the rail next to me making out. Turns out it's Dave, and the girl he's making out with? Sara...

I interrupt and pull him to the side for a moment to explain who that is to me. He says she was one of his exes as well, and that they dated for a little after college. Note: Dave is NOT the guy she started talking to that I mentioned from the Snapchat friends. I explain to him that I understand they have history, but that this girl really ruined me emotionally for a little bit, and that I'd like him to not be making out with her in front of me. I don't vividly remember, but I think he agreed to stop. He might've resumed shortly after I asked him, because he was hammered, but I don't recall.

I was already in a mood, and that REALLY ruined my night, so I ended up walking all the way back to the hotel in a pouring thunderstorm. When I arrived the 2 other guys were there drunkenly enjoying pizza.

Not too long after I got back Dave arrives back to the room...with Sara. I lost my s***...

I started yelling, enraged, telling him that he is absolutely not bringing her back to the room, and that I know exactly what they're going to do here. I tell him to take her back to her place, a car, outside, anywhere else - but I told him I was not about to share a room with my "best friend" and an ex while they have sex.

Dave tries to calm me down, says I'm acting crazy because I'm drunk, and keeps trying to rationalize it based off the fact that he and her had history - saying she drove down with her friends and doesn't have a place to stay and that they were just going to sleep. By this point Sara's turned on the water works and starts crying, saying she's scared of me and how crazy I'm acting and doesn't understand what caused it.

The two other guys, barely knowing me, and seeing a girl crying in fear, threaten to restrain me, kick me out of the room, and deny me a ride home, seeing as I had carpooled with them to get there. I don't see a resolution that works out for me at this point, and am forced to let them in.

And guess what? By the time the lights are off and everybody drunkenly passes out, I hear them having sex in the bed right next to where I am...

The next morning I don't say a word to Dave, or really anybody else. I think I only exchanged a few words with the guy who ended up driving me back before never talking to him again either. Because Dave and I are coworkers, I'm forced to see him regularly. He still doesn't understand why I'm so upset, and makes a couple half-baked apologies "if I feel that way". Eventually I'm forced to be cordial with him as well, since he speculates that my ignoring him is a personal vendetta that's causing him to lose potential clients, seeing as he worked in membership and I would never directly ask him to come out and give a tour.

Over time I eventually forgave, but didn't forget. I left that job and didn't go out with him too often after that - and when I did I always kept him at arm's length since I knew that women were a priority above even me. He's apologized multiple times, more sincerely, but it's something I really can't ever overlook. During the pandemic he seemed to rediscover religion, started dating two Christian women, the most recent of which he met while on a cross-country road trip for his new job, and is getting married to her in December this year.

He's invited me to both the bachelor party, which is coming up in a few weeks, and wedding. I've accepted, moreso because I've never been to a bachelor party and because I enjoy weddings than because I want to attend HIS.

But then this girl pops up my Facebook suggested friends. I take a look and see that she's got couples pictures with a new guy, her family business (a horse dressage) is doing very well, and looks like she's enjoying life.

And it just really pissed me off...both that this girl's life is going so well, and that I'll be attending a wedding and bachelor party of a "friend" who was able to do this to me several years ago.

This may come across as selfish, but this did genuinely interrupt my day and I'm wondering if I should let this go, and if I should, how. Clearly if it's affected me enough to write out this post I must still be carrying that resentment.

I don't know what would satisfy me; an apology, acknowledgement that she was a s****y person, her life to suck, I don't know..some sense of justice. But I still carry this.

This is why you wasted your life chasing tail instead of developing into a great man cause you got your heart broken? That trauma is deep inside of you, did you get therapy? Its not too late though, remember, people post on social media what they wanna show, you don't know the history

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

This is why you wasted your life chasing tail instead of developing into a great man cause you got your heart broken? That trauma is deep inside of you, did you get therapy? Its not too late though, remember, people post on social media what they wanna show, you don't know the history

Frankly, I'm amazed at the power some women seem to hold over guys who think they're 'Don Juans'.

 

[Manure Spherian]

Thread shows my take I’ve often posted on this forum: hardly any “relationships” mean a damn thing. It amazes me that men have such emotional investment with women that will be gone from their lives or were never even really in them.

 

[BPH]

Many years ago you dated a girl. At some point, she breaks up with you. You convinced her to get back to you. She did for a short time, then broke up with you, this time for good. You did some stupid s*"t, and eventually, she ghosted you all together. ( Can't see dishonesty here on her part.).

She started seeing someone else while we were together. She then created the family vacation as a fake reason for wanting to break up, when really it was because she was getting feelings for this guy. Talking to the sister revealed she never mentioned me, but she did mention him - and remember, SHE was the one who wanted to be exclusive. So that's what I mean by dishonesty.

Your friend apologized sincerely, you kind of forgave him, and you both moved on.

Initially no, he apologized "if I really feel that way about it" at first. The sincerity came later, around the pandemic when he rediscovered religion and we hung out after the lockdowns. Semantics, but wanted to be specific.

And because she is doing well, after all these years, you resented her even more than before. And because of this trash girl you resent ( not your male friend), you considering again if to go to his party , even though you have no resentment toward him .

So, after all these years, with all the experience and the knowledge you gained , you let a trash girl from the far past affect your life decisions, today.

I resent her to the same degree, but I was not happy to her doing well. And because I still have that resentment towards her, I wanted to get that experience off my chest and see what this community thinks - mostly about whether that should affect these upcoming events with Dave and whether people on the forum would still even associate with him.

This is why you wasted your life chasing tail instead of developing into a great man cause you got your heart broken?

Look, I know you think a certain way about me. Purely because I sleep around and am not financially successful. I don't know what it is, maybe you feel because you're in a better position than me that you should be having the same level of success? I don't know, but your comments read similarly every time. You sound like overall excellence is needed in every area of life to be excellent in any one area or something.

I sleep with a multitude of women because I enjoy variety. I was doing that both before and after this girl.

Frankly, I'm amazed at the power some women seem to hold over guys who think they're 'Don Juans'.

Yes, because we as men are not allowed to have f***ed up. I was 19. I was emotionally overinvested in this woman at the time.

Your logic would be like telling Arnold Schwarzenegger he can't call himself a bodybuilder because at one point he was weak...

Thread shows my take I’ve often posted on this forum: hardly any “relationships” mean a damn thing. It amazes me that men have such emotional investment with women that will be gone from their lives or were never even really in them.

I was 19. I was not proud of how I handled the situation when I was with her and it was one of the first times I liked a girl enough to be exclusive with her.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Yes, because we as men are not allowed to have f***ed up. I was 19. I was emotionally overinvested in this woman at the time.

I'm talking about now, dude. Are you still emotionally over invested in this woman?

 

[BPH]

I'm talking about now, dude. Are you still emotionally over invested in this woman?

No.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

No.

See? Progress.

 

[TheGambino]

Bro I would not go to the wedding. I would def skip that girl in front of my buddy if I were Dave.
Block her everywhere and you will feel better when time passes.

Been there done that believe me, similar sh*t ten years ago.

only fvck with people that give you a good vibe and feeling not fvcking Dave, fck that guy

 

[All_Kindz_Of_Gainz]

Look, I know you think a certain way about me.

You're confused and taking the anger on people you don't know, I just ask a question. We all go with what you post.

I was doing that both before and after this girl.

Doubt. A guy who has slept with over 90+ women, has a great physique, attracts beautiful women, according to you, and is still attached to a wh0re who was dating another guy same time as you, one thing that happened 7 years ago, is either a liar or you have serious issues that you need to take care before it ruins you life forever.

The infamous razorrambo started posting exactly like you, appearing to be ChadThunderc0ck and he was the biggest afc, my spidey sense are telling me that you're in the same boat.

1. Living with his parents at 30
2. No job
3. Giving advice and posting everytime how many women you've slept with
4. Saying how ripped you are and great a physique you have

You either made this thread to seek attention or you got serious issues to deal with. If its the later, I'd recommend therapy, close social media, stop dating and focus on your life. Again, that's just my opinion, but you do you man.

 

[All_Kindz_Of_Gainz]

Yes, because we as men are not allowed to have f***ed up. I was 19. I was emotionally overinvested in this woman at the time.

Do you really think you're the only one who got his heart broken at that age? Grow the fvck up man, you're 30, you're not a special snowflake, we all have been broken, we all have suffered for b!tch who did us wrong. You're just bored in your parents house and you wrote this post for attention.

 

[BPH]

You're confused and taking the anger on people you don't know, I just ask a question. We all go with what you post.

This is why you wasted your life chasing tail instead of developing into a great man cause you got your heart broken?

This is your definition of "just asking a question".

Doubt. A guy who has slept with over 90+ women, has a great physique, attracts beautiful women, according to you, and is still attached to a wh0re who was dating another guy same time as you, one thing that happened 7 years ago, is either a liar or you have serious issues that you need to take care before it ruins you life forever.

There it is...

1. Living with his parents at 30

Correct.

2. No job

No, it just doesn't pay very well which is why I'm working to figure out how I'm going to escape it.

3. Giving advice and posting everytime how many women you've slept with

When's the last time I've done that? If anything, @SW15 posts my body count more than me, usually to tell somebody "hey if this dude living at his parent's house in Delaware of all places can make it work, surely you can too".

4. Saying how ripped you are and great a physique you have

I literally never do that...I think I described my appearance once, and it was to provide background for the fact that I modeled and to let people know that I'm not some fat, short, ugly guy that somehow overcame all odds to find success with women.

Do you really think you're the only one who got his heart broken at that age? Grow the fvck up man, you're 30, you're not a special snowflake, we all have been broken, we all have suffered for b!tch who did us wrong. You're just bored in your parents house and you wrote this post for attention.

Uhh no, I don't think I'm the only one, but there aren't people I can talk about it with, which is why I came here; to get an outside perspective of how I was feeling and how I should proceed.

I think it's ironic you talk about therapy. You talk about me bragging about my physique, but at the very least your last 2 profile pictures have been you flexing for a selfie. You offer very abrasive advice and yet your profile and postings are private. I think that you very much wish that my success with women is a lie, because you yourself achieved excellence in all these areas EXCEPT that one - or at least not as much as I have, and don't think I deserve it. So your goal is to discredit me or take shots at me, like you did with that "question".

If anybody needs to grow up, it's you, especially seeing as you're even older than I am.

 

[All_Kindz_Of_Gainz]

This is your definition of "just asking a question".



There it is...



Correct.



No, it just doesn't pay very well which is why I'm working to figure out how I'm going to escape it.



When's the last time I've done that? If anything, @SW15 posts my body count more than me, usually to tell somebody "hey if this dude living at his parent's house in Delaware of all places can make it work, surely you can too".



I literally never do that...I think I described my appearance once, and it was to provide background for the fact that I modeled and to let people know that I'm not some fat, short, ugly guy that somehow overcame all odds to find success with women.



Uhh no, I don't think I'm the only one, but there aren't people I can talk about it with, which is why I came here; to get an outside perspective of how I was feeling and how I should proceed.

I think it's ironic you talk about therapy. You talk about me bragging about my physique, but at the very least your last 2 profile pictures have been you flexing for a selfie. You offer very abrasive advice and yet your profile and postings are private. I think that you very much wish that my success with women is a lie, because you yourself achieved excellence in all these areas EXCEPT that one - or at least not as much as I have, and don't think I deserve it. So your goal is to discredit me or take shots at me, like you did with that "question".

If anybody needs to grow up, it's you, especially seeing as you're even older than I am.

Okay my man calm down, I asked a question to see the root cause.

1. I don't talk about my physique, I just have the pic of it, you're better than me, relax.

2. I don't have your success with women, like you have, but wouldn't trade my life with yours, again you're better than me.

But I can tell you this, if you don't get that oneitis from almost a decade ago under control, your life will be in ruins, take it as an older brother.

After all, you posted the title "How do I let go, or should I even?" I gave you my advice, maybe a little rough sure, but its better for you to own your $hit and recognize you're fvcked up cause of that (I'm assuming), than denying it.

I went to therapy and ate thc gummies, it helped me a lot to relieve my traumas and fixed them. Try it

 

[Bokanovsky]

I would not go to that guy's bachelor party or wedding. I would have ceased contact with him a long time ago.

Agreed. It's one thing for him to date your ex; it's something else entirely to bring her to a shared room and fvck her right next to you. It takes a real degenerate to do the latter.

 

[Bokanovsky]

This may come across as selfish, but this did genuinely interrupt my day and I'm wondering if I should let this go, and if I should, how. Clearly if it's affected me enough to write out this post I must still be carrying that resentment.

I don't know what would satisfy me; an apology, acknowledgement that she was a s****y person, her life to suck, I don't know..some sense of justice. But I still carry this.

I think I understand why you feel this way. The common thread that runs through your posts is "submission". More specifically, submission to Dave. First, you submitted to his outrageous demand to let Sara spend the night at your hotel room (you felt like you had no other choice). Later, you submitted by continuing to refer clients to him (you felt like you had to do it because you were coworkers). After leaving that job, you submitted by continuing to hang out with him for reasons that are not entirely clear (I'm assuming you wanted to be part of his social circle). And now you are about to perform the coup de grace act of submission by attending the wedding of a guy who has publicly humiliated you and caused deep psychological wounds. You really need to grow a pair and cut Dave out of your life.

 

[The Duke]

I think I understand why you feel this way. The common thread that runs through your posts is "submission". More specifically, submission to Dave. First, you submitted to his outrageous demand to let Sara spend the night at your hotel room (you felt like you had no other choice). Later, you submitted by continuing to refer clients to him (you felt like you had to do it because you were coworkers). After leaving that job, you submitted by continuing to hang out with him for reasons that are not entirely clear (I'm assuming you wanted to be part of his social circle). And now you are about to perform the coup de grace act of submission by attending the wedding of a guy who has publicly humiliated you and caused deep psychological wounds. You really need to grow a pair and cut Dave out of your life.

It's why I said he still has AFC tendencies he needs to work on.

 

[Canadian_Man]

F*ck Dave.

You should have cut contact with him long ago.

Eat the loss of your AirBnB payment.

Take it as a blessing that Sara popped up on your FB feed again recently, it helped uncover this opportunity for change. Albeit at the cost of some present-day pain.

And don't make it a scene if you distance yourself from Dave.

No need to sour his wedding.

 

[TheGambino]

I think I understand why you feel this way. The common thread that runs through your posts is "submission". More specifically, submission to Dave. First, you submitted to his outrageous demand to let Sara spend the night at your hotel room (you felt like you had no other choice). Later, you submitted by continuing to refer clients to him (you felt like you had to do it because you were coworkers). After leaving that job, you submitted by continuing to hang out with him for reasons that are not entirely clear (I'm assuming you wanted to be part of his social circle). And now you are about to perform the coup de grace act of submission by attending the wedding of a guy who has publicly humiliated you and caused deep psychological wounds. You really need to grow a pair and cut Dave out of your life.

This