How do I handle this BPD girl?

[katatonia]

I'm not sure if my BPD girlfriend is less severe than other BPDs or she's just hiding it so well... or she's just so attracted to me / scared to lose me so she's on very good behaviour.

She isn't really verbally abusive. I am more so than her.
She rages obviously, but not very often, and when she does it isn't that severe. I can handle it easily and don't take it personally.
She MIGHT be cheating. She did so in her past relationship, and at the start of ours, she admitted. I find it hard to not take personally and as an ego hit. I'm wondering, do they ALL cheat? Any common BPD signs of cheating?
Note that compared to other BPDs I've read about, she really doesn't have many guy friends or guys fawning over her (that I know about anyway). We don't really have problems with her getting constant calls from guys. She's fairly attractive but not super attractive HB10 or anything.

I'm slightly AFC toward her as I supply her with drugs constantly and drive her to work almost every day, but she has no other means of getting there (no license or car) and she starts at 3am in the morning, so I feel obligated or else she would be walking 2 hours to work every morning or getting some other guy to do it probably... which I don't really want.

I did fvck up 2 months ago and told her I loved her... that's when the devil came out! I left her at a hotel and she hospitalized herself and I let her contact me and work her way back into my life. I've been rather cold since then and will obviously never tell her I love her again.

I expect to get lots of advice telling me to dump her completely but I don't really have any intention of that, I am having fun in the relationship at the moment.

Plus I am also scared of her doing some messed up sh1t if I abandon her or cheat on her.

I want to remain painted white for as long as possible. Is it as simple as not loving her? Or are there other things to it?

I generally act like a semi-AFC narcissist around her. I don't reply to all her messages instantly (or at all), don't give in to her temper tantrums, ignore her for short periods when she pisses me off, refuse to talk about feelings or my feelings about her, load her up with compliments/affection then insult her and go cold minutes later. That's basically my extent of game playing to keep her interested. Anything else I could implement? I want complete control in this relationship (or as much as possible).

Btw are there any ways to REDUCE the amount of cheating or time spent with other guys? I was trying to get her to admit she cheated again or to feel bad about it but all it achieved was lies and projection and I probably just ended up looking jealous. Can I prevent her from spending time with other guys?

 

[Cyclops]

This relationship doesnt look functional. I mean the girl hospitalized herself because you told her you loved her. As for the time spent with other guy, she either does so herself if she had respected you. I mean you talk about her being on her best behaviour, but it does not seem that way at all. It just seems like you are playing some game with her, and i do not think you are winning. Ever thought about seeing other people?

 

[asphyx]

This relationship doesnt look functional. I mean the girl hospitalized herself because you told her you loved her. As for the time spent with other guy, she either does so herself if she had respected you. I mean you talk about her being on her best behaviour, but it does not seem that way at all. It just seems like you are playing some game with her, and i do not think you are winning. Ever thought about seeing other people?

Of course it's not functional lol, there's a BPD involved.

And yes it is a game, I want to be better at it.

Btw I am OP this is a different account I accidently logged on.

 

[Kailex]

How do you handle a BPD Chick?

You don't. You run. As far away as you possibly can and as fast as you can.

 

[5string]

kat...what do you mean you are scared of what she might do if you abandon her? She is her own person and not your responsibily. You'd better lose that mindset asap.

Be careful and watch your six. You don't know what you're dealing with or how dangerous it might become.

BPD's are like F-117 Stealth fighters. You never see em' coming untill it's too late.

 

[Johnnyventana]

You may win small battles, here and there. But the war -- and trust me, it's a war, you will not win. Even the small battles you do win will be for not -- as they will be short-lived, and her behavior will soon return back to ****e. Or she'll just simply change the rules. None of it will make sense to you -- even when you see the 'pattern' it still makes no real sense.

She is playing a game. If you re-act, you are unwittingly playing too. She loves the game. You may finally get fed up, rage back at her, and she might be fine, for the night. But trust me, it's like they re-set over night. Her BPD ****e will be back the very next day.

As the person above wrote, once you love them, you're fkd. There is no way back to the honeymoon.

 

[jophil28]

.. she really doesn't have many guy friends or guys fawning over her (that I know about anyway). We don't really have problems with her getting constant calls from guys.
..............
Btw are there any ways to REDUCE the amount of cheating or time spent with other guys? I was trying to get her to admit she cheated again or to feel bad about it but all it achieved was lies and projection and I probably just ended up looking jealous. Can I prevent her from spending time with other guys?

You wrote both of these para's in your first post..
They seem to contradict each other.

 

[Radharc]

Can´t help but wonder if they also have BPD women in muslim countries... or if isn´t this something they do because they know society lets them get away with it?

 

[jophil28]

As the person above wrote, once you love them, you're fkd. There is no way back to the honeymoon.

True^. BPD's react to being loved by a man with rage and spite. Sometimes subtle, and othertimes explosive.
These women have such intense deep self-loathing that they believe that any man who loves such a loathsome person like her must be even more worthless.
THat is why she will resort to the most callous mindfvcks .In her mind you deserve to be cruelly punished for falling for her.
The situation is made worse because she realizes that your 'love' means that you will have expectations of closeness and commitment. To a BPD women that is suffocating, so she cheats to convince herself that she is not really your g/f . The new guy also offers her the opportunity to play the 'hook and snare' game that she loves, and plays so well.
In the meantime you are left bewildered and wounded - all you did was fall in love with her and tell her.

 

[The_411]

You don't handle a BPD girl she handles you. Unless you've got narcisstic personality disorder you will always lose.

You're chasing the proverbial dragon but isntead of heroin you're chasing the the false idealized front of what the girl presented on your first few meetings.

Believe me from personal experience it's very powerful especially if your BPD is an 8+ and the wreckage can be gruesome. (It was pretty damn bad for me)

Doesn't it strike you as a huge red flag that you are providing her with drugs? Shouldn't that have huge alarm bells going off in your head?


Serious get away as fast as you can and don't waste another second with her ... becuase when she cheats and leaves you high and dry you're going to be stinging for a long long time.

 

[Zunder]

True^. BPD's react to being loved by a man with rage and spite. Sometimes subtle, and othertimes explosive.
These women have such intense deep self-loathing that they believe that any man who loves such a loathsome person like her must be even more worthless.
THat is why she will resort to the most callous mindfvcks .In her mind you deserve to be cruelly punished for falling for her.
The situation is made worse because she realizes that your 'love' means that you will have expectations of closeness and commitment. To a BPD women that is suffocating, so she cheats to convince herself that she is not really your g/f . The new guy also offers her the opportunity to play the 'hook and snare' game that she loves, and plays so well.
In the meantime you are left bewildered and wounded - all you did was fall in love with her and tell her.

This is exactly, and I mean fvcking EXACTLY how my BPD oneities chick behaved towards me. I feel a cold chill down my spine reading this.

 

[Johnnyventana]

Mind Fck is easily the most accurate and literal translation of what you'll experience. The best is when one day she loves something you do/did and the next she absolutely hates it. Note: Don't even bother to rationalize with her. Even to keep her on point takes mad skill and way too much time and effort. At first you'll doubt yourself. Then, once you 'get' it. You'll again doubt yourself, or rather you'll be amazed by the shyte you put up with and even did. Seriously run like you are Forest's body double.

 

[katatonia]

True^. BPD's react to being loved by a man with rage and spite. Sometimes subtle, and othertimes explosive.
These women have such intense deep self-loathing that they believe that any man who loves such a loathsome person like her must be even more worthless.
THat is why she will resort to the most callous mindfvcks .In her mind you deserve to be cruelly punished for falling for her.
The situation is made worse because she realizes that your 'love' means that you will have expectations of closeness and commitment. To a BPD women that is suffocating, so she cheats to convince herself that she is not really your g/f . The new guy also offers her the opportunity to play the 'hook and snare' game that she loves, and plays so well.
In the meantime you are left bewildered and wounded - all you did was fall in love with her and tell her.

So true.

I cannot believe I fell for her love game either. I even knew about BPD and HPD before I got involved... I didn't go into the relationship knowing she had BPD, wasn't really sure until a month in. I was 100% sure HPDs lose interest when you love them, but for some dumb fvck reason I rationalised that maybe BPDs weren't afraid of closeness like HPDs were or maybe she wasn't exactly BPD at all? Ugh...

But why hasn't my BPD moved onto a new target yet? And why is she acting more or less like she did in the honeymoon period?

I stopped loving her as soon as she went mental. I feel it's impossible for to love someone like that, but still possible for to retain feelings and sympathies for them.

Actually I don't think I was going to say I loved her at all because I still had the lingering doubt of it being a good idea or not... but one night I woke up and she was sleepwalking, and she got back into bed and I started talking to her, she was rather coherent as I did not even realise she was asleep until a minute of talking lol. It was like a dream for me too. I can't remember what actually was said but she was talking about how much she loves me or something and for some idiot reason I thought I was talking to her subconscious or something so that meant she truly did love me so I said it back to her and she had the most amazing reaction and it was like she was the happiest person on earth. I felt great about it and told her about it in the morning but she didn't seem too pleased with the fact that the first time I told her I loved her, it was when she was sleeping lol.

So the week following that night, I reassured her more of my love. She seemed happy with it so I didn't think she was afraid of intimacy at all. She had all these plans about us moving in together, so we started to work towards that. Almost as soon as our goal was realised (she caused a major scene to move out of her parents' house, and was going to live at mine for a bit). That night or the night after, she had turned into another person I had never encountered. It was a continuous abusive mindfvck and she destroyed me emotionally and, skipping the long story, I ended up dropping her off at a nearby hotel early in the morning because she was becoming abusive and illogical like I had never seen. She apparently called the ambulance and had herself admitted to a psych ward. She stayed in the psych ward for over a week and tried to win my love back during this time.

Now I am 99% sure she cheated some time around then, cause she admitted to me she got tested at the psych ward and she came up positive for a STD. And she tried to blame it on me, she started crying and said I cheated on her and that's how she got it... projection!

Do they all cheat though?

You may win small battles, here and there. But the war -- and trust me, it's a war, you will not win. Even the small battles you do win will be for not -- as they will be short-lived, and her behavior will soon return back to ****e. Or she'll just simply change the rules. None of it will make sense to you -- even when you see the 'pattern' it still makes no real sense.

She is playing a game. If you re-act, you are unwittingly playing too. She loves the game. You may finally get fed up, rage back at her, and she might be fine, for the night. But trust me, it's like they re-set over night. Her BPD ****e will be back the very next day.

As the person above wrote, once you love them, you're fkd. There is no way back to the honeymoon.

It's been 2 months since the psych ward and it SEEMS like our relationship is the same as it were in the honeymoon... she still 'loves' me lots and wants to see me constantly etc. I'm not saying it's going to last or that it's genuine, but that's the current situation.

I would've liked some actual advice besides run etc. because believe me I know that is the logical decision and I've heard that advice given around here many a time. But I don't know if I can make the logical decision. The ideal situation would be for me to find a new girl, replace the BPD and never talk to her again.

I've known she is BPD for a while and I know for sure she is completely unfit for a healthy relationship. But I'm just looking for someone to have sex with, as that was my initial goal when I went into the relationship. She broke me down over time to believe she was not afraid of intimacy, like she somehow sensed that was the reason I was holding back my love and tried to soothe that fear, then, subconsciously and in her sleep, fabricated a situation in which I would become more vulnerable to say that 'I loved her'. Crazy.

 

[Johnnyventana]

"I would've liked some actual advice besides run etc."

ha. Yes, we all would have loved to hear the magical formula. There just isn't one. Like I said, you may win some small battles here and there, but she will win the war. The reason is as you wrote above: You stay on your game, but she starts to trick you into thinking she's normal -- then boom! Once your guard is done, the nonsensical mind fckn in back on! It's nearly impossible for you to out game her. It would take all your effort, yet would feel meaningless.

And for future reference, BPD is a disease of intimacy. Though I think you know that right now.

Want some advice other than run? Be unpredictable. Be an ahole, then be nice then be an ahole. Never let her feel comfortable. It's a lot of non-rewarding work.

 

[jophil28]

I would've liked some actual advice besides run etc. because believe me I know that is the logical decision and I've heard that advice given around here many a time. But I don't know if I can make the logical decision. The ideal situation would be for me to find a new girl, replace the BPD and never talk to her again.

You really only have two choices.
1) Stay with her and continue on the mindfvck carousel until she has had enough of your attempts to create an adult relationship with her - she certainly does not want one with you.
2) Dump her while you have most of your sanity and some of your self respect intact.

 

[romangod]

It's been 2 months since the psych ward ..................

I would've liked some actual advice besides run etc. because believe me I know that is the logical decision and I've heard that advice given around here many a time. But I don't know if I can make the logical decision.

Okay, I'll give you some illogical advice. Marry her and you can share a room in the psych ward together.


I don't mean to be harsh, but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. You are a masochist with low self esteem that is addicted to the drama and blind to the reality.


You haven't hit rock bottom yet because you refuse to save yourself by being realistic. The outcome will not be pretty.

Look in the mirror. That's where the problem lies.


Cheers!

 

[katatonia]

I've spent the last week learning all I can about BPD and trying to come to terms with what I am dealing with, on an emotional level. I think I am making progress but it is hard to detach.

I realise that I can't stop her cheating and she probably is. I told her I don't care if she cheats but I want an open relationship and she freaked and spent all weekend on her best behaviour. lol

I don't really have much problem with her cheating on me anymore... it still kinda hurts how she can claim to love me so much but he lying and cheating behind my back, but it's not as bad as 2 weeks ago; that's for sure. As long as I know she will most likely come back to me and that I'm her #1, then I am content.

I just need to not get STDs and not get her pregnant and I should be fine.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

I had an LTR with a BPD woman for 4 years when I was in my 20s and I can tell you from experience, it's nothing to laugh at. It's particularly damaging for AFCs locked into a BPDs negative feedback loop, especially when he's developed a soul destroying ONEitis with her and associates himself as the source of her depression / psychosis.

True BPDs will progressively convince their victims that they are the source of her neurosis. You are not yourself, you are who she's molding you to be, and eventually you'll come to believe that it's in your best interest to be who she wants you to. You will gradually give up on your family and friends (or they give up on you), you will drop all ambitions and passions that directly focus on you, and you will abandon any genuine, independent identity you held for yourself all because these are threats to the neurotic narrative she constructs for herself.

She will reward your conversion to her psychosis with intermittent, crazy sex, but this is simply the reinforcer to keep you locked into her narrative. The YOU you know will cease to exist and the character she creates for you will take over. This is especially true for AFCs who see their BPD as their best, only option for a long term romantic prospect. She's an HB 9 (to him) and he's never ƒucked better than a 5 in his whole life, so the risk of catastrophic loss is real and ever-present.

The reason I know this describes you is because you are already getting to the point where her overt cuckolding of you is an acceptable situation. You think you'll mitigate it by negotiating some "open relationship" status with her, but even if that were legitimate, you're still desperate enough to negotiate for her genuine desire. You'll propose that an open relationship means you're both free to ƒuck other parties, when in reality it's the only way you can rationalize for yourself the fact that she's going to go ƒuck other guys, and you're going to accept it because you're locked into her neurosis.

You're living in fear. You're afraid she'll commit suicide if you uproot yourself (a classic BPD unspoken threat), but trust me on this, it'll be you who swallows a bullet before she ever will. I've known 3 men who've done just this as the result of a BPD relationship. I know it seems like most of the guy's here are simply passing you off by saying "get out" and move on, but your life literally depends on it.

Also, I must add this, when you do finally muster the self-concern enough to actually leave her, expect a complete 180 in her mentality and behavior. One thing a true BPD hates more than her victim is the thought of having to ensnare another. There are plenty of other AFCs ready to fill that role, but the comfort and easy predictability you represent to her in the present builds an emotional dependency. BPDs will fight like wild animals not to lose their victim, and for a guy so accustomed to her neurotic behavior, his first impression is that she's making some real change for him in order to "improve the relationship." It's not, but so radical a shift in her behavior will convince you otherwise, and again, particularly when you yourself have no options and believe you'll never do better than her.

 

[jophil28]

I've spent the last week learning all I can about BPD and trying to come to terms with what I am dealing with, on an emotional level. I think I am making progress but it is hard to detach.

I realise that I can't stop her cheating and she probably is. I told her I don't care if she cheats but I want an open relationship and she freaked and spent all weekend on her best behaviour. lol

I don't really have much problem with her cheating on me anymore... it still kinda hurts how she can claim to love me so much but he lying and cheating behind my back, but it's not as bad as 2 weeks ago; that's for sure. As long as I know she will most likely come back to me and that I'm her #1, then I am content.

I just need to not get STDs and not get her pregnant and I should be fine.

You are setting yourself up for some serious pain.
It seems that you prefer to ignore all the advice given to you by several of us who have been in the trenches with these vipers.

 

[romangod]

I've spent the last week learning all I can about BPD and trying to come to terms with what I am dealing with, on an emotional level. I think I am making progress but it is hard to detach.

I just need to not get STDs and not get her pregnant and I should be fine.

Maybe you should spend the next week learning about being the victim of a BPD chick and how you will recover from the inevitable disaster that awaits you.


How will you put Humpty Dumpty back together again?


My sense is that you are committing suicide but are unaware of it.


Cheers!