This is really long, but a MUST read. It is from BPD Family:
Most of you have read how the BPD relationship evolves on the front page but how about we post our own take on it?
You meet a girl. She is really charming, she seems very cheerful, funny, smart, and caring. You really don't know what to make of her at first, but you do think she is really cool and worth dating thats for sure. She starts getting closer to you, she seems to really take a deep interest in your thoughts, feelings, and desires. It's only been a week but it already seems like you've known each other your entire lives, she seems needy now.. but you don't understand how someone so beautiful and amazing could seem so helpless.. You instantly get a feeling of needing to be there for her. There are red flags, but you choose to ignore them. She starts telling you things are very personal. Does this raise a red flag or does it make you feel privileged to be trusted with this kind of personal information. Probably the latter. Weeks go by, you feel a really deep bound with this person a bit forced but you trick yourself into believing this is something real. her neediness appears in greater forms. She seems to have emotional problems, but you seem to make her happy. She does not seem crazy to you at this point, you feel that you were meant for her and that you can save her from anything she is dealing with because you give her happiness. She may tell you that you are her soullmate that every guy she has been with has hurt her and that you are perfect for her and that she is finally happy with you.
Maybe she tells you she loves you after 2 weeks or a month. Does this raise a red flag? Probably not. You're already hooked at this point. She starts taking interest in anything you like, Music, movies, your hobbies.. She now likes them too and maybe she claimed to have liked them all along. She copies the way you speak, the way you carry yourself and even takes on a part of your own personality. You feel that you have so much in common, but you really have nothing in common at all. You havent seen the monster yet at this point... but you will soon. Maybe you've been together for a month, things are going great.. you ignore all the red flags but wow is this person negative or what? Maybe she tells you about how horrible her mother is, maybe she hates her co-workers, maybe she talks badly about her friends.. Everyone seems to piss her off or hurt her somehow. Her favorite thing to do at this point is btch about other people. You cant understand how anyone can do these things to her! She is perfect right? How can people hurt her this way, how can they dislike her? At this point things are still good between you however.. she isnt as cheerful as she once was. She seems to be going through a lot.. maybe she opens up to you maybe she doesnt.. something is bothering her and its driving you crazy. You want so badly to make her feel better, you try your best.. but nothing you do seems to cheer her up.
Things get distant now. She doesn't call you as much, she doesnt seem to want to spend any time together. the overwhelming love you felt from her has now dissipated into nothingness.. You're confused at this point.. What happend to the girl that told me she loved me and wanted to be together forever? You don't know what hit you.. of course you try and do the normal thing and try to communicate your feelings to her, but when you do.. she does not respond to your feelings or what you have to say. You have finally met her coldness. You may plead, beg, and cry for answers, but you will never get any. You may ask her why she is distant, you may ask her why she seems to not even care about the relationship anymore, you will have many questions, but you will never get any answers. You will keep asking.. but that seems to have a very negative effect. She will now hate you for asking questions. Eventually after asking so many times the borderline will give you answers but you wont like them... She will tell you how you have hurt her and will make up problems that you didnt even know existed.. Of course.. you will try to use logic and reasoning against her. You may even call her out on her absurd double standards and you may even have evidence to back up your claims that you were in the right all along... but this will not work. No matter what you say, no matter what you do, you were in the wrong in the eyes of a borderline. You are beyond confused now, maybe she convinced you that you really are the one in the wrong... maybe... you feel that you let her down in someway.
You're more determined than ever now to make things right. maybe you think well.. i just love her a little more, if i just show her i care more.. things will change.. you thought you met the most amazing person in the world, you want her back.. you will do everything you can to get the girl that you met to show up again.
Maybe.. you feel discouraged that things will never change.. you finally stop caring.. you finally say "ah the hell with this" the borderline is in panic mode now.. oh boy.. she now has feelings of being abandoned.. maybe she calls you 50 times.. maybe she shows up at your work! She may cry and beg you to not leave her and that she is so sorry and that she will change! things really seem to start to change now, the cheerful girl you once met is back. maybe she made a few promises to you, maybe she isnt so distant now.. it just feels right.. and you're left wondering why you even wanted to leave in the first place. Wow things are great again, but.. no. Another crisis.. ! She slips into depression again, only instead of being distant this time she is extremely needy. She may want you around more, tell you that she needs you more than ever.. she gets really clingy and tells you not to leave her side. Maybe she has nightmares at night, you are now expected to comfort her every need. This isnt what you signed up for eh? You keep lying to yourself hoping.. wishing things will change. You miss the feeling she gave you when you first met. You really want that back dont you?
Oh.. shes distant again. Now you see the real her.. but you don't exactly know what it is. This girl seems to despise you. Why does everything you seem to do irritate her so much? She really cant stand you at this point.. but you dont understand why. Everything you do now pisses her off. Maybe you looked at her wrong.. shut the door to loudly, she will now be upset with everything you do. Nothing you do is ever right, you are the cause of everything bad in her life, She will now start fights with you over nothing.. So much anger in this person, whats going on here?? you're a horrible monster! Maybe you really believe that.. You dont quite understand how the person that once told you that she loved you so much and how you were so perfect now seems to really hate your guts.. The smear campaigns begin! Oh this is the fun part.. maybe she tells her friends, parents, someone she is close to that you are the cause of every problem she has in her life. She has to make you out to be the bad guy here.. Maybe she turns people against you.. of course people will believe her.. You did at one point.. Things are going really horrible.. By now.. you've stayed up all nights crying.. left confused.. and maybe you're even depressed.. You might even blame yourself.. you really have no idea what is going on.
You still go to her for answers.. even though you know she will hate you for it.. you wonder why she cant give you any answers.. OH FINALLY I GET IT. SHES CRAZY.. a lightbulb goes off in your head.. All this time you thought you were the crazy one.. but it was her all along! How could you not see it?
So what do you do now.. Do you read up on every bpd book, post on every bpd forum.. learn all you can about this disorder to try and help yourself or help her? Probably the latter..
You can't give up on her you cant... you must help her.. she is so helpless right..? You lie to yourself thinking you can fix her, but you really cant.. but that doesnt stop you from trying. you're now more determined than ever to help someone you think you love. At this point you dont realize that what you fell in love with was really a fantasy and that no matter how hard you try.. no matter what you do you will never see that person again. You've been devalued and to them you have hurt them, you have failed them, and you are the monster.
How many times are you going to keep hurting yourself..? What are you some kind of sadist..? Do you enjoy being tortured by this person.. would you willingly tie yourself up and let someone shock you? Thats is what you are basically doing being with her.. The push/pull cycle repeats.. each time she feels that she is losing you, she will throw you scraps and make you believe it will be different this time.. how many cycles are you willing to go through before you end up giving up? How much time has past by where its been mostly bad and hardly any good in the relationship.. Why do you continue to be with this person hoping for a different outcome when shes proven to be incapable of giving you what you want..? Once you bring your own needs to the table she will hate you. You arent allowed to have needs of your own.. you were put one earth to fill her needs and save her.. Anything less than that and you will see the monster that they really are.
Was it all worth it..? Being with this person, what did it cost you? It cost me a lot.. but im finally off the roller coaster and i will never get back on that ride again.