How deal with alpha widow?

[EyeBRollin]

Some say dont ask these questions. My three cents is that you ask them in the first 3-6 dates, not after giving her exlusivity and being in a relatioship for months or years. I say this becuase your case is not the first, we been seeing a lot of these lately

How does it benefit a man to ask those questions?

The answer will either be an outright lie or an uncomfortable truth he doesn’t want to hear.

 

[SW15]

as a woman, her mentioning his c0ck size (bigger) was insensitive and disrespectful, beyond the pale imo.

To think it is one thing, to actually say it is another.

To me, that was the biggest offense, not sure why you wouid even want to stay after her announcing such a thing, no matter how hot she is or difficult the dating market is.

If she says it, there's a greater chance that she is a Size Queen female. Size queens exist. Some want a substantially larger than average sized penis and nothing else satisfies. Penis size matters to some extent.

I never understood what being "alpha widowed" meant until reading this^.

He doesn't have to be her first, but rather her BEST. And he's definitely the best she's ever had and until she meets a man who can surpass him in looks, penis size etc, HE will always be her best, sorry to say.

Being the best is crucial. Especially the one who delivers the best sexual performance.

It's about having self-respect.

If you're OK being her second choice, then stay. If not, leave.

This is a big part of the Iron Rules of Tomassi. This is about Iron Rule #1.

The Iron Rules of Tomassi

One of the most influential books in my life has been The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi. It’s a book I wish every man could read, and I…

medium.com

 

[SW15]

I believe that is confirmation bias. There is no biological proclivity to shorter term relationships. Women simply move on quicker because they have to be able to mate jump if their man dies in the jungle.

Is There a Biological Basis for the 7-Year Itch?

www.scientificamerican.com

The blue pill Dr. Helen Fisher has even advocated that there's a scientific basis for serial monogamy.

There is also a statistically significant contingent of longer term marriages far beyond that 7 year estimate you are referring to. They are not outliers.

My belief is that romantic relationships have a "shelf life of goodness" of 5 years. Duration of a relationship beyond the 5 years is irrevelant to me in a large percentage of the cases. It's possible to find couples who have been married for 20 years in a relationship for 23-25 years. Even if they are still together now, it doesn't mean that much. It means that they are together. Many of those 23-25 years have likely been mediocre to subpar in quality. There have likely been many years with minimal sex, especially in the years where their kids are under 13 years old.

 

[Dr.Suave]

How does it benefit a man to ask those questions?

The answer will either be an outright lie or an uncomfortable truth he doesn’t want to hear.

Hey bro. You n I have been down this road before with me not answering your question. Im clearly not gonna change your mind on this or you mine.

However, we have been seeing a lot of cases like OP´s despite most members like you advising against asking those questions or talking about that stuff. Some guys are just going to ask. Better they do it early and not after investing a lot of time and resources.

 

[EyeBRollin]

However, we have been seeing a lot of cases like OP´s despite most members like you advising against asking those questions or talking about that stuff. Some guys are just going to ask. Better they do it early and not after investing a lot of time and resources.

Some people are going to smoke, despite advisement against it. I’m not going encourage them to just do it anyway.

This forum is about game tactics. There is nothing beneficial about asking these questions.

Women ask questions to gain advantage in mating strategy. They are kicking our ass on that front. Men need to play smarter.

 

[SW15]

I get that but why tell your current that knowing he's smaller?

That's just plain cruel no matter how important size is to her.

I agree. It is cruel any way it is sliced. Perhaps she's trying to sabotage the interaction. This might be occurring either consciously or subconsciously.

 

[SW15]

To add, it would be like a man telling me his ex had huge breasts and how much he loved them, knowing my breasts were smaller.

What's the reason for telling me that? What purpose does it serve other than
making me feel badly? Or trying to.

I understand knowledge is power but some things are just better left unsaid.

This is fair to say. I have had girlfriends with big breasts and girlfriends with small breasts. I've never said a word to the girlfriends with smaller breasts about their breast size.

 

[EyeBRollin]

This is fair to say. I have had girlfriends with big breasts and girlfriends with small breasts. I've never said a word to the girlfriends with smaller breasts about their breast size.

These kind of conversations are destructive.

Although I must admit, I have leveraged a fit ex girlfriend to make subsequent girlfriends take their fitness more seriously. At least that topic is something the girls can control.

 

[SoSuave666]

This is fair to say. I have had girlfriends with big breasts and girlfriends with small breasts. I've never said a word to the girlfriends with smaller breasts about their breast size.

Because breasts don’t really have the same impact. A better example might be telling your girl her pvssy is beat up and rancid compared to your tight ex with a pristine smelling, smooth as butter snatch.

I am hard pressed to find a more clear example of someone deliberately trying to break down a male’s ego than telling him her ex was bigger and a better lay with the body of a Greek god. She would t have even been able to finish her sentence before I got up and left. This is a woman who has such little resect For her man that she’s willing to cuck him in an overt and direct manner, not even considering (or caring) there will be repercussions.

 

[2Rocky]

SO she is moved in, so you are committed to a fair degree. You want to make this work. Quit Looking to ***** abour what is out of oyur control and focus on the future,

The only way to deal with this, because we have all been around, is to say "hey I'm not going to obsess over what happened before you knew I even existed. What really matters is the way we treat each other going forward. "

Consider this:

And,
Vaginal cells are replaced every 96 hours - a much faster turnover than other parts of the skin - FWIW


Create your Now together. Don't worry about things out of your control. The most out of your control thing is other people's actions in the past. You are in the process of being better than that guy by the way you make her FEEL, buy the length of your relationship, The way she idealizes YOU.

Create something new don't obsess over the past. That is the only way to make the future you want together.

 

[Barrister]

OP,

Couple of red flags with this one. Clearly, she still has a thing for the ex - that is never a good thing. Second, did she actually volunteer the information that the ex has a bigger d1ck than you? If she did that on her own, I would say to just next her immediately -- that is a respect issue. And I really hope you didn't actually ask her if you were bigger. You also stated that she has dated "a lot" in the previous 7 years. This can have an effect on any woman in a negative way who gets passed around.

My bigger concern for you seems to be that you are very insecure. Clearly, for you to sit around and worry about your d1ck not being as big as this other guy is kind of sad - no offense. You are 51 years old - not 21. Why would something like this ever enter your mind? Like I said, if she voluntarily told you that then I would simply next her - she has no respect for you. If you asked her yourself, then you have security issues and have no respect for yourself. That kind of thing means very little ultimately.

She sounds like a lot of drama reading between the lines. My guess is whatever you have with her is short-lived (under 1 year). She also sounds like, if anything, this dude she is hung up on has "alpha-widowed" her as we call them (as your thread title states). You don't want to be the guy who comes after that happens.

The best advice is probably to delegate her to plate status and add some women into the rotation. But given how into her you seem to be I doubt you do that. You need to set some boundaries if you choose to stay in a exclusive relationship with her - because she has some respect problems from what I can tell.

 

[SW15]

Hi. I am 51 and my girlfriend (45) has just moved in with me. Anyone this age knows that the dating market isn't good at all (in most cities) - many fat women, women with kids, women with issues.

What to do? I certainly don't want to break up with her, as I say a woman like her at my age is like a needle in a haystack. Any thoughts please?

The living arrangement is a huge problem here. @Barrister and @catsmeow made excellent points about her level of disrespect, which is a sign of frame loss. Frame is everything, see Iron Rule of Tomassi #1. There's a reason why @nzrod reacted in the way that he did. It was cruel and disrespectful. Ending the relationship could be justified. Since they are living together, it's essentially impossible to move her to solely plate status instead of girlfriend status.

 

[SW15]

She also doesnt sound like a needle in the haystack, she sounds average.

Childless and fit at 45 is impressive. She's not living the tenets of her religious practice though.

 

[SW15]

average personality and character makes her average regardless. Its dangerously close to binary.

The dating market for middle aged men can be perceived as thin and a lot of men will experience limited demand during middle age.

 

[SW15]

surely we here can agree that its better to be single than to deal with a below average female personality

Yes. The break up logistics are going to be difficult though if he goes that direction. Breaking up with a girlfriend when you live together stinks.

 

[BeExcellent]

Thoughts from the old lady:

Ultimately I see two things here. I find her comments about relative member size pretty disrespectful as well, but if OP asked the question point blank, well facepalm on him.

He asked “Why” the guy broke her heart. That is a question you DO NOT want to know the answer to, and it’s best never to ask. I read this as she answered candidly but didn’t stop to consider how her answer might affect him. But I’ve also known men who truly didn’t care about someone’s past & were secure enough to handle whatever answer. She assumed he would be fine with whatever answer she gave & so was straightforward. So for that reason alone it’s not really fair to crucify her. She answered his question.

As an aside…any decent lawyer will tell you that never, NEVER do you ask a “Why” question of a witness on the stand. The rationale is because you cannot predict the answer. The answer to “Why” questions is often a total wildcard, and may not be what you expect.

Having said all that I will at times ask a “Why” question. But I am very self assured and very secure and I am asking to deepen my understanding of my partner. He’s with me now and his previous relationships didn’t work out, and so why do I care? He’s told me stories about prior lovers (some wilder in bed, some with bigger boobs or better bodies or whatever) and they aren’t together now. In fact one of his exes is a close friend to him, and to me. I seriously don’t care. He’s with me and that is what matters now.

Our OP does not have that rock solid self worth. He is insecure & weirded out. That’s all on him. That insecurity will rot the relationship faster than anything else.

Take home message:

1. Work on your self respect OP
2. Don’t ask questions you might not want the answer to
3. Let it go. She’s not with him but with you.

I mean let’s be real. Guys sometimes are fantasizing about someone else in bed…a wild ex, a porn star fantasy, the cute chick down the street.

OP is driving himself nuts. Look at how she treats you. She is with you.

My only concern really is bigger, honestly. This girl sacrificed her standards for security once. THAT is what you must look out for.

Her eyes should light up around you. Do they?This is the bigger issue to watch & evaluate.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

So...now of course I am extremely insecure. My heart was racing all night - I got 2 hours sleep. How can I compete with model/statuesque man with a bigger ****? I work out a lot and eat well, and I am good looking, but I am 51 and can't measure up to his description.

She said the next day that she likes sex with me and doesn't compare me to him, but I can't help but imagine I can never compare to her big **** sex with a model who broke her heart.

BE gave some great advice. I'll throw my own two cents in here too.....

1. You have to see yourself as the catch. Sure, maybe his D and body were better than yours, however, was the sum-total package better? There will ALWAYS be guys out there with bigger D's, better bodies, more money, better looks, whatever.... it's about the sum total of the package but more specifically than that, it is about how the sum total package makes her FEEL. In fact, what she is verbalizing to you as to the reason for her attraction to him might not be the TRUE reason anyway - I don't mean to say that she is lying to you deliberately, just that she knows how she feels first, and then she tries to logically come up with a justification for it second. For example, he could have been incredibly dominant in bed and demonstrated very high value to her with a bit of a lack of interest in her - just enough to string her along; she knew he was way above her league and she felt lucky to be with him. THAT is what turned her on, not the body or the D. But as a woman, what I just described is not going to be what goes through her brain's inner monologue. Instead she is going to be looking at him and thinking it's X or Y that makes her so turned on.
2. Most men and most women will have always had someone in their past that bests who they have now in at least one way. I'm sure you have a girl in your past you fantasize about and think was hotter than she is. It's no different from her.
3. Your focus should be on dominating her in the bedroom in a very confident way, and being very confident and ensuring she knows she is lucky to have you. If you are acting insecure, or even FEELING insecure, you are going to be sending out invisible tentacles to probe her and try to get statements from her that validate your own insecure sense of worth and nothing is going to drive her away more than that - it will be a nail in your coffin. The guy she told you about didn't do that because he knew his place, he knew her place, and she did too.

As others have said, never ask a question if you aren't prepared for the answer, whatever it may be. And I agree with BE that it wasn't great for her to say what she did. I would never tell a girl I'm dating that an ex of mine was skinnier or had a better a$$ or was better in bed or whatever. So you both share blame on this one - you for asking and her for being overly honest.

 

[derby1]

Well Well Well, I said a few days ago in a post, women have ZERO idea how to treat men, with courtesy.

yet ironically they know EXACTLY how they should be treated and not be humiliated.

one of my plates could write a book on every way she should be treated by a partner, yet the very day after she will do everything to the male, that she listed made her uncomfortable.

 

[Barrister]

Well Well Well, I said a few days ago in a post, women have ZERO idea how to treat men, with courtesy.

yet ironically they know EXACTLY how they should be treated and not be humiliated.

one of my plates could write a book on every way she should be treated by a partner, yet the very day after she will do everything to the male, that she listed made her uncomfortable.

When women become bored in any relationship it becomes all about them. OP sounds like he is inching towards that mindset from this woman if she isn't there already. He is a safe, older guy who is worried about pleasing her. That isn't a recipe for making her wet and want to remain fully compliant with what HE wants.

When a relationship is brand new, many women will go out of their way to please the man. It is hard to maintain that for a long period of time - and the window for that behavior shortens exponentially if you begin acting insecure and needy.

 

[Barrister]

BE gave some great advice. I'll throw my own two cents in here too.....

1. You have to see yourself as the catch. Sure, maybe his D and body were better than yours, however, was the sum-total package better? There will ALWAYS be guys out there with bigger D's, better bodies, more money, better looks, whatever.... it's about the sum total of the package but more specifically than that, it is about how the sum total package makes her FEEL.

I think it takes men going through a few failed relationships with women to totally understand this. There is no logic behind a woman's attraction to a man except that she needs to feel emotions. It is why Cluster B women do what they do - the rollercoaster generates these feelings that feed into the relationship and give it excitement. Even men can get addicted to it.

Mentally healthy women don't do the rollercoaster deal, but if the relationship is stale or the man has become needy and boring (aka she no longer gets those strong emotions from the relationship), expect bad behavior to follow regardless. And unfortunately, sometimes it is unavoidable due to life. I am not one of the guys that thinks all relationships are doomed at the onset, but I will say that I think keeping a woman in this state of feelz so that she is happy is very difficult.