Hires her Boyfriend?

[DragonBlood]

Hi guys, I had an argument with my ex over a year ago (no resolution) which lead her to next day branch swing to the next guy in line who happened to live aboard. We both work in a small office (different departments) and there is no way for me to leave for at least another two years.

She is fairly up in the company, and with a new round of hires has decided to hire her new boyfriend into her own department. This other guy has uprooted his whole life so they can now eat, sleep and work together. He starts in a months time. Hurrah.

This solves their distances problem but I feel like she is doing this just to scorn me, create jealously, force me to make a move and make my life for the next 2 years miserable.

This has really caught me by surprise and I dont know what to do or how to take it. I cant even believe this is going to be my new reality. I am not looking forward to the future or how this will effect my health. I am thinking of sending this text or somehow confronting her about this before he actually arrives, but I would really appreciate your thoughts on my current situation!

We both know the real reason you hired <name>. Either ask me out or find someone better, but dont be stuck in limbo rubbing **** into my face.

OR

You might run the show in your department hiring <name> but I will never bend to please you. I am my own man.

I have tried my best to let go of the situation and either reconnect with my ex or find someone new. But its so hard guys, how can I let go and better myself when shes on a warpath to keep old wounds going. If I allow this new situation I am stuck in to get to me day by day I will become depressed and lose all my current options. PLEASE HELP.

 

[Firestar786]

I think your taking it too seriously
Just get yourself a new GF
IF your ex and new bf are getting it on let them.

 

[DragonBlood]

I think your taking it too seriously
Just get yourself a new GF
IF your ex and new bf are getting it on let them.

I want to, I was actually doing pretty well dating wise up until now, but its going to be in my face. Being exposed to this is going to hurt me and my chances of getting a new GF. Thats what scares me the most right now. The constant attack to my self esteem.

 

[Building_and_Loan]

Sending either one of those text messages is the exact opposite of what you should do. She's obviously trying to troll you and wants to see you get mad.

Don't even think about giving her that satisfaction. When you see them walking down the hallway holding holds, smile and nod "hello" to the both of them rather than appear flustered and upset. It'll drive her crazy.

 

[DragonBlood]

I was figuring non-reactive was a safe and effective option B&L, but without going into the details this other guy AMOGd himself into his current position. So, being "cool with it" and letting him do whatever doesnt seem to be the best policy Had I been more open and forward in the past I doubt this thread would exist.

It might even send the wrong message that I dont care at all, which will only drive my ex deeper into this other guys arms. It might drive her crazy to do nothing, but she certainly wont lead herself into the bedroom for me. I have to do something!

 

[skinnyguy]

I stopped reading when I read that you work with your ex

 

[Building_and_Loan]

I was figuring non-reactive was a safe and effective option B&L, but without going into the details this other guy AMOGd himself into his current position. So, being "cool with it" and letting him do whatever doesnt seem to be the best policy.

It might even send the wrong message that I dont care at all, which will only drive my ex deeper into this other guys arms.

I don't know what any of those acronyms mean.

Regardless, I don't see how it would really change anything as far as your reaction goes. Acting like you don't care will allow you to trick yourself into not actually caring. Which you clearly do.

 

[Firestar786]

I want to, I was actually doing pretty well dating wise up until now, but its going to be in my face. Being exposed to this is going to hurt me and my chances of getting a new GF. Thats what scares me the most right now. The constant attack to my self esteem.

Sounds like depression

Gotta move on bro find new hobbies to make u feel better lol

Try the gym

 

[Yewki]

The fact you're still attached to your ex after a year of being apart is extremely unhealthy and as someone who doesn't even know you I am legit concerned for you. The answer isn't to contact your ex, if you anything you should contact a therapist first. Please see below,

I have to do something!

Yeah, pursue other girls and get on with your life.

Ok listen. Please read this very carefully, because it is important you understand this. Are you ready? Paying your ex any attention whatsoever, except to smile and say hi as you walk past her, is the wrong move. Do you understand? If you initiate ANY text message, e-mail, smoke signal, whatever with your ex... you will inflate her ego, confirm you're a chump, waste your time/energy, and get no where. The BEST move is to get on with your life. Since you're having difficulty doing that (clearly), then you have to pretend to do it for now, and the rest will follow with time. If you can't even do this, you need to seriously see a therapist.

Please reread the above paragraph again.

Just get yourself a new GF.

Yep. Spend your energy doing this, not scheming to get at your ex who you broke up with a year ago.

 

[gravityeyelids]

DO NOT send her anything. And don't flatter yourself into thinking that she's doing this solely to make you jealous and try to win you back. She has a higher up job than you and a new boytoy, and i can almost guarantee that her primary motivation is to make things more comfortable for her new relationship, rather than making you more uncomfortable (although that could possibly be a secondary goal.

Regardless, the single best thing you can do to an ex is show her how happy you are without her. Smile at both of them and greet them if you see them. Carry on as if nothing is bothering you even if you're dead inside. Focus on finding new girls. Go on a meaningless sex rampage and start sleeping with other girls, and then once that's out of your system and has helped to numb the pain, start looking for a new girl that will put her to shame.

As my WWII-vet grandpa always told me: "Never let em see you bleedin!!"

While some will say that you need to completely let go and not let her consume your thoughts...this anger and depression can be very powerful if harnessed correctly. I was friendzoned by this girl i liked in college. It tore me up so bad that i started this intensive workout program and diet, read up on things like body language, self-improvement, etc and completely reshaped my body, mind and personality. I literally let this anger fire me and help me accomplish something i would NEVER have been able to do. In the end i realized I didn't even care about her anymore, and went on to meet girls that were even better than her.

Also, just be glad that she is not in your dept and that her or her BF aren't working directly above you....THAT would be true hell. Good luck brother

 

[DragonBlood]

anger and depression can be very powerful if harnessed correctly [...] It tore me up so bad that i started this intensive workout program and diet, read up on things like body language, self-improvement, etc and completely reshaped my body, mind and personality.

This is what I have been doing since the break up and it has helped alot. I have suffered with depression in the past and saw a therapist about it, but I found their advice on staying positive and practicing meditation of limited use compared to actually improving my life!

I am in the early stages of depression right now and could easily fall down the rabbit hole by being forced to relive my past over and over or whatever lingering feelings I still have for my ex. I actually have a date that was setup with a new girl tomorrow, she even reached out for the date specifically! but if I go in in my current "not fun, shoulder to cry on" state of mind I am going to **** it up. Jesus christ no, I dont want to **** this up over this bull****.



I know everyone is saying do nothing but what about sending this text today, before my date tomorrow.

Sarah I heard Tim is being hired soon and I wanted to express my regret that things didnt work out. Its not what I wanted and Tim is lucky to have you.

OR most likely

Sarah I heard Tim is being hired soon and I wanted to express my regret that things didnt work out. You are taking a bigger risk within your own group than I think its worth but ultimately I want you to be happy. If I can I will probably look outside <company> in the future. Have a good week.

Send?


Its long, but it makes clear Ive done my best at this point and am moving on from this situation. Ironically she was actually warming up to me recently and things were looking up, then she disappeared suddenly and wouldnt talk to me for 2 weeks while the new hires where coming in. I now know why. I think thats what makes it even harder and why I have been forced to revisit this old wound. There is still a resentment boiling underneath the last argument, mainly because shes still around, so, the purpose of the text is to resolve and let go of this train wreak before it gets any worse.

I think being a cold fish at the end will only confirm her choices and strengthen her negative view of me, which I would rather not have spread around. I do still care about this person, but its over. Doing nothing and not making my thoughts clear feels too much like not letting go. That I am still playing "the game" with her. I want to express my regret that things didnt work out and that my actions in the future are not an attack but just me moving on.

Also, just be glad that she is not in your dept and that her or her BF aren't working directly above you....THAT would be true hell. Good luck brother

Indeed. And perhaps on that note I shouldnt be so envious of her new boy toys current situation where he has literally left everything behind with no escape plan. They are going to share the same apartment block, meetings, projects, bosses and their offices are door to door. Can you imagine? I only know this girl through the social aspects of work. I would never DREAM of dating someone on the same project as mine and on the same building floor or same ****ing route to work!

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

I would NOT send a text at all. I'd be friends with the dude actually. Get to know him and be like 'Oh sh!t you two are dating? I never knew! Good luck together'. And then remain consistent with my actions. Treat him and her the same as if nothing ever happened. He can realize that she isn't the nicest person ever and that you're actually a pretty cool dude. But don't talk about the break up with him or about her unless it's work related.

And plz don't send a text, email, phone call, or anything about this. It'll just make you look bad.

 

[Who Dares Win]

It seems to me that she planned everything, made sure her branch swinging could be done and her bf hired with her and ONLY THEN tricked you in a argument and use it as a reason to break up with you and not being considered responsabile.

My best suggestion is to simply let it go, be polite and nice to her and the new guy, fake it if you have to, its the best option since you're gonna spend at least 2 years there.

If you're concerned about your ego, I advise you to think about your mental health first and most of all whatever you do good or bad is gonna give her satisfaction while a neutral reaction from you is gonna piss her off and deprive her of her ego boost.

Imagine that you go out of this situation clean by controlling yourself and then you see her breaking up with him within few months, wouldnt it be better than make yourself miserable...because you will be miserable whatever you try to do either to win her back or bash her.

Dont send anything, texts, emails or any other thing which is a proof.

 

[DaddyLongShanks]

The best thing you can do for your mental health and ego is get another REAL gf so that she doesnt matter. It will shield you from any of their silliness.

 

[Yewki]

I know everyone is saying do nothing but what about sending this text today, before my date tomorrow.

Didn't read your text message ideas, it doesn't matter. Sorry to hear about your depression. I think you should seek professional help. Good luck in life.

 

[DragonBlood]

I'd be friends with the dude actually. [...] Treat him and her the same as if nothing ever happened. He can realize that she isn't the nicest person ever and that you're actually a pretty cool dude.

This thought had occurred to me, but the problem with that is I dont even like the guy. Around the guys all he focuses on is trying to convince people how much women love him which ends up with him getting laughed at, and if there is even ONE women in the group he will just ignore all the guys and do whatever he can think of to grab her attention. Constant ego boosting. Could care less for that.

It seems to me that she planned everything, [...] and ONLY THEN tricked you in a argument and use it as a reason to break up with you and not being considered responsible.

Yep. She avoids responsibility for everything, its one of her best skills. I could take that, if she didnt then turn around and use the argument as an excuse to spread **** and ultimately damage my reputation looking for sympathy from her orbiters at work. People caught on eventually not to take her seriously, but it took a long ****ing time and alot of social rapport building and patience on my part. Can you feel the love?

Imagine that you go out of this situation clean by controlling yourself and then you see her breaking up with him within few months, wouldnt it be better than make yourself miserable...because you will be miserable whatever you try to do either to win her back or bash her.

That would feel really good, and is likely to happen if I do nothing and just focus on enjoying my life. This other guy is too crazy for validation, and she is similar. Its like, they suck validation off of each other. I dont envy THAT kind of relationship, but it seems to work for them.


Today I took the day off of work, exercised and just put my coping mechanisms into order to get a handle on my depression first and foremost. I did the BDI at the end of the day and I came out 25 - moderate depression. I am definitely feeling slightly numb and disconnected today even after doing things to boost my mood. Im not sure what to expect when Im actually out of my comfort zone. I am optimistic though with all this great advice, it has really helped alot guys! I have tried to pin point exactly what the core of the depression is and it basically boils down to this.

1. Feelings of being trapped in a helpless situation. Just allowing the abuse to occur.
2. When this other guy was "out there" abroad and it was inconvenient for her I could rationalize that it would fizzle out, but I now have to come to accept never having access to this woman I cared about again. Fully losing this women.


Rest, diet and exercise are not getting at the core of the issue. Additionally I have never found a therapist to be that helpful which just focuses on positive thinking and meditation. The worse part for me, is when I feel like this I actually lose my appetite (common symptom). It took me 2-3hrs to finish my dinner through lack of hunger. This is something I definitely feel ashamed about at work during lunch time as it is such a DEAD GIVE AWAY that Im not carefree.

Here is how I view things as it stands. I am lucky to find out about this new hire before he arrives. I actually found out accidentally when it was mentioned in passing at a meeting about all the new hires. The entire office was there, except for one person who was inexplicitly missing. So, I have roughly a month to really work on myself and get my **** together. Really get to a place where I have addressed the two above problems and beat this relapse and women out of my system for good. Im not fully sure how to do that, as the typical coping mechanisms are not proving majorly effective at this point in time.

 

[DaddyLongShanks]

I already told you. You probably should be talking to a mental professional too. It will be killing you and your psyche if you do not have anything else going on. And I don't mean single doing one night stands and you don't have anyone...

It's going to be better for you to have a permenant gf during this juncture, someone who actually cares for you. It will be a shield against any of the games or visuals that you will see between your ex and her new man.

Trust me. You will build up too much stress even if you are being strong without having someone else.

 

[DragonBlood]

I stopped reading when I read that you work with your ex

Says the man who wants to date the fat chicks at work. Dont bring your ego in when someone is in an emotionally unstable state. That is seriously ****ed up.

I already told you. You probably should be talking to a mental professional too. It will be killing you and your psyche if you do not have anything else going on. And I don't mean single doing one night stands and you don't have anyone...

It's going to be better for you to have a permenant gf during this juncture, someone who actually cares for you. It will be a shield against any of the games or visuals that you will see between your ex and her new man.

Trust me. You will build up too much stress even if you are being strong without having someone else.

My recovery to date

Unfortunately my usual therapist / support group is not available for another 2 months. So, instead I took a break from work, stuck rigidly to my coping mechanisms (exercise, sleep, self help articles, reflection etc) and did a daily BDI to make sure my symptoms were not getting worse. I can happily say I have moved my BDI down to 16 and today zero. I am feeling motivated and my hunger has returned! I will keep an eye on my state of mind when Im under stress in the months to come but generally feel positive about the future. I can safely say it feels good to be back in the real world haha.

You DLS and many others were right. Besides removing the pressure of work finding other people who actually care about my wellbeing was key to recovery. I went on my date with this other girl and within the first 5mins straight out told her that I was feeling depressed and why, without lingering or looking for sympathy. If you are in a bad mood and a women has taken the time out of her day to meet you then I think its best to just be honest about why you are not bringing the "positive emotions" in case she thinks it was disinterest or somehow her fault. She was sympathetic, subject changed and we had a reasonably good time. Facing my fear that something bad could happen if I wore my heart on my sleeve went a long way to improving my self esteem as I was concerned my state of mind and trying to hide it would create a downward spiral of losing my plates and feeling even worse. Nope! Quite the opposite actually.


The following day this girl reaches out to me again telling me she hopes Im feeling better and off her own back organises a nature trail walk followed by dinner (basically, a 3 hour date) for next week. Nature walks are something I enjoy, so I am ecstatic that she remembers stuff like this. My ex would never in a million years be this understanding. Considering that I was at my possible worst during a date this type of kindness from a woman wasnt even in my reality afew days ago. I have very little fear of date anxiety even left at this point if I can pull this off.

Later in the day I bump into another girl who flaked me on a date, I never got back to her or made a big deal of it. I just forgot. She is happy to see me, apologizes and I organised another shopping day with her next week which she eagerly agrees too. So I now have two dates back to back next week. This is how my BDI moved from 25 to 16 in two days. In my mind the fact that I am getting apologies, enthusiasm and support that I didnt ask for far out weights the emotional benefit of pushing for mind numbing sex in the clubs. I think what my body was really starved of was basic positive nurturing emotions. I am definitely lucky over all though as had I not been spinning plates over the years my "eco-system" of girls and experience wouldnt of been there to rely on, and I would have really had to take massive action and claw my way out of depression. Even I am a little surprised about how well the rest of the week went.


Thoughts on relationships and learning from my ex

With my senses about me now I spent most of today reflecting on the core issues and where I went wrong with my ex. And realistically I did very little wrong. It was classic manipulation as WDWs had already pointed out. The impression was that everything was fine but she was already one foot out the door. Even if I somehow avoided arguments and did all the little 1%s right, she was always going to leave. The feelings of having something valuable to lose (which she portrayed) can send me into a dangerous spiral, but I never had anything to lose in the first place. It was only my patience and understanding of the game, not real love and affection on her part, that was drawing things out far longer than they should have. I should have known better. The game should be used to enhance a womans emotions... not sustain a failing relationship! Game is the spice not the main course to a successful relationship. I think this is a big problem many guys run into. Trying to protect their fragile oneitis and avoid rejections and growth.

More than likely if I continue along this path my ex will feel suffocated and bored in her new comfortable arrangements, and seeing me having fun with other cool girls will probably reach out. But I will be so busy building quality connections and experiences and actually enjoying the time I spend with women I wont even care to respond. Not in a mean way, I just wont care anymore. I can already feel and see that happening right now because I feel so free.


One thing I fail to fully understand is why my mind seems to fall prey to very rapid depression and numbness from a shock to the system. I believe it is partly rooted in genetics as I have always been this way, but I am "normally" a very motivated person and do everything in my power to understand and overcome rapid depression. I think if I pay more attention to red flags and just let girls flow naturally in and out of my life while focusing on myself I would probably avoid such big shocks in the first place.

 

[Thundernuts]

Op ex girlfriends get alot of satisfaction from knowing that you still think about them after the break up. Especially when they are moving on and seeing other people. Don't let her have that satisfaction by sending her those text messages because she will not care that you are trying to give closure or that you tried. Women withdraw from relationships weeks before they end them these messages are pointless and you will lose frame by sending them.

Just move on with your life. Do whatever you need to do to stop thinking about her and do not send her anything unless it is work related. Don't be nicer than just being polite do not flirt or compliment her. And do not try to engage her outside of work. Women are not known for remaining proffessional with relationships in a work place so eventually this will irritate her.

 

[DragonBlood]

Do whatever you need to do to stop thinking about her and do not send her anything unless it is work related [...] eventually this will irritate her.

Alright that sounds like fun and probably what Im going to do. Regarding texting I have told myself that no matter what the contents they are all projecting my own interest and do not send. The shock to my system threw me off.

One thing I dont understand is what she sees in this other guy. Hes shorter than her, notably less attractive than me and has poor conversation skills (english is not his first language). When I knew him before he would fail on fat chicks and was very needy even then. He found himself in his current situation basically by AMOGing and staying in my girls orbit long enough until I pissed her off. He immediately settled for a LDR and now hes pulling out all the stops and leaving his old life behind so he can spend time with her 24/7. He is doing all the beta chump stuff that brought me here but is actually getting the hottest girl.

I dont ****ing get it. What glitch in the matrix is this bull****.

Im largely pissed not because I lost "the one" but because of the amount of time and effort I have to put in to find another super model looks girl in my rotation.. all the while this other guy is getting paid to chump it up with a super model. And Im going to be ****blocked hard for sure now. If he was funny, likable or a cool aloof guy it would be easier for me to accept and move on. What gives it extra sting is that she appears to be backsliding. I am convinced my presence has to be in someway fueling the motivation for this relationship, and that if I decided to just up and quit it would fizzle out.