dagreatgrizz23
Don Juan
Get another job dude. Problem solved!
Hires her Boyfriend?
- Thread starter DragonBlood
- Start date
DragonBlood
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- Dec 20, 2012
- Messages
- 520
- Reaction score
- 31
- Age
- 36
I had an unexpected run in with my ex and her new boy toy at a business event. So I thought I would post how it went.
There was a demo day organised on monday where different people collaborate and present their work. The bf was there two weeks before he is actually starting, I didnt know about this and was a bit surprised. So I just ignore and go take a look at the other demos. I notice as I am doing this, my ex is actively keeping her distance from me. Deep down I was still expecting my ex to "girl up" and tell me directly about the new hire long before he arrives. She has yet to tell me directly about her relationship, or when this guy was starting, I only found out through her friends. So I found her behavior and allowing this scenario to occur pretty pathetic. She even went as far as leaving her own demo unattended for the whole event because it was directly beside her bfs demo stand... I find her air of aloofness not only disrespectful to me, but also to her new bf to not validate him!
About half way through the demo day one of the bosses grabs everyones attention and announced the new hires officially (including bf). Instead of looking at the speaker I notice my ex spying looks over at me with big eyes and grin to see how I will react. Thanks to this thread burning my energy I dont react at all. Instead once the announcements are over I half shrug my shoulders ignore my ex and just go back to the demos as if nothing happened. This was hard to do because I actually really needed to take a piss. But if I left during the announcements it would look like I ran out like a cry baby, so I had to bear cramps another 20min hahaha. My ex is addicted to drama and I didnt want to give her any satisfaction, especially for failing to just tell me herself. I wanted to turn the event into a positive experience. An opportunity to preemptively clear some of the air.
After seeing all the demos I just went over to my ex and asked her where her demo was. She motioned to where it was and said "Not to go over there" with a hint of concern. I took from that, that her new bf probably doesnt think too highly of me. Her bf had been there guarding the two demos the whole event instead of socializing, because the demo was tucked in the corner and he had not approached me at this point (just the odd look at this mysterious sexy man he has heard so much about) I felt he was trying to hide from me. After considering my exs request I asked myself what would Julien Blanc do in this situation... made myself a cup of tea, and went over anyway. It was tempting to just leave the event without recognizing him, but this just felt cowardly.
I know this guy from before and just shook his hand and was friendly. The second my attention was diverted to someone else in the group though, he left immediately and went over to my ex, where the two of them spent the rest of the event together. He was actually messing with his phone so its possible my ex texted him and asked him to leave. She was watching from afar instead of entering the conversation. I never did see his demo and the conversation was one sided.
TL;DR
Accidentally run in with ex and new bf at a demo day. Instead of reacting badly I kept a friendly vibe and eventually directly approached the bf to welcome him to the new office. (pretty clear he wasnt going to talk to me). In the end both my ex and the new bf displayed passive aggressive behavior but I remained indifferent and held onto my dignity.
I was happy to see that when I was in a volatile situation that I wasnt expecting, instead of being depressed as before or trying to win back the ex, I turned to conflict resolution.
There was a demo day organised on monday where different people collaborate and present their work. The bf was there two weeks before he is actually starting, I didnt know about this and was a bit surprised. So I just ignore and go take a look at the other demos. I notice as I am doing this, my ex is actively keeping her distance from me. Deep down I was still expecting my ex to "girl up" and tell me directly about the new hire long before he arrives. She has yet to tell me directly about her relationship, or when this guy was starting, I only found out through her friends. So I found her behavior and allowing this scenario to occur pretty pathetic. She even went as far as leaving her own demo unattended for the whole event because it was directly beside her bfs demo stand... I find her air of aloofness not only disrespectful to me, but also to her new bf to not validate him!
About half way through the demo day one of the bosses grabs everyones attention and announced the new hires officially (including bf). Instead of looking at the speaker I notice my ex spying looks over at me with big eyes and grin to see how I will react. Thanks to this thread burning my energy I dont react at all. Instead once the announcements are over I half shrug my shoulders ignore my ex and just go back to the demos as if nothing happened. This was hard to do because I actually really needed to take a piss. But if I left during the announcements it would look like I ran out like a cry baby, so I had to bear cramps another 20min hahaha. My ex is addicted to drama and I didnt want to give her any satisfaction, especially for failing to just tell me herself. I wanted to turn the event into a positive experience. An opportunity to preemptively clear some of the air.
After seeing all the demos I just went over to my ex and asked her where her demo was. She motioned to where it was and said "Not to go over there" with a hint of concern. I took from that, that her new bf probably doesnt think too highly of me. Her bf had been there guarding the two demos the whole event instead of socializing, because the demo was tucked in the corner and he had not approached me at this point (just the odd look at this mysterious sexy man he has heard so much about) I felt he was trying to hide from me. After considering my exs request I asked myself what would Julien Blanc do in this situation... made myself a cup of tea, and went over anyway. It was tempting to just leave the event without recognizing him, but this just felt cowardly.
I know this guy from before and just shook his hand and was friendly. The second my attention was diverted to someone else in the group though, he left immediately and went over to my ex, where the two of them spent the rest of the event together. He was actually messing with his phone so its possible my ex texted him and asked him to leave. She was watching from afar instead of entering the conversation. I never did see his demo and the conversation was one sided.
TL;DR
Accidentally run in with ex and new bf at a demo day. Instead of reacting badly I kept a friendly vibe and eventually directly approached the bf to welcome him to the new office. (pretty clear he wasnt going to talk to me). In the end both my ex and the new bf displayed passive aggressive behavior but I remained indifferent and held onto my dignity.
I was happy to see that when I was in a volatile situation that I wasnt expecting, instead of being depressed as before or trying to win back the ex, I turned to conflict resolution.
Last edited:
No.Danny
Master Don Juan
Build a bridge and get over you little ****ing *****
DragonBlood
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- Dec 20, 2012
- Messages
- 520
- Reaction score
- 31
- Age
- 36
Would being chill and trying to befriend the new bf not be classed as building a bridge? I guess I could of burst into tears during the announcements and stormed out of the event.No.Danny said:
I am trying to accept the reality of the situation for what it is, face my fears and just come to peace with it.
sph21
Senior Don Juan
- Joined
- Oct 27, 2013
- Messages
- 279
- Reaction score
- 179
- Age
- 42
I can see from your writings that you fully understand about the situation and you have been seeking any help you can get. It is an honorable act.
You need to shift your core thinking from negativity to a positive one. That's why those professionals are telling you that. Stop concluding what other people are thinking right now about you by examining their actions. We don't know what are they're thinking exactly until we ask them ourselves. Start developing this kind of attitude: "Everyone can think what ever they want to think about me but I am not less than what I think is true about me. I am a man and I will handle every problem as a man."
Stop over analyzing circumstances and stop caring about how other people think of you. These kind of skills take time to master. I get the impression of you focusing too much attention of your ex and her boyfriend.
Stop focusing too much of how much your stress level is by taking a test. By doing that test, you're focusing on the negative side you. You were expecting how much depression you get at a time and what you get in return is depression. Start expecting good things and good things will start to come in your life. Brian Tracy call this as 'law of expectation' .
Robert Greene illustrated this kind of condition better in his book 48 Laws of Power : Disdain things you cannot have: ignoring them is the best revenge. You might wanna read that book as it tells us how to become a powerful person.
You need to shift your core thinking from negativity to a positive one. That's why those professionals are telling you that. Stop concluding what other people are thinking right now about you by examining their actions. We don't know what are they're thinking exactly until we ask them ourselves. Start developing this kind of attitude: "Everyone can think what ever they want to think about me but I am not less than what I think is true about me. I am a man and I will handle every problem as a man."
Stop over analyzing circumstances and stop caring about how other people think of you. These kind of skills take time to master. I get the impression of you focusing too much attention of your ex and her boyfriend.
Stop focusing too much of how much your stress level is by taking a test. By doing that test, you're focusing on the negative side you. You were expecting how much depression you get at a time and what you get in return is depression. Start expecting good things and good things will start to come in your life. Brian Tracy call this as 'law of expectation' .
Robert Greene illustrated this kind of condition better in his book 48 Laws of Power : Disdain things you cannot have: ignoring them is the best revenge. You might wanna read that book as it tells us how to become a powerful person.
DragonBlood
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- Dec 20, 2012
- Messages
- 520
- Reaction score
- 31
- Age
- 36
@PPRF I remember reading about that, I think we have had similar experiences as this women besides her beauty has narcissistic behaviors, which only add to her allure. I find myself starting to drift away from her as I slowly realise the helplessness of my situation. Even if I was to turn this around I would still be left working at the same place with a vengeful bf, who turned his whole life around to be with this women. That puts alot of stupid attention onto me. I dont see any clear 'win'.
However I have started to become very nihilistic from this experience. I went for a walk in a quiet park and my mind began to drift to the past three girls I dated that were not present, and the amount of time and energy I put into these people. I realised that I am truly 'alone' in this world, all things come to an end and that I am putting my value onto the wrong things, but I am now unsure what to place my value in. Its like letting go of this women and the situation, but mainly, taking steps to avoid this kind of mistake again, is causing an existential crisis on value. What lessons I should take moving forward from this etc.
The girls that are in my life now and actually like me, I am so indifferent towards them because Im current not sure what my value or 'mission' in life should be outside of money and relationships (temporal external validation).
As a side Im aware of the 'law of expectation' or 'self fulfilling prophesy', but putting a number on real depression and taking steps to bring it down, reframing your thoughts towards positivity is something I learned from therapy.
The problem I have with that and that kind of logic on SS is how self defeatist NC logic is. I liken NC logic to dancing with your girl in the club. Then all of a sudden another guy 'cuts in' on your dance. In reaction to that you ignore your girl for the rest of the night to build desire, she starts to feel attraction for the other guy who has her full attention. She questions your behavior and he takes her home and ****s her brains out.
By hiding I am on some level showing cowardice and a lack of desire. Giving this other guy maximum ability to deepen the connection further. NC validates her decision???
However I have started to become very nihilistic from this experience. I went for a walk in a quiet park and my mind began to drift to the past three girls I dated that were not present, and the amount of time and energy I put into these people. I realised that I am truly 'alone' in this world, all things come to an end and that I am putting my value onto the wrong things, but I am now unsure what to place my value in. Its like letting go of this women and the situation, but mainly, taking steps to avoid this kind of mistake again, is causing an existential crisis on value. What lessons I should take moving forward from this etc.
The girls that are in my life now and actually like me, I am so indifferent towards them because Im current not sure what my value or 'mission' in life should be outside of money and relationships (temporal external validation).
I am starting to see the logic in this and the importance of focusing on the self. That the only true authority comes from within. The problem I now face is Im starting to de-value the significance of relationships in general, even the significance of my own actions towards a point of nihilism. This is not necessarily bad, but Im not sure how to identify with uncertainty and what to place my value in. My old beliefs were deeply grounded in caring for others, volunteer work etc, but with that shattered through several negative experiences over the past year its hard for me to deny how ridiculous that position is.sph21 said:
As a side Im aware of the 'law of expectation' or 'self fulfilling prophesy', but putting a number on real depression and taking steps to bring it down, reframing your thoughts towards positivity is something I learned from therapy.
There is one more week until this guy starts full time. He will most likely be sharing the same office as my ex. So my mind has obviously been racing to make some kind of big gesture or attempt to escalate etc during this window. However the biggest 'gesture' I could really make is to intentionally ignore her for the next 3+ weeks and let her chase if she chooses while I look for someone better.sph21 said:
The problem I have with that and that kind of logic on SS is how self defeatist NC logic is. I liken NC logic to dancing with your girl in the club. Then all of a sudden another guy 'cuts in' on your dance. In reaction to that you ignore your girl for the rest of the night to build desire, she starts to feel attraction for the other guy who has her full attention. She questions your behavior and he takes her home and ****s her brains out.
By hiding I am on some level showing cowardice and a lack of desire. Giving this other guy maximum ability to deepen the connection further. NC validates her decision???