HELP PLEASE!!!How to not seem needy when you are already in a relationship???

[Amateur_FOR_NOW]

I have this problem, when I'm getting the girl I'm pretty alpha but when we do end up together I start slowly becoming wussy and needy?

Advice needed please?

(by the way...before I get her do I act good to everyone else except her or vice-versa?)

 

[Damian]

Have your own life. That is the key to not being needy before, during, and after a relationship. Get yourself busy and involved in something other than your girlfriend. Be self-critical. Observe yourself and your actions constantly and stop yourself if you think you are being needy. Remember that just because you don't want to be needy, doesn't mean you can disregard your responsibility to the relationship, and the same for girlfriend. Know what the boundaries are for you and your girlfriend. Enforce them.

-Damian

 

[ScrewIt]

its ironic, i would think the opposite would happen.

But anyway, just remember you had a life before she came along, and you should still.

 

[Kaine]

Yes a good general response would be to have your own life and advertise it.


Displaying neediness is a common problem that many guys have, and those that think that the chase ends when you get the girl will find this to be an ongoing stumbling block and usually ends in the ejecting of the girl and a shocked BF once the interest level slowly and insidiously trickles away like a leaky urinal.


You need to retain some element of challenge in order to help keep interest level high, you cannot ever relax 100% in a relationship if you ever want to keep a girl in the long term. Here are some specific positive anti neediness relationship fundamentals which will help you in the long term.


1. Show willingness to be away from her (if she needs her space give it to her with grin, and again having your own life away from her and to break patterns)

2. Tease her (Bust her in a playful way)

3. Be willing to say No (She needs to respect you and although you met her needs she is still reminded that she ultimately cannot control you)


Been aware of these simple character building basics will help you in a big way in a long term without having to go down the abusive BF path.


No need to be "too" mean or complicated.



Kaine

 

[Bigworm]

one thing i constantly do and works absolute wonders is to only call her at most twice a week. This sends all the right signals and keeps convos fresh -- without talking bout the same lame routine. if she call u on the other hand then its good, u take it as a sign of interest. by the way u need to change ur mindset --- def. get ur own life, make her come into your reality (eg. hobbies, interests, outlook on life) not the other way around.

 

[Amateur_FOR_NOW]

Originally posted by Bigworm
one thing i constantly do and works absolute wonders is to only call her at most twice a week. This sends all the right signals and keeps convos fresh -- without talking bout the same lame routine. if she call u on the other hand then its good, u take it as a sign of interest. by the way u need to change ur mindset --- def. get ur own life, make her come into your reality (eg. hobbies, interests, outlook on life) not the other way around.

OK, I agree with you all but what if I overdo it?I think I am overdoing it right now!

WHERE IS THE BOUNDARY?

 

[MightyMate]

I also had this problem..
Start cheating..

 

[Kaine]

In most cases I never call

If I do, then it's to set appointments

Set your frame from the beginning, let her be the one to call you and keep it short. Chicks love to gab for hours you should be too busy hunting dinosaurs for that kind of shennanigans.


Kaine

 

[BuckwildNYC]

I see it happen all the time. I see so many relationships where the woman is in control. I think men just get tired of acting alpha and just let the woman take over. Maybe they get too tired of arguing lol. Take my father for instance. He always lets my step-mother control the remote. If there is something he really wants to watch amd she doesn't want to watch it he ends up watching it in the bedroom on the small TV.

FOR ALL THAT IS HOLY ON THIS GOD"S GREEN EARTH................. I WILL CUT MY BALLS OFF AND FEED THEM TO MYSELF IF THIS TYPE OF **** EVER HAPPENS TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Picture me having some bytch watch TV on my 5,000 dollar plasma while I'm in the bedroom watching football on the 19 in. Fukk that.............. I'll either be in control or I'll remain single.............. not a big deal either way.

 

[Egoist]

no matter how much you care about a woman:

-never let her be the number one in your life - you should have a purpose. Women secretly hate men who treat them like a most important thing.

-ignore or flawlessly pass her sh!t tests, which as always going to be there

-Stay a man, stay in control, do things your way. If you want chinese and she says "well, i don't know.." say "Either we are getting chinese right now, or you can get your ass to the kitchen and make me a steak."

-Love her and fvck her like a man, not like a wimp. Screw her like you are a fvcking god.

But through all of that remember, treat her well, give her your undivided attention sometimes, and all will be well.

But yeah, stay a man! :cheer:

 

[letmeshowyou]

Have your own life. That is the key to not being needy before, during, and after a relationship. Get yourself busy and involved in something other than your girlfriend. Be self-critical. Observe yourself and your actions constantly and stop yourself if you think you are being needy. Remember that just because you don't want to be needy, doesn't mean you can disregard your responsibility to the relationship, and the same for girlfriend. Know what the boundaries are for you and your girlfriend. Enforce them.

-Damian

^ I agree with this, indeed ^

 

[Egoist]

Originally posted by letmeshowyou
Remember that just because you don't want to be needy, doesn't mean you can disregard your responsibility to the relationship, and the same for girlfriend. Know what the boundaries are for you and your girlfriend. Enforce them.

GOLD

 

[frivolousz21]

keep ur mouth shut about it.


and then observe her behavior.

if she does nothing to betray your trust then u have nothing to worry about

 

[gmp123]

teething issues

Hey guys, first time poster here.
I've had some real difficulties trying to turn the corner an remove neediness from our marriage.
My wife has basically shut down in the bedroom. She never initiates anything or does anything apart from starfish during sex these days (if I get so lucky as to find her in the mood). So I wanted to amplify the attraction between us.

I have been taking a hands off approach.. ie.. making sure my body language doesn't seek attention, passing her sh!t tests and basically doing my own thing. All the while trying making sure that its her that gives it up not me clambering on top of her and initiating sex as usual.

This might seem trivial but its actually pretty dire. She basically turns her back on me and goes to sleep every night without a word and I remember my last bl0w_job like it was some sort of classic movie (Its been nearly 2 years).

Anyway its been one week since my new regiment began and she is starting to seriously complain that I'm being too cold to her... Wtf

 

[Greasy Pig]

Google "Dave from Hawaii". He managed to turn around a very similar situation to yours.

 

[Renegade357]

This mostly goes for girls who you are crazy about. In other words your interst level was higher than hers in the beginning and you had to sort of work her up to you.

Sadly, I know all this and I still managed to get myself into the same boat. In my opinion picking up a girl and managing the first 60 days of a relationship is the easy part. Keeping them afterwards though is very difficult. Being a challenge in a long term relationship is hard. You're supposed to drive the girls interest level up into the 90s and keep it there. Most guys I tihnk get her into the 80s then sort of ease up on the gas and start wussing.

I find myself in a horrible position now and the beginnings of this wussiness are starting to creep in. I think it's because being a challenge all the time is exhausting. Always having to setup dates and plan every detail, always having to control communication, control the things you say. You can't really relax if you want to keep her in love with you. And eventually I hate to say it. The reward for these efforts starts to seem not worth it.

I don't know what I'll do about my current situation. It may already be too late but I will probably try to cool off a bit and continue fighting the good fight.

I'd say we pretty much have four options here when it comes to LTRs.

1. Start dating women beneath you. That way being a challenge will be easy.
2. Enjoy the first 60 days with a chick while you still have energy. Get some action along the way. When she drops you after you exaust yourself go back, resupply your fort and find another.
3. Remain a challenge and exaust yourself trying to live up to this girl's expectations.
4. Become Asexual.

Good luck.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Hey guys, first time poster here.
I've had some real difficulties trying to turn the corner an remove neediness from our marriage.
My wife has basically shut down in the bedroom. She never initiates anything or does anything apart from starfish during sex these days (if I get so lucky as to find her in the mood). So I wanted to amplify the attraction between us.

I have been taking a hands off approach.. ie.. making sure my body language doesn't seek attention, passing her sh!t tests and basically doing my own thing. All the while trying making sure that its her that gives it up not me clambering on top of her and initiating sex as usual.

This might seem trivial but its actually pretty dire. She basically turns her back on me and goes to sleep every night without a word and I remember my last bl0w_job like it was some sort of classic movie (Its been nearly 2 years).

Anyway its been one week since my new regiment began and she is starting to seriously complain that I'm being too cold to her... Wtf

GMP, you're hijacking someone else's thread.

Copy and paste your post into a new thread on the main DJ Discussion screen. You'll get a lot more eyeballs on your question and more help.

Atom Smasher (Mod)

 

[Harry Wilmington]

GMP, you're hijacking someone else's thread. Copy and paste your post into a new thread on the main DJ Discussion screen. You'll get a lot more eyeballs on your question and more help.

He can't - he has to post up responses on 10 other threads before he's allowed to start his own thread, and so far he's at 1.

Anyway... to the OP, I think enough people here have already talked about the mindset you need to have. Here are some simple actions you can do to display non-neediness:

1. Every so often, when she text or call you, don't answer right away - wait a minimum of 1 hour. Then, hit her back and don't tell her why you couldn't respond right away.

2. If you make plans for a certain day, and then she hits you back trying to move your plans to an earlier day or time, tell her you've already filled up that time with other things.

3. Rarely - if ever - verbalize your feelings. Do as much as you can to show her through your actions that you care about her, but lessen the verbage.

4. Do NOT initiate text messages with her unless its to set up plans (and even then, phone calls are better). Texting KILLS relationships.

5. If she ever gets you really upset, like on some disrespectful stuff, don't be afraid to pull contact from her for a couple of days. Girls need to know that they're wrong sometimes too, and that there are consequences to her being a biznich.

6. When you two go out, try to have at least ONE story about something you did with another friend since the last time you saw her. That way, she will know you're not just sittin around obsessing about her when she's not there, and that you DO interact with other people.

Hope this helps!

 

[MikeOck]

5. If she ever gets you really upset, like on some disrespectful stuff, don't be afraid to pull contact from her for a couple of days. Girls need to know that they're wrong sometimes too, and that there are consequences to her being a biznich.

I've been called "Passive-Aggressive" more than once for using this technique. Having thought about it, they were right. For short-term relationships it usually gets the desired results the first few times you use it, but in a long term relationship, if you want it to last, communication is important. The better advice for a long term relationship is to actually tell her, "You did blah blah blah and it pissed me off."

If you find yourself complaining every other day about how she is making you mad, it might be a good time to reconsider whether or not the relationship is healthy for you.

 

[VladPatton]

I think it all boils down to the fact that some people just drift apart and loose the spark, hence no more fire in the relationship. It IS exhausting to constantly be on your toes and act a certain way just to keep things afloat. For me, it is not worth it, and I'd rather be single. The choice is yours, of course.

However, this is not a license to act like a puʂʂy AFC and expect things to go your way. As a general whole, your character should be as DJ as possible. When she starts fighting you constantly, no more sex, is disrespectful, etc. despite you being DJ-ish, then she is just unhappy with your ass and it might be time to press the eject button. All you'll do at this point will be self-obsessing about every action and word just to make sure you are on top of things. Females have the ability to flip on you in 3 times in one second.

Sometimes, you do it all right, and it still hits the fan.

Good luck to you...keep us posted.