HELP, don't know how to treat my gf with Borderline Personality Disorder

[JaguarMike]

how about you just smack her

 

[Kourt]

I promised never to hit her, and if I did hit her she'd leave me, so I guess that'd be a good way to get rid of her too lol, however I really dont think violence to women is the solution to this problem

 

[Luveno]

Originally posted by Pimp-sicle
SO TRUE!!!! In the beginning she was soooo sweet, sooo incredibly sexy, and so much fun!! Everything I ever wanted in a gf and more!! Bought me expensive gifts, called me everday to say she was thinking about me, loved me, missed me. Wrote me long love notes telling me she knew I was her husband to be!! :woo: Then the demon veiled its ugly face!! We started fighting a lot. My exgf never raged at me much (until the end) but she had this way of talking down to me, to make me feel like shiat and then always lie.

Your girl doesn't have her fish hook deep into yet, so your perfect. And don't be so naive about the cheating and lying!! All bp's do it, its just a matter of figuring it out bro.



PIMP

Sounds like my soon to be ex.

She was great starting off. Then she became a chore to be around - regularly condescending, moody, guilt projecting, needy, and afraid of abandonment. I doubt she was cheating on me due to the fact all she ever did was try to hang around me like a lost puppy dog. She was relatively honest, so I can't accuse her of being a liar. However, she was just plain mean most of the time. It's getting annoying so I'm slowly cutting contact( basically never calling her and ignoring her completely). It can be up to her to take the hint.


My suggestion is to keep her on a back burner. Go date other women too, and see if you can find someone better concurrently. There's nothing wrong with you doing that.

If you need to break up with her, break up with her in a way that doesn't make her feel alienated about her illness(we gotta have a bit of compassion here)
Tell her she sucks in bed or something, or that you dont have time for a relationship. Or just get scarce and let her take the hint, as I'm doing.

 

[MacDiddy]

Kourt: I think this forum is the wrong place to be getting advice on support for your GF's disorder and your relationship with her. You just won't get a sympathetic ear to what your going through...

Everyone here is looking out for number 1, and they are all geared up to find and seek greener pastures because this is what this web site is about... empowering us men to seek what we want... And we all want the good stuff.

The person you are looking out for must be yourself... and if being with this chick and putting up with her $hit means you get pu$$y then thats the cost to you...

Most of us on the other hand would have been making plans to bail, the moment that red flag went up...

 

[penguin]

I'll go against the general advice and say give it a go. Everyone here can tell you how BPD is bad, and it is, but nothing teaches you like experience does.

If you run now, you'll only face the same problem when you meet another BPD. If you go on this crazy ride, however, you'll learn. You'll then KNOW how bad it really is.

I see the points in both ways... You can have reasons for giving it a good go (as mentioned above) or running from it (which is perfectly fine, no-one likes the kind of torture a BPD will put you through).

I'd just like you to know that if you decide to ignore the general advice on this thread, that you are in for one nasty ride.

 

[optimist prime]

Some of you are not getting it.

BPD cannot be cured, it can not be contained, it cannot be reasoned with, it has one mission in life, to destroy as many lives as possible.

Imagine combining some of the worse disorders known to man-depression, skytzophrenia, chronic lieing, fear of abandenment, substance abuse, violence----and there you have BPD.

And whatever you do, DO NOT HIT THIS GIRL IN ANY WAY TO BREAK UP WITH HER!!!

READ AGAIN!!

DO NOT HIT THIS GIRL IN ANY WAY TO BREAK UP WITH HER!!!

Did you not read my earlier post? When a BPD is left feeling abandoned, their biggest fear, they are liable to do anything. Mine the day I broke up with her for good hit herself, cut herself, called the police, and claimed I hit her. THe police arrested me-even though she had obviously been drinking and had a history of lieing to the police, locked me in Jail for 3 days, and charged me with domestic violence. DO NOT LAY A HAND ON HER. You cannot tocuh a woman in todays world without the risk of being charged with domestic violence.

I am one of the most laid back people you will ever meet-I dont argeu, I rarely if ever fight, but here I was charged with DV, attending anger management classed with a bunch of psychos, and paying over $2500 infines and costs. Luckily, after attending the classes, my record was cleared, but still--DO NOT TOUCH HER!!!!!! Unless you want your life to be a living hell.

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by MacDiddy
Kourt: I think this forum is the wrong place to be getting advice on support for your GF's disorder and your relationship with her. You just won't get a sympathetic ear to what your going through...

Everyone here is looking out for number 1, and they are all geared up to find and seek greener pastures because this is what this web site is about... empowering us men to seek what we want... And we all want the good stuff.

The person you are looking out for must be yourself... and if being with this chick and putting up with her $hit means you get pu$$y then thats the cost to you...

Most of us on the other hand would have been making plans to bail, the moment that red flag went up...

Actually, I don't think it's the wrong place at all. Perhaps it would be if there weren't several people with first hand experience dealing with people with BPD. And frankly...unless you've actually been in a romantic relationship with someone with BPD you can't even begin to imagine just how horrible it is. A person cannot be involved with someone with BPD and walk away from it without being affected in a very bad way. This isn't just depression or anxiety...it is a personality disorder that is centered around the person's relationships with others and those others get sucked into the BPD's "crazy-making". If he stays with this girl he will feel and act crazy himself. That is why those of us who have experience are being so forceful in our advice to get out now before he is damaged. It takes a long time to recover from a LTR with a BPD. And the longer you are with them the less likely the BPD will ever be able to "let go" of you. This is what I face with my ex husband. I left him in 1994 and he is STILL obsessed with getting even, punishing me, sick and twisted attempts to force me to take him back, guilt, etc. It is NOT pleasant to contend with. After he was arrested for assaulting our son and he got out on bail I couldn't sleep because I seriously believed he was capable of coming here and killing my children and I or setting our home on fire. This is NOT a game...it's his very sanity, health and possibly his life. We are trying to HELP him because we KNOW what he's gotten himself into. Unfortunately...he doesn't understand what that is quite yet. Please...no one should encourage him to stay with this girl...especially if you don't have a complete and full understanding of what people with this disorder are capable of.

 

[Wyldfire]

Checklist from "Stop Walking On Eggshells":

Are you in a relationship with a person with Borderline Personality Disorder?

Do you find yourself concealing what you really think or feel because you're afraid of the other person's reaction, and it just doesn't seem worth the horrible fight or hurt feelings that will surely follow? Has this become so automatic that you have a hard time even identifying what you think or feel?

Feeling like you're walking on eggshells much of the time, and that no matter what you say or do, it will be twisted and used against you.

Being blamed and criticized for everything wrong in the relationship, even when it makes no logical sense.

Being the focus of intense, even violent rages that make no logical sense, alternating with periods when the other person acts perfectly normal and loving.

Feeling like you're being manipulated, controlled or even lied to sometimes.

Feeling like the person you care about sees you as either all good or all bad, with nothing in between.

Wishing that the person would act like they used to, when they seemed to love you and think you were perfect and everything was wonderful.

Feeling like the other person is like "Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde": one moment a loving, caring person; another moment someone who seems so vicious you barely recognize them. Wondering which one is "real." Hoping that it's a phase that will go away -- but it doesn't.

Feeling like you're on an emotional roller coaster with high highs (things are incredible, fantastic) and very low lows (feeling of despair, depression, grief for the relationship you thought you had).

Being afraid to ask for things in the relationship because you will be told you're too demanding or there is something wrong with you. Being told that your needs are wrong or not important.

Wondering if you're losing your grip on reality because the other person is always putting down or denying your point of view. Plus, the other person often acts just fine in front of other people, so no one believes you when you explain what's going on.

Feeling that nothing you do is ever right, and when you do manage to do what the other person wants, suddenly they change their expectations. The rules keep changing and no matter what you do, you can't win. Feeling helpless and trapped.

Being accused of doing things you never did and saying things you never said. Feeling misunderstood a great deal of the time, and when you try to explain, the other person doesn't believe you.

Being constantly put down, yet when you try to leave the relationship the other person tries to prevent you from leaving in a variety of ways -- anything from declarations of love and promises to change to outright implicit or explicit threats such as "you'll never see the children again" and "no one but me will ever love you."

Having a hard time planning anything (social engagement, etc.) because of the other person's moodiness, impulsiveness or unpredictability. Sometimes, even making excuses for their behavior to other people -- or trying to convince yourself that this is normal behavior.

Reading the above list and thinking "Oh my God, I had no idea that other people were going through the same thing and that there is a name for this: Borderline Personality Disorder."


This is just part of the reality of being with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder. It gets much, much worse than this, believe me. There aren't a lot of men with this disorder, either. I'm guessing that it's probably a bit worse to deal with someone who is much stronger than you are who is also a violent alcoholic in conjunction with having BPD. This is why I am so vocal about this disorder. I really don't want to see a 19 year old ending up feeling like they are losing their mind, having to look over their shoulder, wondering what crazy stunt the BPD in their life with pull next. I don't care how often or great the sex is or how attractive the person is...it is NOT worth it unless you are a masochist who likes being abused, tormented and terrorized on a daily basis. That's always what it leads to...ALWAYS...with or without medication. Yes, it's sad for those who suffer from BPD...but you CAN'T fix it...you CAN'T make them better. And most importantly...you CAN'T let them take you down with them.

 

[ikkenai]

Originally posted by JaguarMike
how about you just smack her

hahaha

 

[JaguarMike]

Honestly I was kidding with the hitting comment, and adomic individuals like your girlfriend with suppressive syndrome or bipolar whatever you call it, RUIN LIVES. They affect most people around them, and make them feel like crap. These people need to be taken out of society and confined or worse. They help no one, they hurt everyone, and drugs and expensive therapy will not solve these people's problems. Listen, the only way she will be functional with another man is with an abuser, a gangster, a man that will shut her down twice as hard as she does to a regular man. She probably had a bad father or no father, and wants a man to talk down to her, abuse her, etc. This is subconscious, she doesn't know she wants this. This is messedup, I know. I've dated two of these types and I empathize with you totally. They thought I was interesting because I would challenge them but still wouldn't put them down or abuse them like previous boyfriends... the sad part is a lot of these girls are super hot, but whatever. Let her go.

 

[Kourt]

Alright, well while I see your point guys, I cant be so cold as to let go and cut things off without having a solid reason to do so. She knows how important trust is to me, if she starts abusing it, shes gone. She knows fidelity is only second to trust, and if she cheats on me, even once, shes gone. This girl is my first love, I feel that I should at least stick it out until she gives me a reason to break up with her. Is that so unreasonable?

 

[Pimp-sicle]

Originally posted by penguin
I'll go against the general advice and say give it a go. Everyone here can tell you how BPD is bad, and it is, but nothing teaches you like experience does.

If you run now, you'll only face the same problem when you meet another BPD. If you go on this crazy ride, however, you'll learn. You'll then KNOW how bad it really is.

I see the points in both ways... You can have reasons for giving it a good go (as mentioned above) or running from it (which is perfectly fine, no-one likes the kind of torture a BPD will put you through).

I'd just like you to know that if you decide to ignore the general advice on this thread, that you are in for one nasty ride.

Penguin: I was gonna flip out at you for advising him to go through with the relationship, but I see your point. In my situation I was never "offically" her boyfriend for a while. That's what always kept me hooked on her because although I saw her lies and strange episodes, I didn't get to see ANYTHING compared to what I saw when we did become a couple. I feel like if I didn't go through with that relationship, then I'd still be in contact with her, still lust her, still give her chance after chance. However now, I'm over her, I know she's not fit for any type of romantic relationship and all I feel for her is anger/sadness.

Kourt: You CANNOT love someone after only 3 months. Your infatuated with her because she treats you like a king (for the moment) and she gives you great sex. Your soooo young bro, is this your first serious relationship? It would be soooo sad to start off your dating experience with someone like this. Yes, its great that she's in therapy and on meds, BUT that really doesn't mean anything!!! It takes anywhere from 2-5 years for the average borderline to recover from their illness. Some doctors compare it to peeling the layers off a onion, a long process. Even with therapy, the characteristics will and can return anytime they feel pain.

Even with ALLLLLL the knowledge I had on BPD prior to my relationship, it still spun me upside. I thought EXACTLY like you did. Well know that I know, it won't be that hard once everything goes bad!! WRONG!!!! Once you become sooo close and intimate with someone, you get attached, the pain that you will feel when you find out that she's been lying to you and riding someone elses d-ick will stab your heart out.

Once again, you say she's only told you little white lies? LOL I know you are defending her, you think she's perfect blah blah blah. BPD's lie so much, they can't even remember the truth. New research has found a chemical imbalance in their brain, which shows that they process regular information very differently from normal, healthy individuals.

I SERIOUSLY telling you to run the fuvk away and fast!! She WILL ruin your life, YOU will become massively depressed, YOU will start to feel somewhat CRAZY, she WILL move on so quickly that YOU will feel like you meant nothing to her.

And that's the whole falacy of BPD. They hold on to us soooo tighth because they "need" us, but if YOU really understood the disorder and cared for her, you'd let her go and get help BY HERSELF!! The more guys in the world to distract her from her illness, shortens the chances of her getting better, EVER!
My exgf's mother is most likely BPD, 40 years old, and she acts like a 9 year old. The first thing she ever told me about her daugther is that she's a liar!!!



PIMP

 

[Pimp-sicle]

Originally posted by Kourt
Alright, well while I see your point guys, I cant be so cold as to let go and cut things off without having a solid reason to do so. She knows how important trust is to me, if she starts abusing it, shes gone. She knows fidelity is only second to trust, and if she cheats on me, even once, shes gone. This girl is my first love, I feel that I should at least stick it out until she gives me a reason to break up with her. Is that so unreasonable?

Until she gives you a reason????? SHE'S FUKIN' MENTALLY ILL!! I can think of a better reason than that!!! Bro, I told my ex all that same shiat your telling yours. She even lived with me for a few months and guess what? I'm still pretty sure she cheated on me. Its just what they do. One time I went snowboarding with her and her best friend. She asked me for gas money and I laughed at her. I told her I'm her bf and we pay for eachother all the time, I'm not giving you gas money to drive to the local mountains. She then tells me that her friend had already gave her $10. So when my girl was off doing her own thing, I asked her friend if she paid my ex for gas. She goes, "NO way!!" I confront my ex about it and she still denies it, until I finally tell her I asked her friend. Then she starts crying saying, "I only lied because I knew you wouldn't pay me otherwise." WTF Does that make sense to you? Yes, this is a "little" white lie, but if she's willing to lie about little stupid shiat, its one of the biggest signs that she lies about bigger things.

I can only imagine what my ex has told some of the common friends we had about me. Wouldn't be surprised to hear that I beat her, raped her and treated her like shiat.
You have NO IDEA how badly this will ruin your life. I failed all my classes for a semester, dropped out the next and I'm just going back to school to finish up my degree in the fall because of all the bullshyt this girl caused. Think about it. If you could get as many girls as you wanted, why then would you stay with a psycho?? They seek out guys like you, who will tolerate their bullshyt and make them forget about their issues.

All I have to say is, when your broken, lonely and depressed, please do come back here so we can help you make sense of it all. Because I know right now, you really don't care to hear what will happen to you down the road.


PIMP

 

[decades]

People got to learn by DOING...by making their own mistakes...its very difficult to tell someone to do something that they don't SEE feel touch taste or hear...its a blind spot. Borderlines wouldn't be the borderlines they are without the YANG to their YIN: The chumps who get sucked in. (I was sucked in by an HPD for a few years and it was hell on earth). I guess my point is that some guys have a NEED and that need is met by a damsel in distress. These two fit together like hand in glove. Why do you suppose its so impossible to extricate yourself from a hellish dysfunctional relationship? Because certain NEEDS are being met here...Dysfunction is being perpetuated. Realize that this dysfunction is also somewhat comfortable and familiar (the devil he knows).... And until people realize that the MEETING of those needs is destroying them, then they will stay. Leaving, after all, would mean facing your own PROBLEMS head on and that is too scary for many. He will stay until the pain becomes worse than the LOSS he would feel of not having her MEETING HIS OWN NEEDINESS..

regards

Mike

 

[JaguarMike]

shes psycho, its bad. I know for a fact if you did cocaine tomorrow you would love it too. Just because you love it, doesn't make it good for you.

 

[Kourt]

her borderline came out when she was 13, shes had 6 years to learn how to deal with it, and shes been in therapy for years, so shes pretty good now, i'm going to keep a keen eye on her and root out any deception I see, and I know what to look for, so if it happens i'll find out. Also, I'm a psych major, so this can also be a learning experience for me in the psychology department. I'm going to stick this out until I have a good reason to break up with her, ie she cheated on me, I find out shes been lying to me, or something that would warrent breaking up with her. She never even had to tell me she had BPD, now where would I be then? When **** hits the fan, i'll be here to tell all you guys about it, and then you call yell at me for being an idiot or whatever. So yeah, broken record, but until she gives me reason to break up with her, im gonna stick it out. I'll be fine, always have, I'll keep you guys posted.

 

[Wyldfire]

Well, Kourt...since you have the need to learn for yourself...I'm going to give you some helpful links.
I wish I could say that I think they'll save you from all the suffering that awaits you...but I know they won't. The best the resources can do is lessen the suffering a little bit.

Here is THE MOST IMPORTANT LINK...and it's for your girlfriend:

http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/

http://www.behavioraltech.com/

DBT (Dialectal Behavior Therapy) seems to help some BPD's get a bit of a grip on controlling their behavior. IF she can successfully use DBT she MIGHT have a chance at being almost normal in conjunction with therapy and medication.

http://www.bpdcentral.com/

http://www.bpdresourcecenter.org/

http://www.bpdresources.com/

http://www.mhsanctuary.com/borderline/

http://www.borderlinedisorders.com/

http://unthsc-dl.slis.ua.edu/patien...disorders/borderline-personality-disorder.htm

http://www.borderlinepersonalitytoday.com/main/resindex.htm

http://www.aamft.org/families/Consumer_Updates/Borderline.asp

http://www.borderlineresearch.org/resources/selected_references.html

http://www.laurapaxton.com/

http://www.borderlinepersonality.ca/bordernonhelpbpd.htm

Okay...this should keep you busy for awhile.

Good luck...you're going to need it.

 

[Blue Phoenix]

Hey Kourt, you're heading for a lot of pain if you stick with this girl.

I was completely drained by a Histrionic one, which is by some people, considered a weaker form of Borderline. Borderlines are much worse and you will suffer a lot more.

Thank God I got rid of the crazy one I met. It seems that your problem is a lack of other chicks. If you had options you wouldn't be risking yourself with this girl.

Some men seem to be attracted to this woman because she appears to need rescuing. But a relationship is based on who you are, not what you can do for the other person. If you're the kind of person who gets all mushy at a girl's sad story you will always find yourself in the role of the horny dwarf because no one has ever been able to fix another person's life, ever.

You should read this:
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=72531
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=73455

 

[Iamnotacrook]

Why the hell do women put up with this ****? If he's hurting you, ESPECIALLY your kids... KILL THE MOTHER****ER!

 

[Duke]

Re: Re: HELP, don't know how to treat my gf with Borderline Personality Disorder

Originally posted by Wyldfire
Wow...ironic that this is the first post I read after being gone for awhile. On top of that, I've been away in part because of a situation with my ex husband who happens to have BPD. He assaulted our 14 year old son and landed in jail. We've had court hearings, meetings and related issues out the wazoo.

I'm an expert on BPD. I was married for 10 years to someone who has it. Here's what you can expect:

Feeling like you are always walking on egg shells.

Frequent threats and some attempts at suicide.

Self-mutiliation...I bet she cuts herself, too, doesn't she?

One minute she'll love you and the next she'll hate you.

She will emotionally, verbally and possibly physically abuse you.

Lord forbid you have any children with her because she will treat them the same way.

Her moods will change more than you can keep track of.

She will alienate all of your family and friends to the point where they won't want to be around you because of her.

She won't be able to keep friends, so she will look to you as her only source of support...and you'll also be her main victim of abuse.

She is likely to develop alcohol and drug problems.

She will suck the very life right out of you.

People with BPD can't have healthy, normal relationships with people. They can improve with medication and something called dialectal therapy (sp?) IF they actually stay in treatment. Therapist find that people with BPD are the most difficult patients to deal with because of how toxic they tend to be.

If any of what I mentioned sounds familiar to you and you've already been experiencing any of it...it won't get better with time. My advice would be to end your relationship with her. A lot of people have psychological problems, and most can still have good relationships. BPD is a whole other monster entirely. Ending the relationship will be tricky, though. If that's what you do, you'll want her to end it otherwise she'll be bitter and angry with you until some other guy comes along and becomes her new victim. And no, she can't help it, but that doesn't mean that you should expose yourself to what this disease does to those close to the people who have it.

A girl I saw off and on for 2 years took some online personality disorder test one time and scored "very high" on borderline personality disorder. I didn't take it very seriously at the time. But going over that checklist of symptoms, the ones I bolded pervaded our relationship.

Some days she would be really communicative, and I would feel really great around her.

Other days, it was like I didn't exist at all and any attempt to ask what was wrong would be met with a biting remark and no real answer!!

If she ever felt that I slighted her, even in a tiny way, she would go absolutely cold. It was like she was another person totally. It really fvcked with me how she could be this great girl sometimes, but at other times just think of me as nothing. That caused a lot of emotional pain in me... I couldn't understand how this person who I thought I had so much with could take me totally for granted in a matter of seconds. It was as if she had no empathy, no HUMANNESS.

For the record, she had a terrible relationship with her parents and refused to tell me about her past, even after 2 years.

"She will suck the very life right out of you."

That's the one I noticed the most, and looking back I believe it was because of her tendency to be a cool person one moment and then in the next be ice cold and unresponsive for no apparent reason.

I even told her at times, "This relationship is sucking me dry. I like you but I have to leave for a while."

And she would get extremely bitter and take it as a personal slight. The 2 times we "separated" for a while, she cried and became really distraught.

Nowadays, we don't talk to each other anymore. I tried to be friends with her, but I never get what I give. In the relationship that we had, we both grew incredibly emotionally numb to each other to the point where we just didn't feel anything at all, not love, not sorrow, not joy, not hate. Just a cold apathy that I never wanted to happen, but that I couldn't prevent.