He was the right guy all along

[WestCoaster]

OK, a story here: I just returned from my college homecoming (small college, you knew almost everyone way back in the day), very few people I know returned, but one guy I knew and a gal he dated in college where there together on Saturday. I knew they weren't married because I'd been in brief contact with him over the years.

So he introduces me to her -- I barely knew her in college -- and he says, "Yeah, we dated in college, lost touch, and now we're seeing each other again."

She then tells me her story, got married, had a kid, divorced, moved around a bit. I didn't get the details on the ex-hubby. All I know is the original boyfriend and now current boyfriend was the right guy all along! He's a big, jolly guy, probably 6-5, 300 pounds, third-string lineman on the football team, never complained about that. Has a good word for everyone, very positive, hard worker, never unemployed, not a substance abuser, loyal as the day is long -- when his now gf was in the hospital for serious surgery in Seattle, some 300 miles away, he was driving up there to be with her.

I'm not sure why they broke up in college, but it sounded like she instigated it. Long story longer: Why can't women see a quality guy when they're right in front of their face? And yes, women are much worse offenders than men at this, IMO. Just thought it was an interesting story, probably won't have a long thread life there.

 

[joekerr31]

the problem is that women want two different things.

they want the best genes for their offspring and they want a companion in life - and these things are often mutually exclusive.

so with this guy, she was in to him but not enough to want to reproduce with him. she went off, found a guy she wanted to reproduce with, had kids, dumped him, then went back to the guy who would make a good 'life companion'.

my personal rule of thumb is that i NEVER date women with children. EVER.

you just never know whether shes with you for you or whether its cuz of the kids. which is to say, if she didn't have the kids would she give you the time of day?

i see a guys hooking up with chics with kids, and half the time i don't think the chic would give him the time of day were she single with no kids. she'd be going after the bad boy, not mr. nice guy.

 

[squirrels]

So...your friend was going with her in college, she left him for someone else who was obviously an asshat, and when she got done with him your friend was right there waiting for her?

 

[WestCoaster]

I like how the amateur psychologists (who have no background in the field) come out of the woodwork. Actually he wasn't waiting for her, he's dated a lot and had many girlfriends. He called her out of the blue. Just thought it might be an interesting story, but the constant AFC shout-out of course would happen. It's futile sometimes on this board, utterly f-cking futile.

 

[dietzcoi]

I have to agree with Squirrels, seems like your friend was just the chump she ran to when all her other options disappeared. Too bad for him....

Dietzcoi

 

[dietzcoi]

No, westcoaster, you know I agree with 99.9% of your posts but I think Squirrels is right here. Of course we don't know the whole story at all, but from what you have said, it still sounds to me like she waited until all the other lifeboats sank, then swam for his.

If I am wrong, please give us more details

Dietzcoi

 

[decades]

your friend is plan B or C or D or.....and so is the woman.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Right guy, wrong time. Who's to say she didn't see the right guy in front of her face at the time? I'm not saying your friend's an AFC, I'm saying she didn't want or need the good, stable, dependable guy in college. She wanted what most women want in their party years want - excitement. Now she's had her cake and will eat it too. He may not be an AFC as such, but in his re-acceptance of her he's essentially rewarding her past indescretions. She's only doing what a woman will do when her conditions warrant it. Divorced, single mommies, need the security, dependability, loyalty that the other guy didn't provide. It's not that she didn't see the "quality" guy, she did, and she turned him down only to get back with him when it suited her needs.

 

[Colossus]

The assumptions people make here never cease to amaze me.

If jumping to conclusions was an olympic event, Sosuave would have all the gold-medalists.

Just because they dated in college and are now back together after her divorce does not necessarily mean this guy is a chump. There are an infinite number of variables and circumstances that can bring people together.

There are so many problems, both individual and societal, that cant be objectivley discussed on this board because of the binary 'AFC or NOT AFC' mentality.

Sosuave is a great place and has honestly changed my life for the better, but it has its limitations. I can think of numerous times when i had a particular problem or issue that i needed advice on, and didnt bring to the forum because i KNEW it would be subject to the immediate "you're an AFC, man-up, Next the ho" judgements. Sometimes those are needed, but objective analysis is often thrown out the window in the name of adherence to dogma.

 

[Colossus]

West, I was going to touch on your original story, but Rollo already said it. Right guy, wrong time.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

The assumptions people make here never cease to amaze me.

If jumping to conclusions was an olympic event, Sosuave would have all the gold-medalists.

Just because they dated in college and are now back together after her divorce does not necessarily mean this guy is a chump. There are an infinite number of variables and circumstances that can bring people together.

There are so many problems, both individual and societal, that cant be objectivley discussed on this board because of the binary 'AFC or NOT AFC' mentality.

Sosuave is a great place and has honestly changed my life for the better, but it has its limitations. I can think of numerous times when i had a particular problem or issue that i needed advice on, and didnt bring to the forum because i KNEW it would be subject to the immediate "you're an AFC, man-up, Next the ho" judgements. Sometimes those are needed, but objective analysis is often thrown out the window in the name of adherence to dogma.

COLONEL COLOSSUS is correct.

Sometimes in an attempt to "bottom line" EVERYTHING, many men run the risk of sacraficing their ability to develop a slightly more mature and/or nuianced approach to understanding the human struggle ------- and all simply for EXPEDIENCY's sake.

Have a care, Soldiers...let us NOT make our adherence to our "DJ Basic Training" an excuse for denying even the POSIBILITY of the existence of exceptions to any rule.

However, having said that, we MUST remain ever VIGILANT. Sometimes, even MOST OF THE TIME, the default response IS the correct one. But only AFTER we weigh the facts of each individual scenario should we make our decision.

THIS is the way of the wise.


March on.

 

[Frank2500]

Re:

I have a personal philosophy. I will never give a chance to any woman who turned me down during my undergraduate years in college because she wanted the excitement she believed she would get from the bad boys. Never. It's a new day and the tables have turned.

 

[WestCoaster]

The assumptions people make here never cease to amaze me.

If jumping to conclusions was an olympic event, Sosuave would have all the gold-medalists.

Just because they dated in college and are now back together after her divorce does not necessarily mean this guy is a chump. There are an infinite number of variables and circumstances that can bring people together.

The only guy who got it right. Everyone else is wrong, he's not an AFC, she's not a 'ho, he'd kick everyone's a$$es from here to sunset with one hand tied behind his back if he wanted to. I thought it might make an interesting story, I should've known better. Amateur hour from the pseudo-psychologists. I'll leave it at that. I'd say 99 percent of the guys on this site -- including the Mature Man forum -- are more AFC than this guy.

 

[KontrollerX]

Fully agree with Rollo and Squirrels.

 

[KarmaSutra]

The guy is absolutely not an AFC. Not in any way. He had a relationship with a woman who determined herself she wasn't ready to settle down. She was in the throes of her 'Ho stage. ALL women go through this stage at some point in thier lives. She had options and used them. Good for her. He didn't sit in front of his laptop and shower her with emails and drudgery either. He lived his life, had new experiences with other women and it made them both better, more enlightened people for it.

If anything the guy is a stud for living the way he wanted. Once he decided he'd had enough and wanted to touch base with his school sweetheart he jumped the cliff and did it. I'll say this for the brother, he doesn't sleep at night wondering what would happen had he NOT called her.

 

[ketostix]

Westcoaster, I've seen this phenomenon more often than not. A girl when she's at her most desirable time (younger, more attractive and childless) will choose the worse guy. Then when she older, maybe has a kid and has less market value she will then "settle" for a quality guy.

My own sister is an example of this. She has been married 4 times. But when she was 19 she married the biggest losers of all of them, had her only kid with him, and stayed with him the longest. The one that was the best husband, best looking, had the most potential to be successful she screwed over the most. Her subsequent husband tended be higher quality yet she treated them worse than the first loser.

And I agree with you a lot of people on this site will say the guy's an "AFC" and then they go on to put all the blame on the man and excuse the woman basically. Ironically, it's the exact same view as the "matrix" that they rile against just in a different wrapper.

 

[WestCoaster]

I believe my friend was married once before, not sure. I'm not real tight with him. Let's face it, in your 40's people have kids, divorces, transitions. The picture perfect life as painted on here that everyone is banging a 20-year old centerfold is a myth. This gal isn't stunning and isn't a 'ho, rather shy. My take was she didn't make the right decision; the right decision was this guy all along.

They both seemed happy on Saturday, he's not AFC and she's not a 'ho. God, does EVERYONE have to be put in such small boxes here: AFC and 'Ho? I know just because most here are AFCs or RAFCs doesn't mean everyone is like that.

Newsflash: Most people on this planet don't walk down the street talking in some strange acronyms off a website or something that some guy wrote in a pickup book.

Turn off the computer and see the real world sometimes, guys.

 

[Aenigma]

I believe my friend was married once before, not sure. I'm not real tight with him. Let's face it, in your 40's people have kids, divorces, transitions. The picture perfect life as painted on here that everyone is banging a 20-year old centerfold is a myth. This gal isn't stunning and isn't a 'ho, rather shy. My take was she didn't make the right decision; the right decision was this guy all along.

They both seemed happy on Saturday, he's not AFC and she's not a 'ho. God, does EVERYONE have to be put in such small boxes here: AFC and 'Ho? I know just because most here are AFCs or RAFCs doesn't mean everyone is like that.

He'll be spending the next two decades raising a child that isn't his. All those long 8 hour days (if not more).... all for to raising the offspring of a man that his wife would rather have ****ed them him. That's not an average chump- that's a below average chump. At least most AFCs manage to sire their own offspring when they finally get married.

Newsflash: Most people on this planet don't walk down the street talking in some strange acronyms off a website or something that some guy wrote in a pickup book.

Turn off the computer and see the real world sometimes, guys.

Most people get divorced, live pay check to pay check, live beyond their means, and are in debt up to their eyeballs. If I wanted to be like "most people" then I wouldn't be here trying to improve myself. Your friend, and "most people", might be happy marrying a washed up old divorcee and raising another mans offspring- but I aim for much more for myself then the average person- both in finance and in my personal life.

 

[WestCoaster]

Once again, lack of information makes fools of us all. Why would he spend his life raising the kid when the kid is grown up and out of the house?

Who said she's a washed up divorcee? She's a nice person with a job who has class?

Jesus f'n Christ, if you're going to label all divorced people evil and washed up -- including single parents -- you have a lot of people to hate in this world, and I mean a LOT.

Get off sosuave and see the world. You are extremely narrow minded and prejudical. I hope to God you don't have a profession where you work with people.

 

[Interceptor]

I don't think the situation is that bad.
I don't feel that the guy is a chump. And honestly, no one except West has even met them in oerson., so it is a bit of a stretch to put everything in a nice, neat package for mass consumption.
Somtimes I think it's important to not see things in Black and White.

I would rather look at the positive side of things.
Perhaps it really is the right time and the right people. They have both matured, and are happy with themselves, and can be happy with each other.
I'm not jumping to conclusions and thinking that the guy in question has no other options, and is "settling". Maybe she has a lot of good qualities.
Maybe, on top of her good qualities, she realizes what a good guy he is, and will strive to be on her best behavior. Some people do change, and change their perspectives of life. Maybe now she can appreciate him that way he deserves.
I still think that it is entirely possible to find a good woman who has kids.
Is it for everyone?
Certainly not.
But labeling a guy that could very well be more satisfired than a lot of guys who are married already and have kids, and how miserable they are, maybe this guy is actually the champ here.