girlfriend talked to guy she used to hook up with

sourcy

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Ok so, both 20 years old.
This is from the start of our relationship, and I'm not sure what this means, if I should still care, or if I should give her the boot.

Anyway; meet girl, we start hooking up and start going on dates.
At this point we've been going out for about 2-3 weeks
At a college party one night, this kid out of no wheres says hi to her, asks me where I am from, tells me to go find a girl that lives where I am from... almost start a fight with him.
Next morning, ask her who he is and why is he is so jealous etc.
She says that they are just friends.
I ask if they ever hooked up - she says yes.
I ask if they did anything more than hooking up that is causing him to be jealous... she said NO...At this point I realize it is the same kid who, when me and her had been at a bus stop turns around and asked her what she was doing that night...I told her that this kid is trouble, and that she needs to get him out of her life because it is going to ruin our relationship. Asked her if they were friends on facebook, and told her that I'm not going to tell her to delete him, but that she needs to get him out of her life because it's causing problems and almost fist fights... Asked her about it the next two days, she said she hadn't. I drop it. Then two days later out of nowhere she said she did. Great...
Fast forward to when we have been dating for about 3-4 months, one night we are drunkingly talking and she says that she got fingered by this kid (this is before I knew her.)...

I told her soberly that this made me uncomfortable and that it is disrespectful to talk to someone she used to hook up with/did stuff with. She agreed, and I asked her why.. she said she didn't know except she liked the attention, but that they weren't texting

What annoyed me the most was, she would always talk about how much she DIDNT want to hook up with this kid, etc... and even when I told her that is b.s. she would get defensive, and after I learned what I did when we were both really drunk (she didn't remember telling me), I asked her again sober if she ever did more than make out, and she said No, at which point I told her what she said drunk to me. She admitted it then that they had hooked up twice, and the second time he fingered her but pressured her to touch his dic, she says she didn't. (whether I believe this or not, it doesn't really matter, that's NOT the point of the thread.)

This still bothers me to this day, even though we had only been going out for 2-3 weeks. I wonder what if I hadn't told her she needs to get this kid out of her life because of the problems it was causing? Would she still have talked to him?

/rant

inb4 OP is controlling, insecure, jealous.
Yes telling her that she needs to get him out of her life may not have been the best move, but at the time, it was better than fighting some kid.
 

LostAndConfused

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You aren't being controlling or jealous. You are being a completely rational human being in wanting this guy out of her life. He's a disrespectful guy who hooked up with her, and she shouldn't be talking to him anymore.

But your rationality completely misses its mark in the world of women. I think this guy is her "A guy". I don't know how old you are, and age does play a factor, but she probably did more than just get fingered by him. Women will downplay sex acts to not seem as promiscuous.

Also, either don't talk too much about this guy with her, or just break up with her. Every time you do you give him power.

Have yourself a read: http://rationalmale.wordpress.com/2012/02/15/the-a-guy/
 

sourcy

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The thing is, he IS out of her life. She stopped talking to him, deleted him from facebook, and there haven't been problems since. It's been 5 months since they last had contact, and we've been dating for 6. Also, she got a new phone three weeks ago, she passed out drunk one night and I looked through it. It had about ten contacts, and none of them were him all were friends names I have heard of, so it's not like she changed his name. I read her text messages, some were about me to her friend (girl) talking very positively about me/her and our relationship.

It's just that I'm still having a hard time getting over the fact that she still talked to him even when we were official (even though it was only for 2-3 weeks).
There are no other things/guys I've ever been annoyed with her talking to. Just this one guy at the start of our relationship

I don't care if she did more with this kid, that's not the point.

Long story short, I think she wanted a relationship, he just wanted to fuc her, she didn't, so she had a crush/might have liked him and still continued to talk to him on occasion because he would give her attention even though we were dating. This is bothering me, I need some feedback to get over this.


ALSO EDIT: to clarify, she even admitted that it was wrong, appologized, and said it won't happen again if someone from her past contacts her she wouldn't bother talking to them because she knows its disrespectful... This led to me asking why she did it when we first started going out, and she said it was because she liked the attention, and that she even told him she was going on a date with me at one point.
 

sighsigh

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Why is it going to 'ruin your relationship?' Because you think she may cheat with him? Or because you are scared you are going to have to fight him? I can't seem to tell, but I'll assume it's the former.

You telling her you are insecure and imposing whatever measures on her to rid your insecurity makes you look really needy. Let me say something about cheating:

If a girl wants to cheat, she is going to cheat. She is going to cheat if she has a low IL in you. So the only way to prevent her from cheating is to maintain a high IL in you. Imposing whatever method (like forbidding who she can see) that you think is going to prevent cheating is not actually going to prevent cheating. Rather, it will probably encourage cheating even further, because as I said such a method will make you look needy and that will lower her IL.

So, the best thing you could do is simply not care. That way, you don't have to say anything about it. You can not care by spinning plates, etc.

But... that's not always possible. We are all human and we all get attached and we all get insecure. So, my opinion is to only voice your insecurity and impose your measures on her ONCE (or, only infrequently). And, when you do it, make sure she understands that your feelings of insecurity aren't there because you are scared of losing her, but are there because they are instinctive and something you have no control over.
 

LostAndConfused

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If she's not talking to him anymore, why is this bothering you? I think nismo would say case closed on this one. There's not much more to get over other than that she removed an attractive a*shole from her life.
 

Orchard

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Do you keep in any contact with anyone you have hooked up with?

If yes, you need to stop an re-evaluate.

if no, then I'm going to go ahead an assume that since I don't know you or the girl in question (and you've been dating for 3-4 months now) that you have a better idea of what her motives are for remaining in contact.

State explicitly why you care, i.e: I'm jealous, I think shes cheating, he got there quicker, etc, and it would be much easier to help.


PS: don't use weasel words, "Did you hook up?" - "yes", can mean anything between she was getting anally pounded by him and his friend one night to they just made out. If someone is causing problems ask for explicit details so you can better evaluate things. Since she'll almost certainly put up resistance push it as far as you care to but don't just accept anything anyone says, ever.

EDIT: Ha, I'll never spend so much time posting ever again!

Get over yourself. She talked to a past lover while you were "official" and when you confronted her, she apologized and when you snooped on her, you ended up looking like a douche. I'd say let this go for your own sanity, if not hers too.
 

sourcy

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"State explicitly why you care, i.e: I'm jealous, I think shes cheating, he got there quicker, etc, and it would be much easier to help"

My problem is simple; though my posts are convoluted since there is so much background information, it's hard to organize.

To clarify, this is 6 month relationship as of today, this happened ABOUT 5+ months ago when we had been official for about 3-4 weeks. And yes, I am STILL PISSED/ANGRY

My problems;
1)I'm still pissed that after this kid tried to fight me she said things like "it made me feel uncomfortable when you guys were yelling at each other".
-Why I am pissed; She didn't take my side, instead was remaining neutral
2)She always tried to say she NEVER wanted to hook up with him
-Why I am pissed; if you hook up with someone twice obviously you wanted to
3)She would still talked at least ONE time to this while being held in my arms at a bus stop
-Why I am pissed; She didn't tell the kid to gtfo "I am going out tonight with my boyfriend" and the second part is when I asked who it was she said "just a friend"
4)She continuously lied about what she had done with the kid
-No explanation necessary.
5)I feel almost settled for. Since she couldn't get a relationship with this kid (he just wanted to smash and she wouldn't from what she says), she got one with me, all the while feeding into his attention at the start.
It took me hanging out with her 2 extra times to finger her, meanwhile he did it the 1st or second time they ever hung out. (I met her after him, and she says she did not hangout with or hook up with him while we were dating)


Maybe I just have a hard time letting things go?
But meh, she'll never know I snooped. I don't care. Curiosity got the best of me, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.
 

LostAndConfused

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Given the degree of which you're upset at her and this guy, it seems like this guy is pretty alpha and high value. She probably lusted for him harder, if she gave up more to him sooner too.

If you really think you can keep her interest level in you high, continue to hang out with her. Otherwise, dump her and try to start out alpha from the get-go with the next chick. The fact that she remained neutral says to me that she actually *wanted* a "lets you and him fight" deal. I'm sure he won too, even though no blows were exchanged.
 

sourcy

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LostAndConfused said:
Given the degree of which you're upset at her and this guy, it seems like this guy is pretty alpha and high value. She probably lusted for him harder, if she gave up more to him sooner too.

If you really think you can keep her interest level in you high, continue to hang out with her. Otherwise, dump her and try to start out alpha from the get-go with the next chick. The fact that she remained neutral says to me that she actually *wanted* a "lets you and him fight" deal. I'm sure he won too, even though no blows were exchanged.
I'm not upset with the guy. I've been that guy. I am upset with her being disrespectful. Dude is good looking no homo, respect to him for having the balls to talk to her in front of me while I am holding her... that is some alpha shii right there even if it was only "what are you doing tonight"...
I'm way bigger than this kid in terms of size and strength (6'1 205 vs 6'2 155-160 pounds tops) (i'm in shape/athletic/football player build) it's not even a close call. I easily have 45-50 pounds on this kid.., it would have not been a fight he would have won assuming he isn't some super crazy secret MMA fighter.

But youre hitting the nail on the head, this is one thing I haven't gotten over.

Negative to other girls, everything else is fine and nothing close to this has happened since... I'm just not able to get over it. Everyone I have asked has said that a relationship of 2-3 weeks where you have known the person for maybe a month total is not serious at all and that is why she did it...
 

Orchard

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sourcy said:
1)I'm still pissed that after this kid tried to fight me she said things like "it made me feel uncomfortable when you guys were yelling at each other".
-Why I am pissed; She didn't take my side, instead was remaining neutral
Unless he yelled at you TO FIND A GIRL FROM YOU'RE HOME TOWN! Your original story is either much weirder than I had first suspected or incomplete. But that is besides the point.

At this point she had known him longer then you, but liked you better, so indeed it's an awkward situation; therefore, if she is even remotely indecisive she'll take the cowards way out and play neutral.

Though I don't know you guys so clearly I can't and shouldn't comment (See how easy it is!).

sourcy said:
2)She always tried to say she NEVER wanted to hook up with him
-Why I am pissed; if you hook up with someone twice obviously you wanted to
So random girl you've hooked up with twice starts talking to you in front of your new girlfriend and she asks what's up do you:

a) tell her she's a girl you hooked up with twice and kinda liked a few weeks before you two met or...

b) Say she's just some random girl and you never wanted to to bang her, while conveniently leaving out that you hooked-up a few times but eventually shot her down (this one doesn't really work form the male point of view but you catch the drift, yes)

sourcy said:
3)She would still talked at least ONE time to this while being held in my arms at a bus stop
-Why I am pissed; She didn't tell the kid to gtfo "I am going out tonight with my boyfriend" and the second part is when I asked who it was she said "just a friend"
I am a firm believer that you have to cut people some slack in the very beginning of a new relationship. Yeah, people really shouldn't stay in contact with ex-lovers but some burn bridges more expeditiously than others. If someone isn't doing it fast enough confront them, and then deal with whatever the outcome is.

sourcy said:
4)She continuously lied about what she had done with the kid
-No explanation necessary.
Every girl you've banged, if they randomly talk to you and your girl is inquisitive, are you going to be honest? Really? I mean I pride myself in having nearly total honesty, but even I'm not dumb enough to answer every sexual history question truthfully.

Because often times the truth just dumps the burden of all you feeling onto another. For example if your girl told you she's banged one thousand dudes she might feel better having gotten that dirty little secret out in the open, but it obviously wasn't for your benefit.

It's human nature, we not only lie to hurt, but also to protect.

sourcy said:
5)I feel almost settled for. Since she couldn't get a relationship with this kid (he just wanted to smash and she wouldn't from what she says), she got one with me, all the while feeding into his attention at the start.
It took me hanging out with her 2 extra times to finger her, meanwhile he did it the 1st or second time they ever hung out. (I met her after him, and she says she did not hangout with or hook up with him while we were dating)
I'm glad to know this person would never go out with your girlfriend. Because clearly he wasn't hung up on her enough to nearly get into a physical altercation with her new boyfriend. I mean really this whole thing sounds like a Machiavellian plot on her part to win over his affections by pitting you(clearly the loser in this case) against him (obviously some kind of Aryan super-human).

I mean really, if she wanted him it sounds like she could have had him... Yet, who is it she's with right now?

Oh yeah, you.

sourcy said:
But meh, she'll never know I snooped. I don't care. Curiosity got the best of me, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.
Oh, I snoop all the time, so no judgments here. It's just usually when I actually bring up my snooping is because I've found something inciting, but that's just me. The mundane is just so... well mundane.
 

tomato

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sourcy said:
The thing is, he IS out of her life. She stopped talking to him, deleted him from facebook, and there haven't been problems since. It's been 5 months since they last had contact, and we've been dating for 6. Also, she got a new phone three weeks ago, she passed out drunk one night and I looked through it. It had about ten contacts, and none of them were him all were friends names I have heard of, so it's not like she changed his name. I read her text messages, some were about me to her friend (girl) talking very positively about me/her and our relationship.

It's just that I'm still having a hard time getting over the fact that she still talked to him even when we were official (even though it was only for 2-3 weeks).
There are no other things/guys I've ever been annoyed with her talking to. Just this one guy at the start of our relationship

I don't care if she did more with this kid, that's not the point.

Long story short, I think she wanted a relationship, he just wanted to fuc her, she didn't, so she had a crush/might have liked him and still continued to talk to him on occasion because he would give her attention even though we were dating. This is bothering me, I need some feedback to get over this.


ALSO EDIT: to clarify, she even admitted that it was wrong, appologized, and said it won't happen again if someone from her past contacts her she wouldn't bother talking to them because she knows its disrespectful... This led to me asking why she did it when we first started going out, and she said it was because she liked the attention, and that she even told him she was going on a date with me at one point.
you need to know its just a simple **** test - never call her out on it - just make sure she notices you have some female friends aswell if she has male ones and she will soon have a problem with that and BAM when she hangs out with one you can you HER words against her - thats the way to call her out - it makes her the jealous one. (BTW I totally agree its not cool what she did and its a shame you need to do this but thats just how it is)
 

PrettyBoyAJ

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This kid is a scrub. Quit talking about him. and no he did not just finger her. He f*cked her brains out. It is very disrespectful to be talking to an ex period. Leave it at that. If she keeps talking to him then you need to charge her.

Every girl (90%) goes through a period of her life where she is a wh0re. It's part of life. Don't get jealous of the past. I know this is your first girlfriend but you gotta take control of your emotions.
 

SoSuave666

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I'll take a semi-different approach than most. First, I think it is natural for women to keep orbiters around them for emotional needs. If nothing else, they know it will make their man jealous. The real problem I see here is YOU. You are letting this get into your head way too much. Do you want her to stop talking to every single guy who she has hooked up with in the past? That's never going to happen, so give up on that right now. She apologized for talking to this guy (something I'm not even sure she should have done) so just leave it be. The more you talk about it a bring it up, the larger the problem is going to get. This other kid is no longer causing the riff in your relationship, you are.

Now about her not telling you that she actually hooked up with him in the past..this seems to be the bigger problem. Since it was so early in your relationship when it happened, I can *kind of* understand why she wouldn't tell you. Women don't want people thinking they are sluts, especially not the person she is currently seeing. She obviously doesn't care about him anymore, so I wouldn't be too worried. The truth came out, as it always does, and she should be more open to telling you her past if it's really something you want to concern yourself with. Personally, I would never care about a girls past as long as when she is with me, she is mine.
 

sourcy

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Orchard said:
Unless he yelled at you TO FIND A GIRL FROM YOU'RE HOME TOWN! Your original story is either much weirder than I had first suspected or incomplete. But that is besides the point.

At this point she had known him longer then you, but liked you better, so indeed it's an awkward situation; therefore, if she is even remotely indecisive she'll take the cowards way out and play neutral.

Though I don't know you guys so clearly I can't and shouldn't comment (See how easy it is!).
She is indecisive. Check.

b) Say she's just some random girl and you never wanted to to bang her, while conveniently leaving out that you hooked-up a few times but eventually shot her down (this one doesn't really work form the male point of view but you catch the drift, yes)
I catch your drift.

I am a firm believer that you have to cut people some slack in the very beginning of a new relationship. Yeah, people really shouldn't stay in contact with ex-lovers but some burn bridges more expeditiously than others. If someone isn't doing it fast enough confront them, and then deal with whatever the outcome is.
I made it a point when I was getting hit up by a FWB to tell her about it to see what she wold say (this is before anything happened and we were even official). I told her I blocked the girls number and she said "good"... slightly hypocratic. idk you tell me. Whatever, point taken.

Every girl you've banged, if they randomly talk to you and your girl is inquisitive, are you going to be honest? Really? I mean I pride myself in having nearly total honesty, but even I'm not dumb enough to answer every sexual history question truthfully.
I wouldn't lie. Dont ask if you dont want to know the answer.

I'm glad to know this person would never go out with your girlfriend. Because clearly he wasn't hung up on her enough to nearly get into a physical altercation with her new boyfriend.
He probably never would go out with her but was pissed he didnt get to smash/she touch his penis, and jealous of me.


You are probably the most helpful person on any message board I've ever encountered when it comes to relationships. You just made me feel a lot more secure in my relationship, and as a person in general.
I had never really been insecure before, prior to this incident. It's the only thing that was making me insecure about my relationship even though it happened many months ago.

I have posted this before elsewhere, and gotten break up with her responses.

Thank you so much, I was being an idiot, and you saved me a lot by breaking it down instead of me being dumb and bringing it up AGAIN!

And p.s.

Saw on her facebook him post this the day before i met her;
him: hey you
her: yes me. problem?
him: text me

From this I can gather that she really didn't like/interested in the kid.
 

danthemann

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ive been through this. i didnt read everything, dont have the time to but if shes rekindling with old hookup buddies you need to either get out or reestablish your seriousness in her. keep hooking up with her and get out emotionally while you can or move on. trust me. otherwise your gunna deal with a lot of unecessary bull**** trying to keep her in check. No girl is worth that type of effort, because if she actually cared about you shed already be on her best behavior. my advice, if you like her, keep hooking up, keeping doing you, and maybe she'll pan out to like you more to respect you enough to be completely exclusive. otherwise, ****s gunna suck, i know, ive been there, am there, and ive been through too much now to back out and it suck bro. really.
 

SgtSplacker

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Dude if your 20 and this guy is close to your age then i'm sorry but you really don't have anything to worry about. Prolly some kid supported by his parents just like you lol. Even if the guy does train, he's no MMA master at 20 that's for sure. Next time you see him, ask him to talk to you outside and let him know that's your lady in a calm respectful manner. Anything except "OK man cool" and you know what to do. Case closed.
 

sourcy

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SgtSplacker said:
Dude if your 20 and this guy is close to your age then i'm sorry but you really don't have anything to worry about. Prolly some kid supported by his parents just like you lol. Even if the guy does train, he's no MMA master at 20 that's for sure. Next time you see him, ask him to talk to you outside and let him know that's your lady in a calm respectful manner. Anything except "OK man cool" and you know what to do. Case closed.
I'm not even going to bother with this kid unless he continues to disrespect. The first time his friend pulled him away because he was smart enough to realize this kid was going to get his shii smashed in.

Next time he is disrespectful, it's cased closed for him. I don't think he will and hasn't since that last time. (as far as I know)
 

Johnnyventana

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she would always talk about how much she DIDNT want to hook up with this kid
This is all you need to know. Why on Earth would that be something she always talks about? Who always talks about someone they don't want to F? Always talks about?

You have a problem with this one.
 
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