Girlfriend still talks with ex who has strong feelings for her:

[Rescue Mission]

its better to not commit to ANYONE than it is to commit to someone who isn't going to make you happy............DUHHHHH!

 

[katzorange]

No woman is perfect, every woman has her own set of issues / downfalls / etc.. so if you're looking for someone that is PERFECT then you will never be happy in a relationship in the long run, because there will always be SOMETHING that you're not happy with. You're setting yourself up for an inevitable break up / divorce. (I could be wrong, thats just the way I see it)



Lets agree to disagree on this point, then. Maybe your way works for you, and maybe my way will work for me (or maybe it wont, time will tell)



No, I am not sure, but I'm not going to let that stop me from giving it my all, dealing with every situation in the best way I can, and do my best to make it work.

UPDATE:

Just had a nice heart to heart with her, discussed her past, my past, everything.. and her ex of course... and as from right now she has cut contact with him, completely. She said he would be hurt a lot by it, but she agree's that it is healthier for everyone and the right thing to do.

At the very least, this thread gave me the confidence to speak and confront her about this and know that I am in the right here (and not being insecure), so once again, thank you to all for the opinions and perspectives. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I feel much better about things now.

I'll post an update soon about progression

LOL can u give me an update for when the girl dumps ur AFC ass to the curb? I'll have my popcorn on the ready.

hahaha heart to heart... LOLLLLL

 

[Brighty]

LOL can u give me an update for when the girl dumps ur AFC ass to the curb? I'll have my popcorn on the ready.

hahaha heart to heart... LOLLLLL

Seriously? I may not have agreed with the OP's course of action throughout this thread but there is nothing wrong with having a heart to heart with your girlfriend when the situation demands it. If there are any complications in their relationship, it won't be because he respected her, sat her down, and told her how he felt and about his feelings like a man.

"Talking about your feelings with a girl youre intimate with omg lol what an idiot. total afc"

Please. You sound like a complete tool.

 

[pipe007]

any chump that uses the words heart to heart about his woman... deserves to be cheated on and dumped for being an AFC

this thread makes me puke
ill be here when you write back saying she dumped you

 

[Rescue Mission]

I'm not surprised that yet another pvssy completely ignores my advice.......this is the ESSENCE of this entire forum.

 

[Ease]

A bad ending relationship was the reason i found this forum too. There was a part of me that thought like this once.

I made the mistakes because i didnt know better. My friends tried to hint in the direction, but i didnt even pay attention. It wasn't untill afterwards that i started to understand how to act and think like a man.

The reason everyone is dying to help you is because we have all been here. It hurts like a ***** when she dumps you, come back when you're ready to listen.

And go kill yourself if you ever have another 'heart to heart' with her.

 

[eaglez1177]

Rescue Mission hit the nail right on the head.

To the OP: As soon as I read the title of this thread, I KNEW this relationship would eventually be doomed. Maybe not now, but I would bet my life on it that this relationship will eventually not work out/you will eventually feel insecure all over again.

You think you have fixed things, but all you've done is just telegraphed your insecurity and weakness to your gf. Yea sure, maybe she'll cut contact with the ex, but so what!! You know why? Because soon enough SHE WILL FIND ANOTHER GUY TO GET ATTENTION FROM. AND THIS GUY WILL BE MUCH CLOSER TO HOME.

Whatever tho. Your probably not even going to read any of this cuz you think everything is all perfect and back to normal. I guess we'll all see you again when your back here with your heart torn in two after getting cheated on.

EDIT: and a "heart-to-heart" conversation? Wow. You've got to be kidding me...

 

[jonwon]

H&H

"She doesn't talk to him on the phone at all, just over IM, 'once every few nights according to her'".

Well I guess that makes it 'ok' then.:crazy:

This girl is seriously taking the piss.

Remember that whilst your speaking of heart to heart talks, pouring out how much she is different from all the rest and writing in such a way, the authors of Mills and Boons would have enough material to use for the next 10 books.

The bitc* isn't even talking to the Ex once in a Blue moon, you know on the odd occassion to fluff, nope she is doing it every few days.

Sorry she sounds like a keeper.:crackup:

Edit - I know 100% definate she wont give up talking to the EX for you, instead what you will get is her rationilizing why she can and why your being unreasonable - I know this 100% - Dont believe me, confront her and be ready when she tells you its all innocent and your being silly, the more you push the more resistance you will face.

Your not that important to this girl, whilst your pouring out your menstral heart felt Bull0Cr** this girl is talking to the EX, a guy who had penetrated her with his man meat, filled her womb with his man juice, a guy she probably deep throated with pleasure, a guy who is very much still on the scene. He probably fuc*ed her up the peep-hole too.

Your a chump, a lost cause.

I feel sorry for you.

Cue, your next post where you make excuses for her.

I'm cheering you on buddy, cant wait for you to score an own-goal :cheer:

You came to this community to be a DJ, so become or keep making excuses for skanks and there skank ways.

 

[jophil28]

Just had a nice heart to heart with her, discussed her past, my past, everything.. and her ex of course... and as from right now she has cut contact with him, completely. She said he would be hurt a lot by it, but she agree's that it is healthier for everyone and the right thing to do.

I hope that your faith and confidence in her 'character' is justified.
Just to play devil's advocate - what would you do if you found out that she has continued to talk to him in secret?

Make a plan to deal with that possibility. Remember that she has ONLY agreed to cut him off because you insisted. She did it against her own wishes..it was NOT her idea, it was your's.

 

[jophil28]

Just had a nice heart to heart with her, discussed her past, my past, everything.. and her ex of course... and as from right now she has cut contact with him, completely. She said he would be hurt a lot by it, but she agree's that it is healthier for everyone and the right thing to do.

I hope that your faith and confidence in her 'character' is justified.
Just to play devil's advocate - what would you do if you found out that she has continued to talk to him in secret?

Make a plan to deal with that possibility. Remember that she has ONLY agreed to cut him off because you insisted. She did it against her own wishes..it was NOT her idea, it was your's.

 

[JdelaSilviera]

Lol, "spin plates" "replace her" "you cannot be in love otherwise you are an AFC".

OMG, these guys are disturbing.... but hey that´s what happens when you are a nerd, who had only met a dozen of slutty girls in the club with your robotic game.

 

[Heaven or Hell]

@ jophil28:

Thank you for the constructive advise.

what would you do if you found out that she has continued to talk to him in secret?

Though I highly doubt that she is the type to do that, but if she did, then I would tell her that one of the things that I am not willing to negotiate or tolerate in a relationship is dishonesty. Once trust is broken, especially about something like this, then that is when the relationship is, in my eyes, over.

I always tell her that if she feels or thinks something, isn't happy about anything, or anything along those lines, that I need her to communicate that to me, and that together we can get through anything in a constructive and progressive way. She knows fully well that I expect her to be open and honest with me about everything, and thus far her actions and words reflect that mentality and mindset.

Remember that she has ONLY agreed to cut him off because you insisted. She did it against her own wishes..it was NOT her idea, it was your's.

I have pretty much said these exact words to her, asking her how come she didin't see the logic before I had to bring it up, and her answer was that:

1) She didin't wanna hurt him

2) She hoped that he would inevitably get over her, due to the fact that if they see each other again, it will only be in 5years +, and that by then he would probably have found another woman, and that if she is still with me in 5 years then the connection/relationship we have will be stronger than anything he could ever wish for.

3) The fact that him and his family did so much for her in the past she felt in debt/sympathetic so she was too "nice" and felt too bad to hurt him by cutting contact with him against his wishes.

That said, I agree with you, and still think that even knowing the above, she should have come to the conclusion that cutting contact was the right thing to do, without my influence. For the record, I didn't force her to do anything, I even gave her the option of still keeping in contact with him if she was only going to cut contact with him for me (the wrong reasons), yet she still insisted on sticking to her decision of cutting contact because she said that she felt like it was really the right thing to do.

In her mind, she was being nice by not cutting contact, but she didn't realize that she was doing him more damage, and not allowing him to fully get over her by keeping in contact with him, and I think that when I brought this up to her she realized and looked at it from a new perspective, which is why she is adamant to cut contact with him now, even if she knows that she can still keep in contact with him if she wants to. (I gave her the feeling of having the choice, but if she made the wrong one then I would have been blunt and put my foot down telling her that I only gave her the option to see if she would really do the right thing, even knowing that she still had the option.)

@ JdelaSilviera:

Lol, "spin plates" "replace her" "you cannot be in love otherwise you are an AFC".

OMG, these guys are disturbing.... but hey that´s what happens when you are a nerd, who had only met a dozen of slutty girls in the club with your robotic game.

My sentiments exactly. Some of the replies I have gotten here reflect the type of guys that you just described. Which is why i have chosen not to waste my time replying to them and their narrow minded "robot-like" mindsets and perceptions/perspectives.

Thankfully, as with women, there are always going to be the "diamonds" amongst the worthless stones and rubble, so to all of those who have given constructive advise, and been able to keep a mature and rational mindset, thank you.

As for an update regarding me and my gf, things are great. Besides for this little issue that we are now on the same page about and is resolved as far as I am concerned, everything else is amazing. She's been at me since last night and staying at me until the end of the weekend, she's actually out shopping with my mother as I write this, we're making dinner together on Wednesday night so my mom is just helping her get all the right stuff and doing their girly thing, should be fun making food together :rock: (I learned how to cook last year when I went for a 3 month course, and she has also taken a similar cooking course in the past, though she prefers making pastries, while I like my meat :rockon: )

 

[Kailex]

This is my last interjection in this thread or future threads about this matter, and I'll explain why at the end.

I have pretty much said these exact words to her, asking her how come she didin't see the logic before I had to bring it up, and her answer was that:

Here's the first problem, you want an emotional creature to see the LOGIC in something. Women can't do that. I'm not saying this to put down your "one true love" but for you to open your eyes to this fact.

You will almost never ever be able to deal with her on a Logic-to-Logic level.

1) She didin't wanna hurt him

She didn't want to hurt him, but she (even if for a while) put that over the fact that she was in a relationship. Remember that.

2) She hoped that he would inevitably get over her, due to the fact that if they see each other again, it will only be in 5years +, and that by then he would probably have found another woman, and that if she is still with me in 5 years then the connection/relationship we have will be stronger than anything he could ever wish for.

Again, lack of logic. She hoped he would get over her by still talking to him? And why should they even be seeing each other if you are with her? There's an emotional past tied to him and they didn't end on the best of terms. So you're asking her to stop talking to him for now, but she can see him just fine in 5 years? And how can you guarantee that the bond will be that much stronger?

Of course, every relationship has uncertainties, you have to understand the grounds upon which you are walking on. If she still feels ANYTHING for him, she will STILL feel something for him in 5 years, no matter HOW strong your bond with her is.

3) The fact that him and his family did so much for her in the past she felt in debt/sympathetic so she was too "nice" and felt too bad to hurt him by cutting contact with him against his wishes.

My point above... proven as so.

(I gave her the feeling of having the choice, but if she made the wrong one then I would have been blunt and put my foot down telling her that I only gave her the option to see if she would really do the right thing, even knowing that she still had the option.)

This is what worries me... you gave her the illusion of an option, when in reality, she had none. You are trying to cut the games, but in doing so, you are doing just that... playing mental chess.

Don't expect certain things from her only to do them yourself.

As for an update regarding me and my gf, things are great. Besides for this little issue that we are now on the same page about and is resolved as far as I am concerned, everything else is amazing. She's been at me since last night and staying at me until the end of the weekend, she's actually out shopping with my mother as I write this, we're making dinner together on Wednesday night so my mom is just helping her get all the right stuff and doing their girly thing, should be fun making food together :rock: (I learned how to cook last year when I went for a 3 month course, and she has also taken a similar cooking course in the past, though she prefers making pastries, while I like my meat :rockon: )

And this is why I am saying that this is my last interjection in this thread.
First of, I will echo Jophil's sentiment. If she had such a tough time cutting contact with this guy, FULLY expect for her to do it again. Right now, she might be doing it because of the "logic" but in due time, the desire to talk to him again might creep up. Be ready.

Though, THIS needs to stop:

Though I highly doubt that she is the type to do that

I've seen you say this a myriad of times. I'm sorry, but you just don't know her well enough yet to know what type of person she might end up to be. Read these forums and you'll find a plethora of cases where they thought she was "the one" and that she was "perfect for me" only to have the revelation later on... that she was FAR from it.

With that said, I don't want to add to the overall pessimism being presented in this and the other thread. The only reason why many of us are coming down so hard on you is because many of us HAVE seen the patterns. Many of us have gone through the same nooks and crannies of a relationship that you are now experiencing. We're not trying to shake the foundation from underneath your feet just for fun's sake. We are trying to make you AWARE of what could be certain types of realities. The minute you completely remove your guard is the minute that you become destroyed.

I've seen it one too many times, both on this forum and off of it.

Believe me when I say that I sincerely hope you two the best. It seems in that last paragraph that all is well and that you two have it figured out, which at this point means that any further advice is potentially useless from here on it.

Good luck, HorH.

 

[bukowski_merit]

Heaven or Hell - Why must you follow your heart (and ****) instead of the good advice that some people have given you here???

You have messed up majorly and because things "appear" at the moment to be fine - you're just whistling away with a big grin on your face (as if to say: I did what i wanted and it worked).

The problem is that you've fvcked yourself and you don't even care. As long as the NOW is fine - you're fine. You DO NOT care about the big picture.

Let's take a look at what you've done:
- You've shown jealousy.
- You've shown insecurity.
- You've approached this whole thing in a FEMININE way.
- While at the same time - you've ignored her femininity; putting your own before hers. (aka: you chose to talk to her like she was a man instead of a woman. you took on the womanly role of "concerned".)
- You have now placed yourself in a position where she will question telling you certain things. And guess who she'll blame if you find out??? YOU! ("i didn't tell you because of how you reacted back when....") You've went from esoteric to overt.
- You've put your trust into a logical conversation with her, and in the process lost a lot of her lust (which may not be apparent yet, but as she tests you more - she will see what kind of "man" she is with.)

---

Though I highly doubt that she is the type to do that, but if she did, then I would tell her that one of the things that I am not willing to negotiate or tolerate in a relationship is dishonesty. Once trust is broken, especially about something like this, then that is when the relationship is, in my eyes, over.

This is the right choice when she breaches your trust again. Hopefully you have the balls to break it off with her the minute you catch her. And don't end up being one of those "loving" boyfriends who tries to sit her down and lecture her on how she should act.... The minute she fvcks you over - LEAVE HER! You say it here.... so i hope you do it.

I always tell her that if she feels or thinks something, isn't happy about anything, or anything along those lines, that I need her to communicate that to me, and that together we can get through anything in a constructive and progressive way.

Unless she is a very masculine (logical) woman - you can count on this NOT happening when it comes to real issues.

The problem with this is - she will bring issues to you that should be treated as laughable sh!t tests.... And you being the man who believes relationships should be dealt with in a democratic way will buy into her BS!

HoH's woman: "Oh HoH - I don't feel like you love me enough"
HoH: "Why would you think something like that? Come here, let's talk about this."

If you leave an open door to be her shrink/girl friend whenever she has an issue - don't be surprised when she uses it to see if you are a man.

1) She didin't wanna hurt him

Manipulation. She knows you can't argue with her about that. If she said "i just wanted to svck his d!ck one last time" - you would have been able to.

2) She hoped that he would inevitably get over her, due to the fact that if they see each other again, it will only be in 5years +, and that by then he would probably have found another woman, and that if she is still with me in 5 years then the connection/relationship we have will be stronger than anything he could ever wish for.

Oh wow! This woman is good at this. She's putting their relationship down, while at the same time bringing yours up. Again, how could you argue with this? This woman is better at this than you.... And you expect that she won't take full advantage of your open soul? Please be weary man. If you're not going to listen to us, at least consider it in the back of your head the next time stuff like this comes up.

3) The fact that him and his family did so much for her in the past she felt in debt/sympathetic so she was too "nice" and felt too bad to hurt him by cutting contact with him against his wishes.

do you see why logical conversations like this get you no where? all she's doing is feeding you "facts" here..... which have little to do with why a woman agrees to meet a man who's fvcking her.

Do you know what plausible deniability is? it's when a person does something for a "shell" reason, with the idea (in the back of their head) that something else could happen instead.

When picking up women - an example of this would be asking a girl to come back to your place to see some "cool" thing you have. You've given her a reason to go back to your place so she can tell herself that she's not going back there for $ex. So she goes back to see the "cool" thing, and you end up having $ex. But in her mind - she wasn't being a s!ut because the $ex just happened.... I know.... this is basic pick-up stuff, that even a true beginning should know....

BUT...

I'm telling you this - because all of her answers to you REAK of plausible deniability.... These are the same things she was telling herself to convince herself it was ok to see this guy.... That way - if she ended up with his d!ck in her mouth - she wouldn't have felt as bad because "i didn't go there to do that; it just happened".

You're buying her "shell" reasons.... Which is exactly why conversations like the ones you've had with her are POINTLESS.

For the record, I didn't force her to do anything, I even gave her the option of still keeping in contact with him if she was only going to cut contact with him for me (the wrong reasons), yet she still insisted on sticking to her decision of cutting contact because she said that she felt like it was really the right thing to do.

Your actions in this whole thing are not congruent with a man who accepts a woman doing such a thing as choosing to keep the contact. There's no way she believed you were ok with that. Especially since it's clear that you aren't.

You're being too democratic man. Unless she's a really masculine woman - it's very dangerous to play politics with women.

In her mind, she was being nice by not cutting contact, but she didn't realize that she was doing him more damage, and not allowing him to fully get over her by keeping in contact with him, and I think that when I brought this up to her she realized and looked at it from a new perspective, which is why she is adamant to cut contact with him now, even if she knows that she can still keep in contact with him if she wants to.

I'm sorry, but she has successfully put you to compete with him over her. You can logically convince her and yourself of a million different things. That's not going to change how she "feels". She likes this very much.

This whole ordeal is going to be become a problem. I'm not speculating it; im guaranteeing it!

Here's the next turn so you're ready for it: You're going to catch her, or she's going to admit to still keeping contact.... BUT she's going to blame it on him ("he won't seem to leave me alone no matter what i do"). She may even come to you for advice on how to get rid of him.... But she's not going to follow whatever direction you set her in - she's going to continue to play the "caring" victim in all this.

This will happen by the end of the summer. Bank on it.

(I gave her the feeling of having the choice, but if she made the wrong one then I would have been blunt and put my foot down telling her that I only gave her the option to see if she would really do the right thing, even knowing that she still had the option.)

You think she believed that crap? The attitude of "you can keep talking to him if you want" is IN CONGRUENT AS FVCK with the way you've been acting. She's obviously good at this game, so she knows that....

Thankfully, as with women, there are always going to be the "diamonds" amongst the worthless stones and rubble, so to all of those who have given constructive advise, and been able to keep a mature and rational mindset, thank you.

I believe you're just considering things to be "rational" if you agree with them. That's very dangerous thinking.....

But besides that, im not sure what your point of posting this whole thing is if you're just going to do what you want anyway? You just felt like venting or something? Or you felt like getting your emotions out?


The final thing i want to say is - you calling this girl a "diamond" is a problem in itself (especially when calling other women worthless stones). It shows scarcity mentality, and one-itis is a guarantee if you really feel that way about this woman and she ends up fvcking you over. I sincerely hope that you guard yourself better. If nothing else gets through to you - PLEASE just open your awareness and don't buy into this woman's FRAMES! I hope you haven't given up your life outside of her. I hope you have friends that you DO NOT hang out with her with. I hope you don't spend all your time with her. - - - Not for any d@mn attraction reasons.... But for your own sanity if something does go bad. Many men stay in bad situations once they become rotten because they do not properly protect themselves from giving their soul to a woman for her to do as she wishes with.

 

[eaglez1177]

Great response bukowski

+1

Now the hardest part is getting the OP to actually read that and listen

 

[Ease]

@ JdelaSilviera:

My sentiments exactly. Some of the replies I have gotten here reflect the type of guys that you just described. Which is why i have chosen not to waste my time replying to them and their narrow minded "robot-like" mindsets and perceptions/perspectives.

You have agreed with the biggest fruitcake here. What the **** were you thinking, that guy's opinions are a joke.

This is getting hilarious, some guys really are beyond reality. I hope it works out well for you buddy. Captain save-a-hoe and his diamond in the rough lol.

Remember to communicate your feelings to her when you start to feel like she is becoming distant in a few weeks.

 

[backbreaker]

I am a recovering addict of almost half a decade. while I don't go to AA anymore, not my thing, while i was there you don't know how many times i've been called.. let me see. a square, a colt member, idiot, stupid, religious nut (i'm an athiest, probably the strongest one here lol) every name in the book by guys who "got it" that were new to the program.

at the end fo the day, i dont' have to answer to anyone. i'm not the one with a judge down my throat, or about to have my kids about to be taken away from me. if you dont' want to listen to what we have or had to say, that's not my fault.

8 out of 10 times, that person would be back in a few months, just a tad bit more humbler.

I use alot of AA references because aa and dj have alot in common. The big book says "We looked for an easier, softer way, but found that there was none." on page 34 of how it works. You see that everyday here.

This guy has not hit his emotional bottom with women. To be perfectly honest, alot of YOU ugys have probably not hit that bottom yet to where you are willing to shut up and listen to some guys that have been there, done that, and have come back to make sure you dont' have to do it again. You guys are wasting your time. Everyone here, me, you, the OP is going to try to find an easier and softer way, , taking what they think they need and leaving the rest, taking what is convenient to take and leaving what is hard or what might hurt a little, until they get hurt THAT bad by a woman until they leave their ego on the home page before coming here. it took me a few times coming back to get it.

it took my old oneitis calling me while she was getting tagged (while she was supposed to be going out with me, on my birthday mind you), screaming "you wish this were you don't you" for me to hit my emotional bottom with women. up until then, I took what i needed, and left the rest.

maybe you really are good with women and just needed some advise. if so i hope you find the advise you seek and have a blissful time with this young lady. If she is what you thinks he is she will be a good one.

All i can say OP is I hope you are right but if you are wrong do not be ashamed to come back.

 

[jophil28]

@ jophil28:

Thank you for the constructive advise.



Though I highly doubt that she is the type to do that ( continue to IM him), but if she did, then I would tell her that one of the things that I am not willing to negotiate or tolerate in a relationship is dishonesty. Once trust is broken, especially about something like this, then that is when the relationship is, in my eyes, over.

I am sure that you know her (or you think that you do).

Back in 2007 I was in frequent phone and email contact with FOUR of my ex G/fs who all had new boyfriends . They all insisted that their ongoing connections with me were to be kept a secret from the B/fs.

 

[1337]

Dude you've settled things with her I don't see why your still here on the forum trying to justify your actions and defend the gf. Were humans, humans learn from their mistakes. A true man isn't afraid to take risks and make mistakes then pick himself up from it. Don't be that guy afraid to make mistakes or is paranoid of what she might do, you made your move and stick with it you obviously know her better than we do it's your life not ours.

Take any advice given here with a grain of salt. What's done is done, if she slips up,simple just move on and learn from this.

 

[PokerStar]

it took my old oneitis calling me while she was getting tagged (while she was supposed to be going out with me, on my birthday mind you), screaming "you wish this were you don't you" for me to hit my emotional bottom with women.

now this makes me very very angry
man
i just feel like punching something now.