Thanks for the replies
5string:
Is it direspectful for her to keep in contact with him you ask? Absolutely! I don't talk to my ex. My wife doesnt talk to hers either. Turn the tables. If it was you who were talking to an ex while in a relationship, would you not simply know that you should not be doing it out of respect for your girl? I bet you would not have to be told, would you? I'm not jumping your sh!t here. Just giving you something to think about. I just see a red flag, that's all. This contact thing with an ex is not good IMO. It can lead to cheating. That's when you'll get hurt, and hurt bad. Been there.
I think that what makes this situation "unique" is the circumstances. If he was also in the states now then I would definitely have a problem with them talking to be honest. But given that they will only
maybe see each other again in 5 years from now, and the fact that if I am still with her in 5 years then we'll probably have a much stronger connection/bond than he would ever have with her, then it kinda makes me worry about it a lot less.
That said, I totally agree about the
temptation factor here.....
What really got me about your thread is the title. "Girl still talks to ex WHO HAS STRONG FEELINGS FOR HER". What concerns me is the feelings he still has for her. You trust yer girl, but don't you think he'd escalate things if given the chance? Might she give in at some point? Never say never. She's still in contact with him by her own design. Remember what I suggested. Listen to that little guy sitting on your shoulder (your gut). He's the only one you can trust completely. Not to say yours is, but women can be sneaky little critters at the very times when you least expect it. Sometimes downright evil. Be very wary here. There is a rat in the woodpile (the ex).
The reason she is still in contact with him is as follows:
Once they broke up they did not talk for a few months, but then he contacted her and told her that even though it hurt him to speak to her (because of the fact that he still has strong feelings for her), that he would prefer to deal with the pain and still be able to be able to talk to her because she is still special to him etc. And her being her(she really does have a big heart and would feel terrible at the thought of causing anyone any pain, its just the type of girl she is) she told him that she doesn't mind keeping in contact with him, but that it would have to be strictly as friends.
I was speaking to her about it just before I came back to post this, and she told me that he even asked about personal things between me and her, and she shot him down promptly, telling him, in a polite way, that its really none of his concern and that he cannot ask her things like that if he still wants to be in contact with her.
So she really does seem like she is still in contact with him more out of sympathy and feeling bad to cut him out/refuse to talk to him, as apposed to still having feelings for him.
But, your point still stands, and is a very valid one, and that is that he will most probably jump at any opportunity to escalate things between them, and when we inevitably argue in the future, or fight, then he will try and take advantage of her somewhat vulnerable state of mind and thats when
temptation may prove to be a very real problem.
On that note though, lets say that hypothetically me and her have a fight, and he takes advantage of that and takes advantage of her state of mind... then what? What can he possibly do or say to her that will prove to be a threat to me? If I concentrate on the argument/fight at hand, and deal with it in the best and loving way possible, then we will overcome whatever it is that caused us to argue/fight, and we will move on, perhaps even stronger than before.
On the pessimistic side of things, she could think to herself "maybe I would be happier with (ex's name), and continuously consciously or subconsciously, keep on comparing me to him and deliberating in her head who she thinks she would be ultimately be happier with. So yes, these seeds of doubt and temptation are most certainly not positive things, and my first instinct would be to try and keep those factors as far away as possible.. But on the flip side, I also have faith in myself that I am the best boyfriend that she could ever ask for and am confident that I have more to offer her than any other guy has, and knowing that, I can actually use these "negative" factors to my own benefit, always keeping myself on the ball and making sure that I don't slack.. so I can use him indirectly to motivate me even more to do what I do, and do it well, not taking her and what we share for granted.
To be honest, if I can let some guy a million miles away win her over from me, then I don't deserve her or any other woman. But that's not the case, I'm really confident in myself and I know that I have a lot to offer and that she is with me today, she loves me today, and spends her time with me today, she goes out of her way for me today, she's sleeping in my bed today, she's choosing to share and experience today, with me.. not him, or anyone else.. so if I can let anyone else "win" her over from me, then obviously I'm not right for her.. but so far so good.
I know that I am only looking at the positive side of things, and that realistically it wold still be preferable for her to cut contact with her ex, which is why I will be cautious regarding that.
I am yet to talk about it with her in a little more detail, I still want to ask her what exactly they talk about and if he does ever try and escalate things from just a "friendly conversation", and if he does then I will take things further and probably ask her to cut contact with him. All it takes is me saying the word and she will do it. And if I do get to the point where I ask her to cut contact, and she hypothetically lies to me and still talks to him, then its just a matter of time until I find out.. but unless I have learnt nothing in my past experiences with women/people, and my judgement of character is totally off the map, then I know that she is not the type that would lie, let alone about something like this. Like i mentioned before, in the over 3 years that I know this woman, I have never caught her out on a lie or seen her lie to anyone, and thus far has given me absolutely no reason to suspect that she has a untruthful bone in her body.
To conclude, I am aware of the potential threat that her ex serves as regarding our relationship, but unless things do escalate I don't think that I am going to make a big deal of it.. and rather concentrate on what I do have 100% control of and making this experience together as enjoyable and memorable as possible.
Thank you once again
5string, you really help me to put things into perspective and consider things that I would have otherwise perhaps overlooked or seen in somewhat of a more naive perspective. Your wisdom and advise will stay at the back of my mind forever
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