Girlfriend says "we need space"

[JooJooBean]

I can imagine the answer here, and I'm pretty firmly resolved that I'm in an abort mission phase here, but I can't help but return for a little advice. It's been years since I once read here, but as is the story with most guys, we all turn fools and wander off.

So anyway. 30. No kids. Never married. Work. Fit. Train all the time. Dated a 22 year old single mom. A year in, and relationship starts to wane a bit. Usual stuff, nothing abnormal. I'm a long term kind of guy, so hate me on that one, but either way, stuff was normal. Get along great with kid.

Get a message this weekend. Mid conversation, boom. I get stuff like:
"I don't want to have a forced conversation. I apologize, I need to grow up, but we need space. We should just keep things like this and meet once a week. I know I'm a hypocrite and never gave you space, but I'm just not healthy. And this situation, I"m getting worse. Oh, and I'm sorry about the "daddy" thing, but the kid needs to now stay out of this too. I need to grow up and work on myself, and we'll just focus on being a couple before we start our lives together."

Meanwhile, this girl has put 15lbs on while we've been together, has thrown crap at me while drunk when in private (nothing that hurt, water bottles and crap... but still...) , and I've spent all this time with the kid to boot, including putting said kid to sleep and hanging out, etc.

Mind you, I've had no problems or demands placed me all this time outside of that. Things were just flowing normally. Now... suddenly, this.

My assessment. I need to run. My balls are in her purse, and she thought I would just read all of that stuff and say "Okay, you're right, sounds good." Instead, I've not communicated with her in 4 days.

I'm lost on this one. What happened on the way? I guess I was too nice. Eh.

 

[JooJooBean]

lol. the answer was in front of me and i didn't even see it. I could have told her she was unhealthy.

But I have to confess. I know what the problem is. It's clear to me. I'm not whining or cringing. I'm too old for feeling bad about a possible end... and yet, I have to admit, after time invested, and me ignoring her thus far, I'm finding myself teetering on waiting for her to contact me or run into me and see if things will continue, or if the true way of manning up would be to simply, and unemotionally, detach from her entirely.

Even if she says "I need to grow up", while that might be an admission on her part, I'm still thinking I've been too nice and accommodating this part. To keep things going might as well be suicide. At least it seems that way to me. I might be over reacting. I'm just pissed off, really. Instinctively just pissed off about it.

 

[betheman]

Pride a little hurt? she sounds like the one who is straying after all, isnt that what we as DJ ers are supposed to do? have the options?
she has come up with a lot of BS excuses to tell you the relationship is being given the last rites.
Time to walk and look for pastures new, take a break yourself maybe. sounds like you took your eye off the balla bit.

what do you want? go back to being DJ so she can come running to you again or just go back to being a DJ?

telling you the 'kid needs to stay out of this now' is a big F uck you in my eyes too. personally, Id be saying thank you ma'am and never looking back.
good luck with your path

 

[Bible_Belt]

We should just keep things like this

Was something about to change? Had you talked about moving in together? Is she thinking you're going to whip out a ring?

Oh, and I'm sorry about the "daddy" thing

Did her kid call you "daddy?" I could see how that would make her feel like a fvck-up. I imagine she has regret over screwing it up with baby-daddy and the resulting damage it may have done to her child. She's thinking that she'll do the same thing with you, and then it will be double the pain for the kid, like losing a father all over again.

 

[Atom Smasher]

I hate to say this, but "We need space" = "I've been losing attraction for the past 6 months and I can no longer hide it". She has been breaking up with you and grieving for the past several months (as they are prone to do) while you were largely blind to it.

A good answer to that is "Definitely agree" and go NC.

 

[The Gambler]

JooJooBean (why the HELL do you call yourself that?), you are well-written and seem to have a good grasp on things. I agree that you already know what to do in this situation.

What really drives many of us crazy here (until you eventually learn to just accept it and/or work on yourself), is the fact that most women in their twenties are powerless over their raw desire to get f*cked by a brash, confident, alpha-type male (which I am not, by the way). These gals know what they NEED on an intellectual level, but can't seem to stay away from what they WANT on a more primal level... and these are two entirely different things.

If what you said is true, then you are definitely what she NEEDS... a nice guy, there for her kid, there for her and her drinking, etc. etc. But, unfortunately, at the age of 22 she isn't ready for you. Damn, it kills me to say that, but SHE IS NOT READY FOR YOU! It is frustrating, to say the least, but you'll find so many stories in this forum similar to yours it isn't even funny. Just randomly throw a dart and it will hit a story similar to yours. Hell, I myself have a tale similar to this.

Are all 22 year-olds like that? Of course not.... But the majority are, and we have the stories to prove it.

The Gambler

 

[roflzaur]

She needs space? Give her space, leave her.

 

[JooJooBean]

We should just keep things like this

Was something about to change? Had you talked about moving in together? Is she thinking you're going to whip out a ring?

Oh, and I'm sorry about the "daddy" thing

Did her kid call you "daddy?" I could see how that would make her feel like a fvck-up. I imagine she has regret over screwing it up with baby-daddy and the resulting damage it may have done to her child. She's thinking that she'll do the same thing with you, and then it will be double the pain for the kid, like losing a father all over again.

We were discussing the moving in thing. I was never pushy about it though. I made it clear that I wanted it, and we even casually made a time frame, but it was never set in stone and I never expected her to follow through. She didn't want a ring, and I had always made it clear to her that a ring meant little to me anyway.

The kid has started to call me daddy. Only two years old, and never knew real father. Either way, as painful for the kid and her as it may be, I didn't create this problem. Just last week I was full on board. Now, I've already emotionally made the cut in my head.

 

[JooJooBean]

I hate to say this, but "We need space" = "I've been losing attraction for the past 6 months and I can no longer hide it". She has been breaking up with you and grieving for the past several months (as they are prone to do) while you were largely blind to it.

A good answer to that is "Definitely agree" and go NC.

Funnily enough, it was me that had lost the attraction, and at one point she had to complain to me about it. This may have precipitated the same effect in her, but the reality was that she provided me little, and even in many ways disrespected me by completely letting herself go. I was like a guaranteed deal.

Either way, I was still blind to it. Oh well, time to wake up.

telling you the 'kid needs to stay out of this now' is a big F uck you in my eyes too. personally, Id be saying thank you ma'am and never looking back. good luck with your path

Well, yeah, exactly. This is probably what pissed me off the most and prompted me to not even respond to her comments to me after that. For a bit, I kept giving her the "I'm confused" questioning to get more out of her. But when that finally got said, including the "the daddy this is just so ****ed, ****ed, ****ed up. I'm so sorry, it's just so ****ed up." I was beside myself. I think the last thing I asked was "well, is so-and-so having problems because of this." "Well, how about she just keeps ****ing asking where you are?"

I couldn't believe she even went there. Baby-daddy is a drug-dealer in another state. Has little to no contact with the kid. Also no support. And yet my contact is too soon and ****ing things up. At month eleven. I stopped myself from calling her and yelling.

Lately I've just been venting my anger and my insulting words to the air while I drive to work. I imagine arguing with her, or even saying things with anger in my voice, is a waste of time and exactly what she probably wants. Can't imagine there is any benefit to telling her how I feel about all this in detail.

 

[pdx1138]

No benefit at all in telling her.

You have two real options:

1. drop her completely, cut all contact, meet someone new

2. detach emotionally, bang her once a week until you get bored (I did that once)

 

[Who Dares Win]

If she is not a NASA spokesman at the senate or an actor quoting Hitler, the lines "we need space" means that a countdown till she leaves you or cheat you is just started and its usually a very short one.

Regarding what you wrote Im surprised how a girl aged 22 managed to get pregnant and remain alone in such short amount of time, what surprise me even more is a healthy minded guy not only sticking around her but actually being concerned about not staying with her forever.

I mean mate, if she leaves you what bad could happen to you? maybe being forced to settle for a psyco single mother?

 

[VladPatton]

She needs to grow up, period. This is one messy ball of wax, especially with the baby-daddy being a drug dealer. Phuck it, man, consider it dead, there are better deals out there.

 

[In2theGame]

When a women says "we Need Space" No more words are needed. Its time to Bail the F*ck out and eject. We all know its a very hard thing to do especially if your emotionally involved but those words are the main B.S. line females use to either test the waters with another guy or something similar.

 

[flashpoint]

Dated a 22 year old single mom.

basically there isnt anything more to be understood. i wouldnt say it is necessarily a bad thing or the wrong thing to do, but you need to be careful in these situations and realize that you will have an extra tough time and that it might not work out.

point is she already has proven that she is prone to make bad decision and not someone you can rely on. add the age factor and you get a recipe for desaster. that her ex is a drugdealer is no real surprise here, just adds to the impression.

so nothing went wrong, it just didnt work out probably. whatever is in her head, i guess the basics are clear. she doesnt want you close to her and doesnt want a life with you either. her choice. maybe she is looking for another bad boy who screws over her again and again and again. its just in her nature. nothing the white knight in you can fix.

there is no shame in leaving this and saying thanks but goodbye. although there might be a chance that she has a change of mind and wants you back. especially when you are giving her all the space she wants and some more. be prepared is all i am saying.

 

[Masculinity]

I hate to say this, but "We need space" = "I've been losing attraction for the past 6 months and I can no longer hide it". She has been breaking up with you and grieving for the past several months (as they are prone to do) while you were largely blind to it.

A good answer to that is "Definitely agree" and go NC.

You read my mind, Atom ^

 

[Dominance]

You answered your own question. You were too nice, you spent all that time looking after her kid etc.. she threw stuff at you and I assume other abuse and it seems like you just put up with it.

Her saying she needs space means it is pretty much over. It is hard to get your balls back in this relationship if it's gone on for a while, better to start again and start strong. Or if you want to give it a go just stop taking her bull****, stop spending all that time with her kid aswell.

 

[JooJooBean]

Well, not to drag this thread into the ground too much, but it's finally officially over. Although, I feel like I made a mistake.

I made no contact with her. Waited about a week, and then finally just changed my Facebook status and removed pictures. That was it. I tried not to make it "public", but she obviously saw it and then promptly switched herself to, although I had no announcement declaring myself single.

In the future, I don't think I'll have a relationship status thing on my Facebook again. That was a silly error that backfired. I kept mine incognito though, so as to avoid getting any silly "poor you's" and "sorry's" on my page. I then promptly blocked her news feed and other things to avoid getting sucked in to reminders or going chump mode.

So in essence, I'm battoning down the hatches. What sucks is that this girl is close proximity in my world. I train at the same yoga studio as her and even share some friends. They're all older though, so hopefully they'll be more understanding and not go for any of the crap. I still refuse to contact her though. She wants her stuff, she can contact me. I'll just spend the mean time packing it up in boxes.

Was it weak of me to not "call to break up"? Or was just giving her the hint and moving on my life with no fanfare or finger wagging the way to go?

Next up, I need to get my ass out there. I'm still AFC, and that was girl number 3. So, in all honesty, I have a lot of work to do. My record has sucked ass thus far. And I'm not an unattractive guy. I'm just... nice.

 

[backseatjuan]

If you're not unattractive get yourself on pof. First day kiss or f'ck or move on to next one.

But on your relationship with single mom, she was single for a reason, which is she didn't stay with her man. Neither did she stay with you.

 

[JimmyBizzle]

Many of us here have been in the exact same spot before. You're not alone and you got brothers here. Stay strong and keep us all updated on your progress.

James

 

[flashpoint]

obviously you did the right thing. her reaction says it all. and you did handle it in a manly way so to speak. no whining and biatching around, you understood what she actually was telling you, accepted it and made a clean cut. straight as an arrow, you dont fool around. that is a valuable thing when dealing with women and it will be very helpful next time, maybe preventing you from getting into a situation like this again.

and there is no shame in being "nice". and it is no problem either. being a man and being a nice person are not mutually exclusive. you just dont wanna be a pushover and certainly not someone who takes on responsibility for anything else than himself and his own actions, unless there is some sort of an agreement. well i would say that you did prove yourself here that you are neither one of them.