Girlfriend says "we need space"

[JooJooBean]

So, after finally just announcing to the world that I'm "single", I get a message saying, "Ok, I'm going to call you tonight. I don't want this to get worse than it already is."

lol, time to make myself too busy to talk. I'm tired anyway. But really, eventually I'll have to discuss logistics and getting my stuff back. Fortunately, on the bargaining side of things, I have MORE of her stuff. So the exchange will happen (I have a nice bed for the kid that we moved in here, and a bunch of toys and personal items. Plus her clothes.)

So ensuring that my items are returned is a certainty. I'm just in no rush to do so. Got the self esteem boost at work, as virtually ever female friend I have was high fiving me when I told the story. All of them are 10+ years older than me, not prospects, so I wasn't sacrificing anything there in the first place.

Either way, I'm already laughing at how this one seems to be steering. But when I finally do get around to talking to her, I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to say. Or when I finally listen to her "piece" on things, or when she complains about how she doesn't even know how things got to where they are, what should I even say?

I'm thinking, "Don't care. Not my problem. Let me know when you can come get your things." And that's it. No emotion, no closure for her, no goodbyes. Just come get it.

 

[Bible_Belt]

I'm thinking, "Don't care. Not my problem. Let me know when you can come get your things." And that's it. No emotion, no closure for her, no goodbyes. Just come get it.

Acting p!ssy shows that you are hurt, which is an emotion and does give her closure.

You mentioned that you have problems being a nice guy AFC, so I'll say this just to give you some perspective. If you can put your emotions on ice, you can still keep fvcking this girl if you want, and fvck new girls at the same time. That's not nice at all, but that's the man she is attracted to and all of this is one big sh!t test to see if you are that guy.

If it helps you detach and not be angry with her, all of her behavior is controlled by her fvcked-up psychology that is probably the result of a bad relationship with daddy during her childhood years. It's not her fault that she needs you to treat her like a ho and not a princess.

 

[bigneil]

When she says "I need space" she means between her legs, but not by you.

 

[JooJooBean]

I'm thinking, "Don't care. Not my problem. Let me know when you can come get your things." And that's it. No emotion, no closure for her, no goodbyes. Just come get it.

Acting p!ssy shows that you are hurt, which is an emotion and does give her closure.

You mentioned that you have problems being a nice guy AFC, so I'll say this just to give you some perspective. If you can put your emotions on ice, you can still keep fvcking this girl if you want, and fvck new girls at the same time. That's not nice at all, but that's the man she is attracted to and all of this is one big sh!t test to see if you are that guy.

If it helps you detach and not be angry with her, all of her behavior is controlled by her fvcked-up psychology that is probably the result of a bad relationship with daddy during her childhood years. It's not her fault that she needs you to treat her like a ho and not a princess.

Eh, good point. I'm getting too cavalier about this. I'll confess. I have no idea how to even take this inevitable phone call or conversation. I get keeping my emotions on ice. That won't be a problem. But what is there to even talk about? I know I'll just revert and start listening to her or "discussing" the relationship.

I want to be in control now. I'm tired of being every woman's cute man servant that gives good sex, but gets bored while giving it. Because that's where it got. I was literally rolling my eyes during sex. Something was totally missing.

 

[Bible_Belt]

But what is there to even talk about?

Nothing at all. Just think about how you'd feel and act if you were already fvcking another girl. You wouldn't care enough to even try to talk to her. And you wouldn't be mad any more, either. Just be civil, trade stuff, and before you leave, grab her ass and see what happens. If she doesn't resist, have rough sex with her while you smack her ass and call her every name you've wanted to over the past week. After the sex, or after she stops you, then get up, tell her a polite goodbye, walk out the door and never call her again. That wouldn't be very nice of you, would it?

Most women have self-image issues and that's a big strike against the nice guys of the world. Someone with low self-esteem can't handle being treated well. Their issues are always going to make them gravitate toward people who treat them poorly. I doubt she understands it enough to even tell you that.

 

[sighsigh]

I hate to say this, but "We need space" = "I've been losing attraction for the past 6 months and I can no longer hide it". She has been breaking up with you and grieving for the past several months (as they are prone to do) while you were largely blind to it.

A good answer to that is "Definitely agree" and go NC.

Agreed.

 

[Kbomb]

Being nice is a curse and a blessing all at the same time. you will find someone who will be able to reciprocate, but niceness does not come before strength, and self-respect/esteem. You are not nice when it costs you beyond what you are worth receiving in return.

Dating is not you looking for a girl, because you have the confidence to know that you can get any girl you want. It is the process by which you are weeding out all the bad ones out of the bunch, a job interview. Every initial interaction with a girl you should be asking, "is this girl good enough for me?"

 

[TillTheEndOfTime]

I guess I was too nice. Eh.

Yup. Her drug dealer baby daddy who's in jail now beat the sh1t out of her when she acted up. You just smile. :crackup:


I swear on all that is holy that I wrote the above before you even said he was a drug dealer.


MEN. WAKE THE FVCK UP. SINGLE MOTHERS ARE GOOD FOR A ONS AND THAT'S IT. THEY'RE NOT VICTIMS. THEY'RE SELF-RIGHTEOUS MORONS WHO MAKE TERRIBLE CHOICES IN LIFE AND THEN LOOK FOR A MAN TO CARRY THE BURDEN OF ANOTHER MAN.

 

[JooJooBean]

Yup. Her drug dealer baby daddy who's in jail now beat the sh1t out of her when she acted up. You just smile. :crackup:


I swear on all that is holy that I wrote the above before you even said he was a drug dealer.


MEN. WAKE THE FVCK UP. SINGLE MOTHERS ARE GOOD FOR A ONS AND THAT'S IT. THEY'RE NOT VICTIMS. THEY'RE SELF-RIGHTEOUS MORONS WHO MAKE TERRIBLE CHOICES IN LIFE AND THEN LOOK FOR A MAN TO CARRY THE BURDEN OF ANOTHER MAN.

Well, he's not in jail right now as he's really small time (Jamaican selling pot... how cliche). But he is married (still), so he was cheating on his wife with her, and then on top of it banged her roommate too. Jokes on me, I know.

But that's hilarious that you already had half the story figured out.

In other news, I'm already getting apologies from her. Text last night: "I'm sorry for blaming everything on you. Wherever this goes, I just want to talk about it." She really does want me to treat her this way. I haven't gotten a positive talk back from her in months like this. lol.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Remember that in 98% of cases (there is always that exception) a "talk about the relationship" with a woman = her wiping the floor with you.

Women will entrap you and turn everything around until your head is spinning. The issues will never be the actual issues but rather she will make every issue about how you speak and how you phrase things (you're so mean...you don't have to be so nasty.... and on it goes).

 

[TillTheEndOfTime]

Well, he's not in jail right now as he's really small time (Jamaican selling pot... how cliche). But he is married (still), so he was cheating on his wife with her, and then on top of it banged her roommate too. Jokes on me, I know.

But that's hilarious that you already had half the story figured out.

In other news, I'm already getting apologies from her. Text last night: "I'm sorry for blaming everything on you. Wherever this goes, I just want to talk about it." She really does want me to treat her this way. I haven't gotten a positive talk back from her in months like this. lol.

For some reason it works out this way half the time with single mothers. Their ex was either a thug or a drug dealer.

The only valid excuse for being a single mother is that your husband died in Iraq, or had cancer, or had a car accident, etc, etc. Having a baby with someone who abuses you, sells drugs, or whatever is nothing other than an indication that the woman is just as bad as her husband.

 

[DonJuanabe]

Keep your mouth shut and listen, not just to her words, but what she is conveying non-verbally. Eventually she will demand that you say something. You can go one of two routes: paraphrase back what she said (it doesn't mean you agree or that she is right, it just means she gets to hear what she just said so she won't complain about it) or just grab and kiss her.

 

[JooJooBean]

Update on the inevitable Phone Conversation:

So after a week of NC, she finally calls me after I break things off. She calls three times, I finally respond and call back on the third, since she essentially put forward that she wouldn't be calling again. I wait an hour, get stuff done that I wanted, but first and foremost removed all of her belongings from the apartment. It is currently on the deck, packed and ready to go, including the child's bed which is disassembled.

So I call.

"Hi, Mary Sue." (obvious fake name).
"Hi, John Doe."

I decided to follow DonJuanabe's advice and just not say anything. To my shock and horror, this actually worked. I let her do most of the talking.

It started off as:

"Well... uh... is this going to be awkward..."
*silence*
"Well... no, it doesn't have to be. How was... (insert conversation about her activities. Also insert some talk about my own activities in general... nothing special. Just a basic 'things are going great' scenario)"
"Yeah... well, we did... and there were this... blah blah."
"cool."

*silence*

"So, I just wanted to say that. Well, I mean, this is crazy. When I said those things I said, I didn't want to break up. That wasn't my intention. I thought I was communicating something, but I guess I did a bad job at that..."

(note here that she waited a full week to communicate back with me after I radio-silenced her following insulting remarks. I didn't do the "break up" until that week had passed. At that point, I had decided that she didn't qualify anymore).

"Well, anyway, I mean, is this going to be a problem. Are you okay? I mean..."

*silence*

"I mean, I understand, the things I said to you were just wrong. I shouldn't have said all of those things and I apologize."

*silence, no acknowledgement of the apology*

"Well, the reason I said what I said was that I was trying to get our relationship back on the healthy path. I mean, don't you agree that it was going the wrong course. I mean, I know for myself that I just wasn't feeling healthy anymore. You can't disagree with that, you know. It just wasn't doing well."

"But, I mean, come on John Doe! Seriously! Are you going to say anything? Aren't you mad or something. I mean, it's like, I want to just yell at me or something. Or scream. Tell me I'm stupid or something. You know? Anything?"

*this is where I forget the advice I was given earlier. I couldn't resist, sadly. I regret saying it, but at least I kept it short and left the emotion out. It'll be used against me, nonetheless. Woops*

"I don't have to." (doh, like I said. It's what I feel, but that just got me laughed at with a cold chuckle for about a minute. Fortunately, I didn't bite any further and start making comments back. I just let the laughing go. Should have said that there was nothing to say).

"So.... well, okay. Haha. Anyway, yeah. Well, what are you going to do now?"

*pause* "I don't understand what you mean."

"You know. Are you going to date other people? I mean, what are you gonna do now?" (at this stage, I feel like I should have just said, "of course", but my gut said to simply shrug that off and not play ****y)

"It's like you said. We needed space. You have your college and your yoga training going on, and you just needed that space. I'm just going to live my life."

"Yeah, well, I mean, I didn't mean for it go this way. I feel that if I hadn't those things that I'd said to you that... we'd.. well, this wouldn't be happening...... But it needed to be said! You know?!" (no, I don't). "I just want to get back to a better place. I just needed to get back to where I was."

*silence*

"And, I hope... uh... that you take this time to.. uh... you know, work on yourself.?? you know.. and make yourself better... haha! I mean, wow, this is just going so fast, way fast... wow... hahahhaha..." (I think she's subtly hinting that I really suck)

*her* "Well... uh. Okay... anything else then?"

*me* "No."


"Oh yeah, can I keep using your Netflix account. I've been using it, and there's this really cool show that I've been watching on it."

*silence* (I'm pissed at that one, but I again don't bite. Simply refuse to respond. I'll handle that problem in the near future.).

"Please...? Oh yeah, do you want your stuff back?" (she has a few of my things, including an electronic device).

"Well, yeah, but take your time. I'm in no rush to get them back. I know you're busy and all. On that note, when you get a chance, you can call Eric to get the truck to pick up the bed and your things. He doesn't have to spend much time, I have all your things packed up on the front porch. But like I said, no rush. Just get it when it's convenient for you."

*silence*

"Yeah, well thanks. I'll get your stuff to you in about a week or so."

*silence*

"Good luck tomorrow with (insert activity). Better you than me (truly, this wasn't an insult)." Have fun." (insert more general, friendly bs talk. Me trying to pretend that I'm not fazed, but also attempting to communicate that I won't harbor animosity. Verbalize that I haven't said anything negative about her, etc., and essentially that it won't be awkward.)

"Yeah, well, good night (incredulous voice as it peters out)." "I'll see ya sometime I guess."

"Yeah, I'll see ya soon." (truly, I'm going to run into her no matter what. And soon.)

"Have a good night, Mary Sue."

*literally two minutes later I get a text about getting a file off my laptop for a mutual friend. She needed it. I didn't respond.*


Sorry for long post. So did I bomb hard here? The thing I'm most worried about is her spreading the outcome to her friends, who happen to be my much older acquaintances. The good part is that these mutual friends are all married with children. So they are about 8-10 years my senior, but she's a 20 something, so much younger. I want to keep these folks around. Hell, I knew them first. Granted, I know they'll gravitate to the closer friend, but I want to still keep in the circle at least as a casual outlier. They provide services that I enjoy.

But really, it pisses me off that she says she didn't want to actually break up. It pleases me that she still apologized, at least twice, for saying the things she said to me and blaming stuff on me for what happened. She even reminded me that nothing that happened to her was my fault.

End analysis - I think she's just flabbergasted that I dumped her that fast, with no explanation, and no hot emotion. She probably disrespects me for it too, since I didn't got caveman on her like Ian and her past schlubs have. But I also didn't reason with her this time or make any insults... minus that one slip up on the "I don't have to" remark. That was dumb. I probably also just launched her out of my world completely now, too. But oh well, lesson learned, and I am already improving myself. Back room cleaned, clutter disappearing, and I've swallowed the red pill for a second time, with no intention of pulling a Cypher and plugging back into the Matrix like I did just this past year.

Time to start anew.

 

[Atom Smasher]

I think you did a good job overall.

You said she probably disrespects you for no explanation, no emotion, but I'll bet it's quite the contrary. A show of emotion and explanations would have lowered her respect for you, and that's what she wants in order to feel better about herself.

 

[TillTheEndOfTime]

She probably disrespects me for it too, since I didn't got caveman on her like Ian and her past schlubs have. But I also didn't reason with her this time or make any insults... minus that one slip up on the "I don't have to" remark. That was dumb.

On the contrary, blowing up would only make you look weaker. She WANTED you to blow up. She wanted to get some satisfaction that she got to you. If you lost your cool, she would have known that you cared. And that's exactly what she was hinting at.

Being indifferent towards the situation is the best way to go about putting a girl like this one in her place. She now realizes that she's not the great catch that she thought she was. That she can't go around deciding when a man is or is not a part of her life like a chew toy. That she needs to treat a man, especially an older one, with SOME amount of respect to keep him.

P.S. I wrote the above without reading Atom Smasher's post. We're really on the same page here!

 

[Bible_Belt]

Most guys in that situation probably break down and cry like a little girl. I think you did great.

I hope... uh... that you take this time to.. uh... you know, work on yourself.?

translation: "As soon as you fvck someone else, I will suddenly be attracted to you again."

 

[Greasy Pig]

*Applause*. Handled like a fvcking boss, OP.
Her hamster will be running like a mutha fvcka.

 

[cordoncordon]

Congrats I think you did really well.

And I think she did you a favor too. Not only did she open your eyes to something women do, but she gave you the perfect test, in the field, that you passed with flying colors. Well done. So this will be great experience for dealing with future women.

Finally, I think she did you a favor. While I have no doubt you felt a bond with her and the kid, you yourself said when having sex it was just so-so and nothing to write home about. To feel that way about someone you are with? Not good. Add in the fighting and all the times she threw things at you? (huge red flag btw-NOT normal or in anyway healthy) This was going to end sooner or later anyway. So in a way, she was right by saying this relationship was in a bad place and not heading in the right direction. She just saw it before you did, or was willing to see it, whereas you were not. Hopefully this opens your eyes to red flags in the future with whatever gf's you are with.

Good luck.

 

[betheman]

Good job OP, you did well. there will be other phonecalls/contact though. women dont like being dumped, even less so when there ISNT another woman involved

 

[Czech]

*slow clap*

Handled it like a man. Nice job. It's incredibly inspiring to read success stories like this.

You slashed your ex-girlfriend's ego. She's just pissed you beat her to the punch! Well done, and congratulations on taking control of your life. Can't wait to read more stories from you.