Girlfriend going cold

[jthomp]

I've been dating this woman for 9 months. Our relationship has been going well thus far. I spent last weekend with her and she cooked me dinner Monday and Tuesday night. When I contacted her Thursday she sounded cold and distant on the phone. We agreed to meet up in an hour but 20 mins before I was going to pick her up she texted me saying that she didn't want to go out and that she would see me over the weekend. I tried calling her but she didn't pick up or return the call. I didn't hear anything from her on Friday. I tried calling her Saturday and she didn't pick up but texted me saying that her nephew was in an accident Thursday and is in critical condition and that she was very distraught and needed time and that she would talk later. I said that im here for her and that I hope everything turns out well. She said thanks luv. It's now Tuesday and still haven't heard from her. I'm not going to contact her again.

I was wondering what is a reasonable time to wait before assuming she really wants to break up? Would she lie about this?

 

[Thorninmyside]

The nephew's accident might be real but an aunty doesn't need to push her boyfriend away to deal with it. If anything she'd lean on you AND she would have mentioned in on Thursday rather than back date an excuse on Saturday. And she wouldn't avoid the call and then text you. It smells like freshly squeezed bull****.

I would go quiet like you said, and get on with your life, keep busy and see if she catches up to you. I would already assume something's up. You can't really nuke it yourself on the slim chance she's genuine.

 

[SteR]

I think you're worrying unnecessarily, and you've played it well so far up till now.

I would go quiet like you said, and get on with your life, keep busy and see if she catches up to you. I would already assume something's up. You can't really nuke it yourself on the slim chance she's genuine.

I agree with this ^. Just get on with your life and wait for her to get back in contact.

 

[Desdinova]

I was wondering what is a reasonable time to wait before assuming she really wants to break up? Would she lie about this?

She is considering breaking up with you right now. You don't need to be wasting your life away, waiting for a woman who isn't interested in you. There's a good chance she's interested in a new guy which is why she "needs time". If that falls through, then she'll probably contact you again. Personally, I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of being the backburner guy.

If I were you, I'd completely cut her loose and move on. You are no longer her priority.

 

[Thorninmyside]

@Desdinova is right. Needing time usually means "I need to see how stable this other branch is before I swing".

 

[HoneyHitter]

Trust your gut. She shouldn't be keeping you in the dark like this if she really considered you close to her. She's either dumping you or taking you for granted.

Focus on yourself. No more contact with her. Direct your attention towards other interests and (new) women.

 

[jthomp]

The nephew's accident might be real but an aunty doesn't need to push her boyfriend away to deal with it. If anything she'd lean on you AND she would have mentioned in on Thursday rather than back date an excuse on Saturday. And she wouldn't avoid the call and then text you. It smells like freshly squeezed bull****.

I would go quiet like you said, and get on with your life, keep busy and see if she catches up to you. I would already assume something's up. You can't really nuke it yourself on the slim chance she's genuine.

 

[jthomp]

She is considering breaking up with you right now. You don't need to be wasting your life away, waiting for a woman who isn't interested in you. There's a good chance she's interested in a new guy which is why she "needs time". If that falls through, then she'll probably contact you again. Personally, I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of being the backburner guy.

If I were you, I'd completely cut her loose and move on. You are no longer her priority.

I have a lot of valuable stuff at her place. How long should I wait before I ask for it back? I was thinking this weekend.

 

[bigneil]

You're calling her too much. When she cancelled, why did you call? When the weekend arrived, why didn't you wait until she reached out? When she walks away, you walk away.

I just broke up with my girlfriend on precisely the 9 month mark. This is a natural friction point in a relationship, which has four seasons. The reason is that if you make it past this point you make it to the one year mark, and then the relationship likely repeats.

Milestones

• 3 months is when it becomes a long term relationship.
• 6 months is when it becomes a life partner (someone you will never forget).
• 9 months is when it becomes close to a permanent bond (you at least stayed until the point where historically the child would have arrived).
• 12 months is when you have nostalgia on your side.
• 24 months is when limerence wears off (you lose the strong physical attraction for them).

In this situation there is nothing you can do except walk away and see if she comes back. If she does, the relationship will be much stronger because she will know you are strong enough to set her free and independent enough to stand on your own, and you will also know that there was something that kept your connection alive.

 

[bigneil]

@Desdinova is right. Needing time usually means "I need to see how stable this other branch is before I swing".

If you push her to the point where she says that, then yes, but you should never, ever push that far. There would have been tons of signs - for example, she cancelled a date and didn't respond. That is where you simply do nothing until she returns.

I use the opposite approach: I give them too much space, and complete freedom, and encourage them to be free. I told my last girl "You just got out of a marriage where you lived with him. You need to be completely free. You can't rebound with me. The only way this can work is if you call me next year and tell me you miss me". And then I said goodbye, I let her go and I walked away.

When they come back, suddenly everything will be easy again.

 

[bigneil]

 

[jthomp]

If you push her to the point where she says that, then yes, but you should never, ever push that far. There would have been tons of signs - for example, she cancelled a date and didn't respond. That is where you simply do nothing until she returns.

I use the opposite approach: I give them too much space, and complete freedom, and encourage them to be free. I told my last girl "You just got out of a marriage where you lived with him. You need to be completely free. You can't rebound with me. The only way this can work is if you call me next year and tell me you miss me". And then I said goodbye, I let her go and I walked away.

When they come back, suddenly everything will be easy again.

I'll take your advice but how do you know she's seeing other guys? We've been really close the last 9 months. She called me all weekend prior and invited me over to her place to cook dinner Monday and Tuesday night. So I don't know. I've gone through her phone. She's a straight shooter usually. If she doesn't want to hang she usually will just say it. It seems like a messed up thing to lie about. But I have about 1,000 dollars worth of stuff over her house and I want it back. What would be a reasonable time frame to assume she's done for sure?

 

[HoneyHitter]

Let her reach out to you first.

 

[bigneil]

I'll take your advice but how do you know she's seeing other guys? We've been really close the last 9 months. She called me all weekend prior and invited me over to her place to cook dinner Monday and Tuesday night. So I don't know. I've gone through her phone. She's a straight shooter usually. If she doesn't want to hang she usually will just say it. It seems like a messed up thing to lie about. But I have about 1,000 dollars worth of stuff over her house and I want it back. What would be a reasonable time frame to assume she's done for sure?

She's always seeing other guys. On Facebook, her cell phone, her Instagram, her apartment building, her work, her grocery store, her hangout. She will always surround herself with an entourage of admirers.

So she must have already chosen you out of a huge crowd of guys at some point. So just focus on self improvement so that when she reaches out and you see her again she will say "You look great!". Either that, you will improve enough to get another girl.

Remember guys: we are only as good as our backup girl. We must get to a point where we can get other girls as hot as our girl or she will indeed see other guys.

If she doesn't reach out for 2 weeks then it's generally not good. I would wait at least that long to get your stuff.

Don't care whether she is seeing other guys, care whether she does what you want. In my case, when my girl asked for lunch I said no. When she asked for dinner with a curfew I said no. Then she said there was another guy and I said "I know". So you can see where all I needed to do was hold my ground and walk away when she could no longer deliver.

Good times, bad times, you know I've had my share. Well my woman left home for another man and I still don't seem to care.

 

[bigneil]

This is how you know there's another guy. Uncharacteristic change in behavior.

I kept a weekly interest level chart for my last relationship (and several prior). It is simply the number of days she initiated a text conversation that week. Check out this 40 week sample.

12222201021101420122233454333344455112120

The red numbers show our 4 month hey dey, starting when she said "I love you" (during the Super Bowl). The blue numbers show post divorce (amazingly, she divorced someone else and I never saw her again). The gray 01 was when we broke up and she got a job in Las Vegas but didn't move.

See the major hiccup from 5 to 1? Notice how smooth it had been all year, with never a weekly variation of more than 1 since January? It was remarkably smooth for some time.

I attest that this number, the number of days your woman initiates a conversation per week, is the most important number to measure her interest level.

 

[bigneil]

Remember also, OP: my graph shows that often the change you sense has nothing to do with you personally, and there may be a logical explanation (in this case her divorce was the reason, not her seeing someone else).

From the data I can almost prove some things:

1) She wasn't seeing the new guy when she filed the divorce - I would have seen a decline, not a peak.

2) She is probably still romantically involved with her ex husband, seeing that it must have been him who she started texting more. I can't imagine she could dump him and me at the same time. It seems impossible. Our sex life was at it's very best.

3) She probably can see two people at the same time, but with her rebound I got bumped to #3 after hitting #1.

 

[Jetleg]

Tell her to fuk off and delete her number.

Waste of fuking time mate.

 

[jthomp]

Remember also, OP: my graph shows that often the change you sense has nothing to do with you personally, and there may be a logical explanation (in this case her divorce was the reason, not her seeing someone else).

From the data I can almost prove some things:

1) She wasn't seeing the new guy when she filed the divorce - I would have seen a decline, not a peak.

2) She is probably still romantically involved with her ex husband, seeing that it must have been him who she started texting more. I can't imagine she could dump him and me at the same time. It seems impossible. Our sex life was at it's very best.

3) She probably can see two people at the same time, but with her rebound I got bumped to #3 after hitting #1.

We've been seeing each other a lot the last 4 or 5 months. Maybe 4 days a week. She has all my stuff there and bought me a lot of stuff for when I go there. I don't know what happened

 

[SmooveMooves]

For me this would be disrespect on a level that I could not tolerate. Needing space is one thing, not reaching out for 2 weeks to your partner is another, dead relative or not. If that is the cause' for her behavior I still could not accept it. She is not the only person who has lost someone before. A day or 2 is understandable. She hasn't said anything to you in 2 weeks lol. What does she think your some retard that's going to wait around forever? Especially after 9 months? Dating is no longer casual at that point. Least she could do is let you know what's up.

This pisses me off that she did this to you.

Give her til the weekend. Prepare yourself emotionally.

This relationship is over.

You need to make this realization so she doesn't convince you otherwise. If she contacts you before Friday 5pm it doesn't matter. Either at Friday 5pm or if she contacts you before you text her this: "I'm picking up my stuff"

-You dont need to explain
-You dont need to talk about it
-You dont need to wait
-You dont need to have a sit down

You made your decision. If she's like most women she will go into panic mode, which you need to be strong enough to whether. Get your stuff and get out. There's nothing to talk about, 2 week spell says enough.

If shes a cold hearted bítch she will probably say something along the lines of: "Ok."
In which you still need to get your stuff and dip.

Take a week to recover and then hop right back in the sack. That's if you even need it, she gave you a 2 week headstart. Sorry man. Good luck.

 

[Milano]

No woman with respect for a man would treat you like this. She is probably cheating but it doesnt matter, its over.