Girlfriend and my friend too flirty?

[Maverack]

Hi all. Looking for some serious advice.

I've got my gf of 2 years. And I've got my buddy of over 10 years.

My gf is good looking and gets lots of compliments.

Now my buddy is no slouch, he's not ugly or anything and gets his fair share of play, which is probably why he's been my buddy for so long lol.

But he's been in a bit of a slump lately and he's a bit desperate for female attention.

Anyways, every once in a while all 3 of us hang out together. Go out to the bar etc.

But they always seem kind of flirty together. Like if all 3 of us are walking somewhere, she'll be walking beside him and won't even bother to try to catch up to me if I'm walking ahead.

During the week she'll ask at least twice, "What is dave up to?" Like, wtf would she even ask that? I don't ask what her friends are doing nor do I care.

Now I do trust my buddy but he doesn't help matters at all when he's always trying to brag to my gf and outright lying to try to impress her.

I dunno, so far there hasn't been anything that has crossed the line, but I get an uneasy feeling about it. Maybe I'm just being jealous or overprotective?

Plus my gf is always complimenting him on everything from his clothing to his job or whatever. It's weird to me.

What's the verdict? Am I being irrational about this or not?

 

[NewMan]

She's probably attracted to him in some shape or form, but that is no crime.

The fact that she knows him, knows he's good friends with you, is the reason. Does she act like this around people she doesn't know?

 

[Maverack]

No, she doesn't. But just today, I'm talking to her on the phone and she goes "Oh did you see him do this/that at the party?" Like she brings him up all the time. It's so annoying, but I can't say anything and make her think that I see him as a threat..

 

[jophil28]

No, she doesn't. But just today, I'm talking to her on the phone and she goes "Oh did you see him do this/that at the party?" Like she brings him up all the time. It's so annoying, but I can't say anything and make her think that I see him as a threat..

She is creating a "triangle" to squeeze some male "attention juice" for herself .
Most women would love to go out with two guys - two for the price of one.
However she is getting more than one woman's share of attention here. She feels SAFE flirting with him in front of you BECAUSE it is acknowledged that he is only your good buddy.
However she has boxed you in somewhat here. IF you protest about her spending time with him, you come off as a possessive d!ck .IF you don't your resentment rises silently.

I think that she is exploiting your reluctance to complain.

You need to break up the triangle which she has created and take your power back. Next time she suggests going somewhere with you, go proactive and suggest that she and your buddy goes instead of you. Tell her that you have something else to do and you need to go alone - and DO IT. Let her imagination do the rest.

 

[Phyzzle]

You need to break up the triangle which she has created and take your power back. Next time she suggests going somewhere with you, go proactive and suggest that she and your buddy goes instead of you. Tell her that you have something else to do and you need to go alone - and DO IT. Let her imagination do the rest.

Well I don't know about all that. It's enough to disappear for a while if she's bothering you.

Now I do trust my buddy but he doesn't help matters at all when he's always trying to brag to my gf and outright lying to try to impress her.

That's obnoxious, and that also gives you an option to put an end to this situation, if you want.

What's he lying about? Anything major? I guess he's telling her about his six figure salary (when he's a telemarketer). If you want to end this, the next time she asks "what's Dave up to", tell her that you going to hang out with him less because he keeps making up all this weird sh!t that you know isn't true. (You don't actually have to hang out with him less.) Explain how you know he's full of crap. The seed of doubt will be sown, and it will be really hard for her to maintain any kind of interest in him.

 

[decades]

This might be worrisome but we need more context. For instance, is your GF a naturally flirty woman? (not good) Are there any red flags with her personality? As for your buddy, what are his ethics? Imagine that you had a 10 day business trip to Europe. How would you feel? Would you trust her, him, both, neither? To my way of thinking, it's not a good sign that this is going on. The problem lies as much with your buddy as her. How strong is your relationship with GF? I would not make the suggestion that they go out together and then see what happens. That's passive aggressive. Instead, I would suggest she invite one of her GFs along the next time you both go out. And that will provide the opportunity to turn the tables on her and "educate" her on her behavior. And what's the deal with you always inviting your buddy along when you are out with GF? That seems rather odd to me and is an example of you setting the table for them. Triangles are nasty nasty things when you are in them. But I agree with Guru on this. Most men are in them because of weakness demonstrated over time with AFC behavior.

 

[reset]

She's been flirting with this guy in front of you for two years?

I think this is normal when she's feeling you out, to see how you react, if you are the jealous type. But it shouldn't make it into an actual relationship.

 

[SharpGame]

It's so annoying, but I can't say anything and make her think that I see him as a threat..

But if you say nothing she'll just keep escalating to see if you have any boundaries and where they are. I agree that you can't say anything that will make her think he's a threat to you, but you do need to say something. If it's bothering you then you should trust your gut.

The key is to approach her with the right mindset. Don't go to her and sound like you're whining to your mommy and that you want her to make it all better. Approach her as a confident man with conviction who finds her behavior unacceptable and she needs to get back in line if she wants to continue being with you. But be cool about it. The threat of you leaving can be implied, you don't neccessarily have to be explicit about it right away.

I'd also have a talk with your buddy and tell him straight out that he needs to cool it. If he's a good friend, he should respect that.

Also work on making sure your frame is stronger than your friend's. Out alpha him and be the fun guy, the center.

 

[NewMan]

No, she doesn't. But just today, I'm talking to her on the phone and she goes "Oh did you see him do this/that at the party?" Like she brings him up all the time. It's so annoying, but I can't say anything and make her think that I see him as a threat..

Take control of your life and relationship.

Next time she says something like this to you, nip it in the bud. This whole thing about you looking weak or jealous is BS. You will not look jealous if you do it in the right way and manner. Keep things even and un-emotional but something along the lines of....

"Wow - your keeping a close eye on him aren't you. What's the deal with that?"

If you form it as part of a question, then it's much better because your not adding any of your emotional input into it.

Just ask her point blank - she'll get the message very quickly.

 

[reset]

Also work on making sure your frame is stronger than your friend's. Out alpha him and be the fun guy, the center.

The only thing about this is women can tell when you're trying too hard. If you "try" to be more fun and be more dominant, especially when the other guy's around, this says "I'm intimidated by this guy so watch as I show off to try to steal some of his value."

Same thing if you pick on him or try to put him down in her presence.

I'm of the mind that you don't need to do this really. She can choose who she wants to be with. If she prefers to spend time with someone else, or at least gives you this impression... let her. He can have her.

Something seems wrong about competing for women. As soon as you think you've got competition, it's already over.

 

[decades]

Also work on making sure your frame is stronger than your friend's. Out alpha him and be the fun guy, the center.

No you don't want to do this. This is Exactly what she wants, two guys fighting over her by trying to be the alpha male. It's on her. Don't play the game of validating yourself to her and condoning her behavior, which is inappropriate. This is what you would do if a woman set herself up on a pedestal as the prize. Don't make her the prize by fighting over her. Be the prize. If you have to out Alpha your Best friend with your own GF, something is seriously Fd' up.

 

[SharpGame]

Yeah, you're right - I didn't mean to imply that you should be fighting over her. What I should've said is "Also work on making sure your frame is stronger than what it is right now."

 

[realsmoothie]

Hi all. Looking for some serious advice.

I've got my gf of 2 years. And I've got my buddy of over 10 years.

My gf is good looking and gets lots of compliments.

Now my buddy is no slouch, he's not ugly or anything and gets his fair share of play, which is probably why he's been my buddy for so long lol.

But he's been in a bit of a slump lately and he's a bit desperate for female attention.

Anyways, every once in a while all 3 of us hang out together. Go out to the bar etc.

But they always seem kind of flirty together. Like if all 3 of us are walking somewhere, she'll be walking beside him and won't even bother to try to catch up to me if I'm walking ahead.

During the week she'll ask at least twice, "What is dave up to?" Like, wtf would she even ask that? I don't ask what her friends are doing nor do I care.

Now I do trust my buddy but he doesn't help matters at all when he's always trying to brag to my gf and outright lying to try to impress her.

I dunno, so far there hasn't been anything that has crossed the line, but I get an uneasy feeling about it. Maybe I'm just being jealous or overprotective?

Plus my gf is always complimenting him on everything from his clothing to his job or whatever. It's weird to me.

What's the verdict? Am I being irrational about this or not?

This is not an issue. He's a guy, they get along, be happy with that. She's still dating you, right?

But, if you're feeling there's a problem, then that says something about your confidence in yourself.

 

[jophil28]

I'll say this much, the last thing you should be doing is rewarding her for her bad behavior. Don't get negative or anything, but do not reward her. If you start vying for her attention or giving her attention when she's around him it'll only encourage her (even if subconsciously) .

Yes,
THe trick here is to withdraw your attention from her whenevr she gives your buddy some of hers. It may be passive aggressive but so what .

THis is a "triangle " of her own making. and you do not have many options.

Take away from her what she is giving him.

 

[slaog]

She must know what she's doing. If she does then it's time to get tough.


Has she any friends of her own? Maybe a taste of her own medicine would make her realise whats she's doing. Actually start flirting with any girl to show her. She can't complain.

 

[broken dreams]

Dude, that guy isnt your friend


why the **** if he is your friend allow that he should jusyt disqualify and not be too try hard.

you have to box him out abit.

do they talk on the phone?

She is attarcted to him dude and you being unreactive its ok but its kindah going to another level here.

I dont mean to fight with her that will be too easy for her to disqualify you in a sec! especially if she flirts with other men infront of you.

I recomment Matt hutson train your grielfriend book dude.

It complete how you frame your relationship with a woman..now back to this dude.


It has nothing to do with confidence #1
#2 you know whats up you notice this,your gut instinct is telling you this right? so you have the option to plan ahead how you will resolve this issue and learn something valuable whether or not his relationship will work or not.

#3 try to keep friends and GF separate dude! I have friends that are good at ****ing women theyve met in minutes at a club and are cool guys but they will **** you GF if he is attracted..no matter what , he will do it behind your back.thus creates a fantasy for the woman..so avoid this **** of goin out with GF and your buddy.

#4- disqualify him by mantioning he has some STD or herpes or some**** like that next time she brings him up in the convo...you say


"ohh man yeah ____insert name___ I feel sorry for him he is such a nice guy and a friend but Im telling you this cause you are my GF .OK you promise not to tell anyone...

he called me for advice cause he has had an issue for a while now and going through medical treatment for STD he got awhile back when he went to ___foreign country to get w h o r e s__

and he doesnt like to control himself by wearing protection in those countrys ...
Imagine yourself getting infected ..consequences on how you spent the rest of your life ?!

I mean ...you know like he pays for them but I cant say more cause he is a nice guy and Im trying to help him get through his insecurities as a friend...so he tries to impress girls all the time to cover up his lack of ......but I say I have to be a good friend and try to understand his issues."


what you think about that!?

what I did is NLP pattern by elicit values and anchor him to a negative sight and con nsequences ... you have to rehearse and be congruent and believeable say it at a slow pace and a little dramatic...
after that change topic about something fun and happy that way you work on her emotions ...this will mess her head up a bit.
after this dont talk about him again or bring this up...ever!

look and reserach some STD's online and when she tries to ask you about it you know like its been awhile that youve known this and you are a good person.

This is very machiavellian like but it can work this will defiantely get her away or grossed out from him and you openeinly talk about him in that light,

like you are a good friend helping him..so you wont come off as jealous....

remmebr cable guy with jim carey ...thats what you want to do.

have other people judge him and keep your hands clean

 

[broken dreams]

Instead, I would suggest she invite one of her GFs along the next time you both go out. And that will provide the opportunity to turn the tables on her and "educate" her on her behavior. And what's the deal with you always inviting your buddy along when you are out with GF? That seems rather odd to me and is an example of you setting the table for them. Triangles are nasty nasty things when you are in them. But I agree with Guru on this. Most men are in them because of weakness demonstrated over time with AFC behavior.

Oh this is money, yeah set it up as a double date with a new friend and then say your new friend couldnt show up last minute..there you go

 

[jophil28]

She must know what she's doing. If she does then it's time to get tough.


Has she any friends of her own? Maybe a taste of her own medicine would make her realise whats she's doing. Actually start flirting with any girl to show her. She can't complain.

She will certainly complain, and loudly. You forget that women have NO problem with double standards. Consistency and fair play are MALE notions.
Women see these as restrictive and quite unneccessary....unless circumstances arise in which SHE is disadvantaged..

 

[SharpGame]

She must know what she's doing. If she does then it's time to get tough.


Has she any friends of her own? Maybe a taste of her own medicine would make her realise whats she's doing. Actually start flirting with any girl to show her. She can't complain.

In my experience, women don't correlate actions very well. If you start flirting with other women in front of her, maybe she'll pick up that you're giving her a taste of her own medicine, maybe (probably) she won't. But one thing's for certain, she'll hold it over your head for the rest of your relationship.

 

[Sinistar]

This post is yet another great example of how naturally women play the game of attraction, relationships, etc.

The OP should know this - a woman that has her interest+desire running at near 100% would never do this. But she is. Why?

Maybe the first post contains more info than you thought. You are 29 and have going out with (and I'm assuming eventually living with) this girl for 2yrs. I have noticed that women start to get weird somewhere between 6mo and 2yrs when the relationship does not escalate to the next level. Their endgame is a marriage, kids, house, etc. But you haven't brought her to that point. So somewhere inside her the game starts playing at another level.

So now she knows she has you (notice you are firmly in her frame!). You are providing much of the security she needs yet you are not providing some of the insecurity she needs. You are stable, dependable and predictable. She wants that after getting the ring and a baby. So she starts feeling something around this other guy (your buddy). She starts spending time with him, getting flirty and mentioning him more and more often. How many guys here have been dumped for another guy only to find out it was the guy she was mentioning. Women are great - even when they are living with us and seemingly committed they will drop hints as to what branch they've got their other hand on.

She has put you in a no-win situation ... no-win for you that is. She has done this naturally and with no premeditation. She is just feeling all of this and reacting to it.

If you try to act as if it doesn't phase you - it's still just acting. Clearly your gut is going off. And rarely will a guy in a perfectly decent situation go to the effort of posting - am I right?

If you say something it will give her good reason to feel more negative towards you and to balance that she's going to need to feel more positive vibes from someone else. Right now, that would most likely be your buddy.

A women in her situation probably won't play the game by honor and dignity and honesty. She is going to play this out by their feelings.

She's slowly screwing you over (or looking out for herself!) in more ways that one. You say something to her and she'll turn it on you. You play the game back on her and she'll play it back on you even worse. You act wrongly and you're buddy will turn on you and her or at least you. You ask her to marry you and it will just be worse later because you asked under the guise of saving a relationship not because it's exactly what you wanted.

There's an irony here - you are probably as much (or more) to blame than her. When the relationship passed the point where she wanted ultimate commitment either you didn't step up or she withdrew (in which case you left that out). If you are living together - well there's way too many threads on why that is just the recipe for this potential disaster. More recently, you didn't draw a line that would make her respect you so now's doing exactly what a woman will do - sh!t test you in one the most effective ways - showing attention to another guy in front of you.

Oh yeah, did you notice one other thing. This is a clear example of you chasing that which runs away from you. She hasn't ran away, but she took a very noticeable step. Our guts always go off when we feel this need to close the distance again. Now if you more indifferent, it wouldn't matter but then again she never would have opened up to this guy if you were maintaining a healthy amount of perceived indifference from her POV.

Do you really love this woman? Do you really want to be with her for the long haul? Why are you currently in this situation? Where are her healthy girlfriends? Has she always owned the frame? Too many questions.