Girlfriend and my friend too flirty?

Sinistar

Master Don Juan
Joined
Sep 15, 2005
Messages
550
Reaction score
31
Luke!! said:
Are your friend and her close enough that they would keep contact after a break up? I suggest a break up if not. If they won't keep contact just tell her that you need time apart. It will make her wonder and also it could save from possible cheating behind your back. You may lose the girl but trust me it will help your confidence alot more when she goes for your friend after the break up then cheating during the relationship.
...if they are living together (unconfirmed at this point) then this isn't really an option.

Another thing I forgot to mention. Is it possible your buddy has the onset of one-itis for your GF since he's in a slump? A lack of options is the breeding ground for one-itis. Maybe you could point out this site (he sounds like he'd be open to it) and then talk about being AFC, one-itis, etc. Maybe he'll get the point with you ever having to make it.

Also, watch your GF's behaviour once your buddy starts hooking up again. If she's happy, no longer fixating on him and throwing attention back your way then maybe just maybe this isn't such a big deal. However, if your buddy hooks up and either party starts acting weird then you know there's way more going on.

Maybe the best solution is to get your buddy laid isn't that what friends are for :)
 

NewMan

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jul 29, 2003
Messages
2,406
Reaction score
16
Location
Los Angeles
There is far to much going on here - and in reality it's not that difficult. This will be a minor situation compatred to what he will deal with throughout his life - and how he deals with these kinds of situations will set the stall for his future (if any) relationship with her.

He needs to directly approach her and talk to her. keep emotions out of it, but plainly ask why she's so interested in hanging with him/knowing where he is/what he's doing etc.

Cut this off at the knees - either way, you will find out where you stand - better now than later.

Time to do what real men do.
 

Jitterbug

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jan 12, 2008
Messages
3,218
Reaction score
142
I'm surprised that you haven't tried to get your GF to help you hook your buddy up with one of her chick friends. Problems solved on many fronts.
 

Sinistar

Master Don Juan
Joined
Sep 15, 2005
Messages
550
Reaction score
31
Jitterbug said:
I'm surprised that you haven't tried to get your GF to help you hook your buddy up with one of her chick friends. Problems solved on many fronts.
...and if the GF balks, stalls or starts acting strange after she does hook him up then the OP also knows his answer. Maybe before confronting her, a final data point would be to casually mention to the GF that she should help in hooking him up. Be rather explict and have fun with it. Point a few women that you know that are friggin' hot (ideally ones she would perceive to be hotter than herself). Then judge her reaction (is she protective or supportive) and where she goes with the conversation. All this will get you is a data point but you can have some fun with it if done right.
 

STR8UP

Master Don Juan
Joined
Aug 10, 2002
Messages
6,911
Reaction score
123
I would normally say "Don't even worry about it", but if your buddy is bragging and trying to impress her and such....that's not good.

I get along good with one of my buddy's g/f's. He's kind of the jealous type, and one time when they were "on a break" (I know....high school stuff) he called me up and basically said he didn't want to hang out with me if I continued to talk to her, as he didn't want anything to do with anyone who was in contact with her.

I could see right through it. He was basically saying that if I fukked her we wouldn't be cool anymore.

They got back together a week later and now things are cool again (she calls me from time to time for business or personal reasons and he knows about it and is cool with it), but I lost a little respect for him when he basically said I had to choose between the two of them, then he goes right back to her a week later (this was a good year and a half ago!).

The thing is with my situation, his g/f may actually be attracted to me, as many people have commented on the way she acts around me. Maybe he picked up on this. He probably did. But I think he was in a lose/lose situation and he only made himself look like a chump by confronting me. I don't think I ever did anything (such as bragging and trying to impress her) that would cause him to think that I was hitting on his woman which makes it that much worse on him.
 

NewMan

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jul 29, 2003
Messages
2,406
Reaction score
16
Location
Los Angeles
I don't think I ever did anything (such as bragging and trying to impress her) that would cause him to think that I was hitting on his woman which makes it that much worse on him.
The "I don't think" is the key word here.

Were you not the one who posted a while back and said that you would have no problem banging a buddy's ex?
 

Maverack

Don Juan
Joined
Aug 27, 2007
Messages
13
Reaction score
0
Wow, hey didn't know there'd be so much interest in this, but I guess it's something we can all relate to.

Anyways, guess I should answer a few questions.

No, we don't live together.

I'm pretty good at controlling things, I've been around and I know the games girls play (well, most of them :) ) I've got a lot more going for me in my life than my friend, not to say he's a deadbeat, but it's just the way it is.

Now I do love this girl, but I'm not the kind of guy that goes head over heels, wanting marriage etc. I usually play it cool, I've got a good future ahead of me and if this relationship ends, another will come along. It's not my first LTR, and may not be my last.

She doesn't talk to him on the phone. I have no reason to suspect they have eachother's phone numbers or email or anything.

We've only hung out, the three of us, maybe 3 or 4 times now, so it's not like they've spent a lot of time together.

It's not like this was a major thing, but I'm very perceptive and I like to figure things out way before they amount to anything substantial, which is why I'm trying to figure this out right now.

Basically, all that's happened is, she's started mentioning him more the last couple of weeks (maybe twice a week or something), and we've hung out (the 3 of us) I think 2 times in the past month.

Here's a more specific example of what happened. We're leaving the bar, and we're walking out, I walk a little more quickly, my buddy lags behind, and my girlfriend walks beside him almost the whole way to the car. I keep my distance to see if she catches up to me, but she keeps walking beside him. Whether this was because she was actually interested in a convo with him, or is trying to make me jealous, I don't know, maybe a bit of both.

I would expect a woman to want to stay glued to my side, not act like that. Maybe I'm irrational about that?

When we go to get burgers after, I almost feel like the 3rd wheel at this point, as she is engaging in convo with him pretty much non-stop. I don't appear to care as I'm cracking jokes and doing my own thing. But I notice that when I do say something, she's not really that attentive and turns back to continue conversing with my friend. She is asking him about different girls he has dated and whatnot.

Now to me, it almost seems like she's just purposely trying to get my jealous. She does have a jealous streak.

The other thing that bothered me was the next day she's saying how he's a pimp and whatnot because he talked to a few girls at the bar. Telling me jokingly how she doesn't want me going out with him. And mentioning that the girls were pretty. But then at the same time she says "oh maybe he's desperate". Arg those mixed signals!

So anyways, I'm pretty intuitive with women and usually know what's up, but this is confusing me. Either this is a bad sign and I should bail on this relationship soon, or she is just genuinely interested in my friends (platonically) and wants to get to know them (not their weiners).
 

Sinistar

Master Don Juan
Joined
Sep 15, 2005
Messages
550
Reaction score
31
Maverack said:
So anyways, I'm pretty intuitive with women and usually know what's up, but this is confusing me. Either this is a bad sign and I should bail on this relationship soon, or she is just genuinely interested in my friends (platonically) and wants to get to know them (not their weiners).
...there's that word.

Thankfully you don't live together. Plus you don't really sound all that committed to her. Often guys are on her saying they can easily move on yet in the same thread they're posting about how a woman's behaviour is bothering them. Incongruity. Is it fair to expect a plate (even at 2yrs) to never stray from your side.

Some are saying have the talk, lay down the law, respect, etc. Others are saying just brush it off and pass the test by not taking it, indifference, etc. And somewhere in the middle is the use of a takeaway or trying to get her to help your buddy get laid to get more cards on the table. Keep us posted.
 

socialdj

Don Juan
Joined
Dec 28, 2005
Messages
16
Reaction score
0
Age
43
Just ignore it. rule #1 never show jealousy. Act as if you dont care. However if she is going to cheat on you with your best friend there is nothing that you can do about it. ITS UP TO HER!
Just act like the stronger person and lead the way like the confident man you are. Eventually things will take their place. Don't try to get mad or ignore her or get mad as a way to punish her because all that will cause is a reason for her to call your friend up and ask him about you. Keep them separated as much as possible. In other words. Don't take them out together. Just keep it cool and all will be fine.
 

STR8UP

Master Don Juan
Joined
Aug 10, 2002
Messages
6,911
Reaction score
123
NewMan said:
The "I don't think" is the key word here.

Were you not the one who posted a while back and said that you would have no problem banging a buddy's ex?
I do not recall saying anything of the sort.
 

MetalFortress

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jun 28, 2003
Messages
3,273
Reaction score
22
Location
Keesler AFB, Mississippi
Haha if she's flirted with him for 2 years but it has never gone anywhere besides just flirting, then she's probably doing it to tie your balls in a knot. Maybe you subconsciously start trying to "compete" for her more or be jealous for her more, even if you don't realize it, and it makes her feel wanted and protected when you do so. So she's playin' ya for it.
 

MacAvoy

Banned
Joined
May 10, 2003
Messages
2,940
Reaction score
35
Location
Northern Ontario
I'd say your in a good position and from your last post, you know what your doing. I wouldn't be too worried but I would stop going out as a 3 some for about 3 weeks at least to nip it in the but. Play it cool, like he has other plans on times when you go out.

Invite a totally different friend to see how she acts around him. I think thats your best guage of what she is doing, ie trying to get you jealous vs is actually attracted to him. Try to invite an even sexier / funnier friend this time.
 

broken dreams

Senior Don Juan
Joined
Jul 1, 2008
Messages
251
Reaction score
0
Location
new york city , bit-chezz
keep it simple and mirror her..give her a lesson

Dude If you try to figure out **** it will take you forever!

theres a saying by David deangelo that there are people that spend their entire life studying other people...dont figure out "why?"

Do what you have to do and go straight to the point...

DISQUALIFY your friend.... of course to your girl.. read my previous post I broke it down step by step on the std thing I bet she will try to connect some dots and insecurities and **** ...women try to connect dots.. (remmebr you quoted mixed signals ?)

dont worry about your friend..he will live LoL

SO THIS ISNT ABOUT YOUR FRIEND ANYMORE

Its about you! now!

dont test her or **** like that...mirror her behavior and get her to obsess over you.

Its your turn to turn the tables.

Its sounds selfish and evil but hey ...pick who you want to be?

broken hearted guy .... or ... the guy that makes the moves

set the double date with your phantom new friend that is supposed to move into town and set it up...at last minute have her friend come in....make sure her friend is hot! and attractive

why? This will increase your social proof and reverse and trigger her jealousy....most of all enjoy it make it fun ! make sure her friend has fun! make some eye contact when you girl isnt looking....

this will drive your grilfriend to jealousy land then ...at her peak of jealousy you bail out and go have sex ...yeah right away !

Yeah kind of like make up sex thing.....

she will erase your friend from her mind after this lesson

Dont tell her you did this intentionally EVER!

this isnt a solution but its a start....
 

decades

Master Don Juan
Joined
Aug 3, 2004
Messages
1,224
Reaction score
35
Location
sf ca
She isn't going to "erase" your friend from her mind for any reason. why? because she is attracted to him. Plain and simple. Now that does not mean she has to act on this attraction. A lot of the solutions presented here are about how to manipulate the situation so that he is out of the picture or make it so that they don't meet or communicate and then all will be well. Like trying to help him find his own GF, get him laid, etc. That's not your problem, and it's the wrong approach anyway. Trying to "Control" or direct either of them is not going to work in the long run. When two people want to see each other, desire each other, they Will find a way. Especially in this day and age when everyone is connected via mobile Internet you name it. The only thing you have control over is doing your level best to be with a woman who you believe has the highest character and ethics, a woman who is mature and knows herself and what she wants out of life, and most importantly Wants You. Many women are just marking time with the man in their life. That's all you can do because people are going to do what they will do, you can't set up circumstances to control Them. The same goes for choosing your friends. If you lie down with dogs you will get up with fleas.
 
Last edited:

Sinistar

Master Don Juan
Joined
Sep 15, 2005
Messages
550
Reaction score
31
PE you called out what matters most. If these guys have mutual desire there will be no stopping it and trying to control it will only make it worse (or happen faster). Ideally the OP could find this out sooner to save from being tooled for another 2-3 months. But saying or doing anything overt (demanding respect, talking to either of them, trying to keep them apart or trying direct push/pull techniques) will most likely only drive them closer together at this point given their comfort with each other. As many have said already, a woman who is really into the OP will not put him in this situation in the first place - especially to the point where he is compelled to seek advice. Posting is often the first hint that the problem is worse than one would like.
 

KingBeef

Master Don Juan
Joined
May 11, 2001
Messages
804
Reaction score
116
Location
Queens, New York
Sinistar said:
PE you called out what matters most. If these guys have mutual desire there will be no stopping it and trying to control it will only make it worse (or happen faster). Ideally the OP could find this out sooner to save from being tooled for another 2-3 months. But saying or doing anything overt (demanding respect, talking to either of them, trying to keep them apart or trying direct push/pull techniques) will most likely only drive them closer together at this point given their comfort with each other. As many have said already, a woman who is really into the OP will not put him in this situation in the first place - especially to the point where he is compelled to seek advice. Posting is often the first hint that the problem is worse than one would like.

My words exactly:up:
 

abcd_z

Senior Don Juan
Joined
Jun 28, 2003
Messages
305
Reaction score
8
Location
Oslo, Norway
What, nobody thought to mention a jealousy plotline here?
Honestly, it should be standard operating procedure for any guy when his woman is trying to make him jealous.

Her: "Oh, have you seen [other guy] today? What was he doing?"
You: "No, but I did bump into an old classmate of mine today. It's weird too. You know how some people can pick up after 5 years of never having seen each other, like they'd just seen each other yesterday? Well, that's how it was with her. She was a bit giggly, that was weird. I don't remember her being like that last time we met, but whatever. She made me give her my number, maybe I'll hear from her again."
Her: *nonplussed*

That's just as an example. Obviously, you want to use something that's closer to actual events, just because it can be difficult to make stuff up on the spot. Of course, if you're meeting new people like you really should be doing anyways, this will not be a problem for you.
Or:
Her: "Oh, hi [other guy]! How have you been? Blah blah blah I'm totally interested in you blah blah ignoring my bf!"
You: Drift off and start talking to the nearest attractive woman you can find. Remember, you're not attached at the hip, no matter how much she wants you to believe it.

In either case, expect to field sh*t for that. When she does test you on it (probably as soon as you're not in public), you'll need a C+F attitude and a strong frame or you'll be in a worse position than where you started.
 

Maverack

Don Juan
Joined
Aug 27, 2007
Messages
13
Reaction score
0
General consensus seems to be it's somewhat a lose-lose situation. See I'm the type of guy who, instead of trying to keep them apart, decide to not manipulate the situation at all and let it play out.

I think as soon as I noticed these things, in my head I put her on a "just about to be dumped" status. I think trying to keep them apart will be somewhat obvious, so I just go with the flow. If he invites me over on the weekend to chill, I'll invite the gf. This way, if something is up, or I just don't like the way she's acting, I'll find out very soon and dump her.

I would rather do this, and have to dump her, than make an effort to keep them separated, and always wonder in the back of my head "what was she really thinking about him?"

Like I've mentioned, I've been in other LTRs, and I've never felt this way, so that tells me that she is either up to some mind games, or is up to something more devious.

I'll let you guys know what happens after this weekend, as this situation may arise.
 
Top