GF going out to bars

[WORKEROUTER]

If it came off that way, then you misunderstood. I am basically saying, don't worry about it. Go do your own thing when shes out. IF, only IF she makes a fuss about it, let her know that you both have lives outside of eachother, and you're willing to meet up with her on a couple occasions, but you will continue to do your own thing here and there.

Totally agree with you there. She knows this already though. I've made thee mistake of NOT having a life outside a gf before, and it's ended badly.

Let me give you an example. I talked to her for a few minutes today. Just kinda asking her how's she's doing, etc. I told her we'll get together tomorrow, and that she can call me tomorrow night. She said she's going to hang out with friends tonight, I said that's cool, and I told her to have fun.

Meanwhile, I'll be out doing my own thing.

 

[Skilla_Staz]

Gotchya. I guess I'm lost as to what the problem is.

 

[Pimp-sicle]

I might get flammed for this but I'll say it anyways. Have you ever thought about sending a couple buddies whom she doesn't know who are 21 and over, or who have a fake id to the same bar as her?? They could observe her actions and have a good idea about whether this girl is TRUELY just out having fun or if she's having her cake and eating it too.

Yes I know all that DJ stuff about not stooping to that level, or if he has to do that then he should just bail on this chick BUT its just a idea.


I personally think you might be acting a little naive to the situation. I'm not saying she's cheating on you, but honestly when you start going to bars when your of age you'll understand what were trying to say a little bit better. However if it doesn't bother you that much then just drop it and like other have said continue on and do your thing. However I would be inclined to assume that it DOES bother you more than normal since your posting about it here.




PIMP

 

[Blusher]

If we were in the Mature Man forum, I would tell you that a girl that goes out to bars twice a week to drink with her friends is not LTR material. But then again, you're 19 and she's 21 so she's probably too inexperimented to be considered Long Term Material anyway so just take it easy, enjoy this relationship for what it is but do not refrain from spinning a couple more plates.

 

[WORKEROUTER]

I might get flammed for this but I'll say it anyways. Have you ever thought about sending a couple buddies whom she doesn't know who are 21 and over, or who have a fake id to the same bar as her?? They could observe her actions and have a good idea about whether this girl is TRUELY just out having fun or if she's having her cake and eating it too.

Yes I know all that DJ stuff about not stooping to that level, or if he has to do that then he should just bail on this chick BUT its just a idea.


I personally think you might be acting a little naive to the situation. I'm not saying she's cheating on you, but honestly when you start going to bars when your of age you'll understand what were trying to say a little bit better. However if it doesn't bother you that much then just drop it and like other have said continue on and do your thing. However I would be inclined to assume that it DOES bother you more than normal since your posting about it here.




PIMP

Part of the reason I feel bothered by it is that I feel like I can't know exactly what is going on in bars--the idea of being "naive" in your words.

I have a good older buddy who can go out and give me an honest answer here.

 

[WORKEROUTER]

If we were in the Mature Man forum, I would tell you that a girl that goes out to bars twice a week to drink with her friends is not LTR material. But then again, you're 19 and she's 21 so she's probably too inexperimented to be considered Long Term Material anyway so just take it easy, enjoy this relationship for what it is but do not refrain from spinning a couple more plates.

Oh, and read the answers I posted to your questions. Elaborate also on the ways in which I might be naive here.

 

[Blusher]

Oh, and read the answers I posted to your questions. Elaborate also on the ways in which I might be naive here.

I think you're doin fine actually. AFC's your age would make a big fuss about it or ignore the issue altogether. The right way to deal with it is to reflect on the situation in terms of what you find acceptable, how it makes you feel and how you want to adress the issue with your girl. Spying on her or trying to impose dictatorial rules is barely the way to go about it as I strongl believe that you cannot change people nor control them. It has to come from her.

While I understand that this might sound a bit frustrating, you have to aknowledge the fact that you're both young and in spite of the feelings you have developped for each other, it is more than likely that someday you two will take separate roads and move on.

You have to know, not fear, that one day it may end.

In the meantime, the only thing I can advise is that you take a step back and do the things that make you feel good about yourself: chatting up girls, sports, playing music whatever gives you a positive feeling about yourself and free your mind of these worries.

Then you will have a more serene view on all this and you will be able to have a serious but non-confrontational conversation with her about how it makes you feel to know she's going out twice a week to drink with her friends. If she cares for you and how you feel, if she likes spending time with you, then she will progressively modify her bar outings patterns.

But don't try to force it on her. Take it as an opportunity to measure the interest and respect she has for you. If she disappoints you, then move on, there are plenty of good things ahead of you.

And one last thing, dont be too hard on yourself for worrying about her whereabouts. It happens to all of us at some point. Wondering if she's out flirting with another man doesn't make you an AFC or a lesser man. Hell! Even Napoleon Bonaparte who conquered most of Western Europe at some point had such petty concerns and he was about as alpha-male as one can possibly be!

 

[WORKEROUTER]

I think you're doin fine actually. AFC's your age would make a big fuss about it or ignore the issue altogether. The right way to deal with it is to reflect on the situation in terms of what you find acceptable, how it makes you feel and how you want to adress the issue with your girl. Spying on her or trying to impose dictatorial rules is barely the way to go about it as I strongl believe that you cannot change people nor control them. It has to come from her.

While I understand that this might sound a bit frustrating, you have to aknowledge the fact that you're both young and in spite of the feelings you have developped for each other, it is more than likely that someday you two will take separate roads and move on.

You have to know, not fear, that one day it may end.

In the meantime, the only thing I can advise is that you take a step back and do the things that make you feel good about yourself: chatting up girls, sports, playing music whatever gives you a positive feeling about yourself and free your mind of these worries.

Then you will have a more serene view on all this and you will be able to have a serious but non-confrontational conversation with her about how it makes you feel to know she's going out twice a week to drink with her friends. If she cares for you and how you feel, if she likes spending time with you, then she will progressively modify her bar outings patterns.

But don't try to force it on her. Take it as an opportunity to measure the interest and respect she has for you. If she disappoints you, then move on, there are plenty of good things ahead of you.

And one last thing, dont be too hard on yourself for worrying about her whereabouts. It happens to all of us at some point. Wondering if she's out flirting with another man doesn't make you an AFC or a lesser man. Hell! Even Napoleon Bonaparte who conquered most of Western Europe at some point had such petty concerns and he was about as alpha-male as one can possibly be!

Hey thanks for that. You're totally right. I'm not going to fall into the trap of getting overly aggressive about it.

 

[Jariel]

l believe that you cannot change people nor control them. It has to come from her.

This is a very important fact we'd all do well to realise. As DJs we have higher odds of attracting and keeping a woman, but we cannot control them. What we can do, however, is control ourselves - make ourselves fun to be with, even addictive, so that they want to spend their time with us and have no temptation to cheat.

Unlike others have suggested, I'd strongly advise against hitting on other women unless you're certain she's being unfaithful. If she suspects you are a player or someone sees you, then she is going to feel justified in playing the field herself and never trust you enough to commit to a relationship. It might even drive her to cheat.

If you are concerned, don't be afraid to talk to her about it. My girlfriend has always been a little insecure and suspected I'm a player and last week she told me so. She said "I give you my word I won't cheat on you. Can you promise me the same?" and I promised her. We agreed if it ever came to that point, we would break up rather than cheat. I think talking to your girlfriend and making a similar agreement might be worth a try and put your mind at rest.

 

[Latinoman]

For the longest time, yeah, I thought there was a big difference there, until I met my fiance about 7 years ago.

I met her in a bank where she worked as a teller. This bank was one block from my house. Not only did I have a personal account there, but I also stopped in there frequently because of work accounts as well. We start dating. Eventually things get more serious and she moves in with me. Now, not only did she live in my house, but she worked one block from it. Not only did I see her every night, but I had seen her every day as well because I had to go to this bank daily. Her phone number was my phone number. When her friends called, they called me. I had caller ID all over the damn place, and I knew who was calling when the phone rang. I never let her go out alone to bars and clubs unless I wanted to go out alone, and when I did let her go out, her friends had to come by and pick her up so I can meet them. I always asked where she was going and I always suggested I might stop by with my friends just to say hi and keep moving on, which I sometimes actually did. I knew a lot of people as well, and she would often be surprised to find out I already knew a few of her friends. Basically, this woman had very little to no breathing room to pull of an affair..... but she did it anyway.

The man she cheated on me with wasn't some guy she met in a night club, a bar or a party. He met her the same way I did, in the bank. When she left the apartment to bang this guy, she didn't tell me she was going to a night club, a bar or a party. She told me she was going to baby sit her nieces. She even gave me a phone number to call, which I did call, and there were children there. The truth? These were not her nieces at all. The guy she was banging had two children of his own. They were just waiting for the brats to go to bed.

Since then, I've taken an entirely different approach. I realized that women normally don't cheat because they're drunk and surrounded by men, they cheat because they are unsatisfied, and when that happens, it is going to happen in ways you can't control and never expected. That's actually the goal of someone who cheats: to do it in a way that wouldn't raise suspicions. That's why a grocery store is just as dangerous as a bar, because it has far more to do with intention than atmosphere. If she isn't going to the bars mad and unsatisfied, I wouldn't worry. In fact, if I were in Workerouter's shoes, I'd give her a good bang before she goes. Send her happy. Send her satisfied. Never let her go mad.

This woman was probably already already cheating on you when she went out with her friends. Make no mistake about that.

And she would have cheated on you regardless.


The guy asking for advice is UNhappy. If he is UNhappy, he should identify why. If he feels it is about respect, or whatever...then he should talk to her about it (without telling her what to do or what not to do). If she continues contributing toward his UNhappiness...then he should "next" her.

Simple as that.

 

[Latinoman]

I'm not trying to form resentment here and counteract with similair actions in order to initiate a response like this.

She can do whatever she wants to do. The only thing I can control is whether I tolerate it.

BINGO!

And never use her to engage in illegal activities such as buying alcohol for minors. That's not test of love.

I agree 99% with "Last Man Standing"...with the exception of one thing: I don't agree with ultimatums (with some extreme exceptions).

If the "ultimatum" goes your way...she will eventually resent you.

Trust me on this...do not try and tell her what to do. Instead, tell her what you don't like or what you find disrespectful...let her make the decision. And then you make yours accordingly.

By the way, you seem very mature for a 19 year old man.

 

[frivolousz21]

workrouter-

this thread is filling with guys who have been cheated on and ECT.

your woman is 21 yrs old..she will only be 21 one time.


IF YOU were 21..and didnt go out to bars becasue you 19 yr old gf was at home.and you were my boy..id call you a HUGE pyssy.

on top of that..your young..I am 23...not much older then her..but things RAPIDLY CHANGE AT THIS AGE.

let her have fun..it BY NO MEANS, MEANS SHE is cheating on you.

have fun as well..go out with ur friends when she is gone..do whatever you want..work on getting a fake ID..but let her have her freedom and have fun.

your YOUNG..dont blow it.

I am 23..I love my fiance but she is 7 months pregnant..I have no regrets..but my youth is over and I have to be a man now..you and your woman are young have fun!

and she can buy you alcohal!

 

[Latinoman]

this thread is filling with guys who have been cheated on and ECT.

How can you reach such ridiculous conclusion?

Perhaps MANY of us were in the night scene and bar scene and nightclub scene. I know I was for over 20 years.

 

[frivolousz21]

How can you reach such ridiculous conclusion?

Perhaps MANY of us were in the night scene and bar scene and nightclub scene. I know I was for over 20 years.

because the advice is seem way to personal.

there is no basis because she turned 21 yrs old that she is cheating or will cheat..because she wants to go out and have fun. She is very young..and guys are basically saying if she wants to live her life she will cheat.

if he doesnt watn to worry about this..he can:

1. date a younger woman...
2. stop worrying about it
3. keep worrying and ruin it.

I know many woman who go out and would NEVER cheat on there man.

this site just specializes in the worst possible scenario it seems

 

[Latinoman]

because the advice is seem way to personal.

there is no basis because she turned 21 yrs old that she is cheating or will cheat..because she wants to go out and have fun. She is very young..and guys are basically saying if she wants to live her life she will cheat.

if he doesnt watn to worry about this..he can:

1. date a younger woman...
2. stop worrying about it
3. keep worrying and ruin it.

I know many woman who go out and would NEVER cheat on there man.

this site just specializes in the worst possible scenario it seems

I would say that at least 75-80% of the women in that age group that goes to bars AND get drunk has at least kissed another man or gotten herself grinded by another man. That on itself is cheating. Furthermore, I have seen (several times) women doing their bachelorette parties in bars (wearing the "soon to be bride" ribbon, etc.). And I have seen then engaging in some nasty stuff with some of the men in those nightclubs and bars. Once again, same age group.

I know that for a fact. I have hunted several in the past.

75-80% (based on my observation) of women in the 21-24 age group that get drunk in a nightclub have done something that most men consider cheating. In my eyes that's not "worst case scenario". In my eyes...that's the norm.

 

[frivolousz21]

I would say that at least 75-80% of the women in that age group that goes to bars AND get drunk has at least kissed another man or gotten herself grinded by another man. That on itself is cheating. Furthermore, I have seen (several times) women doing their bachelorette parties in bars (wearing the "soon to be bride" ribbon, etc.). And I have seen then engaging in some nasty stuff with some of the men in those nightclubs and bars. Once again, same age group.

I know that for a fact. I have hunted several in the past.

75-80% (based on my observation) of women in the 21-24 age group that get drunk in a nightclub have done something that most men consider cheating. In my eyes that's not "worst case scenario". In my eyes...that's the norm.

maybe this is a product of where you are from.

I live in st louis..and I have never seeen 80 percent of people at a bar or club kiss or grind on anyone in my life.

infact..Im not discrediting you...but I just dont believe you.

 

[S1NN3R]

75-80% (based on my observation) of women in the 21-24 age group that get drunk in a nightclub have done something that most men consider cheating.

Let's clarifiy a few things....

A) Those women are doing things that you would consider cheating. You are not most men, do not assume to speak for the rest of us.

B) I'm in Vegas where the sluttiest people in the world come to play, and I don't even see close to this 75-80% number that you made up participating in the actions you're describing. I might see two or three girls making out with guys at the clubs and way less than half "grinding" on the dance floors.

C) Unless you go up to every girl and ask her if the guy she's grinding is her boyfriend of if her boyfriend is waiting at home for her to be done, then you're statement of who does what is completely null and void. A huge percentage of the girls that go to nightclubs are single and looking to hook-up. So of course they're going to be acting in an overtly sexual manner. You can't judge the possible actions of someone's girlfriend by the actions of girls who are trying to get laid.

D) Oh no! A girl had fun at a Bachelorette Party! What is the world coming to?!?

You don't know anything for a fact. You know what you want to think and you back it up by making up unrealistic "stats". I find you funny....

 

[Latinoman]

maybe this is a product of where you are from.

I live in st louis..and I have never seeen 80 percent of people at a bar or club kiss or grind on anyone in my life.

infact..Im not discrediting you...but I just dont believe you.

You have not seen 80% of people doing that. Because 80% of that people in those bars are NOT

- women in the 21-24 range
- that happen to be DRUNK
- with a boyfriend that happens to be at "home"

What I'm saying is that if ten 21-24 year old women...that makes a habit of getting drunk EVERY TIME they go out...and leave their boyfriend home...2 of them won't be doing either the grinding or giving the digits or kissing or any other disrespectful thing.

If that bar in St. Louis has 100 people...and only 10 of those people are the women in the category I just described (21-24, drunk, and with boyfriend at home)...then you won't see 80% of the people doing that. You will only see 80% of the ten I described above (not 80% of the 100).

 

[PRMoon]

I would say that at least 75-80% of the women in that age group that goes to bars AND get drunk has at least kissed another man or gotten herself grinded by another man. That on itself is cheating.

Where are you from? Because I want to go there. Most of the girls I see at night clubs are dancing with other girls. I can't give percentages like you're dealing out here but If I were to GUESS I'd say no more then 20% of the occupancy of girls is doing what you're dictating.

How is grinding cheating? There's no exchange of fluids and what it comes down to is dancing. I've been out with girls and had a guy grind on them and I'm okay with it. If I were to see another hot girl out on the floor I could dance with her as well. What that really sums up to is the degree in which people concider cheating and there really isn't a universal standard to be held. Now I'm not saying I'd appreciate a guy making out with my girl while I stand there, but If I were a swinger maybe I wouldn't mind that so much either. It's all relative to the agreement made between you and your partner.

 

[frivolousz21]

You have not seen 80% of people doing that. Because 80% of that people in those bars are NOT

- women in the 21-24 range
- that happen to be DRUNK
- with a boyfriend that happens to be at "home"

What I'm saying is that if ten 21-24 year old women...that makes a habit of getting drunk EVERY TIME they go out...and leave their boyfriend home...2 of them won't be doing either the grinding or giving the digits or kissing or any other disrespectful thing.

If that bar in St. Louis has 100 people...and only 10 of those people are the women in the category I just described (21-24, drunk, and with boyfriend at home)...then you won't see 80% of the people doing that. You will only see 80% of the ten I described above (not 80% of the 100).

alright..so your saying 8 of 10 women that age with BF;s who go out and drink are cheaters?