GF going out to bars

[WORKEROUTER]

She's just turned 21, and goes out to bars. That's the fact.

She's a type of girl who's fun-loving and has drunk in the past and will drink if I'm not here. Period.

However, she's been partying for several years without me. She's been to Mexico with her friends and didn't engage in random sex or anything. She's been to Jamaica, Florida, etc.

But still, I was the one who took this girl's virginity. I trust that she's a genuinely good girl, one who wouldn't cheat on me.

But still, the idea of her going into a scene that I think we can all agree on--one full of drunk, horny, immature guys wanting to f*ck something--is not very attractive to me.

The question is..should I talk to her about this or not.

If I do, and I want to, how should I express myself WITHOUT seeming insecure, without making her think I don't trust her? What should I say, in other words, to simply express that I don't like her going out all that much to these kind of scenes?

The opinions are different on this board. Some suggest that it's totally disrespectful and shouldn't be allowed. Others say I should simply not worry about it and know that I could always move on if the time came.

To those who say I should not tolerate this kind of behaviour, as I said, it seems a little ridiculous that she would just stop going out w/ her friends because of me. I don't think it is going to happen, and I think I would seem like the bad guy in this case. Also, I can't stop her from meeting another person. I can't stopo her emotions from transferring to someone else. I can't control her in any way.

So what should I do? I'm still rather confused.

 

[Bourne]

Do your own thing without her being around. Stay with her, but know that it may end soon. She will either come around and get tired of it, or she will end up with someone else. Nothing you can do but to either accept what she is doing and put up with it or walk away.

If you walk away. Good for you.
If you put up with it, yet you still don't like it know that it may end any day.

Her going out to bars is not yet a reason to dump her, but its a step in that direction where you might have to eventually.

 

[S1NN3R]

If I do, and I want to, how should I express myself WITHOUT seeming insecure, without making her think I don't trust her? What should I say, in other words, to simply express that I don't like her going out all that much to these kind of scenes?

Make it seem as though it's not that she's going out that you're concerned about, but that you don't think the two of you spend enough time together, and that's why you don't want her going out without you as much.

 

[Pimp-sicle]

Workerouter:

Before a jump on the generalization bus that seems to be passing through your thread, answer these questions.

-How long have you two been together?

-Has she ever displayed any characteristics or traits in the past that made you question her loyalty, or trust her less?

-Did anyone warn you about her before you started dating her? Meaning, did she have a checkered past or any destructive relationships?

-Has her attitude towards you changed at all since she turned 21? More specifically has she become "extra nice" some times or "extra mean" sometimes? Basically have you noticed anything odd lately or in the past few weeks??

-What does your "gut feeling" tell you she's up to when she out partying until 1 or 2 in the morning?

-Has she ever cheated before??

-Do you really trust her or are you just afraid to be single??


Answer those questions honestly and I think you'll have an answer to your question. I don't think any of us can tell you what to do definitively right now because there's a lot of details that have been left out. On one hand its healthy for people in a LTR to spend time away from eachother, it keeps things fresh, exciting and new. However, the fact that she goes out constantly, to a meet market and is consuming alcohol would be reason for concern.

Answer the questions and we'll help you out.




PIMP

 

[WORKEROUTER]

Workerouter:

Before a jump on the generalization bus that seems to be passing through your thread, answer these questions.

-How long have you two been together?

-Has she ever displayed any characteristics or traits in the past that made you question her loyalty, or trust her less?

-Did anyone warn you about her before you started dating her? Meaning, did she have a checkered past or any destructive relationships?

-Has her attitude towards you changed at all since she turned 21? More specifically has she become "extra nice" some times or "extra mean" sometimes? Basically have you noticed anything odd lately or in the past few weeks??

-What does your "gut feeling" tell you she's up to when she out partying until 1 or 2 in the morning?

-Has she ever cheated before??

-Do you really trust her or are you just afraid to be single??


Answer those questions honestly and I think you'll have an answer to your question. I don't think any of us can tell you what to do definitively right now because there's a lot of details that have been left out. On one hand its healthy for people in a LTR to spend time away from eachother, it keeps things fresh, exciting and new. However, the fact that she goes out constantly, to a meet market and is consuming alcohol would be reason for concern.

Answer the questions and we'll help you out.




PIMP

We've been together for about 4 months.

Nothing has made me question her loyalty up to now. And it's not because I'm naive. It's because I really haven't noticed anything.

Things have been pretty much the same with us. No wild ups or downs that concern me.

My gut feeling varies. Sometimes I just feel like she could be in a situation in which i would be beyond my control. Reflecting upon it more though, and answering those questions, I feel that this is more my own problem than one initiated by her.

She has never cheated before.

I do trust her. I've had the feeling of being afraid to be single, but I feel that I've gotten over it. I have the ability to pick up girls rather easily, so there's no longer this feeling of "desperation." Actually, just today I easily got two different numbers, and rejected by one girl (who gave me kino but claimed that she being 26 and me being 19 just wouldn't work...I just shrugged her off).

 

[KarmaSutra]

She has never cheated before.

Don't pop her cheating cherry . . .

 

[Latinoman]

She's just turned 21, and goes out to bars. That's the fact.

She's a type of girl who's fun-loving and has drunk in the past and will drink if I'm not here. Period.

However, she's been partying for several years without me. She's been to Mexico with her friends and didn't engage in random sex or anything. She's been to Jamaica, Florida, etc.

You are 19...she is going to places where there are 21...25...28...30...35...39...year old men. Some of those men are established too.

Many of those men...might be men that even post in here (or similar). Some of those men might be outstanding DJs. The issue here is that she goes out drinking TWICE a week in a place where men go to pick up women. She likes spending time with her friends? There are other venues to do that. Not the drunk fest venue.

That's my point.

It is not about insecurity. It is about commanding (or demmanding) respect. If you feel she is disrespecting you with her behavior, you must do something about it. But NEVER tell her what to do. Let her make that decision...and you make yours accordingly. That's how I personally do things.

 

[tihash]

He could be going to the bars with her and guys will still hit on her when he is in the bathroom. If she's attractive, she gets hit on everywhere she goes. In the stores, at work, jogging... everywhere. Letting her go to buy milk alone requires just as much trust then letting her go out to bars, because a woman that will cheat is going to find opportunities to do so all day long. When we date attractive women, this is something we just have to realize and deal with. This applies to women who date attractive men as well.

If you're a sociable person that is considered attractive by the opposite sex, then you are always going to be in the types of situations that raise suspicion in the people you date no matter what you do or where you go. I've had one woman get jealous and break up with me because a buddy of mine stopped by with his girlfriend and one of her female friends. My girlfriend stopped by not knowing they were there, and that was it. Two guys, two girls, the accusations flew. I've spent all of my time with other girlfriends and they would still feel insecure because I often ran into women I knew when I took her out to a movie or whatever. Try going out without her once she knows that much about you. It's crazy.

The point is that if you're insecure and paranoid like that, then it doesn't matter what the other person does. If they stop going to the bars then something else will just take it's place. If they are sociable enough, there will always be situations that you, as a paranoid/insecure person, will worry about. It's not a healthy mindset at all. You're either going to worry yourself sick or act irrational over nothing or you're going to confirm your worse fears. It's a lose/lose situation. It's a waste of your time. You should only care about this when you're married, have kids, have other shared assests, etc., because that's when the mess goes way beyond just breaking hearts and breaking up. The pain will go on for decades because it's court ordered. Just ask a few guys here. They'll tell you.

Agree, dont agree, that's just how I look at it personally.

I see your point, but isn't there a difference between your girl getting hit on involuntarily at the grocery store or mall versus her intentionally going to a bar or club without her guy?

There is another issue here... how often does the OP see his gf? Is it like once a week, or like every day except for her two nights of partying without him?

If you are inclined to see her a lot, why is she choosing to spend time away from you so consistently?

Does she come home and have sex with you on those nights, or are you already asleep because you have to go to work early and you therefore get screwed out of sex by this stuff?

 

[tihash]

No, he's insecure because he is trying to make a relationship work with woman he doesn't trust. He's insecure because he has to keep her on a leash to keep her from wandering.

I don't have the time to baby sit my girlfriends constantly. I don't sit around all day wondering if my girl is "disrespecting" me. They get thier freedom and one chance. If they can't carry themselves as a respectful adult without me being all over them 24/7, they're worthless to me. If you can get my girlfriend, good for you. She's a cheating slut and she's all yours. I just go get myself a better one, because I can. It's very simple. Cut and dry. "Period". That's why I let them go. I would never marry a woman I couldn't trust in any situation. And that's why your dead ****ing wrong.

If you spend most of your time worried about where she is, what she's doing and who she's with, then exactly who is the "AFC" here? Where the hell are you going to go with a woman you wont trust around other men? What kind of idiot thinks this is the best way to find a good woman? I'd rather know a woman is a slut and just move on, rather than never knowing if I can ever trust her alone because I never give her the chance. Keep clinging, buddy. Keep telling yourself you're being "respected".

THis is spot-on. I would add that there is nothing wrong with verbalizing expectations to your girl, and letting her have the option of doing what she wants to do. If she does not have respect for you, that is time to let her go as well.

 

[Jackman]

I see your point, but isn't there a difference between your girl getting hit on involuntarily at the grocery store or mall versus her intentionally going to a bar or club without her guy?

For the longest time, yeah, I thought there was a big difference there, until I met my fiance about 7 years ago.

I met her in a bank where she worked as a teller. This bank was one block from my house. Not only did I have a personal account there, but I also stopped in there frequently because of work accounts as well. We start dating. Eventually things get more serious and she moves in with me. Now, not only did she live in my house, but she worked one block from it. Not only did I see her every night, but I had seen her every day as well because I had to go to this bank daily. Her phone number was my phone number. When her friends called, they called me. I had caller ID all over the damn place, and I knew who was calling when the phone rang. I never let her go out alone to bars and clubs unless I wanted to go out alone, and when I did let her go out, her friends had to come by and pick her up so I can meet them. I always asked where she was going and I always suggested I might stop by with my friends just to say hi and keep moving on, which I sometimes actually did. I knew a lot of people as well, and she would often be surprised to find out I already knew a few of her friends. Basically, this woman had very little to no breathing room to pull of an affair..... but she did it anyway.

The man she cheated on me with wasn't some guy she met in a night club, a bar or a party. He met her the same way I did, in the bank. When she left the apartment to bang this guy, she didn't tell me she was going to a night club, a bar or a party. She told me she was going to baby sit her nieces. She even gave me a phone number to call, which I did call, and there were children there. The truth? These were not her nieces at all. The guy she was banging had two children of his own. They were just waiting for the brats to go to bed.

Since then, I've taken an entirely different approach. I realized that women normally don't cheat because they're drunk and surrounded by men, they cheat because they are unsatisfied, and when that happens, it is going to happen in ways you can't control and never expected. That's actually the goal of someone who cheats: to do it in a way that wouldn't raise suspicions. That's why a grocery store is just as dangerous as a bar, because it has far more to do with intention than atmosphere. If she isn't going to the bars mad and unsatisfied, I wouldn't worry. In fact, if I were in Workerouter's shoes, I'd give her a good bang before she goes. Send her happy. Send her satisfied. Never let her go mad.

 

[tihash]

Great point.

If a girl is looking to cheat, she will find a way, regardless of how short the leash.

I still think it is disrespectful to actively spend time in an environment designed for singles, without your bf, when you are taken.

 

[Jackman]

But still, the idea of her going into a scene that I think we can all agree on--one full of drunk, horny, immature guys wanting to f*ck something--is not very attractive to me.

The question is..should I talk to her about this or not.

If I do, and I want to, how should I express myself WITHOUT seeming insecure, without making her think I don't trust her? What should I say, in other words, to simply express that I don't like her going out all that much to these kind of scenes?

First of all, as I said in the post above, never let her go to these places upset and mad at you. No matter what the two of you are arguing about, I don't care what it is, you have to be all "Baby this" and "Baby that" and all sweet talk before she hits the bar. You're going to feel a lot better about things if you let her go satisfied, which is why you might want to start making a routine out of having good sex before the two of you go out for the night on your seperate ways. Do that first. Make that your priority. See how you feel about it then. We can try to help you work out the rest from there.

 

[frivolousz21]

she just turned 21 and wants to experience going out for a bit. going clubbing does not mean you will hook up with someone else . some ladies are capable of going with friends, dancing and having a drink and listening to music without trying to meet people to hook up with.

this is a phase and will wear out especially when she realises she cant afford to do it all the time.

if she continues to do this for a long period of time and doesnt seem to care that you are being neglected because you arent old enough to get in, then you should start doing your own thing or speak up and tell her how you feel.

i agree with you 100 percent.

Dont stress over this man.

this is 100 percent normal.

she prolly isnt cheating on you.

you would know if she was.

 

[frivolousz21]

For the longest time, yeah, I thought there was a big difference there, until I met my fiance about 7 years ago.

I met her in a bank where she worked as a teller. This bank was one block from my house. Not only did I have a personal account there, but I also stopped in there frequently because of work accounts as well. We start dating. Eventually things get more serious and she moves in with me. Now, not only did she live in my house, but she worked one block from it. Not only did I see her every night, but I had seen her every day as well because I had to go to this bank daily. Her phone number was my phone number. When her friends called, they called me. I had caller ID all over the damn place, and I knew who was calling when the phone rang. I never let her go out alone to bars and clubs unless I wanted to go out alone, and when I did let her go out, her friends had to come by and pick her up so I can meet them. I always asked where she was going and I always suggested I might stop by with my friends just to say hi and keep moving on, which I sometimes actually did. I knew a lot of people as well, and she would often be surprised to find out I already knew a few of her friends. Basically, this woman had very little to no breathing room to pull of an affair..... but she did it anyway.

The man she cheated on me with wasn't some guy she met in a night club, a bar or a party. He met her the same way I did, in the bank. When she left the apartment to bang this guy, she didn't tell me she was going to a night club, a bar or a party. She told me she was going to baby sit her nieces. She even gave me a phone number to call, which I did call, and there were children there. The truth? These were not her nieces at all. The guy she was banging had two children of his own. They were just waiting for the brats to go to bed.

Since then, I've taken an entirely different approach. I realized that women normally don't cheat because they're drunk and surrounded by men, they cheat because they are unsatisfied, and when that happens, it is going to happen in ways you can't control and never expected. That's actually the goal of someone who cheats: to do it in a way that wouldn't raise suspicions. That's why a grocery store is just as dangerous as a bar, because it has far more to do with intention than atmosphere. If she isn't going to the bars mad and unsatisfied, I wouldn't worry. In fact, if I were in Workerouter's shoes, I'd give her a good bang before she goes. Send her happy. Send her satisfied. Never let her go mad.

man this is the post of the yr!

dead on.

 

[WORKEROUTER]

I could talk to her about it, but it's not going to change anything. This is something she's going to do. Her friends are turning 21, and they are the fun-loving, party type who are going to go out. She's naturally going to join them. It doesn't seem too far off in any way.

Here's the thing though. She KNOWS I have game and can get other girls. She knows I don't really need her. She knows that I like her a lot, but she also knows that I won't put up with any kind of bullsh*t or disrespect whatsoever.

She also knows I have value. Reflecting on the whole situation in the past day or so, I've come to the conclusion that I'm actually the one in control here. If she lost me, it'd be a big loss for her. This has freed me of feeling worried about the whole situation now. In fact, I'm not even worried about it all.

As of now, I'm not sensing a problem. If there becomes one, then I'll take care of it by talking to her and giving her the option to change. If she refuses, it's over, I move on, and she can go on and do whatever pleases her.

Simple as that.

 

[Last Man Standing]

Workpaperroute guy states...

"As of now, I'm not sensing a problem."

WRONG!! YOU "ARE" sensing a problem - thus this thread!!


Firstly,

Jackboot man, as I stated before, this has nothing top do about insecurity – Work-a-router is bringing this issue to the forefront for a reason – he knows that this shyt isn’t proper!!!

All his senses, as a man, tells him that a woman that is supposedly committed to him shouldn’t be frolicking about getting drunk and dancing (read “flirting”) with strangers.

Jack, you seem to miss the point – the grocery store scene is a necessity of life – buy food or die – but a club scene is obviously created for a different purpose – can you guess the purpose? YES – for singles and couples to mingle, dance, drink, and meet one another!!! Regarding you hor fiance - she was a hor and you were just the nest pimp in line!!!! Read all of PuertoRican_Lover's posts and get some insight!!


Workrouter,

SHE IS GOING TO A CLUB FOR A REASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY CAN”T YOU SEE THIS – CLUBS ARE NOT BANKS OR GROCERY STORES!!!!!!!!!

SHE HAS A PURPOSE IN MIND!!!!

GUESS WHY A PERSON GOES TO THE BANK? YES, OF COURSE!!

GUESS WHY A PERSON GOES TO A GROCERY STORE? YES, OF COURSE!!

NOW GUESS WHY A WOMAN GOES TO A CLUB WITHOUT HER MAN?

BINGO _ BANGO!!!!!


Workaholic, you should have shown your displeasure immediately and given her an ultimatum – “the clubs or me” - this would tell you where her heart is!!!!!!!!!!!!

Go ahead tell her – I bet you she takes the clubs over you! Test her loyalty – go ahead – but be sure you don’t beg and cry like a baby when she leaves – this is unbecoming of a man.

She is not going to like it but don’t argue with her – in fact don’t say anything else – just put your hand up in her face and say “So let it be written, so shall it be done!” and then walk away.

Let us see where she will be this weekend – with you or at the clubs!!!!

Taking bets at table 5…..

 

[WORKEROUTER]

Workpaperroute guy states...

"As of now, I'm not sensing a problem."

WRONG!! YOU "ARE" sensing a problem - thus this thread!!


Firstly,

Jackboot man, as I stated before, this has nothing top do about insecurity – Work-a-router is bringing this issue to the forefront for a reason – he knows that this shyt isn’t proper!!!

All his senses, as a man, tells him that a woman that is supposedly committed to him shouldn’t be frolicking about getting drunk and dancing (read “flirting”) with strangers.

Jack, you seem to miss the point – the grocery store scene is a necessity of life – buy food or die – but a club scene is obviously created for a different purpose – can you guess the purpose? YES – for singles and couples to mingle, dance, drink, and meet one another!!! Regarding you hor fiance - she was a hor and you were just the nest pimp in line!!!! Read all of PuertoRican_Lover's posts and get some insight!!


Workrouter,

SHE IS GOING TO A CLUB FOR A REASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY CAN”T YOU SEE THIS – CLUBS ARE NOT BANKS OR GROCERY STORES!!!!!!!!!

SHE HAS A PURPOSE IN MIND!!!!

GUESS WHY A PERSON GOES TO THE BANK? YES, OF COURSE!!

GUESS WHY A PERSON GOES TO A GROCERY STORE? YES, OF COURSE!!

NOW GUESS WHY A WOMAN GOES TO A CLUB WITHOUT HER MAN?

BINGO _ BANGO!!!!!


Workaholic, you should have shown your displeasure immediately and given her an ultimatum – “the clubs or me” - this would tell you where her heart is!!!!!!!!!!!!

Go ahead tell her – I bet you she takes the clubs over you! Test her loyalty – go ahead – but be sure you don’t beg and cry like a baby when she leaves – this is unbecoming of a man.

She is not going to like it but don’t argue with her – in fact don’t say anything else – just put your hand up in her face and say “So let it be written, so shall it be done!” and then walk away.

Let us see where she will be this weekend – with you or at the clubs!!!!

Taking bets at table 5…..

In terms of going out, I may have been blowing it out of proportion. Here's the deal.

She's been 21 since March. Usually, she goes out once a week until around midnight, and then she sees me, that night. And she's usually damn happy when she does see me.

Since then, her close girlfriends have been turning 21. So, naturally, they've been going to the bars for their birthdays.

Now, if she starts heading to the bars more and more AFTER this period (in the next couple weeks)--in other words, she starts going to them CONTINUOUSLY a couple times or more per week--then I would TOTALLY agree with you that this is going to be an issue that is going to have to be brought up.

Then, I would feel that her intentions of going out are becoming MORE than just hanging out with her friends. As you and others said before, she doesn't need to go to a scene like this to see her friends.

If this begins to happen--and I'll know within the next couple weeks or so if it's going to start (her friends are all going to be 21)--then I'm going to bring it up concretely.

She'll know I don't approve of it, and she's not going to be able to "persuade" me in any way. Her actions are going to speak the truth in that case.

 

[Skilla_Staz]

My gf, who just recently turned 21, goes out to bars usually a couple times per week w/ friends and such until late at night (1-2 AM).

As I'm only 19, I can't go with her, and often this makes me feel uncomfortable. I trust her that she won't f*ck around on me, but there's still a feel of discomfort.

My question is..what would be the best way to handle this scenario?

Get her to buy you booze. Have parties when shes at the bar. If she gets mad, just be like...

"Well babe, you hit the bar with your girls. Girls night out. I hit the town with my boys. Boys night out. Now, I don't see a problem. I keep myself zipped, and I'm sure you do, too, so if you want to mix a night here and there, I'm down with that, but I'm sure that neither of us is down with stoppin' what we do."

 

[WORKEROUTER]

Get her to buy you booze. Have parties when shes at the bar. If she gets mad, just be like...

"Well babe, you hit the bar with your girls. Girls night out. I hit the town with my boys. Boys night out. Now, I don't see a problem. I keep myself zipped, and I'm sure you do, too, so if you want to mix a night here and there, I'm down with that, but I'm sure that neither of us is down with stoppin' what we do."

I'm not trying to form resentment here and counteract with similair actions in order to initiate a response like this.

She can do whatever she wants to do. The only thing I can control is whether I tolerate it.

 

[Skilla_Staz]

If it came off that way, then you misunderstood. I am basically saying, don't worry about it. Go do your own thing when shes out. IF, only IF she makes a fuss about it, let her know that you both have lives outside of eachother, and you're willing to meet up with her on a couple occasions, but you will continue to do your own thing here and there.