Getting Married In One Week--Suicide?

[Burningblue]

I am one week away from getting married and this has prompted me to return to the forum after staying away from it for several years. All my friends...many of whom are married...seem to be telling me that getting married is tantamount to suicide. They make it seem as if I'm about to ruin my own life. I wouldn't take it seriously except for the fact that many of them are married and I would assume they know what they are talking about.
The common theme seems to be that women will ultimately come to control you in a marriage. One way or another, everyone seems to think it's going to happen. One married friend told me that one day I will look back on the days when I had balls and they "weren't in my wifes' purse".
Here are some other common things I'm hearing: she will always be right and you will always be wrong...even if you say 2+2=4 you are wrong because she said so. Sex is basically just marriage bate. She will "own you". Finally, she will enjoy watching you do her bidding because it gives her control.
Now, I like to think of myself as a strong male who would walk away from any woman who did these things to me. I know that I don't need to have a woman in order to be happy...but I don't want to go through a divorce at some point to get my life back either. Does marriage really have to be this way? Is it true that the only two choices are to either be a slave or get divorced? I would love to hear some honest opinions.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

Oh Jesus...

If it were me, I'd wonder what I would be doing asking questions of that nature on a board such as this. You do realize the kind of response you'll be getting, from a board like this, right? And you DO realize how seriously you take the advice of guys on the internet might negatively color your perception of your new bride, right?

Do YOU think you are doing the right thing? Has your gal shown her proven support when you've gone through tough times? Has she been flexible in planning your upcoming nuptuals? Has she been open in discussing things that might become problems in the future, like money, children, religion?

 

[Teflon_Mcgee]

Being married is no different than dating as long as you set the correect frame in the beginning.

If you don't set the correct frame now then you might as well hand your stones to the wife right now.

 

[PeeGee]

I'm curious as to why and how you've gone this far and have not heard this 'speech'

Being married with somebody who has been trained (by you, for allowing it) to boss you around and be a *****/nag is the worst thing you can do.

If your girl isn't like that, no worries.

 

[piranha45]

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=158574

 

[Aenigma]

http://www.dont-marry.com/
http://roissy.wordpress.com/2008/01/14/dont-get-married/

If you're foolish enough to go through with this, at least get a prenup. It will mitigate some of the power she will have over you as the marriage progresses; you'll be able to rest knowing that she won't be able to take you to the cleaners TOO badly if you get sick of her BS and decide to leave.

 

[KontrollerX]

"They make it seem as if I'm about to ruin my own life."

You could be depending on how much like your friends you are as with this they are revealing their own subconscious to you and their own experiences with marriage and because this is what they got they arrogantly or flippantly believe this same fate will happen to you.

That or they are extremely empathic and know you are the same kind of personality as them and highly likely to make their mistakes.

"I wouldn't take it seriously except for the fact that many of them are married and I would assume they know what they are talking about."

Not exactly and I'll tell you why...

You're friends by their own view of marriage are definitely not happy with it.

Presumably you personally would want to be just the opposite.

You'd want to be happy and fulfilled with your partner.

So it then makes sense that if you are going to take any advice to heart it should primarily be that of a happily married couple before unhappily married people ever get a chance to have your ear.

"The common theme seems to be that women will ultimately come to control you in a marriage. One way or another, everyone seems to think it's going to happen. One married friend told me that one day I will look back on the days when I had balls and they "weren't in my wifes' purse".
Here are some other common things I'm hearing: she will always be right and you will always be wrong...even if you say 2+2=4 you are wrong because she said so."

This is mostly a selection process problem. There are halfways logical women out there in the grand sea of irrational women we all have to choose from but the problem is finding those golden needles in the proverbial haystack.

Most guys lack patience and so settle for an irrational tard and are actually surprised when nothing they say is understood or acknowledged properly.

"Sex is basically just marriage bate. She will "own you". Finally, she will enjoy watching you do her bidding because it gives her control."

Depends on the guy.

A woman predatorily checks a man over mentally to see what she can get away with.

If she deems you a docile guy easily manipulated by arbitrary morality's honor codes (that are designed to benefit women) and your own fears of being alone once in a marriage she then being married to the weak beta male can decide to let herself go, get fat, cut her hair short or alternatively stay in shape but begin having many suspiscious girls night outs where you are left wondering where she is at 2a.m.

The end result a beta male or DJ that has reverted to AFC complacency is left with is a parasite rather than a partner and once you are afflicted with a parasite the only thing a sane human being does is everything it takes to get that parasite out of their life from taking cold medication to having a doctor remove it or in the woman's case kicking her to the curb and taking the lesson from the experience that complacency= relationship death for men. As a man you have to be "on" as much as possible or you are fvcked.

"Now, I like to think of myself as a strong male who would walk away from any woman who did these things to me. I know that I don't need to have a woman in order to be happy...but I don't want to go through a divorce at some point to get my life back either. Does marriage really have to be this way? Is it true that the only two choices are to either be a slave or get divorced? I would love to hear some honest opinions."

Its not so much about being a strong man as in being a take no sh!t DJ.

The real strength comes in giving up comfortable routine you've fallen into.

And what I mean is say your married relationship with your wife is just...ok...say everything your friends have said comes true and in a way she's wearing the pants over time but somehow to you it doesn't feel all that overbearing and you've kind of gotten used to wifey's quirks.

You aren't quite as satisfied as you could be as a man but doggonit you just can't bring yourself to betray your wife and the kids by leaving her in a divorce when she hasn't done anything in your mind that is THAT BAD.

See this is where your strength is really tested.

DJ's never settle for good enough or second best, we are in it to win it and have the best most fulfilling life possible and I think that goes for all DJ's from morality brigaders to regular player DJ's and this mindset extends to all forms of relationships be they LTR's or outright marriage.

So if you have this mindset if you think you are worth more than being gradually overtaken and assimilated into your wife's world view then you have to set a mental schedule for yourself during your marriage to honestly question yourself if you are wearing the pants in the marriage or if wifey's taken total control.

If you are all about the DJ mindset you will follow Rollo Tomassi's advice on marriage to keep the anxiety and sexual tension in your marriage going which leads to continued attraction and fear of losing you on your partner's part.

How you accomplish this is always stay in shape and look good to the opposite sex and walk at the first sign wifey is not going to do the same. This is one part of remaining "on".

The other part is to have a life outside of your wife whether it be a regular meetup with your buddies at a certain time and place or whatever you've got to make sure you keep this going and not let her manipulate you out of it over time. The only guys that can be successfully manipulated in such a way are guys that are afraid of losing the only woman who would ever get with them or guys that are so happy with complacency and boring routine they'll meet wifeys demands so as to not rock the boat and risk a fight or losing her in a bitter divorce battle.

So again focus your strength on not becoming a lover of complacency and comfortable routine, always mix things up and keep yourself and your wife on her toes, always let your wife know that she can be replaced via the indirect message of your enduring confidence and physically fit body and comfortable social demeanor when conversing with all people in her presence.

A man never gets to relax for long in a relationship that he wishes to keep.

In closing though and I'm not joking when I say this make sure you get an airtight prenup before going through with this.

If she pulls some b.s about you not trusting her blah blah blah about not wanting to get one she's a gold digger and you will be an idiot not to next her.

Marriage is a future lottery ticket for most women these days so don't take it lightly.

Again airtight prenup with any woman you decide to marry or the marriage is a no go.

Also ask yourself if you are getting married because you actually want to do it or because you want society's peer pressure to get married to finally be off your back?

If its not that ask yourself if you are getting married because your woman wants to be married and its not something you really want?

Understand that if marriage is not something you really deep down want you do not have to go through with it nor should you.

At the end of the day when the ceremonial ritual is over marriage is just a cold life less government contract forming an unstable corporation between two people, its just a piece of paper but a piece of paper that can lead to financial ruin and epic levels of bitterness and destruction. Simply getting married will not make a relationship any better than it was before getting married and it will not lead to some epiphany of greater awareness.

So do not go down this road lightly. Think hard about it.

 

[ketostix]

Well only you would know how suitable this women is to be your wife. A lot of married guys are suffering from the grass is greener syndrome and forget that women can cause you grief when you're single. And some of them never established the frame of being the leader in their relationships. Point is mariage is a risk and not being married has downsides risks as well. For anyone to make a call they'd have to have a lot of info.

 

[decades]

Nothing wrong with it if you are 100% certain it's what you want and she is too. btw, it's strange that it's been over 3 years since you posted. When did you meet wifey to be? This isn't the same chick that dumped you (your last thread) and you guys got back together is it?

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Burning Blue,
Look unless you burn with the urge to sow your seed,and she is genetically the one,then Why?.....I looked at myself in the mirror,as I shaved on my way to my first Wedding,43 years ago,it had crept up on me,the web she had woven,I felt trapped,In a fortnight I would be starting a new job 2000 miles away in Darwin,I could have done a runner,run I thought....But I didn't,silly bugger me....I urge caution,difficult as it might be,the cost of putting it off for a while is a lot less than a Divorce down the track..we all have an Angel that sits on our shoulders Blue fella,what is your Angel telling you?For the Love of Mike it also happens to be your life,unless you are certain Don't.

 

[Aenigma]

...and if you ever have children get a paternity test.

You do that even if you're not married. You ALWAYS get a paternity test.

 

[WaterTiger]

Have you answered all the HARD questions? Like:

*Do you want kids? How many?
*Will the wife stay home or go back to work?
*What if the child is born with "special needs"?
*One bank account or two?
*Do you have a retirement plan set up?
*Do you have a savings plan set up?
*Have you updated your will? Do you even have a will?
*How much time do we spend with in-laws? Which holidays?
*What are your plans for caring for your elderly parents?
*How do we split up the household chores?
*What do you think we’ll be doing in 20-30 years?
*What if one of you gets a dibilitating disease?
*What of one of you (or both) lose your job?
*Do you have enough life insurance to cover if one of you dies? (Funerals are running about $12-50 thousand right now, I checked.)

Don't think, "Oh we're to young to worry about that stuff!" You aren't too young, sh!t happens and usually at the worst possible time. These are things you need to have hammered out BEFORE you walk down the isle. If you feel uncomfortable talking to her about these things (Or she feels uncomfortable talking to YOU about them) Then DO NOT GET MARRIED!

 

[Zonder]

It might be suicide but not for the reasons you stated. Any of these possible problems can be overcome if you act like a man and are not completely smitten. I write that knowing nothing anyone will write here will change your mind so I won't talk about the disadvantages.

 

[sodbuster]

the pre-nup should have been discussed long ago,but it still may be done. You will have to listen to your "gut instinct" on marriage-your gut is always right. If you do marry, keep a credit card in your name and a separate account. If she decieds to divorce you, she will cancell the cards[or ring up the balances] and empty joint accounts. So now you are trying to find a place to live and hire a lawyer with no money and no options.

Read Rollo's marriage stuff and see how he keeps his wife on her toes.

 

[Bible_Belt]

just don't knock her up

 

[countermart]

Getting married was the worst decision in my life by far. Having kids was the best, even though it ended the marriage.

The reality is the marrying another person is a complete gamble. You are linked with another person no matter what. In my own case she was great for about 7 years (4 prior to marriage) but had major depression problems following the birth of our first child and became the ***** from hell despite constant medical trial and error that never worked.

She obtained a tough lawyer, is now making my life hell on earth and costing me about $3M, or 70% of my assets. This is after trying and failing through the courts to take the kids away.

The point of telling you all this is that it is all just a gamble, DJ, AFC whatever, no matter what she is like now you do not know what she will be like later. You need to know as someone else has said on this site that “women have no native sense of fair play”, if she turns against you she will try to screw you and not in the way you want. Believe me my former wife was the sweetest thing you would ever meet when we first met.

Think about this, about 40- 50% of marriages end in divorce, and you would have to say that about another 20-30% are just staying together for the kids, or because people are too lazy, it’s too costly etc to end it. Those are your odds. It benefits women to get a divorce in today’s structure and will not benefit you.

Ultimately women and money are replaceable, children and time are not.

My bottom line: If you have one tiny bit of doubt about her, do not marry her. Even if you have no doubt about her you are gambling your happiness on the influences of another person and that is ultimately very risky, or very stupid.

Good luck.

Countermart

 

[squirrels]

Have you answered all the HARD questions? Like:

*Do you want kids? How many?
*Will the wife stay home or go back to work?
*What if the child is born with "special needs"?
*One bank account or two?
*Do you have a retirement plan set up?
*Do you have a savings plan set up?
*Have you updated your will? Do you even have a will?
*How much time do we spend with in-laws? Which holidays?
*What are your plans for caring for your elderly parents?
*How do we split up the household chores?
*What do you think we’ll be doing in 20-30 years?
*What if one of you gets a dibilitating disease?
*What of one of you (or both) lose your job?
*Do you have enough life insurance to cover if one of you dies? (Funerals are running about $12-50 thousand right now, I checked.)

Don't think, "Oh we're to young to worry about that stuff!" You aren't too young, sh!t happens and usually at the worst possible time. These are things you need to have hammered out BEFORE you walk down the isle. If you feel uncomfortable talking to her about these things (Or she feels uncomfortable talking to YOU about them) Then DO NOT GET MARRIED!

Good advice here.

Why are you marrying this girl? Do you want to start a family with her? Or is she just pressuring you to marry her or else she'll leave?

 

[jophil28]

Suppose that you decide not to go ahead and tell her that you want to postpone the nuptuals for one year...what would be her reaction?

She may be hurt, sad, feel rejected and cry a river BUT if she is the 'right' woman she will stay by your side.

If she is the wrong woman she will yell, cuss and abuse you or storm out in a pout.

Maybe this is your opportunity to really find out who, and what, you are committed to ?

 

[radiodude]

The question before you shouldn't be "are you doing the right thing?" Rather, it should be "Will I do the right thing?"

What this means is that men have a choice in marriage. They can wimp out, refuse to LEAD in the relationship, expect her to become his mother without any give and take, etc.

OR.....

They can LEAD, take control of the relationship, be a good loving husband, give their wife and future family DIRECTION and overall be the MAN in the home.

I'm guessing most of your friends aren't leaders or men to their wives. SO they are miserable and wish they were single again b/c of all the crap she gives them about this or that or all the things they have been 'trapped' into doing.

Don't make the mistake of leaving it to her to decide where you will live, what you will do, yadda yadda yadda.

You do not get married to continue living a single dude life with her at your beck and call. What will happen is you'll do this thinking there is no effort involved and she'll ultimately be the LEADER with you as the "yes dear" follower.

This is NOT EASY but it is worth it if you persist in the long run. You will have to fight her on things. You'll have to show her the way and give her direction so she doesn't have to do that. Even if you do have to do things which seem like they are supplicating like help around the house from time to time, do it! All the while leading her in life.

Marriage is actually about stepping up to the plate. Leading and dominating a challenging woman often times. If you find the right person it also means having a partner you can grow old with through life.

Whatever your decision, do it for the right MANLY reasons, not because you think you can sitback and get lazy whilst getting an easy lay each night. Thats the the path of the AFC.

A MAN's path is one of challenge and adventure.

 

[Colossus]

Getting married was the worst decision in my life by far. Having kids was the best, even though it ended the marriage.

The reality is the marrying another person is a complete gamble. You are linked with another person no matter what. In my own case she was great for about 7 years (4 prior to marriage) but had major depression problems following the birth of our first child and became the ***** from hell despite constant medical trial and error that never worked.

She obtained a tough lawyer, is now making my life hell on earth and costing me about $3M, or 70% of my assets. This is after trying and failing through the courts to take the kids away.

The point of telling you all this is that it is all just a gamble, DJ, AFC whatever, no matter what she is like now you do not know what she will be like later. You need to know as someone else has said on this site that “women have no native sense of fair play”, if she turns against you she will try to screw you and not in the way you want. Believe me my former wife was the sweetest thing you would ever meet when we first met.

Think about this, about 40- 50% of marriages end in divorce, and you would have to say that about another 20-30% are just staying together for the kids, or because people are too lazy, it’s too costly etc to end it. Those are your odds. It benefits women to get a divorce in today’s structure and will not benefit you.

Ultimately women and money are replaceable, children and time are not.

My bottom line: If you have one tiny bit of doubt about her, do not marry her. Even if you have no doubt about her you are gambling your happiness on the influences of another person and that is ultimately very risky, or very stupid.

Good luck.

Countermart

^^^I would listen to this man.

You have a lot of variables and things to consider.

Has she given you even an INKLING that she will be the type of wife your friends described?

Are your finances in order?

Children?

Who was the one pushing most for this marriage?


One thing I think many men dont realize when they marry is that ALL women change. Some may change and stick by your side, but the lot of them will change and leave you bewildered and penniless if you arent careful.