Getting involved with a married woman, big mistake? (Vent)

[Señor Fingers]

Drex,

This b!tch is playin you dawg.

Listen to your bros!

Aside from the obvious fact that she is a married chick (morally debateable) there are so many red flags all over this situation it is almost laughable how you persist in all this self-imposed DRAMA.

Having said that, it is really obvious to me what you must do.

You absolutely need to take your POWER back. You have given her so much influence over you it is quite sad to watch. Do you even exist anymore? Or have you been totally absorbed, a dark shadow of obsession?

Perhaps I am reaching here because I know what its like to fall in love and go totally AFC over a chick. Yes, sadly I know it all too well.. Here are some words I wish someone woulda told me back when I was clueless...

Message to a younger and stupider FINGZ

I know how it feels bro. Believe me, I do!

It seems like she is your world doesnt it? Makes you feel awesome right?

...yes that first real rush of endorphins can be quite intoxicating!

A drug so blindingly powerful that you are in grave danger of forgetting one important fact.

You cant make anyone your world, except YOU!

Wanna know what real love is? It is a wondrous balance of two people SHARING and ENHANCING each others realities. Thing is, you need YOUR OWN WORLD before you can share it. A world that does not validate itself based on the affections of a lady.

Centering your existence around any woman, I dont care how fukking fine or special, is setting yourself up for disaster. If you want to GUARANTEE the fact that your world will one day crumble on these feeble foundations, then by all means..go ahead!

Just remember this because I have found it to be so true...

A smart man learns from his own mistakes.
A wise man learns from everyone elses.

I guess there are two types of people on this planet, the kind that listened to their parents when they warned "Dont touch the stove...HOT!!" and the others were the curious rebels who had to discover pain on their own.

For so long I was one of these rebels, jumping into horrible situations over and over, despite the warnings I was given. But pain is an unforgettable teacher and in time I learned to become wiser and heed the wisdom offered in my times of doubt.

As your SoSuave brother, it is my hope that you discover this lesson without having to endure the pain. That you will be wise beyond your years.

But I also know what its like to be a hard-headed dumbass who just wont listen, so if you really need to wreck your life a little to see we are not bullsh!tting you, then do your thang.

Either way you must make a final decision and stop all this pvssy-footing you are doing! Have you checked your nuts lately? Have they shrunk at all?!!

Haha, just a little tough love for ya dude.

Best of luck on the path you choose.

 

[WestCoaster]

Yes, listen to your sosuave brethren!

So right Senor, listen, listen, listen to your sosuave brothers.

We've all been there. I was a terrible AFC in my younger days. I took a woman back who cheated on me -- and she wasn't even hot. I was so AFC and thought I couldn't get anyone else that I did this. Then I gained a little more confidence and upgraded, but still ... most of us here have made every mistake in the book.

Yes, I've been hit on by married women and was smart enough to not do anything.

We're not preaching for no reason here -- we've been through it.

Also, because you talk to someone for hours on the phone doesn't mean she's your "best friend." A best friend would never put someone in a sticky situation like this. A best friend wouldn't cheat on her husband and then relay the info to him.

She's a b-tch with a capital "B" -- not your best friend.

The quicker you realize this the better off you'll be.

Quit thinking with the wrong head!

 

[Drex]

Originally posted by Matt ala Casanova
I'm almost thinking that she lied to him about telling her husband. Just to get a reaction out of Drex!

Tricky trick!

M.A.C.

No, she told him. He's leaving her, well sort of, he's going away on bussiness for 2 weeks and he wants her to have time to think and when he gets back he's going to move out if things dont work out.

She has said over and over a million times that this was going to happen whether she met me or not. That she has previously TOLD him to move out, before she met me, but that she felt so guilty she told him to stay and has since "settled with it." She has convinced me that this was doomed to happen whether she met me or not. So I asked her that if I told her right then and now that I was never going to speak with her again, would she still be seperating from her husband? She said yes.

The more I talk with her the more I think that she just wants to have a fling with me before she takes her husband back. She told me today "I just want to have my fun with you before I let you go and move on."

Is it so wrong for me to think: "ok well she is seperating from her husband whether I am around for her or not, so I might as well be there for her." ???

The more I think about this the more I think she is just playing a big game. Here is what I think she might be doing: She is getting her husband to LEAVE HER so that she will not feel guilty. She will think "hey, he left me, so I can go and f*ck drex now because I'm not the one that left." Then she "has her fun with me" and then lets her husband come back to her, leaving her with no guilt...or at least concealing the guilt and having an excuse.

Does this sound possible? Am I finally starting to think more clearly? And if this situation was infact true, would it still be wrong of me to "let her have her fun" with me? She would just go elsewhere anyways, no?

My guess is this was one of his first flings with a woman and his dating history is spotty.

This is true. My experience with women is almost non existant and yea I am still a virgin.

 

[WestCoaster]

Run, don't walk from this

If you don't have an extensive dating history women can smell that a mile away and want to take advantage of you.

When I was about your age a recently separated woman came on to me big time. We played around a little and she wanted to play hide the salami. At that time my dating history was sparse.

I contemplated it, but then somewhere my logic gene kicked in (to paraphrase Homer Simpson: stupid logic gene!) and I thought about it: Two kids, recently separated, etc. She kept coming after me and finally I told her: "I'm 10 years younger than you and I don't feel good about this. I want to date women my age, you're recently separated and I don't want to get involved."

Best move I ever made. She got re-married, then divorced AGAIN, and I saw her a few years back and she looked like sh-t. My friends told me she wanted to marry me. It was all a freakin' game. She even said, "Oh, you can sleep with me no strings attached." Sounds fun, but I knew there were strings attached. I don't think I'd even trust her with her birth control.

Long story, sorry, anyway it's an example of how women USE men.

Even if she is separating and hubby is gone and she wants to get her groove on -- you must run, run, run. I'd bet money she'd tried to get pregnant or something.

Do NOT trust this woman.

Also, there are TWO sides to each story. If she hadn't blabbed about you it would've been nice to get the husband's side. Another thing women do: Twist the truth and act like it's always the guy's fault.

Run, run, run away from this broad.

 

[Drex]

Alright thanks to a pep talk from Matt on the phone I was able to call her up and tell her that as long as she is technically married there is no way that I will allow her to pursue me and I will not persue her. I told her that I am a very moral person (which I am) and that it is not a respectable thing to do for EITHER of us, to get involved with each other as long as she is still married. I told her a seperation still means marraige. I told her this is final so she was pretty speachless and said goodbye after that.

About 30 minutes later she calls me back up crying and yelling at me that all she needs is a friend to help her get through this. Asking me how I could do this to her and leave her on the curb at this hard time in her life. She said this divorce was happenning anyways and that she just happenned to meet someone that made her happy at the end of her marraige. She told me that I play no role in the demise of her marraige but if I want to think that way and get a big ego over it than so be it. She said she does not need me for anything more than just a friend but that she thought I was such a great guy that she could not help having feelings.

I told her that I will be dating this new girl at work and that if she still needed me as a friend and ONLY a friend that I would be there as someone to talk to. I set the guidelines straight with her: friends, lunches, talks on the phone, nothing else. I also asked her if she would be finding a new job and she said she would.

I hope this is an acceptable solution to this problem because I really would like the respect of the members that have participated in this thread and helped me through this. I really appreciate the advice and support everyone has given to me.

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

My bet is that the drama will continue...

 

[Drex]

It shouldnt. And if it does she knows I will not speak to her again.

 

[WestCoaster]

Sosuave for real life!

Wow, I wish I had this website when I was younger. The power of sosuave pulls Drex through!

I think you handled it well, very well, especially when she started crying and so forth. Great job!

I would say almost this entire website is useful for life, love, and other things.

I know we came down hard on you Drex, but it was tough love. You have a whole life ahead of you, no reason to f-ck it up for a married woman with kids.

 

[dietzcoi]

West coaster and the others

Good job with Drex!

You are not the only one who wishes this site had been here for us years ago...the years wasted as an AFC! My younger me disgusts myself!

I am glad to have you all. I gain strength from this site..

This woman wanted Drex to "take care of her" if she left her husband????

He needs to not only run, but break the world speed record for the mile.....

Drex - save yourself! Do not go down on the ship with this woman! Life is not a "Titanic" movie! Save yourself!

Dietzcoi

 

[bp1974]

Wow, good job guys, and good job Drex for doing the right thing by you.

I can't believe I missed this soap opera.

Drex, know that the reason she shouted and cried at you was purely because she wasn't getting her own way, and wanted to try and guilt/scare you back into line.

 

[Matt ala Casanova]

Drex,

One thing to keep in mind is don't be look upon as the emmotional tampon. Don't ALWAYS be there when she calls. She is grasping for anything, my bet is she will try to hook up with one of those 'other' workers where you work!

But this isn't your problem anymore!!

M.A.C.

 

[prosemont]

See now ... I happen to think that a lot of this advice is AFC. What's all this "a real DJ" wouldn't do this and that b.s.?

Bottom line: you should have fvcked that woman and you should fvck her still. You owe her and you owe her husband nothing. Zero. Zip. Nada.

Oh, here comes all rebuttals about how the husband would kill him and how the husband this and that. Here comes all the refutations about how a real DJ wouldn't screw another man's woman, blah, blah, blah.

Know what a real DJ does: he SEDUCES. He seduces like a fvcking machine. He swims like a shark and bites like a shark, tearing a new azzhole into anything that comes his way.

He knows the deal, knows how women *try* to operate, manipulate, and use -- only he is ABOVE that because HE is the one who is out-operating, out-manipulating, out-using and pushing her buttons and pulling her strings without her even knowing it.

The advice that most of you have given equates to "RUN FOR COVER!!!!! RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!" and then saying this is what a DJ would do. Shame on you.

The DJ is able to see what's going on and to control it or influence it or manipulate it ... it's only after you've acquired this skill that you can sit back and rest and pick the type of woman who you want to be with on your own terms.

By refusing to play ball here, you've BLOWN an excellent opportunity to bring yourself to the next level in your training.

 

[Jay Fiedler]

Prosemont..you couldnt be more of a jerk and off base on this matter.

First, being a DJ does not mean you have to be a wife stealer or a sorry excuse for a human being. Those two are married, that means much more than banging some girl that may or may not have a bf. THere are kids involved as well. I dont know about you, but my morals and consiounce would never allow me to do some women and know that may have had some bearing on why the children dont have a mother or father any longer. Youre a sorry excuse for a human being if you can just fvck some married woman with kids and think nothing of it. How about thinking of others involved besides yourself for once. I hate to think this is how you go through life.

Next, the reason why alot of us told him to stay away from this woman was because HE HAD SO MANY FEELINGS for her already, and if he was to go have sex with her, he would slip even more into the abyss he was feeling as far as missing her and not being able to handle not being her steady bf. Hes suffered enough, granted alot of it is self-induced..but enough. There is next to no chance that they could ever have a relationship long term. So while she goes running back to her hubby, hes left there with his penis haning wondering wtf just happened. And his feelings and self-confidence are even shot more to hell.

Again, that may have been the worst piece of advice I have ever read on this board. Stay away from our your fawn, he needs guidance and nuturing, not advice from hell.

 

[prosemont]

Originally posted by Jay Fiedler
Prosemont..you couldnt be more of a jerk and off base on this matter.

First, being a DJ does not mean you have to be a wife stealer or a sorry excuse for a human being. Those two are married, that means much more than banging some girl that may or may not have a bf. THere are kids involved as well. I dont know about you, but my morals and consiounce would never allow me to do some women and know that may have had some bearing on why the children dont have a mother or father any longer. Youre a sorry excuse for a human being if you can just fvck some married woman with kids and think nothing of it. How about thinking of others involved besides yourself for once. I hate to think this is how you go through life.

You base your entire knee-jerk reactionary and sophomoric argument on someone's "ability" to be a "wife-stealer" and then go on based on that dubious notion about how it would screw up the kids, blah, blah, blah.

The fact of the matter is that this woman (and anyone like her) has NO INTEGRITY. It doesn't matter if it's our little Drex or if it's a master seductionist -- a woman like this doesn't have a loyal bone in her body.

Having said that, there is NO wife-stealing going on in these situations. There is NO home-wrecking. THE RESPONSIBILITY IS ON THE WOMAN IN THE RELATIONSHIP. God help you if you ever think it's on anyone else and God help you if you think that if your future wife ever leaves you for another man it was anyone's fault but hers. It is SHE who is a sorry excuse for a human being. Anyone who thinks it's the guy is either either seriously confused, delusional or irretrievably stupid.

Next, the reason why alot of us told him to stay away from this woman was because HE HAD SO MANY FEELINGS for her already, and if he was to go have sex with her, he would slip even more into the abyss he was feeling as far as missing her and not being able to handle not being her steady bf. Hes suffered enough, granted alot of it is self-induced..but enough. There is next to no chance that they could ever have a relationship long term. So while she goes running back to her hubby, hes left there with his penis haning wondering wtf just happened. And his feelings and self-confidence are even shot more to hell.

Exactly. And it is these "feelings" and situations that he has to learn to overcome. This was an excellent opportunity learn a bit about himself and gain some control over himself which is, in sum, what being a "DJ" is all about -- mastering oneself and one's emotions.

Just think how bad it will be with a woman he's actually fvcked. Christ.

 

[Jay Fiedler]

Prosemont, Ive never once said that the wife doesn't has much to blame in this situation. She does. But so does our young friend if he seduces her. Just because some other guy may fvck her if he doesnt... doesnt mean he should. Thats like saying, "well, somebody is going to rob that bank sooner or later, so it might as well be me". that kind of thinking is convuluted and at best..misguided.

I know I dont have to be involved with a married women with kids. Its inexcusable, immoral, just plain wrong. Not to mention there are so many BILLIONS of single women out there to do it is just showing a lack of respect for yourself.

Seriously, you sound like a male slut. How do you get through life like that? You cant be a very happy person inside. Sex addiciton is a classic sign of depression. I wish you luck.

 

[Señor Fingers]

prosemont,

You make some good points.

The only place we disagree is what level of training is appropriate for a virgin kid about to FALL IN LOVE.

I think Drex should learn to walk before he learns to fly, no? I mean, boning married MILFs seems a bit advanced for someone who hasnt even had sex yet!

Having said that, you are 100% on point about tha cheatin hoe. Drex should not feel guilty about this since the responsibility rests squarely on her slútty shoulders.

Interesting how some women love to push their responsibilities on men. Hell, half of them wont even accept responsibilty for sex and have to rationalize that "it just happened".

Haha, funny chick logic.

 

[prosemont]

Originally posted by Jay Fiedler
Just because some other guy may fvck her if he doesnt... doesnt mean he should. Thats like saying, "well, somebody is going to rob that bank sooner or later, so it might as well be me". that kind of thinking is convuluted and at best..misguided.

Actually, it's exactly NOT like robbing a bank. A bank doesn't ask to be robbed. A bank doesn't make itself available to be robbed; in fact, it has a huge security system in place to prevent it. Talk about convoluted analogies.

I know I dont have to be involved with a married women with kids. Its inexcusable, immoral, just plain wrong. Not to mention there are so many BILLIONS of single women out there to do it is just showing a lack of respect for yourself.

I don't need to be involved with them either and seldom am unless it's clear, as it is here, that the woman is on the prowl and lacks integrity.

I've already addressed your morality police statement: the ENTIRE responsibility is on the person in the committed relationship. There is ZERO responsibility on the person outside that relationship. If you don't agree with this, we're just going to have to agree to disagree.

Seriously, you sound like a male slut. How do you get through life like that? You cant be a very happy person inside. Sex addiciton is a classic sign of depression. I wish you luck.

Haha. Nice try at the sophomoric arm-chair pyschology. You've obviously been listening to too much Dr. Phil and you don't know squat. Actually, I'm continually entertained and amused and quite happy in all my relationships, thank you.

 

[WestCoaster]

Responsibility goes both ways

If everyone in the world just went around without a conscious and said, "Well, she's married but she came on to me," well, I think we'd have a worse society than we already have. (Check out nomarriage.com where it says 20 percent of all kids born are not by the husband to the wife who has the brat.)

Live and let live is not the DJ theory. You're right, the DJ controls his own life, but within the laws of society and respect for others -- even if that other person is this so-called lousy husband.

I've been cheated on and have no respect for the woman or the man who did it -- luckily I wasn't married. But both people are low-lifes. A guy who dips into this relationship is no DJ, he's an AFC because he doesn't believe he can do better than sleeping with a slut.

Personally I respect a person who purchases prostitution than helps a woman cheat. At least the prostitute is being honest about what she does.

 

[Jay Fiedler]

Prosemont, my bank anology was meant to get across that doing it is morally wrong. Its just not a good thing to do. Same goes with sleeping with a husband/wife with kids. Its morally wrong. If doing so makes you sleep better at night, knowing that there is some husband and kids out there wondering where their wife and mother is while your d1ck is inside of her..more power to you. Its not how I would choose to live my life.

Perhaps this analogy might work better for you. Pretend there was a local drug seller moving into your neck of the woods that wanted to start selling to the local kids around school. And the word was out he would give you a cut if you go in with him because he heard you were in debt and desperate to make some cash.. Now, I dont know about you, but just because the dude is lookign for someone to distribute, and just because I need the money, doesnt mean Im going to go and sell drugs to kids. You on the other hand, if desperate and broke enough...might. Just like you, if desperate and horny enough like it sounds like you are, might sleep with a married woman with kids. There ya go.

 

[Jay Fiedler]

Also, in this case as mentioned earlier, this isnt some Don Juan sex veteran..the guy hasnt even had sex yet, probably hasnt had much if any type of a relationship, is deeply infatuated with this women, and you want him to start off doing some married broad? Dont think so.