G/F having dinner with HS Friend

[NewMan]

I've taken the time at work to read this entire post.

Here's my first observation.

JJ,

You are way to into this chick or this situation. I don't care if your telling us your maintaing a front for her - but I don't by it. There's nothing wrong with this, but she's getting away with murder. And if she get's away with it this time, she's going to do it again, and again and again.

Nuff said - you get the picture.

Second - your thinking one thing one post then changing your mind. It sounded like you have an issue - then you say you don't. Make your mind up. Do you want us to tell you how to live your life. Step up to the plate - figure out whether YOU think she did wrong - then go from there. You know her better than us - so you've got first person perspective.

Now I want to comment on a couple other things you said:

******
Her view was that if its not a date, then it is not incorrect to go to dinner (which I agree with: there are plenty of women that I would go out to dinner with where I know its not a date and I am not trying to get anywhere with them) and all she has to worry about are my feelings toward it, which she tried to do by asking me in advance if I had any problems with it.
*******

Really? then why didn't she mention you to him intially. Because, If I were in a Relationship with someone I wanted to be with - I would firstly feel uncomfortable that another chick that doesn't know me wants my number - then asks me out with her. Very uncomfortable. Uncomfortable enough to TELL HER about my Girlfriend that I'm very happy with. And then invite my GF to come - even if I know she will say No. Get the idea? If she was into you - she would go out of her way to let him know that she was with someone - and make sure that you were OK with all of this. But she didn't. Why? because she doesn't want you to go in the first place.

This next statement of yours is the stupidest thing I've ever heard (no insult intended)

**********
I believe she did not specifically tell him b/c in that context it would have been goofy and b/c if she had, he would not have called her upon moving into the city to ask her to hang out.
***********

Goofy to tell him she happy and has a BF. Thats not goofy - not telling him is goofy. And if she had told him, he would not have called her - UhhH? So what your saying is, that she didn't tell him she had a BF (you) because then he would not have called her. Sounds like a date to me. Sounds like he wants her. Sounds like she was giving him the OK signal. Because - and I'll say this again - if she was truly happy with you - she would have gone out of her way to let him know that this was not a date.

Here is one more gem

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My issue is that she is the kind of girl who WILL do anything she wants when she is out of the love phase (she's a monkey girl).

This situation was one where she failed, like all girls, to see a "date" being set up, failed as Cassanova said, several steps along the way. So, my issue is that unless she has a serious reallignment of personality, she is not trustworthy.
**************

So you agree, she's nopt trustworthy. Then do what you know you must. Because as you've said before she's cheated on her ex BF's many times - so therefore she knows what she's doing and what games she's playing - fvck, she's had lots of practice. She knows how to play her guys. And your buying this sh#t hook line and sinker.

Don't be the next chump on her list. Blow her out of the water fast. Because she really doesn't get it. And if you have to explain it to her - she'll never get it.

Og course you will not. She will tell you how sorry she is, cry and whine and beg for forgiveness (which probably means this guy didn't do it for her) - but maybe the next one will.

You will save yourself a lot of heartache if you NEXT her now.

Thats my 02 cents worth. Good luck - you'll need it.

 

[Jay Fiedler]

Excellent post new man. Especially about her crying and begging to make up to him. But the thing is from my experience when a girl does that, it doesn't mean shes still not interested in the other guy. She doesnt want to leave herself without anyone, so she'll string our friend along until she gets to know this guy (or some other one) well enough to either stay with this relationship or move on to a new one. John only knows what she tells him, and thats his main problem. Hes believing everything she tells him when her actions say that he should believe NOTHING she tells him. ACTIONS SPEAK LoUDER THAN WORDS!! And her actions here were so disrespectfull.

But, from what I gather John is going to go along with whatever it is she tells him, and then he'll probably get his heart broke. THe thing that really irritates me here is its a PERFECT OPPORTUNITY to get total control of this relationship if he would just grow some balls and do the right things. But instead hes going along with whatever she says because deep down she controls things here and he doesnt want to risk losing her, even if it means to risk losing his self respect. Dude, accept what we have to offer, your going down the wrong road here.

 

[JohnJones]

That's on the harsh side, Jay, but I think I can keep up.

Clearly, the thought is that I should have laid down the law when the issue came up. I tend to disagree because I think that looks needy.

I PM'd you but if you have some thoughts that can go public, I am all ears.

 

[stormwriter]

Hey JohnJones,

What does this guy look like? Do you know? Have you seen him before? I think SEEING him can really answer a lot of questions for you. If the dude is good looking, or what "her type" is, then you have a LOT of questions answered.
If the dude is UGLY, then you know she was probably telling you the truth.

But, we all know she wouldn't offer to go to dinner with an ugly dude...

 

[Jay Fiedler]

John, again I'm not trying to personaly attack you, not in the least. I wish you nothing but the best with this. But I see you doing the common thing I see many people do when involved in a relationship that they dont have control or t least equal footing in, and that is to go along with whatever their partner says, and to do things that will cause the least amount of tension no matter how much you have to cower to the others wishes.

YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THIS-----You being upset and saying in a direct and clear manner that her going out with another guy under the circumstances you have told us is unacceptable-IS NOT CAUSING DRAMA OR BEING AFC!! In fact what you did and are doing now is afc, not the other way around.

When you go with the flow and dont get upset over things-thats great, when its small issues. Nobody likes a person who causes uneccesary drama over petty things. But I think you're confusing that with not getting upset over anything. And believe me when I say this is something to get upset over-big time. Im not saying you have to go scream and yell at her-that is afc. But just like her actions towards you, you have to SHOW her that what she did is UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR. However, you have chosen to go along with her story of things-when you have no reason to based on her actions.

I will PM you and we can chat if you want.

 

[Jay Fiedler]

John I sent you a long reply privately on the steps you need to take to regain control, I clicked send and it said your mailbox is full. Then when I went to save what i wrote, everything was gone lol.

Basically what I wrote is you have to tell her your having second thoughts, that what she did is disprespectful and you need time to "think" and see if she is really a girl you want to be with. Then ignore her for a while. If she calls, tell her your going out. If she asks with who and where, jsut say "out..with friends". Dont be specific-just say "friends". That will eat her up. She wont know if your really going with friends or a girl or what. Be happy, non arguementative, but brief with her. Like you dont really care. If she has high IL in you still, she will beg and cry and probably even get upset and yell at you, but she lost any right to be upset after what she did.

Then, maybe in 2-3 weeks, if you really want her back, call her up and say you'll give it one more try, but if anything like this happens again-your outta here. BUT, you have to make her stew and fret about this for a while. Let her know that pain of sitting home while you could be out with another girl. This will kill her if she really cares. Dont go getting back with her thursday. I Have many more tips but maybe we can chat on IM or something.

But you really have to look at is this the girl in the long run you really want to be with and trust, or is it just because you're somewhat jelaous right now and upset is that making you have more feelings for her than you really do. Something to think about.

By the way, did you go out wiht her saturday night? ANd if so what did you do and how was it?

 

[NewMan]

Agreed.

it's not being AFC to let someone know what is and is not acceptable.

One thing that you absolutely MUST do, is to be true to yourself - and if something someone is doing that is not acceptable - let them know and give them the opportunity to decide for themselves.

If you are not true to your own feelings - you will only hold resentment towards her - and you will be doomed to fail.

This really is not a small thing - in fact it's huge, it's a show stopper.

Personally - and I say this because I've no vested interest - I'd end the show straight away.

I'd tell her that it was over - because for me the writing is on the wall. I don't see that you can or will trust her. I don't believe she is trustworhty - and things like this will occur in the future - because this chick really just doesn't get it - or isn't ready for a mongomous relationship.

In my experience it's always better to end it early on. I've stayed to long in relatonships and it just makes things worse - plus you don';t want to be the guy she dumps (again) for someone else.

Not only this - should you really want something between you and her - dumping her now, gives her a clear signal that your not some guy that can be walked all over - and that you mean business.

That is the most important thing you can let a girl know.

End it - no contact for a while - I'd say a month or so - then think about it - if you still want her, go for it.

But at least then you can start again, and she knows exactly where your comming from.

But in the least you've gotta cut her loose - so she sweats it out.

Your not going to do it, but I think that's a bad move on your part.



Good luck.

 

[JohnJones]

Originally posted by Jay Fiedler

By the way, did you go out wiht her saturday night? ANd if so what did you do and how was it?

She came over to my place, I told her that I found her behavior questionable, maybe not to someone else on the surface but certainly to us, and she understood.

Then we had sex a few times and went to dinner.

 

[NewMan]

********
Then we had sex a few times and went to dinner
********

I rest my case.

We'll be here the next time it happens.

 

[Jay Fiedler]

John...you had sex and went to dinner. In other words, she can go on a date with another guy and its perfectly alright with you. Because that is what you showed her through your actions.

You have to understand, when my ex fiance' did the same thing to me, we as well had sex and went to dinner, movies, clubs etc. She acted as if all was well between us, meanwhile shes seeing the other guy too. I specifically told you NOT to see her saturday night, and not only did you, but you were intimate with her and took her for food. You might as well wear a sign saying "I'm a chump" around your neck. I'm sorry to be so crass, but seriously. Do you comprehend what this girl did?

She went on a date-and oh yes thats what it was-with another man while you two were in a committed relationship and you were left sitting there at home writing to this site friday night. Meanwhile shes having a great time with ANOTHER MAN. Dude, you may be one of the bigger afc's I've run across. Again, Im not trying to be cruel here-just show you the facts. And yes you put up a little fight about it, but your actions told her you would rather just sweep it under the rug and ignore it rather than be a man and put a halt to things.

I'm really sorry John, but we'll be seeing you again soon and next time you'll be saying we told you so.

 

[Jay Fiedler]

This quote here shows me how much you are trying to sugar coat things and just slide this under the rug and forget about it----

"I told her that I found her behavior questionable, maybe not to someone else on the surface but certainly to us, and she understood".


That couldn't be further from the truth. Almost EVERYONE here has said how blantantly wrong her actions were, you were the one trying to soften it!! And yet you told her the exact opposite!! And even though you sort of "confronted" her about it, its obvious you even tried to soften things with her by the words you used.

Tell me John, do you feel as though she cares less for you then you do about her? Do you feel as though she is more attractive then you or that you couldnt do any better? There must be some reason why you are allowing this woman to walk all over your manhood.

 

[Jay Fiedler]

Just to add to this. I asked a female acquantaince of mine if what me and all the other guys are telling you is off base. If somehow were just being paranoid-(which i know were not).

Her reaction John? And I quote, "Your an idiot". SHe said there was some attraction between the two of them at the high school thing, and that she wanted to see what he was like in a more intimate setting. She also said that if there wasnt any romantic interest on her part for him, she would have immeaditely told the guy about you two being in a relationship at the reunion, and also invited you to come along. John, your being played-or were played. Either way, school is in session and its time to start learning some things here.

 

[JohnJones]

Update.

Following a direct route, I let her know that I was having second thoughts and that I was taking some time to think the incident through.

She said her stomach dropped when she heard that, that she thought we talked through the issues and that she was a little shocked.

If she's as bad as anyone thinks, she'll be blo*ing some other guy within a week. If not, and it was a genuine misunderstanding, I guess I'll cross that bridge if it comes up.

 

[jbbrain]

jj,

I just read a previous post of yours listing all the red flags you felt she was taking on in your relationship..

I didnt know all this before I posted here.

I think you'd be NUTS to keep this chick dude. Honestly, crazy..

This girl, if everyhting you said as true, is just BAD NEWS. What else can we say? You even said you felt it. This chcik cheated like 5 times on her last boyfriend..how you can EVER disregard the very real possibility that she'll do the same to you is beyond me.

I would have never even gotten into the relationship in the 1st place. This chick has issues and I would have stuck it up her ass and then proceeded to kick her to the curb.

And I'm not even exagerrating.

Be cool dude, why sweat the ones that you KNOW are no good for you?

 

[JustDoItAlways]

More-or-less

A Friday night dinner with a guy she more-or-less just met IS a romantic date.

She went on a one-on-one Friday night dinner date with a guy she just met because he's new in town and wants to meet new people?

Sorry, even a 20 year old chick doesn't think this illogically. You said she's a lawyer.

More than clear she was testing out your replacement.

You can play some games to keep her around as Fiedler has suggested (good stuff by the way.)

But this kind of disrespect / cheating is more-or-less a nextable offence.

 

[Gangster Of Love]

Originally posted by JohnJones
She came over to my place, I told her that I found her behavior questionable, maybe not to someone else on the surface but certainly to us, and she understood.

Then we had sex a few times and went to dinner.

Wow, is that supposed to take care of everything? All's forgotten? Or should we pretend it never happened?

If I could, I would vitch-slap you rigth now. Why do chumps, and no offense chief, you are acting like one, reward second class behaviour? You are so afraid to stand up for yourself. Deep inside you know you'll loose her, and are afraid of the inevitable.

I tried to give your argument, and yes, you are rationalizing this one, the benefit of the doubt, but after the way this is unfolding, all these guys are right.

Be a a man, and be the one who cuts it off. It will communicate all the right things. Its the best, and only thing to do. Dump her. She has manipulated you, probably from the start, like she has her previous boyfriends. Why do chix do these things? Because it works. AFC men are so predictable; these women know exactly which and how to push the rigt buttons to get the desired response. Un-Fvckin'-believable!

 

[NewMan]

*****
She said her stomach dropped when she heard that, that she thought we talked through the issues and that she was a little shocked.
*****

This girl is good. It's irrelevant how she feels now. The damage is done, she saw this guy and either figured he wasn't worth it - or will continue to see him on the side.

It's BS.

Tell me J - this girl of yours is co-dependent right? She the kind of girl that doesn't leave a guy until she finds someone else.

You've identified many red flags with this chick - yet continue to be sucked in.

Why?

Is she hotter than you? Do you feel like you can't do better? Are YOU insecure?

What's the problem here?

******

If she's as bad as anyone thinks, she'll be blo*ing some other guy within a week. If not, and it was a genuine misunderstanding, I guess I'll cross that bridge if it comes up.

*****'

Not true. She'll do it when she finds someone else. Could be a week - could be 6 months. But it will happen.

 

[Gangster Of Love]

Originally posted by JohnJones


If she's as bad as anyone thinks, she'll be blo*ing some other guy within a week. If not, and it was a genuine misunderstanding, I guess I'll cross that bridge if it comes up.

Wishful thinking there. It probably won't happen after a week. Don't hold your breath waiting for a week to pass by to see if she left you. Matter of time.

 

[NewMan]

Update?

 

[Avsguy01]

Hey atleast the man got sex a few times......he he he