MacDiddy said:
I think wyldfire is alluding to the fact that she is "damaged goods". Accept her as she is or move on. I personally would rather move on, albeit at a time of my choosing. Definitely not worth marriage but string her along until a better offer comes along with fewer issues.
You have the power of choice.
No...not damaged. She is reacting normally...the way everyone acts when someone they love has died. When a family member dies do you stop loving and thinking about them just because they have died? Of course not. Are you suddenly unable to love your other family members just because one of them have died? Of course not! It's the same thing with romantic partners who have died. If you loved them when they died that love will live on forever and you will think about them sometimes. But that doesn't mean that you won't love someone else just as much or even more.
The one thing a person goes through sometimes when someone they were romantically involved with dies is fear of losing another romantic involvement to death. That's something I'm working on right now myself...but I've had the last two guys I loved die on me...so my tendency to be a commitment phobe is much stronger than usual at the moment. If this woman accepted a marriage proposal then she probably isn't dealing with that much.
The real problem here for the original poster is how he is handling and responding to this situation. He has unrealistic and unfair expectations that she will just forget about and stop loving the man who died or she must not love and want him. That's complete and utter foolishness. People can love more than one person at a time and if she didn't want to be with him, then she would not be with him.
Unless he can post examples of her genuinely being mean and she is drinking more than 3 times in 2 months, then I don't think anyone can honestly blame this situation on the girl.
She is Latin and Latin women are spunky anyway...add alcohol and she is likely talking very fast, is boisterous, kinda loud and hyper. He might be mistaking something that is cultural for being mean. That's the sense I'm getting in this.
Now, I've also been on the other side of this. My fiance who died was married before I met him and his wife died in a horrible way. He never knew for sure if it was an accident, she killed herself or was murdered. He loved her very much despite the fact that she was really messed up. He blamed himself for her death and felt incredibly guilty because he was in jail when she died and felt powerless. He was working hard to turn his life around, taking advantage of education opportunities, counseling, substance abuse groups. She was an alcoholic, drug addict and in my opinion, a horrible mother. I took her kids in when they almost ended up homeless...and loved them as if they were my own before I even met him. Even though his dead wife was a complete mess who treated him horribly...he loved her and was dealing with a lot of emotions from the situation. He needed to talk about his feelings and her in order to process what had happened, how he felt and get past it. He had to do those things. I recognized that and I helped him grieve. As a result of helping him, his love for me grew very strong. He often told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, that I treated him better than anyone in his life and that because I believed in him it helped him believe in himself more and want to become the best man he could. At first he had all of her letters and pictures and other keepsakes he kept with him. Once he finished grieving he asked me if I would take those items home and keep them safe for him. He was ready to let go of the past. Even though he moved on and loved me very deeply...he never stopped loving or thinking about his dead wife...and I never asked or expected him to. Yes, sometimes it was hard to listen to him put her on a pedestal because I knew that she was a hot mess based on things her children told me and things he told me. She hurt him badly and treated him terribly...but he still loved her. However, you just have to respect those memories. Now, if at any point she really does compare him unfavorably to the dead boyfriend he should speak up and say how it makes him feel...but gently and in a way that does not demean the dead person.
Bottom line...the OP is jealous of a dead man...someone who is gone and can't really take her away from him. If he loves this woman enough to want to marry her then he really needs to learn how to handle this situation better and put it into perspective. If he genuinely can't handle the situation and isn't willing or can't adjust how he sees and handles things then he should end things...but he also needs to know that she is NOT abnormal in how she is regarding the dead boyfriend...he's just not handling the situation well.
