Fiancee still brings up her dead ex-boyfriend

[Wyldfire]

I don't think it's an issue that she still loves her dead ex, but what you should be concerned about is that she is getting stinkin' drunk and using her past to degrade you.

I think you should atleast put off the marriage until she has her issues worked out.

Here is what he posted that she said when she was supposedly being a "mean drunk girl"

She is a very mean drunk, and when she is under the influence, she brings up her dead ex boyfriend and tries to compare me. Well, she doesnt try, she pretty much does. One night she said, and I'm quoting, "I love him and still think about him sometimes". This has happened at least 3 times in the 2 months she has been here, albeit to different degrees. Is she some kind of psycho or what?

Her saying she still loves the man who dies and still thinks about him sometimes is NOT cruel or mean and isn't even comparing them. The original poster just feels threatened by the memory of this guy and he shouldn't. That's my take on things, anyway...based on what he's said.

 

[SharinganUser]

Look, we can argue about this all day, but I think we can both agree that he doesn't have to dump her, and that they both have issues that need to be sorted out before they get married.

He's insecure, I do agree with you about that. But she seems to be self-medicating, and is only able to express her feelings about her ex when she is drunk.

He needs to stop being threatened, but she also needs to learn how to deal with her past without getting drunk.

 

[Vypros]

If you love your fiancee (and I assume you do), you have to accept that he is always somebody who she has a massively high opinion of; maybe even as high as the opinion she has of you. But it is you who is with her. Like sca-p said, if you cant accept that she will think of him and miss him, break it off.

I'm more concerned about her being a "mean drunk" and saying ignorant stuff to him while she's drunk that I am about her having feelings for the guy. THAT'S the warning signs, not her missing a dead ex-boyfriend.

I agree, you should NOT get married. Stay with her if you want, but DON'T get married.

 

[Wyldfire]

He hasn't given enough information to know if she has a drinking problem or not, though. So far, all we really know is that he feels insecure and threatened by her still loving and thinking about a man who died. It sounds like he is saying she drank 3 times over a period of 2 months. I wouldn't call that excessive. If she had a drinking problem she would be drinking much more often than that. Alcohol does tend to make people more loose lipped.

I think what he's NOT saying is what is key here. Was he drinking with her? Did his insecurities cause his own alcohol induced loose lips to bring the subject up in the first place? There is just too much that we don't know. He needs to tell us how the subject came up and how often they both drink and the tone of voice, other behavior, how she treats him in general, etc.

 

[Vypros]

He hasn't given enough information to know if she has a drinking problem or not, though. So far, all we really know is that he feels insecure and threatened by her still loving and thinking about a man who died. It sounds like he is saying she drank 3 times over a period of 2 months. I wouldn't call that excessive. If she had a drinking problem she would be drinking much more often than that. Alcohol does tend to make people more loose lipped.

I think what he's NOT saying is what is key here. Was he drinking with her? Did his insecurities cause his own alcohol induced loose lips to bring the subject up in the first place? There is just too much that we don't know. He needs to tell us how the subject came up and how often they both drink and the tone of voice, other behavior, how she treats him in general, etc.

I'm honestly not even concerned about her DRIKING problem here.

Things I don't care about:

1. Her dead ex boyfriend
2. How much she drinks

Thos things are immaterial to this thread as it is. What IS material and relevant is the fact that she's TRASHING him when she gets drunk.

THAT'S the problem. People are most honest when they are under the influence.

 

[Wyldfire]

I'm honestly not even concerned about her DRIKING problem here.

Things I don't care about:

1. Her dead ex boyfriend
2. How much she drinks

Thos things are immaterial to this thread as it is. What IS material and relevant is the fact that she's TRASHING him when she gets drunk.

THAT'S the problem. People are most honest when they are under the influence.

Go back and read the first post again...he gave "examples" of her "trashing" him...and she wasn't actually trashing him. He perceived her saying that she still loves the dead man and sometimes thinks of him as her trashing him. Sorry, but that is NOT trashing...it's her being honest about her having entirely normal feelings that every person in her position also feels. When you lose a boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance', husband or wife you DO still love them and sometimes think of them...that is 100% normal. If he honestly takes that at being trashed then the real problem is his own insecurity.

When you read posts about a problem you can't take the person's perceptions at face value. It's never that simple. You have to look at the hints and clues about what's really going on. Based on only what he said, it's his own perceptions that are out of whack and if we are all to help him then we need to be honest with him about his perceptions. Telling him what he wants to hear won't help him in the long term.

 

[BlackJackal]

I'd advise you to not marry this woman. It's one thing to be compared to an ex., but to a dead lover? Forget about it. She'll be on his nuts for life, while you're just a long term rebound. Her ex is literaly an angel in her eyes and all his flaws are erased. Meanwhile, everytime you do anything wrong it'll only justify her habit of bringing up her ex.

You cant save this chick. Marry her at your own peril.

 

[dietzcoi]

If you marry her I will promote you the the high rank of

"Captain Save-a-Ho"

Congratulations. Its the last promotion you will ever get.

Dietzcoi

 

[Scorched]

If you marry her I will promote you the the high rank of

"Captain Save-a-Ho"

Congratulations. Its the last promotion you will ever get.

Dietzcoi

Thats just too funny!

Seriously youngwilliam you need to sit down and talk to her. Let her know if she brings it up again she is gone. If she trys to argue with you, cut her off and end the conversation, something like "there is nothing more to talk about". Do it with full eye contact.

And oh yeah, don't marry her...

She is from Brazil?
Hope she isn't in need of a green card...

 

[MacDiddy]

I think wyldfire is alluding to the fact that she is "damaged goods". Accept her as she is or move on. I personally would rather move on, albeit at a time of my choosing. Definitely not worth marriage but string her along until a better offer comes along with fewer issues.

You have the power of choice.

 

[Wyldfire]

I think wyldfire is alluding to the fact that she is "damaged goods". Accept her as she is or move on. I personally would rather move on, albeit at a time of my choosing. Definitely not worth marriage but string her along until a better offer comes along with fewer issues.

You have the power of choice.

No...not damaged. She is reacting normally...the way everyone acts when someone they love has died. When a family member dies do you stop loving and thinking about them just because they have died? Of course not. Are you suddenly unable to love your other family members just because one of them have died? Of course not! It's the same thing with romantic partners who have died. If you loved them when they died that love will live on forever and you will think about them sometimes. But that doesn't mean that you won't love someone else just as much or even more.

The one thing a person goes through sometimes when someone they were romantically involved with dies is fear of losing another romantic involvement to death. That's something I'm working on right now myself...but I've had the last two guys I loved die on me...so my tendency to be a commitment phobe is much stronger than usual at the moment. If this woman accepted a marriage proposal then she probably isn't dealing with that much.

The real problem here for the original poster is how he is handling and responding to this situation. He has unrealistic and unfair expectations that she will just forget about and stop loving the man who died or she must not love and want him. That's complete and utter foolishness. People can love more than one person at a time and if she didn't want to be with him, then she would not be with him.

Unless he can post examples of her genuinely being mean and she is drinking more than 3 times in 2 months, then I don't think anyone can honestly blame this situation on the girl.

She is Latin and Latin women are spunky anyway...add alcohol and she is likely talking very fast, is boisterous, kinda loud and hyper. He might be mistaking something that is cultural for being mean. That's the sense I'm getting in this.

Now, I've also been on the other side of this. My fiance who died was married before I met him and his wife died in a horrible way. He never knew for sure if it was an accident, she killed herself or was murdered. He loved her very much despite the fact that she was really messed up. He blamed himself for her death and felt incredibly guilty because he was in jail when she died and felt powerless. He was working hard to turn his life around, taking advantage of education opportunities, counseling, substance abuse groups. She was an alcoholic, drug addict and in my opinion, a horrible mother. I took her kids in when they almost ended up homeless...and loved them as if they were my own before I even met him. Even though his dead wife was a complete mess who treated him horribly...he loved her and was dealing with a lot of emotions from the situation. He needed to talk about his feelings and her in order to process what had happened, how he felt and get past it. He had to do those things. I recognized that and I helped him grieve. As a result of helping him, his love for me grew very strong. He often told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, that I treated him better than anyone in his life and that because I believed in him it helped him believe in himself more and want to become the best man he could. At first he had all of her letters and pictures and other keepsakes he kept with him. Once he finished grieving he asked me if I would take those items home and keep them safe for him. He was ready to let go of the past. Even though he moved on and loved me very deeply...he never stopped loving or thinking about his dead wife...and I never asked or expected him to. Yes, sometimes it was hard to listen to him put her on a pedestal because I knew that she was a hot mess based on things her children told me and things he told me. She hurt him badly and treated him terribly...but he still loved her. However, you just have to respect those memories. Now, if at any point she really does compare him unfavorably to the dead boyfriend he should speak up and say how it makes him feel...but gently and in a way that does not demean the dead person.

Bottom line...the OP is jealous of a dead man...someone who is gone and can't really take her away from him. If he loves this woman enough to want to marry her then he really needs to learn how to handle this situation better and put it into perspective. If he genuinely can't handle the situation and isn't willing or can't adjust how he sees and handles things then he should end things...but he also needs to know that she is NOT abnormal in how she is regarding the dead boyfriend...he's just not handling the situation well.

 

[Bonhomme]

In Vino Veritas...

You can't compete with a dead "hero," and she's not gotten over his death enough to let anyone occupy the space she still holds for him.

Furthermore, she's Brazilian, and if she has a strong Catholic orientation, as many people in her nation do, she may never get over him. Writing as a former Catholic, I know of few people who tend to have a harder time accepting death than Catholics. The last time I went into a Catholic church, the prevalence of death imagery pretty well freaked me out...

Looks like she's not ready for you to marry. If you do, expect a lot more of this, and don't count on any end to it. At least give it some more time...

(Before this starts a religious flame war, please note all the qualifiers {"many," "if," "tend to," etc.}. Not everyone of any faith, nationality, etc. has the same views, hangups, etc., but only the terminally "politically correct" will deny that certain tendencies are evident)

 

[vorbis]

the bitterness of people on this forum at times astounds me.
This girl had someone she loved die!! How people can think that is something trivial is beyond me!

I agree completely with Wyldfire. This is really an issue for the OP not for his fiance. It doesn't sound like she's putting him down. If you're not secure enough to deal with it then you're best off ending things.

 

[Bonhomme]

She is a very mean drunk, and when she is under the influence, she brings up her dead ex boyfriend and tries to compare me. Well, she doesnt try, she pretty much does.

It's not that she misses her ex that's the problem, but if she's indeed being mean to youngwilliam and belittling him in comparison to her dead ex, that's a problem.

 

[MuayThai]

Once again a thread Wyldfyre posts in turns into the collective voice of SoSuave against her sh1tty advice.

I am on the verge of marrying a girl who went through the experience of losing on of her ex's to DEATH. Now, I am American and she is Brazilian. Not that it matters much. Anyway, she is currently staying with me in America. She is a very mean drunk, and when she is under the influence, she brings up her dead ex boyfriend and tries to compare me. Well, she doesnt try, she pretty much does. One night she said, and I'm quoting, "I love him and still think about him sometimes". This has happened at least 3 times in the 2 months she has been here, albeit to different degrees. Is she some kind of psycho or what?

You're about to face being compared to the memory of her dead ex until she gets over it. Sounds like you've caught her on some major rebound, she is still trying to deal with the loss of her ex, you're possibly just some intermediate boy friend to tie her over till she gets over it.

Don't listen to Wyldfire. Women do get over loss albeit slower than men. Just put it off until she deals with it, and if Wyldfyre is right and "when someone you love died you will NEVER stop loving them" you need to leave her.
In fact most mature women will try to get over a previous love before they get into a new one. My mum is doing this right now.

The real problem here for the original poster is how he is handling and responding to this situation. He has unrealistic and unfair expectations that she will just forget about and stop loving the man who died or she must not love and want him. That's complete and utter foolishness. People can love more than one person at a time and if she didn't want to be with him, then she would not be with him.

No Wyldfire, your problem is you can't see things from a mans perspective.
He wants her to love him only, not thinking about her dead boyfriend all the time. Is that so bloody unreasonable to expect that from somebody you're about to marry and possibly be with for the rest of your life? Absolutely not, he has every right to expect his woman to love him only, and if she doesn't? He has every right to dump her. Although it is unreasonable for him to expect her to just "get over it".

Fvck your sh1tty advice woman.

 

[mrRuckus]

Go back and read the first post again...he gave "examples" of her "trashing" him...and she wasn't actually trashing him. He perceived her saying that she still loves the dead man and sometimes thinks of him as her trashing him. Sorry, but that is NOT trashing...it's her being honest about her having entirely normal feelings that every person in her position also feels. When you lose a boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance', husband or wife you DO still love them and sometimes think of them...that is 100% normal. If he honestly takes that at being trashed then the real problem is his own insecurity.

Once again the "you're insecure" card comes out to excuse and deflect female bad behavior.

Talking about the ex is bad behavior almost always. We all know it usually annoys the other partner so keep it to your damn self. It's not "being honest;" it's being rude by puking up every thought in your head and to hell with the pain/uncomfortableness you might cause your partner especially when they don't even have a reason to need to know.

I know damn well that women complain if men talk about their exes. Geez, can't even tell them about how you used to bend your ex over the couch without them getting their panties wound up.

 

[wjh]

I wouldn't want to be with someone (especially married) who still loved their dead ex. That's too much baggage for me.

 

[wjh]

Wyldire = Female. 'Nuff said.

 

[PISTOL_WHIP]

There's some pretty whack advice in here.

Leave her? She's talking about a dead guy. Dead. He won't be gaming her again, ever.... because hes dead.

 

[youngwilliam]

THANK YOU!!!! And just to respond to Wyldfire's responses, I am indeed sorry that you lost someone in a previous relationship. But, that's what it is, previous. It's not the next guy's fault what happened to you before the two of you met. Insecurity, I think not!