youngwilliam said:
Ok, here is what I left out:
1) We went to see 300 a couple of weeks ago, and once we got back home, she said "my ex-boyfriend used to do cinemotography like that". Without me asking.
2) We were both drinking one night, and without my asking, she says "I love him and still think about him".
3) A couple of nights ago, we were having sex (she was drunk) and she stopped it, not only to talk about him, but called me his name.
4) Last week, I came home from lunch. and I walked in on her telling her Aunt about how we met. She said, "I met him in the bar, and that's when David (that's the dead guy's name) had died. Yes, we had sex the first time we met.
So, call me insecure, but all I want is a girl, potentially wife, that will love me and only me. Maybe that's asking too much..........
She's still not comparing you to him, though. I'll grant you that stopping sex to talk about him and accidentally calling you by his name was hurtful to you and insensitive on her part...that being said...it's not likely she intended or meant to hurt your feelings...especially since she was drunk.
She's going to talk about him, and for awhile it is likely to be fairly often. She not only can't help that, she really does need to do it...it's part of the grieving process. Trust me on this because I know. I honestly don't see any hurtful intent on the part of your girlfriend...and if I saw any real indication of that I would say so.
Now, I have been where you are before as well...so I do understand that it can be very difficult to deal with this. Sometimes you do feel sorta like "the consolation prize", especially early on. However, if you handle it properly, that feeling will pass. Out of everyone responding to you, I am most likely the one who has the best understanding of exactly what's going on with both you and your girlfriend because I have experienced both sides of this personally. I'm honestly trying to help you here, so please listen carefully.
The first thing you need to do is sit down with your girlfriend and tell her that you are trying very hard to be considerate, respectful and patient about this situation and that you understand that she will always love him and will be reminded of him and think of him sometimes...and that she needs to talk about him, her feelings and process all of that. You also need to tell her how difficult it is for you to hear these things because you feel like you can't compete with his memory because everyone tends to put loved ones lost to death on a pedestal. Be honest about your feelings because if you don't it is going to fester and boil beneath the surface and eventually blow up and cause one huge hot mess that will not be salvageable. This is some SERIOUS stuff you are dealing with and there is NO ROOM for putting up some DJ front with this...it will only cause YOU pain and her as well.
IF you can handle listening...encourage her to talk about him. Ask her questions about him and let her feel safe talking to you about him. Even though it might sound as if that would open a can of worms, it will be very good for your relationship. It will make her love for you grow so strong and fast that it will help her process the things she need to in order to make YOU feel better about the situation. It's hard to do this sometimes, and it takes a great deal of patience...but the payoff is truly great and well worth it.
When someone you love dies most people try to avoid talking about it with you or change the subject because they don't know what to say. For some reason people think they are supposed to take your mind off the loss. That prolongs the grieving process and prevents her from doing what she needs to do in order to be able to move on and be less affected by those memories. When people do this with her it's going to make her want to talk about him more and cause her to think about him more. This is why it's best if you can bite the bullet for a little while and help her get it out of her system so that she doesn't need to talk about him as much and is reminded of him as much. So...although it will be difficult and even sometimes painful for you to do...it's really in your best interest to encourage her to talk about him, her feelings and just let her get it out so she can move on in the way you want her to. This is your chance to lead your relationship in the direction you want it to go. Sometimes leading means making a sacrifice or exhibiting a great deal of patience...but if you want the results badly enough, it's worth the effort.
