Fiancee still brings up her dead ex-boyfriend

[youngwilliam]

Greetings and Salutations,



I am on the verge of marrying a girl who went through the experience of losing on of her ex's to DEATH. Now, I am American and she is Brazilian. Not that it matters much. Anyway, she is currently staying with me in America. She is a very mean drunk, and when she is under the influence, she brings up her dead ex boyfriend and tries to compare me. Well, she doesnt try, she pretty much does. One night she said, and I'm quoting, "I love him and still think about him sometimes". This has happened at least 3 times in the 2 months she has been here, albeit to different degrees. Is she some kind of psycho or what?

 

[foomee]

Yeah she is... leave her. Women's true sides come out when they're drunk. They lose their inhibitions and reveal everything.
Deep down she still wants this guy and she might never get over him. And if she's your fiancee... then you may want to rethink this.

 

[ObieJuan]

You're seeing the warning signs...do you believe that if you were to get married these things are just going to disappear? If I were you I'd find someone that has problems like burning the toast too much or having poor taste in music- stuff you can live with. Alcohol is like a truth serum- she may apologize later on but I bet she's hiding all of her issues until you make a commitment then BAM! everything comes out...and good luck at that point

 

[Phazuka]

He's Dead. Tell Her To Get Over It.

 

[ryannath]

Sounds like she has low interest in you, and if you marry her with her having low interest, she WILL cheat on you with other guys since she has the balls to tell you she still things about her ex.

 

[Marcopolo]

It takes a long time to get over the death of someone you really care about. some years ago my fiance died of a brain tumor, and I did the stupidst thing I could do-get into a relationship and marry a psycho woman. The reason I did this is because at first she reminded my of my former fiance in every way, and I ignored the warning signs. Anyway long story short she turned out to be a BPD psycho who messed me up even more, and that is how I found this site. For the last few years I have been single and have been working on myself to improve my own life before I get involved with another woman. This happened to me when I was 29 and it has taken this long to get back to normal for me.

 

[sca_p]

How long have you two been together? And how long ago did her ex pass away?

Your girl was, essentially widowed. This is incredibly hard for her and will take her a long time come to terms with because they didn't break up--he died, they were in love, and probably were planning on having future together.

Don't tell her to "just get over it." That's possibly the most insensitive thing you could say to her right now. Yes, the past is the past, but fact of the matter is that for most of her life (if not all of it) she'll be thinking about him and the future they could've had. Even if she loves you (and don't belittle her feelings for you), this other guy will always be a part of her life and that's something you'll have to come to terms with if you expect a future with her.

If you can't live with her thinking about another guy, saving a few pictures of him, and wearing the jewelry he gave her, then break it off with her and move on. It'll avoid a lot of unnecessary conflict on both parts.

 

[Obsidian]

why do we have all this Dr. Phil crap coming into the forum all of the sudden?

Tell that bytch that you're not gonna put up with her nonsense anymore. If she doesn't sincerely change her ways, drop her.

 

[CrunchyNut]

Im not sure how many of you guys have lost people that were close to you. Also, Im not saying you are wrong; this is a weird situation and one in which I would find myself asking all the same questions.

I have lost someone. It is very hard to tell people about it, which means that you tend to lay all your feelings about what happened out on the people that already know, rather than having to go through the whole "oh Im so sorry" thing which you have heard a hundred times before.

Secondly, it is nostalgia. She lost her ex, and he will have suddenly been vaunted up in her estimation. He will suddenly have no bad qualities, and will obviously not have a chance to show her any bad qualities that he does possess.

If you love your fiancee (and I assume you do), you have to accept that he is always somebody who she has a massively high opinion of; maybe even as high as the opinion she has of you. But it is you who is with her. Like sca-p said, if you cant accept that she will think of him and miss him, break it off.

 

[Obsidian]

she can like the f*cking bastard all she wants, but SHE DOESN'T NEED TO TAUNT HIM WITH IT. I don't give a damn if she's drunk; he shouldn't tolerate disrespect.

if she's being a b1tch to you now when you're ENGAGED, do you seriously think things are going to improve? think again!

 

[ThunderMaverick]

I agree with Obsidian. It seems she's mentioning her ex way too much alot lately. One person made the point that she sees the dead ex as a perfect being who had no flaws and made her the happiest girl.

I'm not saying break it off, but you have to realize that you can't save her from this baggage. I'm sure if you asked her (and this would be painful so don't) if her ex was alive would you pick him over you, she'd say her ex. Hands down. If it wasn't for the death she'd still be with him. I'm sure she thinks about this all the time. Then she looks at you and it's like...."eeh. I miss my ex so much."

Maybe you make her realize how much she misses her ex? I don't think you need someone like that if that's the case. She's angry at the world right now and there's not a damn thing you can do to help her.

When a person dies it's like they become a mythological being to loved ones.

 

[KingBeef]

Sounds like she has low interest in you, and if you marry her with her having low interest, she WILL cheat on you with other guys since she has the balls to tell you she still things about her ex.

RIGHT ON THE MONEY :trouble: :trouble:

 

[Lust]

RIGHT ON THE MONEY :trouble: :trouble:

Not only that but she'll use her "ordeals" as an excuse to. And probably an excuse to just be a b!tch when she feels like it.

 

[Bloke]

You marry her... you might as well sell your soul.

She should know her role, & shut her mouth.

 

[TillTheEndOfTime]

She's not over her ex. Dead or not she's not over him. This issue will drag itself into your marriage as it is already dragged itself into the current relationship.

Don't marry her. She's not ready.

 

[Sir Juanalot]

In vino veritas

Booze = truth, you have some thinking to do.

 

[Bourne]

Do not marry her. Read what the majority are saying.

 

[squirrels]

Greetings and Salutations,



I am on the verge of marrying a girl who went through the experience of losing on of her ex's to DEATH. Now, I am American and she is Brazilian. Not that it matters much. Anyway, she is currently staying with me in America. She is a very mean drunk, and when she is under the influence, she brings up her dead ex boyfriend and tries to compare me. Well, she doesnt try, she pretty much does. One night she said, and I'm quoting, "I love him and still think about him sometimes". This has happened at least 3 times in the 2 months she has been here, albeit to different degrees. Is she some kind of psycho or what?

Yes. Get rid of her.

 

[Wyldfire]

As a woman whose fiance' died I think I may be able to offer some insight here.

First, when someone you love died you will NEVER stop loving them. That doesn't mean that you can't also love someone new, because you can. It is a mistake to try to "compete" with a dead loved one...you will lose no matter what, and jealousy over a dead person is silly. This man is NO threat to you at all, but his memory is precious and priceless to the woman in question.

Whenever you face this situation you need to respect that love for a person does not die when they do. The person left behind feels the same way they felt about that person the day they died for the rest of their lives. If you can understand that, respect it and stop feeling threatened by it, in time, she will love you even more for it...eventually loving you more than she used to love the man she lost to death.

This happened with me. I was deeply in love with my fiance' and I still love him very much and always will. I do still think of him often and I always will. I do miss him at times and always will. Right after his death I became friends with another man who patiently listened to me talk about my fiance' during my grieving process. He was wonderful. I also was there for him whenever he needed to talk about anything. He and I grew to love each other very much. All of a sudden I realized that I actually had developed a stronger and deeper love for the man patiently listened to me talk about my dead fiance' than I had for the man I had lost. It took quite some time, but it happened. Sadly, the second man died about 8 months ago, too. In light of all the deaths of anyone I really love I've decided to steer clear of any emotional involvements with any men while I do my grieving this time.

So...the moral of the story is this...just because this woman still loves the man she lost...it does NOT mean that she doesn't or can't love you just as much or even more. You should not feel threatened by or insist that she not talk about the man she lost. Doing that will mean the end of your relationship with her. If your only issue is her still loving the man who died, then you should be patient and let it go. Now, if she is cruel or mean and says stuff like "I will never love you like I did him" or "He was better than you"...then end it, obviously. But if she isn't comparing you unfavorably to him or being intentionally hurtful it's nothing to be bothered by.

 

[SharinganUser]

I don't think it's an issue that she still loves her dead ex, but what you should be concerned about is that she is getting stinkin' drunk and using her past to degrade you.

I think you should atleast put off the marriage until she has her issues worked out.