End of my 3 year relationship. Your perspective welcome

[ItsBeenAWhile]

Hello all,

It's been a while really. I was an active poster on this forum in 2016 but I stopped. Cannot access the older account because it was registered under a different e-mail (for anonymity), which I have since lost access to. I am 21 years old now and have come back to ask for help, advice or just anything... Here's my story.

I was in a 3 year relationship until a few days ago. She was my first everything and I hers. In these 3 years we've had a few arguments here and there but have always managed to work it out, but not this time. We had an argument over a week ago which goes like this:

We were chilling together and just before I was about to leave (which I had already previously planned, unrelated to her actions which I will describe in a bit), I was talking and she told me to stfu. She began crying and told me I was annoying and just hearing me talk was hurting her head. My only response to this was not saying anything. She then started talking as if nothing had just happened. I left 5 minutes after that.

We did not talk or text at all after this, and after a few days she started texting me again as if nothing had happened. I also later found out that this was the very day she got her period (not sure if this has any relevance). I wasn't willing to respond until she either apologized or brought the topic up to address it. No apology at all from her except trying to start a conversation as if nothing had happened. A week after the argument (the day when she told me to stfu), she texted me telling me its over. All her texts from that point onward were "professional" - typed like how you would type in a formal setting. I swallowed my pride and called to talk to her to try addressing it. She told me stuff like "I didn't love her enough," "She misses her freedom being single," and a bunch of other horse****. She also complained that I was "too arrogant" because I refused to "let something so simple go" and that she is a girl and she should be allowed to do "girly things and have tantrums." (This is literally what she said. Allowed to do girly things and have tantrums.) Still, we both agreed to working it out.

I texted and called her the next day to ask how she was because she had been crying the whole time on the call. No reply. That evening I saw her put up stories so I contacted her again but no response again. Next, I don't know what got into me... nevermind I do. I looked online for help and the first thing that popped up was a reddit thread and in it was all a bunch of men agreeing that they never forgot and/or moved on from their first love and how they should've never let go. I thought what if this happens to me? I didn't want to take any chances so I called. And called some more. And some more. And some more. I texted her a lot as well. She didn't pick up or read my texts even once all this time (They were all going through so I know she willingly chose not to reply). Meanwhile she still put up stories occasionally all this time.

Finally, a few days ago, she sent me one last text telling me, again, that it's over. So it went from us talking and agreeing to work it out, to her suddenly having a change of heart I guess and not responding at all, to ending it before we even had a chance to talk again. This time thankfully I had better composure and just texted "good luck" and blocked her before she even had a chance to reply.

This girl was my first everything and I hers. My first kiss, my first girlfriend, the girl who I lost my virginity to... everything. She cooked for me, drove me places, bought me gifts and overall in my eyes was just perfect. She was clingy, had to talk almost everyday for hours, told me about everything in her life, texting me all the time and other stuff.

Did I mess up trying to be too much of an "alpha" or arrogant? If that is even the right word to describe it. Did I initially over react to what she did? What did I do wrong? What did I do right? I don't even know all the questions I have but I'm hoping someone can just read this and offer their perspective.

 

[Black Widow Void]

Welcome back.

Having the rug pulled out from under you is something we all experience. Adding to this... that she was your first on all accounts, I'm sure that this cannot be easy.

At some point, we usually crumble to some degree, but overall... I'd have to say that for a 'rookie' you handled yourself damn well.

The first piece of advice I offer is to carry a pen and paper with you. Each time that you think of one of her flaws, write it down. Seriously... write it down.

You're human and this means that you're likely going to have some strong moments, but also some weak moments. The "weak moments" will be things like... reflecting back and thinking "If only I had said or done ______ or _____ . Another weak moment is thinking that a phone call, text or an e-mail will mend things or put her in her place.

The purpose for writing down her flaws is to look back on these writings when there's a weak moment. This will provide you with a more realistic and balanced perspective.

As much as I hate to say it... any attention (positive or negative) toward her will boost her ego and destroy yours. I'm also going to say the one thing that you probably do not want to hear. It's best to move on. I realize that you may think that your situation is different and might be salvageable. And while that may or may not be possible, I can grantee that in doing so... you'll be selling out your self-respect. And then it will eventually end and you'll be left feeling worse.

My above paragraph might sound too "one-size-fits-all" .... but I hope you'll trust me on this one. I've made this mistake. In truth, more than once. In over ten years on this forum, I've also read from others that experienced identical outcomes. Although we may hope that we discover some magical nugget of advice that fixes things, the actual reality is that it's best to distance ourselves, lick our wounds, heal and move forward.

I suspect that you'll receive additional replies; some that may appear rather crass or insulting. Unfortunately, we have some members here that cannot feel good about themselves -- unless they can find some opportunity to cut someone down. Hopefully, you'll see through this and can be thankful that you're not as bad off as them.

It's likely that you'll have some up and down days. On the down days, reach out on this forum. We're men. Many of us have already gone through this and well help. Here's a SoSuave page that I'm sure you'll find helpful.

The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - Daydream Enginner Hey Guys and girls, Let's start the No Contact Challenge. This has personally helped me 2 years ago, and i have seen many members asking for "how to get my ex back", and after breakup questions. The idea is a simple one, for 60 days, you will...

www.sosuave.net

 

[soulforge]

Just my 2 cents.. You handled this well & not so well.

Look if your girl disrespects you, tells you to STFU, as a man who respects himself, your only option is to walk away.

If you don't walk away, your action let's her know, that talking down on you is acceptable & she will only escalate this type of behaviour.

When she didn't reach out to you to apologise, my friend you should have simply kept walking.. By reaching out to her & trying to fix things, you demonstrated two things to her.

01. You're willing to tolerate abuse/disrespect.

02. You're too weak to walk away & you gave her all the power (boosted her ego) by chasing her.

By the way, you cannot let a girl verbally disrespect you & just let her get away with it, because girls have TANTRUMS

You will get over this bro, we have all been here before. Keep walking and maybe she will reach out to you.

 

[Baibars]

We don’t know what happened and what the argument was about. The behavior she showed is unacceptable but it also depends what you said and did if it’s salvageable or not. If you did nothing wrong and she told you all those things I think I would just ignore until she apologizes.

 

[soulforge]

Anyone who has been with women for a while knows that they can become irrational when they have their period (guys even make jokes about women becoming 'bitches' when they're 'on the rag'). So yes, I do think it's relevant that her STFU outburst happened the day she got her period.

Sounds like it escalated from there to the point where she re-assessed her relationship with you and figured she could do better.

If she was on the rag and she said STFU and this was that rare isolated incident where she did something like this, then fair enough she messed up and potential to fix things.

But hey we all have bad days right. Why did she feel OP isn't even worth a simple apology?

 

[ItsBeenAWhile]

For clarification, she got her period on the day she reached out to me after the "STFU" incident, when she tried to resume as if nothing had ever happened.

For simplicity, here's the timeline:

Day 1 - Argument. I walk off.
Day 2/3 - No texts or calls from her.
Day 4 - She finally texts, trying to start talking again as if nothing happened. This is the day when she got her period.

 

[ItsBeenAWhile]

Welcome back.

Having the rug pulled out from under you is something we all experience. Adding to this... that she was your first on all accounts, I'm sure that this cannot be easy.

At some point, we usually crumble to some degree, but overall... I'd have to say that for a 'rookie' you handled yourself damn well.

The first piece of advice I offer is to carry a pen and paper with you. Each time that you think of one of her flaws, write it down. Seriously... write it down.

You're human and this means that you're likely going to have some strong moments, but also some weak moments. The "weak moments" will be things like... reflecting back and thinking "If only I had said or done ______ or _____ . Another weak moment is thinking that a phone call, text or an e-mail will mend things or put her in her place.

The purpose for writing down her flaws is to look back on these writings when there's a weak moment. This will provide you with a more realistic and balanced perspective.

As much as I hate to say it... any attention (positive or negative) toward her will boost her ego and destroy yours. I'm also going to say the one thing that you probably do not want to hear. It's best to move on. I realize that you may think that your situation is different and might be salvageable. And while that may or may not be possible, I can grantee that in doing so... you'll be selling out your self-respect. And then it will eventually end and you'll be left feeling worse.

My above paragraph might sound too "one-size-fits-all" .... but I hope you'll trust me on this one. I've made this mistake. In truth, more than once. In over ten years on this forum, I've also read from others that experienced identical outcomes. Although we may hope that we discover some magical nugget of advice that fixes things, the actual reality is that it's best to distance ourselves, lick our wounds, heal and move forward.

I suspect that you'll receive additional replies; some that may appear rather crass or insulting. Unfortunately, we have some members here that cannot feel good about themselves -- unless they can find some opportunity to cut someone down. Hopefully, you'll see through this and can be thankful that you're not as bad off as them.

It's likely that you'll have some up and down days. On the down days, reach out on this forum. We're men. Many of us have already gone through this and well help. Here's a SoSuave page that I'm sure you'll find helpful.

The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - Daydream Enginner Hey Guys and girls, Let's start the No Contact Challenge. This has personally helped me 2 years ago, and i have seen many members asking for "how to get my ex back", and after breakup questions. The idea is a simple one, for 60 days, you will...

www.sosuave.net

Thank you for your reply.

Your comment about strong and weak moments really struck home. After the first breakup text a week after she dumped me, that is exactly what I thought. She told me I was too arrogant and had been crying herself to sleep for days, and that I didn't care at all about her. Any other time, I would have probably continued to ignore her, but this time I decided to blow up her phone instead to try to convey that "I did care." Sadly that was obviously not going to help.

It's only been a few days since but even as I was writing this, I've started to realize that maybe she wasn't really all that perfect. Drama and little arguments everytime we were together and she'd even start tearing up in public as a result. As a matter of fact, the only time I can remember this not happening is on our first and second date. I'm going to note all these "perfect qualities" of hers as they come up in my head with time.

While deep down I do hope she comes back and we can work things out, I know it's better to just move on with my life.

I was incredibly distressed for a few days but I've stopped worrying as much. I'm not sure if this is a sign that maybe I really was too harsh with her, or too arrogant for our relationship, or if I'm in denial for now. I've been through harder times though, and I know it'll eventually get better.

Thank you very much, again, for your reply. I'm not sure I can express how much your reply means to me in words just yet, but maybe once I've fully moved on from her. Thank you.

 

[soulforge]

Because clear communication about needs and wants and feelings is actually kind of rare.

I get that.. but after clearly verbally abusing him, you would think a simple apology wouldn't be too tasking.

 

[ItsBeenAWhile]

I don't know why but it's forcing mod approvals for my posts. Thanks to everyone who's posted here. I have more details pending approval.

Edit:
For clarification, she got her period on the day she reached out to me after the "STFU" incident, when she tried to resume as if nothing had ever happened.

For simplicity, here's the timeline:

Day 1 - Argument. I walk off.
Day 2/3 - No texts or calls from her.
Day 4 - She finally texts, trying to start talking again as if nothing happened. This is the day when she got her period.

 

[soulforge]

I would be more interested in her 'reasons' for telling someone to STFU. And, in his case, tell her that her outburst made him feel extremely disrespected.

And after he makes her aware that was disrespectful? Where is the apology.

She carried on and acted like nothing happened.

A chick doesn't know its disrespectful when she tell her man to STFU.. really

 

[Bigpapa]

She told me stuff like "I didn't love her enough," "She misses her freedom being single," and a bunch of other horse****. She also complained that I was "too arrogant" because I refused to "let something so simple go" and that she is a girl and she should be allowed to do "girly things and have tantrums." (This is literally what she said. Allowed to do girly things and have tantrums.) Still, we both agreed to working it out.

Sounds to me like your mistake was that you were always around and did not give her space from time to time. Even controlling at times

you thought that you were being “alpha” and she tested you to see if this is the case

you do not get smacked in the head like that and you try to fix things when she tells you that she wants to brake up. You go stoic

“ look, I really like you and I think that we had a great relationship for the vast majority of time, but if you feel this way I think is better to call it off “

then you stfu and go on with your life. After a while she will ping you and just act aloof and let her do the leg Work if you still want to get back with her

the key with relationships is that you also have to be ready to get out of it and be ok with it, even if it hurts like crazy

you will get a lot of respect from the girl if she senses this

 

[CornbreadFed]

I was in a 3 year relationship until a few days ago. She was my first everything and I hers. In these 3 years we've had a few arguments here and there but have always managed to work it out, but not this time. We had an argument over a week ago which goes like this:

Congrats

We were chilling together and just before I was about to leave (which I had already previously planned, unrelated to her actions which I will describe in a bit), I was talking and she told me to stfu. She began crying and told me I was annoying and just hearing me talk was hurting her head. My only response to this was not saying anything. She then started talking as if nothing had just happened. I left 5 minutes after that.

Sounds like this breakup was long over due.

She told me stuff like "I didn't love her enough," "She misses her freedom being single," and a bunch of other horse****. She also complained that I was "too arrogant" because I refused to "let something so simple go" and that she is a girl and she should be allowed to do "girly things and have tantrums." (This is literally what she said. Allowed to do girly things and have tantrums.) Still, we both agreed to working it out.

Read in between the lines because this is classic female manipulation. Notice her statements are quite contradicting. The "you don't love her enough" & "too arrogant" is a tactic to make you the bad guy of the situation and justify her reasons to leave you. Her true intentions are placed in between those statements. "She misses her freedom of being single", which means that she wants to be single and test out the streets like every other girl. 10 bucks her friends are single and testing the streets right now too?

I texted and called her the next day to ask how she was because she had been crying the whole time on the call. No reply. That evening I saw her put up stories so I contacted her again but no response again. Next, I don't know what got into me... nevermind I do. I looked online for help and the first thing that popped up was a reddit thread and in it was all a bunch of men agreeing that they never forgot and/or moved on from their first love and how they should've never let go. I thought what if this happens to me? I didn't want to take any chances so I called. And called some more. And some more. And some more. I texted her a lot as well. She didn't pick up or read my texts even once all this time (They were all going through so I know she willingly chose not to reply). Meanwhile she still put up stories occasionally all this time.

This was a bad move on your part, but its your first relationship.

Finally, a few days ago, she sent me one last text telling me, again, that it's over. So it went from us talking and agreeing to work it out, to her suddenly having a change of heart I guess and not responding at all, to ending it before we even had a chance to talk again. This time thankfully I had better composure and just texted "good luck" and blocked her before she even had a chance to reply.

She straight won this war against you, and you do not have any composure right now. This girl is going to live rent free in your head for a while and potentially the rest of your life depending on what path you decide to take after this.

This girl was my first everything and I hers. My first kiss, my first girlfriend, the girl who I lost my virginity to... everything. She cooked for me, drove me places, bought me gifts and overall in my eyes was just perfect. She was clingy, had to talk almost everyday for hours, told me about everything in her life, texting me all the time and other stuff.

Congratulations, but 3-5 years later down the road, you will look back at this situation and see it as nothing.

Did I mess up trying to be too much of an "alpha" or arrogant? If that is even the right word to describe it. Did I initially over react to what she did? What did I do wrong? What did I do right? I don't even know all the questions I have but I'm hoping someone can just read this and offer their perspective.

You messed up by trying to make an expired relationship last with a girl in her early twenties. This relationship was already over, and she more than likely monkey branched to another guy, so there is absolutely nothing you could change about what you did afterwards to keep her. She is G. O. N. E. bro. Your only hope is that her tour de streets or rabbit sex fest with her new guy doesn't pan out and she comes back begging for you. I can tell you what you should do, but I already know that you are going to do what you want to do and follow the advice that provides the most potential in getting her back.

 

[Baibars]

Congrats



Sounds like this breakup was long over due.



Read in between the lines because this is classic female manipulation. Notice her statements are quite contradicting. The "you don't love her enough" & "too arrogant" is a tactic to make you the bad guy of the situation and justify her reasons to leave you. Her true intentions are placed in between those statements. "She misses her freedom of being single", which means that she wants to be single and test out the streets like every other girl. 10 bucks her friends are single and testing the streets right now too?



This was a bad move on your part, but its your first relationship.



She straight won this war against you, and you do not have any composure right now. This girl is going to live rent free in your head for a while and potentially the rest of your life depending on what path you decide to take after this.



Congratulations, but 3-5 years later down the road, you will look back at this situation and see it as nothing.



You messed up by trying to make an expired relationship last with a girl in her early twenties. This relationship was already over, and she more than likely monkey branched to another guy, so there is absolutely nothing you could change about what you did afterwards to keep her. She is G. O. N. E. bro. Your only hope is that her tour de streets or rabbit sex fest with her new guy doesn't pan out and she comes back begging for you. I can tell you what you should do, but I already know that you are going to do what you want to do and follow the advice that provides the most potential in getting her back.

You don’t even know how he acted and what really happened.

 

[CornbreadFed]

You don’t even know how he acted and what really happened.

I read enough

 

[Baibars]

I read enough

Makes no sense.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Her starting a fight over nothing was her way of trying to start the breakup process. She had already decided to break up with you long before this happened.

Likely you noticed some strange changes in her behavior for a few months prior as she started to emotionally and mentally pull back...maybe sex frequency went down, she was less interested in seeing you, etc

 

[CornbreadFed]

Makes no sense.

We don't need to know 100% of what happened because OP leaked out key details in his post. You could clearly tell the female was over the relationship and had possibly successfully monkey branched based on her interactions with OP.

How he acted, he can boast about how alpha how he wants, but his true intentions and feelings hide behind these things he said:

This girl was my first everything and I hers. My first kiss, my first girlfriend, the girl who I lost my virginity to... everything. She cooked for me, drove me places, bought me gifts and overall in my eyes was just perfect. She was clingy, had to talk almost everyday for hours, told me about everything in her life, texting me all the time and other stuff.

I was in a 3 year relationship until a few days ago. She was my first everything and I hers. In these 3 years we've had a few arguments here and there but have always managed to work it out, but not this time. We had an argument over a week ago which goes like this:

 

[BackInTheGame78]

No, the problem is that he didn't respond immediately to the disrespect. She says STFU and he shuts the fvck up, so it's not strange that she thought it worked. Also, she was in an emotional state, crying et cetera, so inappropriate behaviour can be expected.

I can be rude sometimes as well if I have a headache and someone keeps jabbering at me, but I would apologise for offending or mistreating someone I care about.

If a woman would have the audacity to say 'STFU' to me, I would immediately show displeasure and tell her that she has to tell me she doesn't want me to speak anymore in a respectful way. She wouldn't have been able to continue like nothing happened.
That's how you assert your boundaries.

He simply should not have been silent in response to her STFU.

Wouldn't have mattered. She decided she was done with him months ago most likely and this was the start of her causing the breakup.

 

[CornbreadFed]

Women are never wrong in their own heads; they can rationalize literal murder.

Preach

 

[ItsBeenAWhile]

@soulforge : Thanks for your response. There are things I wish I could change but sadly what's in the past can't be changed so all I can do is learn from this experience and move on as a better person.

@Bigpapa : We met once or twice a week. The week we broke up, we'd met twice in two weeks. I was busy with college so we were talking every other day at best and sometimes even went longer without talking, but she always texted me to keep me updated on how her day went. I can't think of any instance where I could've come across as controlling in this relationship. I let her hang out with who she wanted, even her girlfriends who I know sh!ttalked me and are definitely very happy knowing we have broken up. I didn't control what she wore, but she did also always dress modestly. Forcing her to talk to me? Never did any of that either.

To address the "alpha" thing: I left this forum in 2016 and by the time I got into this relationship, I honestly could not even remember most of what I learned from this website except some basic principles. My approach to this relationship was never being "alpha." I loved her. I still do. As a matter of fact, quite a few things I did in my relationship would be labelled "beta" by other members here. But I didn't care about that. I was just focused on having a healthy relationship and enjoying her company. The only thing I did is whenever I felt she was being disrespectful or crossing a line, I retracted attention until she apologized.

@CornbreadFed : I'm not sure what purpose your replies are meant to serve with comments like "I already know that you are going to do what you want to do and follow the advice that provides the most potential in getting her back." Obviously the only thing you, or anyone else replying, can do is offer advice. Which advice is followed is ultimately up to me. Maybe I'd follow yours if you were to offer it instead of coming across as some all-knowing asshat commenting just to sh!t on someone else.

@BackInTheGame78 : I never noticed any changes in her behavior at all. All our interactions were the same as they'd always been. She texted me almost everyday to keep me updated on how her day went, what she did, etc. When we met, her demeanor and behavior was also the same, except for the end. In fact less than a month ago she sent me a long text after a minor argument we had about how much she loved me, how she "found the right person for her," etc.

@AmsterdamAssassin : How do you suppose I should've reacted? Regardless I doubt my response to this was the reason she ended an otherwise unshakeable relationship.

@Money & Muscle : She hasn't found someone else yet. She might in the future but not yet. We shared our phones with each other (not as some method of providing either of ours' faithfulness, we just did) and there was nothing on her phone to indicate otherwise.