End of my 3 year relationship. Your perspective welcome

[behimo]

Anyone who has been with women for a while knows that they can become irrational when they have their period (guys even make jokes about women becoming 'bitches' when they're 'on the rag'). So yes, I do think it's relevant that her STFU outburst happened the day she got her period.

Sounds like it escalated from there to the point where she re-assessed her relationship with you and figured she could do better.

I don't understand, women get horny when they are on their period. when they tell me they are on their period that's a green light for me to get it in

 

[soulforge]

We don’t know what happened and what the argument was about. The behavior she showed is unacceptable but it also depends what you said and did if it’s salvageable or not. If you did nothing wrong and she told you all those things I think I would just ignore until she apologizes.

This is true, we don't know the context of the disagreement, but I can't imagine the disagreement was that bad, that OPs chick resorted to straight up disrespect/abuse

Unless op told her, he focked her mom last night.

 

[ItsBeenAWhile]

This is true, we don't know the context of the disagreement, but I can't imagine the disagreement was that bad, that OPs chick resorted to straight up disrespect/abuse

Unless op told her, he focked her mom last night.

I'm about to graduate from college and we were talking about our future. I told her my plans. She told me hers. I offered my opinion on her plan at which point she exploded and everyone already knows the rest of the story by now.

If you want, I can go in more depth in PMs. Highly unlikely she or anyone she knows browses this forum since it seems to be a shell of what it used to be, but I'd still rather not take chances in a public setting

 

[soulforge]

No, the problem is that he didn't respond immediately to the disrespect. She says STFU and he shuts the fvck up, so it's not strange that she thought it worked. Also, she was in an emotional state, crying et cetera, so inappropriate behaviour can be expected.

I can be rude sometimes as well if I have a headache and someone keeps jabbering at me, but I would apologise for offending or mistreating someone I care about.

If a woman would have the audacity to say 'STFU' to me, I would immediately show displeasure and tell her that she has to tell me she doesn't want me to speak anymore in a respectful way. She wouldn't have been able to continue like nothing happened.
That's how you assert your boundaries.

He simply should not have been silent in response to her STFU.

I have to agree with you on this.. OP should have Immediately checked her on the STFU
and then waited for her response. If she acknowledged that was wrong & apologised, then there is some grounds to move forward with the relationship.

I should know, because this is the EXACT thing that happened with my ex.. She told me to STFU over some minor disagreement.. I immediately checked her on her disrespect. She did not acknowledge any wrong doing, did not even apologise & simply went to sleep with her back to me all night.

I walked away.. And now she is my ex, because I dumped her lol

 

[ItsBeenAWhile]

Before any signs of disrespect, you should have a conversation about boundaries. I assume you didn't do that.
And at the FIRST sign of her breaking any of your boundaries, you should immediately assert that boundary. Which you also didn't do.

Women (actually people in general) have no respect at all for men who do not assert their boundaries. Fact of life.

Do better next time.

In the past whenever she did anything I perceived as disrespectful, I retracted attention until she apologized and cleared it up. Does that count as setting boundaries?

 

[Bigpapa]

@Bigpapa : We met once or twice a week. The week we broke up, we'd met twice in two weeks. I was busy with college so we were talking every other day at best and sometimes even went longer without talking, but she always texted me to keep me updated on how her day went. I can't think of any instance where I could've come across as controlling in this relationship. I let her hang out with who she wanted, even her girlfriends who I know sh!ttalked me and are definitely very happy knowing we have broken up. I didn't control what she wore, but she did also always dress modestly. Forcing her to talk to me? Never did any of that either.

To address the "alpha" thing: I left this forum in 2016 and by the time I got into this relationship, I honestly could not even remember most of what I learned from this website except some basic principles. My approach to this relationship was never being "alpha." I loved her. I still do. As a matter of fact, quite a few things I did in my relationship would be labelled "beta" by other members here. But I didn't care about that. I was just focused on having a healthy relationship and enjoying her company. The only thing I did is whenever I felt she was being disrespectful or crossing a line, I retracted attention until she apologized.

Then for sure her behavior is weird, as usually what I said is the mistake that the vast majority of guys do in relationships but in your case it does not Seem to be

for sure it is something that was annoying her, just that is difficult to put the finger on it

maybe this will be of help if you want to get her back eventually

The Ultimate Guide on How to Get a Girl Back

The most frequent email I get from readers is of the very gracious, magnanimous variety, with readers reaching out to say thanks for writing your blog, your book, etc., and sharing perhaps some of the successes that have come from, in part, applying what they've learned from my materials. But...

www.girlschase.com

 

[ItsBeenAWhile]

I will have to admit my fault in not properly communicating in this one. Maybe I should've immediately asked her to apologize or something right then and there, instead of thinking she'd realize her mistake. I hadn't had the time to properly analyze the argument in detail until it was brought up here but now that I think about it, when she responded in that manner when I was talking about the future, I started thinking that maybe she wasn't the one. After all, our plans would practically force us apart in the future, and her behavior on top of that (which was a hit to my ego) further convinced me to agree with that thought.

I must also concede that it was a huge hit to my ego after she was the one to eventually break off the relationship even though I crumbled and was willing to give her a chance even after already considering breaking up with her myself.

 

[Baibars]

This is true, we don't know the context of the disagreement, but I can't imagine the disagreement was that bad, that OPs chick resorted to straight up disrespect/abuse

Unless op told her, he focked her mom last night.

haha you’re exaggerating a bit but I get your point. I was always good at treating girls very bad that were into me. Did that with my last girl too. If he’d always show insecurities and pick up fights with your girl or whatever, she would have a valid reason to act like this at some point especially after 3 years. Women tolerate our bs when they are into us but if you spend 3 years with her it’s almost impossible to keep the attraction level so high that you can keep doing it .

 

[ItsBeenAWhile]

@Baibars : Post #32 for a better explanation of what led to the argument. I'm also not sure I understand what you mean with your third sentence?

@Bigpapa : Thank you. I'll check it out for sure.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

@soulforge : Thanks for your response. There are things I wish I could change but sadly what's in the past can't be changed so all I can do is learn from this experience and move on as a better person.

@Bigpapa : We met once or twice a week. The week we broke up, we'd met twice in two weeks. I was busy with college so we were talking every other day at best and sometimes even went longer without talking, but she always texted me to keep me updated on how her day went. I can't think of any instance where I could've come across as controlling in this relationship. I let her hang out with who she wanted, even her girlfriends who I know sh!ttalked me and are definitely very happy knowing we have broken up. I didn't control what she wore, but she did also always dress modestly. Forcing her to talk to me? Never did any of that either.

To address the "alpha" thing: I left this forum in 2016 and by the time I got into this relationship, I honestly could not even remember most of what I learned from this website except some basic principles. My approach to this relationship was never being "alpha." I loved her. I still do. As a matter of fact, quite a few things I did in my relationship would be labelled "beta" by other members here. But I didn't care about that. I was just focused on having a healthy relationship and enjoying her company. The only thing I did is whenever I felt she was being disrespectful or crossing a line, I retracted attention until she apologized.

@CornbreadFed : I'm not sure what purpose your replies are meant to serve with comments like "I already know that you are going to do what you want to do and follow the advice that provides the most potential in getting her back." Obviously the only thing you, or anyone else replying, can do is offer advice. Which advice is followed is ultimately up to me. Maybe I'd follow yours if you were to offer it instead of coming across as some all-knowing asshat commenting just to sh!t on someone else.

@BackInTheGame78 : I never noticed any changes in her behavior at all. All our interactions were the same as they'd always been. She texted me almost everyday to keep me updated on how her day went, what she did, etc. When we met, her demeanor and behavior was also the same, except for the end. In fact less than a month ago she sent me a long text after a minor argument we had about how much she loved me, how she "found the right person for her," etc.

@AmsterdamAssassin : How do you suppose I should've reacted? Regardless I doubt my response to this was the reason she ended an otherwise unshakeable relationship.

@Money & Muscle : She hasn't found someone else yet. She might in the future but not yet. We shared our phones with each other (not as some method of providing either of ours' faithfulness, we just did) and there was nothing on her phone to indicate otherwise.

In hindsight that was her way of saying "goodbye" and letting you go in her mind.

Had this happen a few times to me too...it's almost like they know they are going to break up but it causes them to become very lovey dovey in unexpected ways as in "one last time" and then I have to let it go...

One time I was getting ready to leave a woman's house I had been dating for almost a year and she just had this weird look on her face standing by my car door looking at me and I opened the door and asked if she was OK and she just over, leaned in and hugged me super tight and said I just needed to do that, then said she loved me.

Then it all started to unravel...

Willing to bet that was the same thing for you.

You don't think it makes sense because you are looking at it logically.

 

[ItsBeenAWhile]

Thank you everyone for your response so far. What was/is going through her mind, only she knows, and maybe I will if we ever get back together but no matter, if it happens, it'll happen, that's not my focus at this point.

I'd like to know how I should proceed now? We both still have each other on social medias. Some have suggested being seen with other women. Should I do that? Or what should be my response now and in the future coming weeks/months? I'm normally a very "quiet" person on social media and mainly use it to stay connected with friends, family and a few interesting pages. I suppose I could also come across as intentionally trying to "exact revenge" if all of a sudden I start posting with girls when I barely posted anything in the past.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Thank you everyone for your response so far. What was/is going through her mind, only she knows, and maybe I will if we ever get back together but no matter, if it happens, it'll happen, that's not my focus at this point.

I'd like to know how I should proceed now? We both still have each other on social medias. Some have suggested being seen with other women. Should I do that? Or what should be my response now and in the future coming weeks/months? I'm normally a very "quiet" person on social media and mainly use it to stay connected with friends, family and a few interesting pages. I suppose I could also come across as intentionally trying to "exact revenge" if all of a sudden I start posting with girls when I barely posted anything in the past.

Stop worrying about what it will "look like" to her and do what you want to do.

She is not your responsibility anymore and you don't need to worry about how she will respond to it.

 

[ItsBeenAWhile]

No, it doesn't.
The way you set the boundary, you also discuss what the 'penalty' or 'punishment' would be, so the offending party knows what the consequences are for the transgression.

For instance, if you had told her in advance 'if you disrespect me, you will get the silent treatment until you apologise', then you set a boundary. By not explaining to her the consequences for her misbehaviour, you force her to figure out how to deal with your silence, leaving everything open for (her) interpretation. Your 'silent treatment' could easily be misinterpreted as 'sulking', which makes you an oversensitive manchild, not a mature person withdrawing attention.

Through some self reflection after she dumped me, I came to the same conclusion that in the future, boundaries must be communicated clearly, directly and firmly right from the start. Hadn't though about whether my actions could be construed as setting a boundary but I understand now that it wasn't.

In hindsight that was her way of saying "goodbye" and letting you go in her mind.

Had this happen a few times to me too...it's almost like they know they are going to break up but it causes them to become very lovey dovey in unexpected ways as in "one last time" and then I have to let it go...

One time I was getting ready to leave a woman's house I had been dating for almost a year and she just had this weird look on her face standing by my car door looking at me and I opened the door and asked if she was OK and she just over, leaned in and hugged me super tight and said I just needed to do that, then said she loved me.

Then it all started to unravel...

Willing to bet that was the same thing for you.

You don't think it makes sense because you are looking at it logically.

Thank you for sharing your own experience. If even sending me paragraphs about how much she loved me and wanted us to be together was a way of saying goodbye, how can you tell what's genuine? Or do you just hope for the best and go along?

 

[ItsBeenAWhile]

Stop worrying about what it will "look like" to her and do what you want to do.

She is not your responsibility anymore and you don't need to worry about how she will respond to it.

How would you respond in this scenario? So far I've done what I wanted to do and it's starting to become clear that it's maybe not always the best thing that could've been done. I don't want to make avoidable mistakes.

 

[soulforge]

No, it doesn't.
The way you set the boundary, you also discuss what the 'penalty' or 'punishment' would be, so the offending party knows what the consequences are for the transgression.

For instance, if you had told her in advance 'if you disrespect me, you will get the silent treatment until you apologise', then you set a boundary. By not explaining to her the consequences for her misbehaviour, you force her to figure out how to deal with your silence, leaving everything open for (her) interpretation. Your 'silent treatment' could easily be misinterpreted as 'sulking', which makes you an oversensitive manchild, not a mature person withdrawing attention.

This is good.

I'm actually very about clearly communicating my boundries & what behaviours are not acceptable & the possible consequences.

If she chooses to ignore my wishes, then she kinda knows why I chose to walk the F off.

This is good advice.

 

[CornbreadFed]

welp, good luck OP

 

[Bigpapa]

How would you respond in this scenario? So far I've done what I wanted to do and it's starting to become clear that it's maybe not always the best thing that could've been done. I don't want to make avoidable mistakes.

don’t chase and be needy . The more you chase, the more her attraction towards you will plump

Right now the only thing that you can do is to live your life at your fullest, and this includes talking with other women

you do not have to sleep with them if you do not feel like doing it, just talking with them is enough

pre-selection works in your favor

 

[ItsBeenAWhile]

Then for sure her behavior is weird, as usually what I said is the mistake that the vast majority of guys do in relationships but in your case it does not Seem to be

for sure it is something that was annoying her, just that is difficult to put the finger on it

maybe this will be of help if you want to get her back eventually

The Ultimate Guide on How to Get a Girl Back

The most frequent email I get from readers is of the very gracious, magnanimous variety, with readers reaching out to say thanks for writing your blog, your book, etc., and sharing perhaps some of the successes that have come from, in part, applying what they've learned from my materials. But...

www.girlschase.com

I read through it and another post on that website. What really stuck with me is "When you get your girlfriend back, it's never the same as the first time around, because there is always a sense that she has left you to find something better, and not found it. She's back with you again because she's settling for the best she can get - you." I remember now discussing with her before that if the relationship were to end, it'd be over, no coming back from that. I also don't want to be the guy she comes back to after worshipping another man or even guzzling his ***. Must be my "arrogance", which led to this breakup in the first place, according to her.

I'm going to NC her and move on with life as is. Not going to make a lot of posts on social media as if I'm obviously trying to put it in her face but I'll occasionally post about the new adventures I'm thinking of exploring now that I have more time and motivation than I did before. I'll detail the days to come on the NC specific thread.

 

[The Duke]

She told me stuff like "I didn't love her enough," "She misses her freedom being single," and a bunch of other horse****. She also complained that I was "too arrogant" because I refused to "let something so simple go" and that she is a girl and she should be allowed to do "girly things and have tantrums." (This is literally what she said. Allowed to do girly things and have tantrums.) Still, we both agreed to working it out.

Classic lines from a woman that doesn't want to be with a man anymore.

They are never straight forward in these situations. They throw in so much random bs that doesn't hold water that it throws you off. The first few things out of a womans mouth when she is complaining about a relationship is never the source of the complaint. They are indirect communicators with two distinct operating systems running in conjunction.

Here's what this is about:

She misses her freedom being single, she is a girl and she should be allowed to do "girly things and have tantrums."

This translates to:
I want some new cahk, I want to do whatever I feel like, all my friends are doing it.

Keep yourself busy, hang out with your buddies, and move forward. At some point you will look back on this relationship and see it more clearly.

 

[soulforge]

Classic lines from a woman that doesn't want to be with a man anymore.

They are never straight forward in these situations. They throw in so much random bs that doesn't hold water that it throws you off. The first few things out of a womans mouth when she is complaining about a relationship is never the source of the complaint. They are indirect communicators with two distinct operating systems running in conjunction.

Here's what this is about:

She misses her freedom being single, she is a girl and she should be allowed to do "girly things and have tantrums."

This translates to:
I want some new cahk, I want to do whatever I feel like, all my friends are doing it.

Keep yourself busy, hang out with your buddies, and move forward. At some point you will look back on this relationship and see it more clearly.

This is spot on, she is looking for a way out so she can take strange dik again.

"A girl should be allowed to do girly things, have tantrums and verbaly abuse you"

This statement here is complete BS