End of my 3 year relationship. Your perspective welcome

[Bokanovsky]

This is one of the reasons why I like the kink community: in order to be able to enjoy your kinks, you have to clearly assert your desires and boundaries so you can clearly consent.
This becomes all the more important when you place someone in restraints (rope, handcuffs, leather cuffs, chains, bodybag, whatever), because to restrain someone without consent is unlawful and a crime.
And if you do for instance Impact Play, you have to clearly state your preferred implement (flogger, yes; whip, no; paddle, maybe) and where they are used on the body and what safe words you will use to pause/stop the session.
You don't want to be vague in these type of negotiations, because the consequences can be dire.

Do you get their consent in writing, with a certificate of independent legal advice attached?

 

[Bokanovsky]

Of course, I have a team of legal eagles standing by.

Standing by? Hopefully not in a literal sense

 

[Barrister]

OP,

Women never apologize except in a very superficial way. Expecting her to suddenly realize how big a b1tch she was being to you is unrealistic. It just isn't reality.

Women think they are apologizing by their indirect actions. Her reaching out to you "like nothing happened" as you put it was her way of apologizing. She thinks because she is willing to move on like nothing happened that she has adequately "forgiven" you. We don't see it that way as men - but you can never hold a woman to the same standard as a man.

All that aside, I am sorry you are experiencing this. I remember being 20 years old and being in your shoes with my first. It sucks. Go to the No Contact page for extra support, but in meantime meet other women, get in the gym and work your ass off, and keep improving either at your job or in your studies. As they say, this too shall pass. We are here for you.

 

[Bigpapa]

OP,

Women never apologize except in a very superficial way. Expecting her to suddenly realize how big a b1tch she was being to you is unrealistic. It just isn't reality.

Solid post

women do not live in this reality, and when reality hits them they become passive aggressive

I remember when a girl was insisting to see my instagram. After a while she became very aggressive that I do not want to share my insta with her. Asked her why it is so important for her my insta and she replied because she wants to see if I have a gf

I replied to her that even if I had a gf if I wanted to cheat I would not keep pictures with her there

I only remember after her looking at me and then telling me that I am a sociopath for thinking like this and then she left a couple of minutes later because she was tired of cheaters

If for them something makes sense and in reality it does not make any sense, she will not accept reality and You are the bad guy

coming to the OP, yeah his expectations were off but at the same time this was not a solid brake up motive. For sure something else was there and this only maybe precipitated stuff that would have happened either way down the road

 

[ManFromTartarus]

I'll let you go thru all the details with the good members here, I'm sure you will get some great advice from the experienced.
As I stopped reading after this...

I am 21 years old ...She was my first ...

Don't let yourself get too mired down in trying to over analyze what went wrong or what were the motives, because my simple perspective is...

This is the first steps in what will be a lifelong journey of relationships with women, as much as you should learn from what has happened with the past, you should also focus on what is on your horizon.

 

[Bigpapa]

You could have several IGs. Or you could have an IG that doesn't show your relationship(s).


If you want to cheat, social media is not going to stop you.


Me thinks she already decided not to be with you.

the idea was to never have discussions about serious stuff with women, or to talk about reality as they will backfire sooner or later

women have their own “reality”

 

[Glassguy]

Lots of good stuff in this thread. Especially about woman behavior and boundaries.
Concerning boundaries- if a woman brings up "the talk" about exclusiveness, there are certain things that need to be established. No cheating, lying, deceiving or attention wh0ring. Period. All grounds for IMMEDIATE dismissal and you don't even owe them a reason why they never heard from you again after you ghost them.
These are the most dysfunctional forms of female disrespect in a relationship.

It's an interesting point to be discussed about a woman being disrespectful. If a woman told me to STFU in any none joking manner, the hell if I'd just sit there in silence. Would I throw a fit? No.
I'd simply get up and tell her to contact me when she can act like a respectful adult and if she can't, don't contact me at all. Then I would enthusiastically show myself out the door. Or show her out the door.
She'd have some @ss to kiss at best case scenario. She wouldn't hear from me again worst case scenario.
When a woman's character changes in a relationship from good to.....well......this behavior, her feelings have also changed.
Her telling OP to STFU was showing that she had lost respect and devalued him already. She was already thinking of ending things or had her eye on another guy.

When he did NOTHING about her disrespect, that finished him off.

Boundaries are only as strong as the person's frame that enforces them.

Happy Hunting

 

[ItsBeenAWhile]

Lots of good stuff in this thread. Especially about woman behavior and boundaries.
Concerning boundaries- if a woman brings up "the talk" about exclusiveness, there are certain things that need to be established. No cheating, lying, deceiving or attention wh0ring. Period. All grounds for IMMEDIATE dismissal and you don't even owe them a reason why they never heard from you again after you ghost them.
These are the most dysfunctional forms of female disrespect in a relationship.

It's an interesting point to be discussed about a woman being disrespectful. If a woman told me to STFU in any none joking manner, the hell if I'd just sit there in silence. Would I throw a fit? No.
I'd simply get up and tell her to contact me when she can act like a respectful adult and if she can't, don't contact me at all. Then I would enthusiastically show myself out the door. Or show her out the door.
She'd have some @ss to kiss at best case scenario. She wouldn't hear from me again worst case scenario.
When a woman's character changes in a relationship from good to.....well......this behavior, her feelings have also changed.
Her telling OP to STFU was showing that she had lost respect and devalued him already. She was already thinking of ending things or had her eye on another guy.

When he did NOTHING about her disrespect, that finished him off.

Boundaries are only as strong as the person's frame that enforces them.

Happy Hunting

Why did she continue to text me, trying to talk as if nothing had happened, just a few days later? Shouldn't the relationship have been over right after her disrespect if that was the cause of the breakup?

When she broke up with me, she told me she'd been crying herself to sleep everyday I didn't talk to her and she didn't want to be with someone who was ok with that. She also threw out a bunch of "I don't care" and "I miss being single and free" crap at the end. This is why I think that while my response may have contributed a little, my perceived nonchalance may have been what actually led to the breakup.

I'm just having a difficult time wrapping my head around how she lost feelings because of me blowing her off within the span of a week after a 3 year long relationship? Was there no love at all?

I know she wasn't talking to any other guy when we broke up. I don't think she was thinking of some other dude either but there's no way I can read her mind. She could be talking to some other guy now, I don't know and honestly that's none of my concern either at this point. I'd rather analyze the relationship so I can learn from it instead of concerning myself with her future.

Also thank you for your comment on boundaries. I should've established them right when she brought up the exclusivity talk.

 

[CornbreadFed]

I'm just having a difficult time wrapping my head around how she lost feelings because of me blowing her off within the span of a week after a 3 year long relationship? Was there no love at all?

Her feelings for you began to decline a long time ago. It didn’t happen recently. A guy could literally cheat on a girl with high interest and she would still find a reason to forgive him.

 

[Bigpapa]

When she broke up with me, she told me she'd been crying herself to sleep everyday I didn't talk to her and she didn't want to be with someone who was ok with that. She also threw out a bunch of "I don't care" and "I miss being single and free" crap at the end. This is why I think that while my response may have contributed a little, my perceived nonchalance may have been what actually led to the breakup.

I'm just having a difficult time wrapping my head around how she lost feelings because of me blowing her off within the span of a week after a 3 year long relationship? Was there no love at all?

I know she wasn't talking to any other guy when we broke up. I don't think she was thinking of some other dude either but there's no way I can read her mind. She could be talking to some other guy now, I don't know and honestly that's none of my concern either at this point. I'd rather analyze the relationship so I can learn from it instead of concerning myself with her future.

Also thank you for your comment on boundaries. I should've established them right when she brought up the exclusivity talk.

Sounds to me that she auto rejected, now that you explained a bit better what has happened

she felt maybe that out of sudden you are colder towards her than you used to be, or that you are not getting closer to her after this amount of time

I would stay away from trying to make her jealous, as most likely this will backfire

if you feel that what I said is the cause, you have to move slowly but surely acting opposite than you were acting

it does not have to be a permanent brakeup, but also if you go alpha for sure it will backfire

you have to take your time and think about how things evolved, as for sure the issue is older than 1 week. Maybe couple of months back

 

[ItsBeenAWhile]

Sounds to me that she auto rejected, now that you explained a bit better what has happened

she felt maybe that out of sudden you are colder towards her than you used to be, or that you are not getting closer to her after this amount of time

I would stay away from trying to make her jealous, as most likely this will backfire

if you feel that what I said is the cause, you have to move slowly but surely acting opposite than you were acting

it does not have to be a permanent brakeup, but also if you go alpha for sure it will backfire

you have to take your time and think about how things evolved, as for sure the issue is older than 1 week. Maybe couple of months back

I'm not sure what auto rejected means? I've sure forgotten a lot of terms after not posting for years but that term doesn't ring a bell at all.

I think it's the latter, that I wasn't "getting closer to her."

I think so too. Besides, it wouldn't be like me and if I were to show off too much that I'm better off without her, it'd be obvious I'm just trying to exact revenge. Knowing myself the best course of action would probably be to maintain status quo and keep up with work/life.

I'm not sure how I should act opposite to how I was acting in this scenario. We've already broken up. There's been no communication. After having a weak moment where I practically begged for her not to leave, now I also have no intention of being the one to restart our communications. It'd probably put me in a worse sport. I would probably accept her back if she apologized and was willing to accept newly set boundaries or guidelines for her behavior.

You're right. This "issue" does go back a couple of months. She has complained about me not being "loving enough" in the past. When we last talked she brought it up again and also said "it's clear now that I'm not the one for you."

Edit: The only thing this not being loving enough is connected with is me retracting attention from her whenever I perceived her actions to be disrespectful. Otherwise, I fvcked this girl, kissed her, told her I loved her, went out with her, fed her, reassured her, helped her with work/school, gave her general advice on life and whatnot. Funnily enough she also said that I never complimented her near the end of our call (probably just trying to stick in whatever reason she could think of to justify the breakup at the end). I mean it's not like I complimented her every second we were together but I did do it occasionally, telling her she looked good, dress looked good, makeup looked good and shyt.

 

[ItsBeenAWhile]

Her feelings for you began to decline a long time ago. It didn’t happen recently. A guy could literally cheat on a girl with high interest and she would still find a reason to forgive him.

Does your opinion stand after post #69? Also you never told me what you think I should do.

 

[Bigpapa]

I'm not sure what auto rejected means? I've sure forgotten a lot of terms after not posting for years but that term doesn't ring a bell at all.

I think it's the latter, that I wasn't "getting closer to her."

I think so too. Besides, it wouldn't be like me and if I were to show off too much that I'm better off without her, it'd be obvious I'm just trying to exact revenge. Knowing myself the best course of action would probably be to maintain status quo and keep up with work/life.

I'm not sure how I should act opposite to how I was acting in this scenario. We've already broken up. There's been no communication. After having a weak moment where I practically begged for her not to leave, now I also have no intention of being the one to restart our communications. It'd probably put me in a worse sport. I would probably accept her back if she apologized and was willing to accept newly set boundaries or guidelines for her behavior.

You're right. This "issue" does go back a couple of months. She has complained about me not being "loving enough" in the past. When we last talked she brought it up again and also said "it's clear now that I'm not the one for you."

Edit: The only thing this not being loving enough is connected with is me retracting attention from her whenever I perceived her actions to be disrespectful. Otherwise, I fvcked this girl, kissed her, told her I loved her, went out with her, fed her, reassured her, helped her with work/school, gave her general advice on life and whatnot. Funnily enough she also said that I never complimented her near the end of our call (probably just trying to stick in whatever reason she could think of to justify the breakup at the end). I mean it's not like I complimented her every second we were together but I did do it occasionally, telling her she looked good, dress looked good, makeup looked good and shyt.

you have your answer then

she thought that you do not care for her or like her enough, so she decided that she will end up things with you before you will end it up yourself

depends on how much you like the girl, if you like her enough then it is ok to value the relationship with her slightly more than your rules about relationships as a way to compensate for other stuff that you did not do

you do not have to beg to get back together, but you can say that you feel bad for things Ending up like this and that you really like her a lot as a human being and that you should have showed this more when you had the chance. This is what really masculine guys do, take responsibility for their mistakes. Maybe it is not a big mistake but down the road it is a fatal one, as women are insecure as hell

I also believe that this is a great story for the guys who think that you do not have to show the girl that you like her or punish her every time she does something stupid. Sooner or later she will have a brake down and things will still end up in sh1t. Same thing happened to me

 

[ItsBeenAWhile]

I'm having an intense surge of emotions right now all of a sudden so I won't be able to respond to your messages just yet but Bigpapa I would appreciate it if you could share your own story as well or let me know where I can read it if you've posted it before. I'm gonna have to take a breather and reply tomorrow.

 

[Bigpapa]

I'm having an intense surge of emotions right now all of a sudden so I won't be able to respond to your messages just yet but Bigpapa I would appreciate it if you could share your own story as well or let me know where I can read it if you've posted it before. I'm gonna have to take a breather and reply tomorrow.

nothing crazy from my end, quite boring story

but it was the girl that I dated through uni years, and I never really showed her how much I really liked Her. Everything was great till one day she tells me that she needs a brake out of the sudden while I was thinking that things between us are better than ever

then after like 1 month we got together, I did not want to show any weakness so just brushed off anything but made me even colder towards her. 1 year later she had a brake down because of my behavior and ended up things for good

back then I thought that is a really good idea to keep things for yourself, so I did not know how to handle the brakeup so just shrugged it off and did not say anything

Now I realize that a real man is not a machine but a leader, and leaders are emphatic and genuinely feel sorry when things happen and express this in a non needy way

 

[soulforge]

Lots of good stuff in this thread. Especially about woman behavior and boundaries.
Concerning boundaries- if a woman brings up "the talk" about exclusiveness, there are certain things that need to be established. No cheating, lying, deceiving or attention wh0ring. Period. All grounds for IMMEDIATE dismissal and you don't even owe them a reason why they never heard from you again after you ghost them.
These are the most dysfunctional forms of female disrespect in a relationship.

It's an interesting point to be discussed about a woman being disrespectful. If a woman told me to STFU in any none joking manner, the hell if I'd just sit there in silence. Would I throw a fit? No.
I'd simply get up and tell her to contact me when she can act like a respectful adult and if she can't, don't contact me at all. Then I would enthusiastically show myself out the door. Or show her out the door.
She'd have some @ss to kiss at best case scenario. She wouldn't hear from me again worst case scenario.
When a woman's character changes in a relationship from good to.....well......this behavior, her feelings have also changed.
Her telling OP to STFU was showing that she had lost respect and devalued him already. She was already thinking of ending things or had her eye on another guy.

When he did NOTHING about her disrespect, that finished him off.

Boundaries are only as strong as the person's frame that enforces them.

Happy Hunting

You have to look at the sudden change of behaviour. If the girl started off as a nice sweet respectful girl, however some years down the line, she is telling you to STFU this clearly suggests that she is losing respect.

At the face of verbal abuse like this, walking away is the best option & if she doesn't aknowledge her chitty behaviour, then it's best to ghost her.

That being said, some chicks are ratchet agressive biches right off the bat lol

 

[soulforge]

Why did she continue to text me, trying to talk as if nothing had happened, just a few days later? Shouldn't the relationship have been over right after her disrespect if that was the cause of the breakup?

When she broke up with me, she told me she'd been crying herself to sleep everyday I didn't talk to her and she didn't want to be with someone who was ok with that. She also threw out a bunch of "I don't care" and "I miss being single and free" crap at the end. This is why I think that while my response may have contributed a little, my perceived nonchalance may have been what actually led to the breakup.

I'm just having a difficult time wrapping my head around how she lost feelings because of me blowing her off within the span of a week after a 3 year long relationship? Was there no love at all?

I know she wasn't talking to any other guy when we broke up. I don't think she was thinking of some other dude either but there's no way I can read her mind. She could be talking to some other guy now, I don't know and honestly that's none of my concern either at this point. I'd rather analyze the relationship so I can learn from it instead of concerning myself with her future.

Also thank you for your comment on boundaries. I should've established them right when she brought up the exclusivity talk.

My friend whenever a girl pushes for exclusivity, always use that opportunity to lay down some ground rules & boundaries.

The key is to enforce them ruthlessly, even if it means losing her.

It's better to lose her, than to stay in a situation where she takes you for granted or feels like she can behave in an unruly manner.

What I find worrying in 2023 is, many girls are oblivious about how they conduct themselves, and most of the time don't even realise that there behaviour is disrespectful.

They are so used to treating weak beta simps like chit, that they by default move with a disrespectful attitude.

 

[Glassguy]

My friend whenever a girl pushes for exclusivity, always use that opportunity to lay down some ground rules & boundaries.

The key is to enforce them ruthlessly, even if it means losing her.

It's better to lose her, than to stay in a situation where she takes you for granted or feels like she can behave in an unruly manner.

What I find worrying in 2023 is, many girls are oblivious about how they conduct themselves, and most of the time don't even realise that there behaviour is disrespectful.

They are so used to treating weak beta simps like chit, that they by default move with a disrespectful attitude.

That's because the majority of the male dating pool are beta simps and cucks. So that is primarily who is hitting on them.

So statistically they have been programmed to react this way. Along comes an alpha with strong frame, doesn't allow chitty behavior, and they have no idea how to react.

 

[soulforge]

That's because the majority of the male dating pool are beta simps and cucks. So that is primarily who is hitting on them.

So statistically they have been programmed to react this way. Along comes an alpha with strong frame, doesn't allow chitty behavior, and they have no idea how to react.

Exactly.

Literally a decade of treating weak men like crap, acting disrespectful, behaving like a spoilt entitled brat.

A strong framed alpha comes along, and her mind cannot comprehend why he isn't tolerating her BS, why he isn't bending over backwards for her.

The word sorry or accountability is an alien concept to these girls. It's almost like having to domesticate a wild animal.

I rather take that energy and put it into a naturaly feminine & down to earth woman, instead of retraining a lost cause.

 

[RickTheToad]

Hello all,

It's been a while really. I was an active poster on this forum in 2016 but I stopped. Cannot access the older account because it was registered under a different e-mail (for anonymity), which I have since lost access to. I am 21 years old now and have come back to ask for help, advice or just anything... Here's my story.

I was in a 3 year relationship until a few days ago. She was my first everything and I hers. In these 3 years we've had a few arguments here and there but have always managed to work it out, but not this time. We had an argument over a week ago which goes like this:

We were chilling together and just before I was about to leave (which I had already previously planned, unrelated to her actions which I will describe in a bit), I was talking and she told me to stfu. She began crying and told me I was annoying and just hearing me talk was hurting her head. My only response to this was not saying anything. She then started talking as if nothing had just happened. I left 5 minutes after that.

We did not talk or text at all after this, and after a few days she started texting me again as if nothing had happened. I also later found out that this was the very day she got her period (not sure if this has any relevance). I wasn't willing to respond until she either apologized or brought the topic up to address it. No apology at all from her except trying to start a conversation as if nothing had happened. A week after the argument (the day when she told me to stfu), she texted me telling me its over. All her texts from that point onward were "professional" - typed like how you would type in a formal setting. I swallowed my pride and called to talk to her to try addressing it. She told me stuff like "I didn't love her enough," "She misses her freedom being single," and a bunch of other horse****. She also complained that I was "too arrogant" because I refused to "let something so simple go" and that she is a girl and she should be allowed to do "girly things and have tantrums." (This is literally what she said. Allowed to do girly things and have tantrums.) Still, we both agreed to working it out.

I texted and called her the next day to ask how she was because she had been crying the whole time on the call. No reply. That evening I saw her put up stories so I contacted her again but no response again. Next, I don't know what got into me... nevermind I do. I looked online for help and the first thing that popped up was a reddit thread and in it was all a bunch of men agreeing that they never forgot and/or moved on from their first love and how they should've never let go. I thought what if this happens to me? I didn't want to take any chances so I called. And called some more. And some more. And some more. I texted her a lot as well. She didn't pick up or read my texts even once all this time (They were all going through so I know she willingly chose not to reply). Meanwhile she still put up stories occasionally all this time.

Finally, a few days ago, she sent me one last text telling me, again, that it's over. So it went from us talking and agreeing to work it out, to her suddenly having a change of heart I guess and not responding at all, to ending it before we even had a chance to talk again. This time thankfully I had better composure and just texted "good luck" and blocked her before she even had a chance to reply.

This girl was my first everything and I hers. My first kiss, my first girlfriend, the girl who I lost my virginity to... everything. She cooked for me, drove me places, bought me gifts and overall in my eyes was just perfect. She was clingy, had to talk almost everyday for hours, told me about everything in her life, texting me all the time and other stuff.

Did I mess up trying to be too much of an "alpha" or arrogant? If that is even the right word to describe it. Did I initially over react to what she did? What did I do wrong? What did I do right? I don't even know all the questions I have but I'm hoping someone can just read this and offer their perspective.

She's having a tantrum.. I know it's hard, walk away and go no contact. Stop feeding into her ego and her bad behavior. Zero attention and find a hobby or fvck other females. I am speaking from experience.. Going back just lessens your value, not raises it in her eyes.