Embrace's Journal: The Road to Self-Possession

[Embrace]

Oh and also, I'm going to review the HS bible and make sure everything is fresh before going out.. I'm sure i've forgotten thigns over time

 

[Embrace]

Day Thirty-Eight
9/27/06

I got my first RAFC date last night. Hopefully she doesnt flake.

The story is located here: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=110024

for those that are keeping up with this journal.

I'm going to go out and have fun like I would with anyone.. I was kind of worried because its my first "date".. but then i realized I hang out and have fun with my friends and chick friends all the time. I'll do the same thing. However the only difference is I'll game her.

So I'm happy. Not sure where I want to take her... all I really no is anywehre is better than a movie. That has to be the worst first date in my oppinion. I want to go have fun.

I know for a fact she's a gold digger and she admitted to it after my playful accusation. I'm not paying for her this time so that I know I can "trust" her. In the future I wont mind being a gentlement, but there's no way I'm getting used like an AFC.

Once she's earned it I will reward her with being a gentlemen.

:rock:

 

[Microphone Fiend]

good luck with your date, and dont sweat it, there probably wont be many rAFC dates left...Soon there will be DJ dates and ish

 

[Embrace]

Yeah man thanks.

I'm closer to a DJ than a AFC nowadays

 

[Embrace]

Day Forty-Five
10/03/06

I've realized that the reason that I have no motivation to get fit is because with these anti-depression pills im taking, I'm too happy. I'm too happy with who I am and I feel like it i sunessacary. However last night I smoked some pot and today I was in a terrible mood. Idont know if it was the lack of slep or the pot that put me in a bad mood today.. but I was just pissed at everything. Then I looked at myself in the mirror, was pissed that I wasnt bigger, ran out and did some sit ups and push ups. The only thing that motivates me is anger. The hard part is that the anger f*cks up my friendships and family life. Not sure what I'm going to do to get motivation. I'm stuck ...

 

[Rocko]

Day Forty-Five
10/03/06

I've realized that the reason that I have no motivation to get fit is because with these anti-depression pills im taking, I'm too happy. I'm too happy with who I am and I feel like it i sunessacary. However last night I smoked some pot and today I was in a terrible mood. Idont know if it was the lack of slep or the pot that put me in a bad mood today.. but I was just pissed at everything. Then I looked at myself in the mirror, was pissed that I wasnt bigger, ran out and did some sit ups and push ups. The only thing that motivates me is anger. The hard part is that the anger f*cks up my friendships and family life. Not sure what I'm going to do to get motivation. I'm stuck ...

We all have bad days man. Personally, I feel that using anti-depressants is not necessary. I used to feel bad about myself and about life, then I started saying affirmations along with questioning why I felt so bad all the time. I realized that I always thought negative thoughts and that I craved attention. I worked on these problems by looking at things in a constant positive light.

Anger is a great motivator, but it does not last forever. I used to go to the gym to release my aggression but then I realized that the the anger would be gone within 15 minutes and I would be tired out, nothing really drove me to work out. You seem a lot like me (at least from what you've said) and I learned that not everyone is perfect and that life isn't fair (surprising I know). Its all about pushing yourself, you have to motivate yourself, no one else can do it for you. I learned that by chillin out more (meaning not being so uptight and perfectionistic) life became a lot more fun and relaxing.

My last peice about the anti-depressants; there is NO SUCH THING as a bad day, it is only you dwelling on a bad event that occurred during the day that brings you down everytime you think about it. Thats my philosophy and I feel its true, if something bad happens just realize that the only way to let go of it is stop thinking about it, because the more you do, the more it brings you down.

 

[Legend Dude]

What the hell man!??! Dating, flirting, hanging out and playing around. Where's the touching/(kino), kissing, and fvcking?!? You're not making any progress unless you weren't very good at talking with women before.

 

[Embrace]

10/18/06
Day Sixty



Its been a while hasnt it.
I've been reading a lot with self improvement. The DJ Bible remake, DJ Bible and stuff like that.
I actually noticed on my own why I have not been makign any progress. I play around with girls and there's no touching. I havent been using kino correctly. I actually realized this before seeing the previous guy post about it. I didnt see His or Rocko's post untill now.

I read an article about writing a list about things i dont like about myself, and then saying how I will fix those things. Well I thoght about it and really a list isn't necessary. The only thing I really dont like about myself is that I'm small and not muscular at all. I'm 5'6", 115lbs.
Realizing this is the only thing holding me back from any success I decided I would start working out. I bought some creatine and protein powder and I'm going to take them both consistantly, try to eat better, and work out any chance I can. I dont really know of a routine or anything so I'm pretty much doing crunches, pushups, and different lifts with dumbells for my arms. I'm just trying to break my current bests every time. For example if I do 15 curls with x amount of weight, I want to get to 20, and so on

I believe that everythign else about me has already been self improved. I'm just a small guy for my class at school. There is a kid who is a little shorter than me but he has a six pack and good size muscles. Thats inspiring because I see how little he is but I see how much respect he gets because he doesnt need to take peoples ****.

I also read some stuff in the DJ bible remake by killapetehog about standing up for myself. Today at school I would hit people back, call them names back, all playfully nothing serious rather than being too nice. When someone would tell me to do something I wouldnt just listen for no reason, stuff like that. Dont get me wrong, I wasnt being an ass. I just wasnt taking ****. And its not like anyone got pissed either. I think I earned more respect.

So other than that stuff I have had no further success with girls. I know what's wrong so I'm going to work to fix it. I seem to do better with girls outside of school.. it seems more tough at school. I'll have to work on that.

-Jesse

 

[dynamicallyidle]

Why do you want these things so much?

Goals:

• Life of the party

- I want to become the guy that everyone loves to be around, the one everyone has something positive to say about, and I want to be the center of attention a majority of the time. When I'm around I want to be such a happy person with so much energy that it gives off positive vibes to everyone and litterally brings them up. People will feel happy when around me at all times and when they do something that I don't like they will know it because of my drastic change in my mood. I want to be in the habbit of always smiling so when im not happy people know it and will take me seriously when I'm pissed.

• Attraction

- I want to get to the point where I can control whether or not a girl is attracted to me based on how I treat them. I am going to master attraction by practicing so that I can litterly get a girl attracted to me even if I have no interest in them.
- I want to learn to differeinciate between someone who is interested and someone who has no interest. I will try different techniques and see different reactions from different girls and find out what works and what doesnt.
- I will not hesitate to advance in flirting and kino so that I can find out if the girl is actually attracted to me or if she's just a flirt.
- If a girl is not attracted to me I will not blame her, it is not her fault. It is MY fault because I did something wrong. I will review what I did wrong and try to improve.

• Failure

- I will embrace failure and realize that I did something wrong and it is completley my fault and that means that I need to review what I did and try something different next time. Eventually failure will be less and less because I will be able to narrow down what works and what doesnt.

• Self/Image

- I know what I am worth and no one will treat me less than what I'm worth.
- I'm scrawny so I will treat my body better and do what I can to make myself look good. I will essentially give a ****. I know that I am born how I am and there is only a little that I can change.

*I'll add on/add more goals when I think of them. Suggestions welcome.


Hobbies


- My main hobby is Improvisational Theatre, that's pretty much my life.
Improv doesn't take up enough time so I am going to need to come up with new hobbies so that I am busy between school, work, and Improv.
A man a busy with his life and deals with women in his spare time, not the other way around.

Dreams

- One day I hope to be a successful actor after becoming successful in Improv. I hope to have a beautiful girlfriend/wife before becoming successful so I know she ain't a gold digger :trouble:

About me

- I'm a 17 year old, 5'6", 115 lb, senior in high school. I started puberty extremley late due to some kind of syndrome that makes it so I didn't produce enough testosterone. I probaby started it a year ago.Thats all fixed now and puberty is doing it's thing. Voice is deep and all that stuff.
- I used to be a very self concious awkward little *****. I would be the one my friends teased the most. Not anymore though, I have so much confidence thanks to sosuave that its ridiculous. A lot of it has to do with my treatment for the syndrome and the anti-depressents im on. I'm just a happy person.
- I have been able to differenciate between girls who have interest in me and ones who absolutley dont. For example, I find when a girl says: "Youre an *******!" while laughign and playfully hitting is good where if a girl actually acts pissed while calling you an ******* its not so good.
- Recently I have had a few successes with flirting and getting some positive vibes/IOI's from girls. I'm narrowing down what works and what doesnt and I am always changing.


I will add more/ add on to everything as stuff comes to mind. Please give suggestions, feed back, questions, anything. I appreciate you guys reading this.

 

[Embrace]

Um.

I want to self improve...

?

 

[dynamicallyidle]

I mean, is your goal to make everyone love you? Then, to a large degree, you're putting the locus of control outside of you.

 

[Embrace]

I mean, is your goal to make everyone love you? Then, to a large degree, you're putting the locus of control outside of you.

Well I want to be a likable person obviously. If nothing else I want to be someone fun to be with.

I used to be depressed a lot.. so I wasnt a very fun person to be around. Nowadays it'd different though.

 

[Embrace]

Bump

 

[Rocko]

I read an article about writing a list about things i dont like about myself, and then saying how I will fix those things. Well I thoght about it and really a list isn't necessary. The only thing I really dont like about myself is that I'm small and not muscular at all. I'm 5'6", 115lbs.

Good to hear you have finally realized that there really isn't much wrong with you. Thats the first step to self-improvement IMO. Once you can pin down your serious flaws and come to grips with reality, then you are able to help yourself. I'm glad you are going to start stepping up your game and working out. About the creatine, just make sure you are not ODing (I used 2g before and after a workout). That stuff should only be used to jump start yourself, once you get in routine you can ditch the stuff if you want. Another thing that I noticed help me in my journey to self-improvement is keeping up with a positive mindset and affirmations. Get on AIM and I'll go more into detail.

Hopefully your realization has also helped you see that you don't need anti-depressants to make you feel happier with yourself.

 

[Embrace]

Hopefully your realization has also helped you see that you don't need anti-depressants to make you feel happier with yourself.

I think youre misunderstanding the whole anti-depressent thing. In my family there has been a history of depression due to lack of seretonin. both in my mom and my dad. Its not me feeling bad about myself, its the chemicals in my body arent right. The anti-depressents allow the seretonin to stay in me for longer periods of time rratehr than passing through so quick like they were.

Thats the jist of what the doctor told me anyway...there's more too it obviously.

The anti depressents really have helped me. I dont feel down for NO reason. As before I would be sad or angry for abosolutley no reason.

aside from that, thanks for your support, it's always appreciated

I'll leave an away message on aim and if I'm away hit me up so I catch it and I'll message you back if I can.

chasedatskuht 's my sn.. im not sure if you have it or not.

-Jesse

 

[Embrace]

Day Sixty-Two
10/20/06


Homecoming football game tonight.. a lot of cuties, a lot of my buddies. All crammed in the stands.

I'm going to skip over a lot of the unnecessary info right now though. There's a little I want input on specifically.

So anyway, a HB5 and HB8 and holding eachother really close front to front hands on eachother's waists for warmth. I personally think they were trying to get attention as much as get warm... but whatever.

One of my buddies would jokingly tell them to stop teasing us and stuff. Idid the same thing. I needed to focus more on kino because I haent been doing much latley. I lean down next to them (theyre on the ground of the stand and I'm standing on the seat w/ other people.. so theyre about 1.5 feet lower than me. ) I putmy head right next to there's and ask if they're cold or something.. acting kind of confused as to why they are holding eachother liek that.

My buddy said "Yeah. Let Embrace warm you up!"

I went with it since I was down towards them anyways. I held both of them in my arms and told them how my Jaguar (luxuary car) is pretty warm so we could hit that up. I was just being playful. Not really sincere. The HB5 responded playfully " The back seat right?"

Me: "Yeah exactly, or the front. Either. It's all pretty roomie"

I backed off... didnt want to be hanging on them forever that would be creepy.

Later one of my buddies were giving her **** because she touched him in the crotch area by "accident" and I played along.

Me: "Yeah dude and she was trying to get in the back seat of my jaguar with me too!"

Him: "God! *****!"

Again, all playful. Smiling and everything.

Later I was checking the HB8 out. She made eye contact with me and I forgot to smile because I was so f*ckin horny. I just wanted to f*ck her. I gave her a seductive loook sort of bymistake and nodded at her about 3 times.. almost like a nod of approval.. like I aprove of what I see.

This was all accidental. I dont know if it was good or not.. I would imagine it was kind of creepy.. but it just happened...

(INPUT GOOO!)

She smiled at me.. I dont know if it was a nervous smile or what. It sort of looked forced.. I didnt get any hint of creeped outness or anything like that... but it didnt look like what I expected.

I mean she kept eye contact with me for a long time and then gave me a weird smile like it wasnt very natural.

What do you guys think? Maybe she isnt good at smiling on command? Wtf does it mean if it was fake?

But anyway, I didnt want to act too interested in her. She goes to my school so I'll talk to her more there. I'll get her name and hopefully number/date next week. I plan to anyway.

She probably get's hit on alot so I need to be careful.

Anyway, fun night. Our team lost, but besides that I had fun..


G'night, I'm going to sleep now. :yes:


Ps- I glanced over this and I see a lot of typo's. Sorry

 

[Rocko]

She had to have been staring at you for a reason, so unless you had some toilet paper on your shoe or a booger hangin outta your nose, chances are she was into you. Next time that EVER happens, go up to her and start talking, remember kino escalating to isolation, and eventually a number or kiss close.

Something wrong IMO is never getting her name. What do you have to loose bro? Its not like it will kill you, you know, so next time just go for it. Good thing is you will see her at school so the next time you see her go up to her and give her a hug and say "hey, I never got your name at the game last weekend" and then just go from there.

Good luck

 

[Embrace]

She had to have been staring at you for a reason, so unless you had some toilet paper on your shoe or a booger hangin outta your nose, chances are she was into you. Next time that EVER happens, go up to her and start talking, remember kino escalating to isolation, and eventually a number or kiss close.

Something wrong IMO is never getting her name. What do you have to loose bro? Its not like it will kill you, you know, so next time just go for it. Good thing is you will see her at school so the next time you see her go up to her and give her a hug and say "hey, I never got your name at the game last weekend" and then just go from there.

Good luck

Dont you think it would be weird to hug her? Being as we dont know eachother?


I can see some kino there, a little less than a hug though

 

[Rocko]

well, you know who she is, you had your arm around her right? so what makes this any different. Personally, I give hugs to almost everyone I know so it doesn't seem weird for me, but to each their own.

I think it would be awkward if you had your arm around her earlier in the week then just shook her hand the next time you saw her.

Another thing to add on, if and when you do do it, pretend like you've done it 100 times before. Do that for everything, number closes, kino, that way it won't seem too special and awkward.