Drook's Diary

[Drook]

A change in format.

I decided that I'm going to make one post for a few days worth of journals and only update when I'm "in the zone". I've also been taking notes from other journals so if I accidentally cop your style please take it as a compliment.


April 30th, 12:00 AM

I just wrote this huge thing on pastebin after I realized how much energy, time and emotion I've spent on women and in front of this monitor. I know it's whiny, beta and redundant to what I've been posting. But I think I should post my thoughts even if they're coming from a bad place.

Next time I post it'll be something more upbeat and me-ish. But I showed my friend this and he told me to post it here.


I don't even know what I want any more. I don't know why I'm writing this.

I'm Chris REDACTED. I am fifteen. I live in West Virginia. I am homeschooled.

My ex of 8 months is making out with a seventeen year old in the halls of her school.

My ex is named REDACTED. She is also fifteen. She lives next door to me. She goes to REDACTED High.

It took me weeks to get her to kiss me. Eight months for her to suck my d!ck. She did not want to give me a BJ. I practically begged her to.

My ex gave sh!tty BJs.

I like to think that her current boyfriend will taste the musk of my d!ck in my ex's mouth even though he won't. If I see her boyfriend I will ask him what my d!ck tastes like.

When I broke up with my ex she did not react. She asked if she could go back inside and I hugged her and said I was sorry. I got a text from her brother later that she had been crying for hours. I do not regret breaking up with my ex. I regret how I acted in my relationship with her.

Her brother and me are on good terms. He taught me how to smoke. I taught him how to shoot a gun. His dad went to jail for years for growing and possessing marijuana. His dad still smokes. Her brother smokes habitually. I smoked for the first time last Sunday with her brother. I enjoyed it until I came down hard. I was depressed and I wanted to sleep and I am not sure if it was worth the high.

I was really angry a few minutes ago that I had wasted eight months with my ex when I could have been doing something productive. But I am writing now and that's something productive. I do not think I would be writing now unless my her brother told me that she was making out with a guy in the halls. A ball cannot roll on it's own, it needs a push. My ex making out with a guy she knew when we were together for eight months and not having sex is that push.

 

[Drook]

Updates updates updates

May 2nd 11:30 pm

The last few days have been pretty boring hence the lack of updates. But tomorrow is going to be day 1 of the fest. I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow morning so I'll be fresh. I'm picking Aus up on the way there. We'll probably be there at 4ish and I don't think we're going to leave until pretty late.

Bad thing is that Aus' chick is going and Bro can't make it so somebody will end up third wheeling unless Aus' chick brings a friend or we meet up with somebody. Plus I might lose my wingman. But at least Bro is coming Saturday. My only fear with him is that he's gonna be sarging the whole time and fvck up my game.

My dad was telling me about this Luncheon thing where a bunch of guys get together, eat, get drunk and hit the streets. I might try to get in if things get boring with Aus and his chick. Or at least try to get something off the drunks coming out.

My friend said to try to get drugs off of anybody I see that looks like a druggie but unless I get some mollies I think I'll just mess up my game even worse.

 

[Drook]

May 4th, 11pm

Well I completely blew the festival.

It turns out Aus is completely pvssywhipped and pretty much useless when his girl is around. Whenever he tried to do something that she didn't want him to she started pouting and his balls would miraculously ascend into is chest as he followed her around (sorry Aus but you're whipped man). This would have been fine with me, but Bro couldn't make it. So I was stuck with them until some B-listers arrived and I ditched them to hang out with the B-listers.

I also had a funny encounter with said B-lister who happens to be female. We were going back and forth over text earlier this week arguing about attraction and love (I know, I know). She was arguing that you can love a person that you're not physically/sexually attracted to. I responded that I could never love an obese person, because they disgust me physically, and she stopped responding. Well I ran into her at the fest and our conversation basically went like this:

Me: Were you mad at me for the fat thing?
Her: Yeah but I guess that's just how you are so I accept that.
Me: So you accept me for the fat-hating little man that I am?
Her: Yeah.

I've known this chick for years and she stopped talking to me and was actually p!ssed because I said I couldn't love a fat person. People are so petty it amazes me. I've literally told people that Aus and her were some of the only legit people that I knew and then I actually talk to them and they do something that puts them on the same tier with everybody else.

Bro got caught trading weed for a knife at school so he's suspended for 10 days and off the track team for the year. So he's been next door doing nothing, begging me to come over. I can't even go over because I'd have to explain to my parents that my friend who I've been running off with got caught for drug possession. Which would completely screw my their trust in me.

There were some HBs at the fest/parade-thing but I was honestly too chickensh!t to cold approach a group of girls on my own. So right now my main priority is to get Aus away from his chick to wing me or to try winging with Bro. OR I could man up and start flying solo. But I don't know if I have the cojones to even attempt cold approach without a friend on the sidelines.

I think that the fest could have gone well even with the sh!t friends I had with me. If I just manned up and started cold approaching. So it's really nobody's fault but mine. I'm going to start talking to strangers and girls to get my confidence approaching strangers up and maybe try some warm approaches at youth group tomorrow. Do any of you guys have advice on cold approaches? Like with confidence, interest, that sort of thing.

 

[Drook]

May 7th 12:23am

Youth Group was a bust. Not from me being a wuss but a lack of chicks. Czech was there but I'm not trying with her any more. There was another HB there too but she has a boyfriend who's a senior so I'm not going there.

I went on a walk tonight with my dog. It was warm, foggy and the light of the airport reflecting off the clouds made the night picturesque. I wish I had a good camera so I could have captured it.

I've been thinking about what I want from a chick, and being able to be real with a chick is probably the most important thing right now. I want a chick I can watch movies with, hike with, go on walks at night with. I think one of the problems with my ex is that we'd cuddle and sh!t but when it actually got down to talking we'd both sit there like mutes, and whenever I was real with her we'd argue.

Sex is still important to me but I want an actual relationship too. I'm just worried with game and being real not mixing. I know I need confidence and stuff but I don't want to bvll**** my way into a relationship.

 

[Drook]

Drugs Thugs And Hugs

May 9th 11:30 pm

Yo so I think I'm on another self improvement kick. I spent some time today listening to The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I don't think I buy half of the spiritual sh!t he says but the meditation and ego part of it is interesting and probably useful.

I beat my bench PR yesterday by 30 lbs! Went from 3x6 at 95 to 2x2 at 125. My non-oly bar only has room for two plates on the end when I bench it and the only plate larger than a 10 I have is a 25. Which is why I had to make a huge jump. I'm gonna start repping 125 with a spotter this Saturday when I get to push. My mom keeps making comments on how "big" I've been getting (ilu mommy) and a guy I used to play basketball said that I must have been hitting the gym. Having the time that you put into lifting be noticed feels amazing. I don't think people should lift for recognition but I think it helps.

Yesterday me and Bro met up in this bamboo patch behind our houses and made a bong out of bamboo and a socket I got out of my garage. We're thinking about making bamboo bongs en mass and selling them. Bro found some stuff in his house today and he says it works great. I'll probably try it this Saturday. He also tried a bit of the shrooms his mom keeps in a jar. He spat most of it out but he said his head felt weird when I left. I'm going to bring a zip-loc bag the next time I see him so I can weigh them out and dose it right.

My mom wants me to study for an entrance exam to this college. But the credits would only transfer in state and I'm not even sure if I want to stay in country. I don't see myself living here for the rest of my life, or working a desk job, or being a doctor. I have no idea what I want.

I might join a local theater since they're in need of male actors and I enjoyed the acting that I did in a church play earlier this year. I think I could write if I had something to write about. What I put on here is honestly any stupid sh!t that comes to mind late at night without any real thought to it.

Maybe I should just start carrying a notepad around and writing whatever in it. Or maybe I'm just boring. How can somebody be boring, though? Maybe I'm super interesting but sleep deprived. Either way I'm going to bed.

 

[Drook]

Djs Be Trippin

May 11th 12:20

I did shrooms for the first time today. I was at Bro's house and we took a few hits off of the bong we made, then I grabbed the jar of shrooms and me, him and Ex all took a piece. He started seeing patterns that I pretended to see about a half hour in. I just pointed at stuff around the room and would say something like "Yo, you see those lines?" and he'd be like "WHOOOOA DUDE THEY'RE MOVING!". It only went on for ten or so minutes before he started feeling like sh!t.

It didn't kick in for me until I took some more hits off the bong. I was sitting there with Ex passing it back and forth when the bricks on the back porch we were sitting on started waving. I stood up and everything refocused like looking through a camera. I ran inside and upstairs to tell Bro that I was tripping like fvck and when I found Bro everything got an INSANE depth to it. It felt like seeing a 2d movie in 3d for the first time. When I started to walk around I felt like I was teleporting or walking in a strobe light. My eyes were screwed too. Bro and Ex said that my pupils were like dots and they stopped dilating and I kept blinking really fast.

At this point I was basically flipping out. I couldn't even think straight. I'd say something and forget what I was talking about as soon as I said it. We all went back downstairs and I was talking nonstop about what I felt like. Bro said that half of it didn't make sense and he stopped listening half way through. I remember seeing flashbacks of random pictures and thinking really fast and disjointed. I had no fear or anger or anything, but I wasn't really happy either. What was weird is that Bro's trip only lasted a few minutes and Ex didn't trip at all. But I guess Ex didn't use the bong much.

I played The Purple Bottle by Animal Collective after I got the confidence to use my phone. I've heard that music is amazing when you're tripping but I could just visualize colors off of it. I didn't literally see the colors but I could visualize streaks in my mind moving to the music.

After what felt like hours and hours I came off the shrooms and was just kind of happy high from the weed. Me and Bro just talked for a while and laughed our @sses off at anything. I think Ex was kind of depressed from the weed since I was there. But I didn't plan on going back into that mess, even when I was high.

After I came down the rest of the way I walked a bit with Bro before going back home. My dad, me and my siblings went Mother's Day shopping at a few stores. Some HB at Target gave me THAT LOOK when she passed me on her way into the bathroom. I really regret not straight up stopping her and trying to get her number. Target had a lot of HBs for some reason which was weird.

I'm not sure if I want to get majorly fvcked on weed/shrooms again but it was definitely an experience. Bro said he could get me a half a bag of Mollies for free over the summer so I'm kind of excited for that. I'm going to try to make cold approaches in more regular places too. Like grocery stores or gas stations and what have you.

 

[Drook]

Cardeeo

May 13th 11:10 pm

Great news! If I go to the community college I was talking about the credits actually DO transfer out of state but it's the classes like Math 101 and sh!t that might not. Worst case scenario I'll have to retake some classes. But at least I have a chance at getting into a decent college.1

I also started the Couch to 5k program today since it's a rest day. It was actually kind of intense but I was hardcore running when it said to jog and when I walked I held dumbells out to the side which buuuurned. I'm going to run three days a week now on the program on top of lifting so I hope I'll see a bit more muscle definition.

I really need to join a club or start an activity of some sort. I checked the theater's website and it says they aren't having auditions but I'm going to call to see if I can get involved somehow. I'm also going to call another pool to see if they're accepting lifeguards.

Overall today's been pretty boring but I've done some thinking and planning which never really hurts. I definitely need to get into the world and situations where I see girls though.

 

[Drook]

Run run run

May 15th 11:40 pm

I did my second day of running today. Bro ran with me for a mile before he went back home and I ran another mile. Running reminded me that I sweat profusely whenever I do something physical. By profusely I mean literally soaked in sweat. So by the time I was done running I was pretty gross. Not really anything I can do about it except work out more and hope it goes away.

I've also grown a bit. I've always said I was 5'10" but I think I was actually 5'9". Well I'm like a billionth of an inch shorter than my dad now so I might actually be around 5'10". Most of my friends are juniors so I always feel kind of short around them so growing at all is a pretty big confidence booster.

I picked up my guitar again last night too. Right now I'm just d!cking around with it learning some simple songs and strumming chords but I'm enjoying it which is what matters, I think.

I've been reading The Game tonight and I'm not sure if I like it. Some of the stuff like the routines, canned lines and hypnosis seem tacky and ridiculous. I know a big part of pickup is confidence and technique but I want to stay true to myself. Yeah I want to get a girlfriend, get laid and all that but I want it to be real instead of something I bought with sh!tty magic tricks and hypnosis. Even with the Don Juan stuff on here I sometimes feel like it's too much about getting laid, or getting social status. I can't live my life through my friends or through girls, that's not me. Hell it's not even real. Friends don't last forever and we all know women don't. The only thing real is yourself so I'm going to focus on improving myself first and getting women second. I'd rather be on my deathbed knowing that I was my best than being able to say "I laid hundreds of women" or "I was a confident, popular guy".

Maybe that's just me. I'm still going to study Don Juan and PUA work but I want to tailor it to something that's real. Like being confident or approaching girls instead of slaying pvssy and stroking my ego.

 

[Nino-Tk]

I haven't been following this, but I'm glad to see new journals like these pop up in the forum. I just read your last post, and I feel where you are coming from. The guys here know I usually take breaks from this site when the B.S gets too much in my head. I wish someone had told me not to read so much theory though, because it leads to mental masturbation, which causes inaction.

You sound like an honest guy, start there. Start expressing yourself honestly to girl,s,seeing that canned routines aren't your cup of tea which is a great thing. Tell you what, even after all the reading, nothing will make you grow as much as your own experiences, it serves as a reference point. Go out and literally be your own guru, make mistakes, come back, ask, then go out some more. Don't try to get all the answers before writing the test.

 

[Drook]

Thanks for the advice, Nino. I definitely need more experience. And I'll try to cut back on the pickup material once I finish the game. I think I know enough theory to get by I just need to find somewhere to sarge.

I also may have set up a date with a friend that is a girl who's a 6.5 I'll call her Anne. She asked if we (the youth group) were doing anything this Sunday since I've been trying to run events. I told her I'm probably going to go home and watch movies and that she can come if she brings kettle corn and a hot chick. She's really confident about her looks so, like I knew she would, she started trying to justify her looks to me saying she's a hot chick. Note to self: negs are GREAT at leveling the playing field with ****y girls. After that conversation she mentioned how she got me some Rook stickers (my usual username is Rook). I said thanks and the convo ended there. I'm not if she'll actually come or not but I'm not super worried either way.

I pretty much have Hey Jude down on the guitar which is cool. I could see it being a good camp fire song once I learn how to play it well.

 

[Drook]

Angsty Teens

May 22nd 9:37pm


Life's been uneventful for the past few days hence the lack of updates.

Redhead never even showed Sunday which is kind of a relief since I'm not sure if I want to get with her. I haven't got any texts from her and I haven't sent anything either so all's quiet on the western front.

I did a practice test for a community college entrance exam and I got 90s and 80 and 100s on English and a 50 and 75 on math. But the questions are weighted in the actual test so my scores could be entirely different for the real thing.

I've also been accepted into a technical school for a two year welding class. Which is a big deal because I can test for a certification at the end of it, which gets me a trade, and it's a pretty exclusive course for high school kids.

My parents embarrassed the sh!t out of me in front of Bro. I told them I was meeting him at the gate to his place to lend him some movies and they started laughing "HAW HAW DROOK'S GAY" because they thought I said "Me and Bro are gay". So I'm like hur dur yeah sure and I leave. Well I meet him at the gate and my parents start yelling "HAW HAW TWO LITTLE GAY BOYS" from the balcony and Bro promptly fvcks off. I told them I was p!ssed because I actually wanted to talk to him and they get all p!ssy asking "WHY CAN'T TWO BOYS TALK IF WE'RE THERE???". Then I go to the office to get on my computer and blow off steam and my mom comes in and SERIOUSLY ASKS I HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH MY FRIEND. I never get angry at my parents but this is the most mad I've been at them in a while. My mom thinks I'm either in a gay relationship or trading drugs with Bro. I'm considering listing all the things I've done with my exes to get them off my back. Even though saying pretty much anything to your parents angry is a good way to fvck yourself over.

The gay card is probably what I hate most about where I live. If you do ANYTHING outside or above the norm you're labelled as gay. Dress nice? Gay. Have obscure tastes? Gay. Stop talking about women? Gay gay gay. I really want to go somewhere like NY or LA once I find a way to make money just so I'm in a better environment socially. Hell, I'm scared to tell my parents that I'm not catholic because I know they'd start giving me speeches and would start pressing me about my beliefs. My dad gives me sh!t because I don't care about gay marriage or couples when, as a catholic, I should be against it.

I guess that's enough edginess for one night. Drook out.

 

[Drook]

Desperation On The Horizon

March 26th, 12:39 am
As I sit here in a brand new hoodie and boxers jamming to Daft Punk I'm starting to feel as if somebody lit a fire under my ass. I just sent a text to Ex to ask about Bro and it made me realize what I don't have, a chick. Since I started studying pickup sh!t it's been a sort of hobby with no real end goal other then to maybe get a girlfriend. Well desperation is a slow, creeping bastard and when it bites it bites.

This might be the turning point that really starts this sh!t and gets me cold approaching. Or maybe I'm just having a pity party. I'm not sure, but I know something's changed.

I finished one of my goals this week, though. I weighed 146 last I checked (wednesday?) and I'm taking entry exams for college so that'll be my second goal. Only five more to go! Speaking of goals I'm setting an eighth goal: get a girlfriend by the end of the summer. Which kind of goes hand in hand with the V.card goal and it makes cold approaching more important if I want to meet my goals.

I'm also getting an oly weight set with 300 lbs of weights so I can finally make progress on my deads and bench! I'm pretty fvcking psyched. Lifting is one of the things I REALLY enjoy and like making progress on so getting new gear is always a big deal.

 

[Drook]

Blue Balls Like An Avatar

May 29th 11: pm

Bluh. Me and my family went to Hershey Park yesterday which was time nearly completely wasted for me. There were HBs EVERYWHERE. Even a few 9s here and there. But me being the wuss that I am was too scared to approach with just my little brother. I did, however, practice eye contact. Me and little bro were stuck in line for Fahrenheit for an hour and a half. I stared everybody that I made eye contact with down until they looked away. Yeah I was probably creeper-ish as fvck but it felt EMPOWERING. I stared these two ugly girls who I think were sisters down and they kept staring at me for the rest of the wait which was creepy. There was this random guy on the stairs to the ride scanning the crowd while he wait and we locked eyes for about three seconds before he turned away and didn't look at the crowd again. It's scary how easily intimidated people are by a 15 year old in a hoodie. I looked this one HB in the eye and did my attempt at a half-smile and she was checking me out all wait. Of course I didn't approach but it was still pretty cool.

Today I went to a tech school for an orientation-thing. I got my space in the welding class there so in two years (provided I do well) I'll be certified in pretty much every type of welding under the sun. I talked to some random guy in the main hall which was kind of a weird for me. I think I might be more fvcked socially than I thought at first. Maybe I should just start out with conversing with strangers before I try cold approaches.

Morale of the story is there are HBs everywhere and I need to START COLD APPROACHING. I'm going to the tech school again tomorrow for an open house so I promise to myself and you guys that I'll approach at least ONE HB. Life begins now, guys. I'm done with b!tching about how scared I am. I'll post a field report when I get back.

Godspeed.

 

[Drook]

Radical

May 31st 10:48 am

I got psyched over nothing yesterday. There were literally no HBs at the open house or at my sibling's soccer practice. I'm still gonna approach the next HB I see so I haven't pvssied out yet.

Anne is dying to hang out with me. She said she's lonely/horny so sh!t's going down. I haven't been texting her back much and it's working pretty well. She's usually ****y and gamey but she's acting like a normal, kinda desperate chick now. I'm not sure if she just needs a lay or if I'm working the "You are the prize" mentality right but either way it's working.

This Sunday me, Bro, Aus and his girl and some other friends are going to float the creek behind my house. There aren't any HBs coming other than my friend's girl who he claims is a 10 (lol).

I'm gonna practice guitar some but I'll keep you guys posted with a field report when I finally run into a HB.

 

[Drook]

Field Report

Aaaaagh!!!!!!!1!!! I got the worst blue balls of my life. I was at Starbucks with my brother and dad grabbing coffee and this HB8.5 came in, ordered, locked eyes with me and stood next to me to wait for her coffee. I SHOULD HAVE TALKED TO HER SHE WAS BY HERSELF IT WAS THE PERFECT SET SHIIIIIIT! Maybe I should drop my goal of cold approaching and do a drill or boot camp. Because I don't know if I'm capable yet.

 

[Drook]

Excite

June 4th 11:15pm

A lot's been happening lately. I'm starting to regret not updating for the past few days because I don't even remember half the stuff I've done.

Sunday me, Aus, Aus' girlfriend (I'll call her Sarah) and a bunch of my other friends went floating on the creek that goes behind my house. When we first got there it was pouring down rain and there was pretty bad thunder but it let up pretty quickly. Aus hung out with Sarah most of the time but everybody had fun. I think Sarah might be crushing on me. You know how people say mundane, stupid sh!t all the time and you pay half attention to them and nod and agree while running some other trains thought through your head? Well even when I say stupid sh!t she's like a dog that just heard the word treat, like completely at attention. Her dad said she had a crush on me back when I first got with my ex last year so I think she might still have it. Plus she's been *****y to Aus lately so maybe that's why.

Monday I sort of made a drug deal with Anne. She asked for a "bag of weed" "like a ton. legit". So I showed her a picture of a gram and she said she'd take two. She says she's smoked before but having her ask for a "bag" makes me REALLY NERVOUS SELLING DRUGS TO HER. LIKE SUPER NERVOUS. Bro is also getting me a molly so next time I have time away from home I'll pop it.

Today I took a placement test for a community college and I got 93 in English, 100 in Reading, 102 in Arithmetic and 48 (I know) in Algebra. Which puts me in English 101, 102 and Pre Algebra. I can take a third class but I'm not sure what I want to do yet. I'm thinking of psychology or philosophy but who knows. The weight set I've been talking about for a week finally arrived along with a dip/pullup/sidewayspullupthing/leg raise/pushup stand and an adjustable bench with a curl thing, calf raise thing and another calf raise thing on it. So now I can do incline, dips, pullups AND up my deadlifts and bench. I'm so psyched for push day tomorrow.

 

[Drook]

Ugly Cousins

June 9th 1:17 am

Anne is pretty much useless. She pretty much said she'd give me a ******* and all this other sh!t but she never actually shows up to anything so "judge by her actions" is starting to apply here.

My friend's cousin was snapchatting me earlier with body pics and stuff. Obviously flirting. She said to add her on Facebook so I looked her up and her face is eugh. I guess I have no problem picking up ugly chicks.

Aus' girlfriend told me she's pretty much embarrassed by the stuff he posts about how much he LOVES her on Twitter and how she hates his twitter. I honestly feel kinda bad for him but I don't know how to say "dude stop being such a beta" without being a ****.

I was also checked out by this HB7 asian chick at this picnic thing I didn't want to go to. She was with what looked like her dad and brother. I didn't end up approaching her because I'm a giant pvssy and opening a 3set seems impossible.

I just got a bunch of snapchats from my friend with the cousin. They're all of him, my ex and Bro getting high and hanging out next door. They didn't even invite me. Bro even said he'd be gone later today. I'm a B-lister in everybody's book and it's pissing me off. Half my friends just want to use me and the other half just don't give a ****. I really need new friends.

In other news I'm going with my dad to look at a 68 Mustang convertible today that we might restore. I'm psyched about that because I need to learn about cars and it would be an awesome project.

 

[LearningSlowly]

I just got a bunch of snapchats from my friend with the cousin. They're all of him, my ex and Bro getting high and hanging out next door. They didn't even invite me. Bro even said he'd be gone later today. I'm a B-lister in everybody's book and it's pissing me off. Half my friends just want to use me and the other half just don't give a ****. I really need new friends.

This is your ego. Grow up and stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Be your own happiness. (edit: who needs to get high anyway?)

 

[Drook]

I don't care about getting high. Hell, I haven't spent any money on drugs. I was just angry that my friends excluded me.

I think I was just tired and p!ssy last night. Usually I'm okay with chilling and practicing guitar at night but I let my ego get the best of me, like you said.

 

[LearningSlowly]

I got kinda mad at my friend for making plans with me then not answering my phone calls, so I guess I shouldn't have criticized you. It's annoying, but not a big deal.