Discussion: You catch your GF/Wife texting another man at midnight

[mrgoodstuff]

Some people do send text messages late. One of my male friends used to be notorious for sending me text messages between 10:30 PM - 12 AM when I was already asleep most of the time. The texts didn't wake me up but I did not respond until the next day. I receive texts nearly around the clock.

They do, but we don't have to let them waste our time. We can respond a day or two later if it is not super important.

 

[BeExcellent]

To explain (although off topic) for @catsmeow and others is this: The other thing that I think has bearing on this for me personally is that I was very close with my father, who honestly had wanted sons but ended up with daughters. This meant that I, as the oldest, was expected to do “boy” stuff since my father had no sons to do man stuff with. Consequently I was raised hunting, shooting, working on cars, fixing & building things and was socialized within my family of origin predominantly around accomplished men.

My earliest memory from childhood is bird hunting at age 3 with my dad. Added to that there were no girls to play with in my neighborhood growing up. So I rode bikes, built forts in the woods, played ball, caught turtles and tadpoles and went fishing and again was socialized exclusively with males. I was in essence a tomboy.

On top of all that my mother was aloof, not well socialized herself and very intellectually driven. My parents met in law school. So my mom did not value beauty nor encourage “girl” type behavior even though she was beautiful and had a great figure. She had been abused by her father, so she saw behaving in a way so as to appeal to men sexually to be an enormous liability, and of course my sisters and I were all very pretty. That was discouraged by my mother and downplayed. And my father was fine with us girls not behaving in a sexually appealing way either because it made his life simpler.

Needless to say coming to understand the benefits of being an attractive female were lost on me for many years as a teen & young woman. I didn’t grow up absorbing how to be female. I had to get up that learning curve much later.

So yeah. That’s why much of what I say aligns with men. That was what I learned first and very early on. And that is why I naturally am relaxed around men. Of course I now understand the feminine aspect too, and am grateful and appreciative of that, but really to my close male buddies I’m just a friend who just happens to be, by the way, a hot chick.

Shrugs.

I also now understand male/female dynamics and am respectful of that but expecting me to forget my male friends is like expecting a native Frenchman to forget French after moving to America. It’s a first language kind of thing with me in that sense, which admittedly is rather unusual.

But it makes me a very good partner and companion for a man because I deeply innately understand men.

 

[Mazer]

Plan an exit strategy. I’m not proud of it but when I was younger I was texting “girlfriends” at night while they were laying in bed with their boyfriends and I was banging all of them.

 

[SW15]

Plan an exit strategy. I’m not proud of it but when I was younger I was texting “girlfriends” at night while they were laying in bed with their boyfriends and I was banging all of them.

You demonstrated higher value than their beta boyfriends. Nicely done!

 

[bcude]

Not only is this wrong, it is also foolish. Women in healthy relationships do not have male friends. Male friends are by definition a backup validation option. That is inappropriate and disrespectful. If she needs backup dvck she doesn’t need me. None of my last four girlfriends have had male friends. All four of them (1 is my current) have pushed me to marry them.

What if she has a gay male friend ?

 

[mrskinnypantz]

She says he's just a friend and that's it. Do you do anything about it or just let it be?

It's midnight , I would be more concerned about the conversation. Than the act itself, maybe he texted her and she told him to back off, if that's not the case and she won't share the text's with you then that says it all.
Hopefully it's not your wife , you can leave the GF with less consequences.

 

[EyeBRollin]

What if she has a gay male friend ?

I still don’t like it. Some of these gay dudes swing both ways and be banging a lotta chicks.

 

[Macadellic]

What if she has a gay male friend ?

What if she says he’s “gay” and they both have
an agreement for him to act “gay” around you?

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I still don’t like it. Some of these gay dudes swing both ways and be banging a lotta chicks.

I've heard females talking about it... The craziness excites them.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

I haven't read the replies but will say that this would cross a boundary for me if we were in an exclusive relationship. I did read your second post about her having lunches with the guy. That's a boundary cross for me too. If I am in an exclusive conversation with a woman, I expert her not to be hanging out with guys 1:1, and any text communication should be limited, and definitely not late at night. If she wants to have buddies to text or go have lunches with, she can do all that with women. I would communicate the boundary to her, I would explain to her that I adhere to the same boundaries and would not be texting women all the time and going out to lunches 1:1 with them etc, and I expect the same from her. Any attempt to argue with me about it or say it's not fair would be met with me saying, "I'm sorry you don't agree with me on this but it is my boundary and it is not up for debate. If you don't feel you can adhere to the boundary then we aren't right for each other." I wouldn't engage in further attempts to argue or debate it and would shut the conversation down by walking away and taking space. If she violated the boundary again, I would implement silence and distance until she complied, apologized, and I saw a change, or until I just never saw her again.

My ex wife loved attention and was a little naïve when it comes to men (in some cases - and in other she knew what she was doing). Every. Single. Male. Friend. she had wanted to bang her. They were orbiting and hoping for the chance. She soaked up the attention like a sponge and then acted surprised when the guy who worked in her same office building (for a different company) and went to lunch with 1:1 for months at least once a week ended up professing his love for her and wanted to leave his wife and 16yo daughter to be with her. I'm sure deep down she knew he wanted her but of course she claimed that wasn't the case to me. There were many more examples of this. After she dumped me, she ended up getting together with one of her orbiters for three years. This was all when I was blue-pill and didn't know any better - I let women tell me that telling them they couldn't see male friends 1:1 was controlling and completely uncalled for and unreasonable. 99% of women still tell me this but the difference is, I'm much wiser and understand that their little temper tantrums don't matter and won't convince me that I'm "wrong." You literally cannot be "wrong" with any boundary you have because it is your boundary. You may limit the number of women who will stay with you if your boundaries are way outside of the typical range, but that limiting doesn't mean your boundary is wrong. Men must learn to understand this.

Since I started employing these kinds of boundaries, I find the women I date to become more and more attached to me, even if they try to argue with me in the moment. Women LOVE to feel a man's masculine strength and leadership is one characteristic of this, and when you give them a boundary that they "don't like" and then demonstrate to them that you won't be pushed off balance, you won't change your mind on it, and you WILL walk away if they don't adhere, after they are done with their temper tantrum it draws them closer to you because you just demonstrated your masculine strength.

When I communicate with women in my friend group via text, etc, I usually create a group text with them and their BF. The women do the same. And it's 99% planning logistics, not talking about relationship troubles, bantering, talking about the weather, etc.

 

[Murk]

What if she says he’s “gay” and they both have
an agreement for him to act “gay” around you?

You have to just admire the hustle if they pull that off

 

[Macadellic]

You have to just admire the hustle if they pull that off

It’s been done

 

[Murk]

It’s been done

Then the guy needs an oscar, fvck it, a knighthood.

 

[Utemainner]

She says he's just a friend and that's it. Do you do anything about it or just let it be?

For me personally, this behavior of my girlfriend would be regarded as at least strange. I studied the question for a long time, how to understand if your soulmate is cheating on you, the article helped with this https://toplovehacks.com/physical-signs-of-infidelity/ such a situation is still worth talking about this issue. Only then will you be able to figure out what and how.

 

[SW15]

What if she has a gay male friend ?

I still don’t like it. Some of these gay dudes swing both ways and be banging a lotta chicks.

It is normal for women to have gay male friends. I don’t get alarmed over a woman having gay male friends. I also am generally unconcerned with a woman sending text messages or having phone calls with gay men. However, like @EyeBRollin, I don’t like it. I would prefer a woman I’m seeing to solely have female friends.

 

[Epimanes]

The first thing is..... how is your relationship with her. Is it good? Is she open and honest? Is she flirty with you? Or is there contempt?

If there is contempt and arguing all the time... she's fkn lieing to you and lining up her next move.

If the relationship is good otherwise... I'd be cautious and ask her what's so important that her friend has to text that late. If she gets defensive... or won't share... I'd start talking to yoir female "friends" and see if what's good for the goose is good for the gander

Epi

Edit: this is the **** that ended my 25yr marriage with my now ex.... buddy was on opposite side of Canada....... "we are just friends" ... well.... he flew in to bang my now ex... the world is small so be careful.

 

[Bokanovsky]

I haven't read the replies but will say that this would cross a boundary for me if we were in an exclusive relationship. I did read your second post about her having lunches with the guy. That's a boundary cross for me too. If I am in an exclusive conversation with a woman, I expert her not to be hanging out with guys 1:1, and any text communication should be limited, and definitely not late at night. If she wants to have buddies to text or go have lunches with, she can do all that with women. I would communicate the boundary to her, I would explain to her that I adhere to the same boundaries and would not be texting women all the time and going out to lunches 1:1 with them etc, and I expect the same from her. Any attempt to argue with me about it or say it's not fair would be met with me saying, "I'm sorry you don't agree with me on this but it is my boundary and it is not up for debate. If you don't feel you can adhere to the boundary then we aren't right for each other." I wouldn't engage in further attempts to argue or debate it and would shut the conversation down by walking away and taking space. If she violated the boundary again, I would implement silence and distance until she complied, apologized, and I saw a change, or until I just never saw her again.

My ex wife loved attention and was a little naïve when it comes to men (in some cases - and in other she knew what she was doing). Every. Single. Male. Friend. she had wanted to bang her. They were orbiting and hoping for the chance. She soaked up the attention like a sponge and then acted surprised when the guy who worked in her same office building (for a different company) and went to lunch with 1:1 for months at least once a week ended up professing his love for her and wanted to leave his wife and 16yo daughter to be with her. I'm sure deep down she knew he wanted her but of course she claimed that wasn't the case to me. There were many more examples of this. After she dumped me, she ended up getting together with one of her orbiters for three years. This was all when I was blue-pill and didn't know any better - I let women tell me that telling them they couldn't see male friends 1:1 was controlling and completely uncalled for and unreasonable. 99% of women still tell me this but the difference is, I'm much wiser and understand that their little temper tantrums don't matter and won't convince me that I'm "wrong." You literally cannot be "wrong" with any boundary you have because it is your boundary. You may limit the number of women who will stay with you if your boundaries are way outside of the typical range, but that limiting doesn't mean your boundary is wrong. Men must learn to understand this.

Since I started employing these kinds of boundaries, I find the women I date to become more and more attached to me, even if they try to argue with me in the moment. Women LOVE to feel a man's masculine strength and leadership is one characteristic of this, and when you give them a boundary that they "don't like" and then demonstrate to them that you won't be pushed off balance, you won't change your mind on it, and you WILL walk away if they don't adhere, after they are done with their temper tantrum it draws them closer to you because you just demonstrated your masculine strength.

When I communicate with women in my friend group via text, etc, I usually create a group text with them and their BF. The women do the same. And it's 99% planning logistics, not talking about relationship troubles, bantering, talking about the weather, etc.

Agree 100%

 

[SW15]

Hot women get hit on all the time. This is true.

If a woman is "taken," however, (she is your GF/Wife) there is ZERO reason why she should ever be texting another man at midnight. It is one thing for her to get hit on by the random guy at the grocery store for a few brief moments - a whole other thing if it is a guy who has her phone number for some reason and is choosing to text her that late. To me, that would be an immediate red flag. I would calmly let her know I didn't consider it appropriate and don't think she would be OK with it if the shoe was on the other foot. I also would, at that point, want to know the story of who the guy was since, barring it being a male family member of hers, there would be no reason for her to ever be on the phone that late with another man.

I have to say I am little surprised by some of the posters here just saying to move on without saying anything. You are implicitly allowing that behavior to continue unless you set a boundary.

Well said. There's no reason for an attached woman to text any male who isn't a family member at midnight.

 

[DonJuanjr]

I would prefer a woman I’m seeing to solely have female friends.

I seen someone's list on here that went something like
1. Alpha males
2. High smv females
3. average females
4. beta males

or something to this extent... If this is the case, then them having female friends is just as bad as gay friends.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Well said. There's no reason for an attached woman to text any male who isn't a family member at midnight.

Or at any other time for that matter, IMO.