Discussion: You catch your GF/Wife texting another man at midnight

[Krueg]

Does she work graveyard shifts as well as him? Did she acted surprised or have a oh sh!t look on her face when you caught her? Did she introduce you to him? If your noticing NEGATIVE signs I would think about running away!

 

[bat soup]

She says he's just a friend and that's it. Do you do anything about it or just let it be?

Replace her with a younger model and tell her it's her fault for being a biitch.

 

[BeExcellent]

Beautiful women get approached all the time. That’s the landscape. It’s as natural as breathing. Now. Having said that there are ways to discourage unwanted attention. I do not wear make up on business trips any more for many years. I STILL get hit on everywhere, the rental car bus, going through security at airports at the store, at my fiancé’s events.

I get dolled up for him only. But if I’m dolled up obviously other men notice.

Last weekend some guys were checking me out (I didn’t notice this going about my business) but he did. He walked over. Embraced me & told me these guys were checking me out and one had grabbed a buddy to also check me out. So my guy noticed & made it clear that I’m taken. I mean I wear his ring and everything. He enjoys it actually. It makes him feel proud and like a winner along the lines of “Yup. She’s with ME.” (Big smile on his face) I don’t know who the guys were the other day as I didn’t look and didn’t care or notice in the first place. But this happens all the time.

I do not keep orbiters. My male friends are actually friends. We discuss and advise one another on relationships, parenting, and life. We encourage one another, hold one another accountable and are pleased to see the friend happy. That does not mean everyone is out to jump bones! My male friends are all abundance mindset men, at ease with women and skilled at seduction. Like them I understand “game” or I wouldn’t be here.

This idea that women are ALL so thirsty and insecure to be taking back up offers no matter what indicates not only insecurity in a guy but distrust of women generally as well. No way I’m dating or being exclusive with that. I have character and and treat my man with tremendous respect. If he is uncomfortable with something I respect that. He does the same for me.

Real friends are wonderful to have. Ditching friends, real friends who have been loyal to me when life was tough are not getting tossed out. Ever. And neither do I expect that of him.

I am a very sexy appealing woman. I know that. I manage that myself (conservative dress, no make up, chat about my man if someone chats me up)…etc. None of my guy friends are trying to get in my pants. Even if they think I’m hot, they are used to hot just as I am used to handsome. These are men who understand I am taken just as some of them are taken. And these are handsome abundant men. As a result a mutual respect exists.

And these guys really like & enjoy my fiancé too.

Such a nothing burger with real actual friends.

 

[Bokanovsky]

Beautiful women get approached all the time. That’s the landscape. It’s as natural as breathing. Now. Having said that there are ways to discourage unwanted attention. I do not wear make up on business trips any more for many years. I STILL get hit on everywhere, the rental car bus, going through security at airports at the store, at my fiancé’s events.

You sound like a threat to public safety. What if a bus driver catches a glimpse of you and loses control of the bus? Or an airport security guard fails to notice the terrorists because he's preoccupied staring at you? You should consider wearing a burka.

 

[CBear]

Sounds like he would be perfect for Islam and living in the Middle East. Next thing is he will be telling them they have to be covered head to toe with only their eyes showing so no guys can look at them.

Funny how those women still cheat routinely even tho they are so controlled

No, it's a topic of respect. But once again, this is about perception and culture. I work around 90% females and I get along well with all of them but when I was in relationships, I wouldn't entertain any conversations over the phone, especially if they were flirty, invites, or late night texts. It's setting the same expectations for someone else that you set yourself. Expectations are absolutely necessary when in any relationship. Yours may just be different than others. Obviously you can't be too extreme but I think you misunderstand his point of view. It's more of a balancing act. I've seen that in any situation where anyone entertains the opposite sex, it doesn't end well. Setting boundaries is not the same as forcing a woman to cover herself and not allow any man to look at her while you can look at or be with anyone you want lol. And no it's not going out of your way and saying "You're not allowed to talk to any man in the world" lmao. We talked about this in one of my last posts. You lean much farther into very liberal relationships where anything and everything is fine. That's why you aren't able to broaden this point of view as much. And there's nothing wrong with that if that works for you. I'm just explaining a different side, that in my eyes, has led to more sustainable and healthy relationships.

 

[Macadellic]

If you want to get in a serious committed relationship with a woman who has all the guy friends then go ahead.

You do you boo

I’ll continue to be just a friend to her.
You have nothing to worry about.

 

[Murk]

I’ve slept with a good few of my female friends, although the ones I’m friends with I have 0 inclination to bang them now, although I would if the chance presented itself and I felt like cheating on my gf and I could get away with it.

None of my gfs have had male friends, it’s just how it happened, I really wouldn’t feel comfortable with it. I don’t want men having access to my girlfriend, little chit chats, gossiping, fvck that.

 

[RangerMIke]

Could be a problem. Not enough information to say. I have female friends that have BFs and husbands, but I'm also friends with the men, but I'm not texting or talking to them at mid-night.

Naturally if you are interested in keeping a relationship going, this isn't a positive trend.

Really there isn't anything you can do about this except walk away if it really bothers you. Any effort to try and control this behavior will result in you being accused of being a control freak. If you leave, then she'll know why... you don't have to tell her unless she asks. If that happens just calmly explain that it's clear she is not serious about the 'relationship' and that you are looking for more of a commitment.

If she wants you, she will change... but understand there is also a possibility that going forward she will only be more careful and it might continue. So at that point you get to decide if you want to take her back. A woman that loves will will not do anything to put the relationship at risk.

 

[SW15]

Most men in the west have not had positive relationship experiences.

Correct. I have not. And I have a notch count higher than most men's.

good luck finding women who have NO male friends.

Yes, this is true. Most women have some male friends, orbiters, etc. in the picture. Most of those men are not a threat at all.

You can accept a woman having male friends, and just enjoy the ride for as long as it lasts. Once it's over and you disappear, you'll find out that the" good friend " is now her BF. Funny how she convinced you not to worry ain't it?

How can this be true if men aren't likely to escape the friend zone? The inescapibility of the friend zone is one of the reasons not to bother with being friends with a woman.

From my experience, a girl drops all of her friends for a guy she likes

True to some extent. The other reason is if she's desperate to make a relationship work because she's aging and feels insecure about being "30+, never married, no kids, and wants kids". That's what happened with the one female I had who dropped me. I wasn't even attracted to her and didn't live in her city and yet her boyfriend went apeshiit about us. She torched that friendship.

Casual acquaintances, work mates, yes. Solid friendships with men, no.

There has been quite a bit of discussion on this forum (and others) about women having "orbiters," for validation, back ups, to trade up, whatever.

I've never had positive experiences with it. Even when single, they all want to bang me, and it's a huge PITA.

Why were your orbiters not a good experience?

It's difficult to work a white collar job these days and not have acquaintances of the opposite sex. Only blue collar/manual labor is almost exclusively men.

I currently have 0 female friends. I have some acquaintances and I'm not on bad terms with any of my male friends' girlfriends/wives. The girlfriends/wives and I aren't ever talking though.

 

[Barrister]

Hot women get hit on all the time. This is true.

If a woman is "taken," however, (she is your GF/Wife) there is ZERO reason why she should ever be texting another man at midnight. It is one thing for her to get hit on by the random guy at the grocery store for a few brief moments - a whole other thing if it is a guy who has her phone number for some reason and is choosing to text her that late. To me, that would be an immediate red flag. I would calmly let her know I didn't consider it appropriate and don't think she would be OK with it if the shoe was on the other foot. I also would, at that point, want to know the story of who the guy was since, barring it being a male family member of hers, there would be no reason for her to ever be on the phone that late with another man.

I have to say I am little surprised by some of the posters here just saying to move on without saying anything. You are implicitly allowing that behavior to continue unless you set a boundary.

 

[dude99]

She says he's just a friend and that's it. Do you do anything about it or just let it be?

Why at midnight? The big question is she doing it on the sneek and Is she trying to hide it from you or are you the type that stay up late and she is texting "friends" with you knowing about it?

If she is doing behind your back you immediately terminate. No blow up no emotional reaction. Just walk away.

 

[SW15]

I honestly don't believe men desire to be "friends" with women, 99% of the time, they have a hidden agenda that reveals itself eventually.

They're men, we're women, there is a natural polarity and I would bet my right arm that even @Be male friends would love to bang her if given the opportunity.

Out of respect, they keep that hidden but I don't believe for one second they don't at least think about it and if they truly don't, then something is off with either the men themselves or the energy she projects and/or her feminine sexual essence isn't quite there despite her beauty.

I don't want to be "friends" with women. I do appreciate the friendship element of romantic relationships when I'm already having sex with the woman. Standalone friendship without sex is not something that interests me. One of the best things I've done in my nearly 25 years as a participant in the mating environment is not have platonic friendships with women in situations where I am attracted. I have had the occasional friendship with a woman when I'm not attracted, but even those friendships are a waste. I am truly grateful that I've never been in the friend zone with any woman where I've been attracted.

A couple have admitted to wanting to date me.

One male "friend" admitted to being in love with me!

And it's awkward and uncomfortable AF. Perhaps you'd have to be a woman to understand this.

This isn't surprising at all. This is typical Average Frustrated Chump type behavior.

if I need a man's assistance, I will call my boyfriend, one of my brothers or hire a contractor, lol.

Contractors are awesome. It's possible that a contractor could come on to you though while working on a project at your place if you are a homeowner. If you are a renter, an employed maintenance worker could come on to you.

Brothers are also useful. Boyfriends can be too. Women don't always have boyfriends but most "cute" to "hot" women are rarely on the market for long unless they are absurdly entitled or delusional. Many women are short term carousel riders though.

 

[SW15]

One of the best things I've done in my nearly 25 years as a participant in the mating environment is not have platonic friendships with women in situations where I am attracted.

In real life, I don't think I've gotten enough credit for doing this. Avoiding being friends with females is just such a strong strategic approach. It eliminates a lot of messy interactions. I have physical attraction to a lot of women.

The downside of me not having any female friends over time is that I have had weaker social circles and therefore no social circle arranged dates. I think this is less of a factor in my weak social circle over time as compared to the multiple relocations I had prior to settling in my current city when in my late 20s.

Lol yeah I've had contractors come on to me but I politely shut it down, tell them I have a boyfriend (even when I haven't) and I never have to see them again.

I use a boyfriend destroyer line every time I hear the "I have a boyfriend" line. I think most women have now learned not to use that excuse. I've been hearing it less in the past decade or so. I didn't learn about the destroyer lines until I started hearing it much, much less. I did see that this guy in 2021 got the "I Have a Boyfriend" line a bunch. He did not push back. I recommend all men push back on that one.

I certainly believe enough men are pushing back that women are getting more sophisticated in whatever reason they cite for denial.

I am not surprised at all that a contractor has come on to you. I don't know what you look like but a lot of women get hit on by contractors or maintenance workers in rentals.

 

[SW15]

Well in my defense most times I truly did have a boyfriend! So it's not always an excuse but will admit it IS efficient even when I haven't.

It probably is true more often than it isn't true. However, every man should push back on it in order to plant doubt in her mind and release the hypergamous tendencies. She needs to be considering the monkey branch.

Some men haven't been so gracious when I've told them, whether true or not.

I had one guy screaming at me in a parking lot when I told him and at the time it was true!

There is a line between push back and going overboard.

 

[2Rocky]

Well in my defense most times I truly did have a boyfriend! So it's not always an excuse but will admit it IS efficient even when I haven't. Lol

Some men haven't been so gracious when I've told them, whether true or not.

I had one guy screaming at me in a parking lot when I told him and at the time it was true!

This made me think about one time, at a brewery after a run when an attractive woman who I met in passing followed me out to my vehicle...

So we go out for 30 minutes or so and I return drenched in sweat. I've got my street clothes there and I change into them and use the bathroom. I'm sweating so much I left puddles in the bathroom, and I'm flushed. 30 seconds out of the bathroom, a young attractive female is calling to me. "Sir...Sir...". I turn and she is holding my phone. I'd left it in the bathroom. My mind momentarily goes to what that bathroom must look and smell like and I mentally shudder. Oh well she doesn't know me, **** IT....I thank her and smile and go order my beer and talk with my group for 20 -30 minutes. I drain my beer and I'm walking out to my car when the woman who had my phone is following me out into the parking lot...Calling after me....Looking closer she's wearing cute leggings and a tank top.​

​

I'm standing by my car and I jokingly ask "Did I leave my phone again?"​

She smiles and says "NOOOO....I wanted to ask you a question." (UH OH)​

​

​

"Are you married?"​

​

I grin.​

​

I responded. "No I'm not married. But I am going home to a beautiful woman I love very much."​

​

She nervously smiles and says "That is too bad. My friend thinks you are very attractive."​

​

I reply "Well, thank you for coming up and saying something. My name is *******. What's your's?​

​

"Sabrina"​

​

"Well Sabrina it was really nice meeting you and thank you for the compliment."​

​

"OK BYYYEEE"​

​

So I left feeling better about my prospects in life.​

 

[BeExcellent]

Here is the deal with my male friends. Just as they are all handsome and attractive (bangable), they all find me sexy, attractive and bangable. I exude a moxy and a sexy vibe that I can’t entirely turn off because of who I am. Men love my feminine energy.

But you have to deeply understand something. Looks and sexiness is a given. For me, for my buddies. So they are not thirsty after me AT ALL because guess what? I’m not the only hot chick they know. They know hot women, they bang hot women, Several of my male friends are in solid LTRs, one I set up with a pretty tall blue eyed blond friend of mine, another is engaged to a spicy Latina from Argentina.

When you hang around people who are attractive & have an abundance mindset frankly it takes the pressure off the whole male/female dynamic and everyone can relax and be themselves. If one of my buddies is single & looking? I’ll be a wingwoman. These guys know I’m taken, they respect that just as I respect their relationships.

There have been those that were unable to relax and so forth. Those guys were trying to orbit, and those guys get dropped and blocked out of respect for my man. Period.

One man I used to date my man is uncomfortable about even though the guy is really equivalent to his cool ex gf I’ve become friends with. Out of respect for my fiancé I do not get together with him or chat and so that friendship is fading. He understands why that is and it is a natural consequence. My fiancé has a nutty more recent ex girlfriend who is two faced and has talked trash about my guy (walked up, introduced herself & talked trash) to my face, while trying to entice him to come over and bang her behind my back…and he showed me her texts to that effect…so I’m not cool with him being friends or friendly with her since her motivation is sketch from the jump (he understands that any response to her whether positive or negative will encourage her further and respects my stance about it) and therefore he has no contact with her. So for us it comes down to evaluating each individual interaction as a unique interaction rather than a blanket “Thou shalt not do XYZ”…. and at the same time taking into account the other person’s feelings & preferences.

But no my male friends and I? No desire to bang. Not because there’s no attraction but because there is high respect which sublimates whatever attraction there might be in a vacuum. Life does not happen in a vacuum and context is everything.

 

[SW15]

I'm completely done having female friends, even though I've never had one in a situation where I possessed any level of attraction. I'll have cordial relationships with co-workers and be acquaintances/network connections of former co-workers. I'll also be cordial to my friends' girlfriends/wives if it is warranted.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

She says he's just a friend and that's it. Do you do anything about it or just let it be?

Why couldn't it wait till tommorrow? It's kind of LATE for a friend to be texting and it shouldn't be that urgent that she HAS to respond.

 

[SW15]

Why couldn't it wait till tommorrow? It's kind of LATE for a friend to be texting and it shouldn't be that urgent that she HAS to respond.

Some people do send text messages late. One of my male friends used to be notorious for sending me text messages between 10:30 PM - 12 AM when I was already asleep most of the time. The texts didn't wake me up but I did not respond until the next day. I receive texts nearly around the clock.

 

[Fruitbat]

I can confirm. We are just friends.

I’ll be over later, she wants me to move your bed so there might be a lot of banging.

don’t worry, I’ll bring you another Nintendo game and a bottle of Fanta as usual.

see ya, don’t forget to chill my beers.