Crusade of the Knight: A Journal.

[Rhino]

Did you know them at all? I know for a fact that girls that I hang around think its weird if a random guy comes up and grinds with them. Even guys who are well-established socially. But as long as I know the girl even a little bit I tend to have no problem.

But I think that before you jump right into trying to find a girlfriend you have to first gain respect and second establish yourself socially. You're on your way to gaining respect which is good, and I think the most important part of the high school dating scene, and probably the college one from what I've heard, is being entrenched socially.

 

[novaknight]

Autism Improvement Day 9

No, not really. I think I found out what I did wrong though.

It was the body language and the way I presented myself, really. Although I was dressed nice, it was the way I grinded. My good friend explained it all to me. But I still have issues with the body language bit.

My issue is that I appear stiff a lotta times. Certain mannerisms just appear stiff and awkward, yet as my friend said, "they kinda make you an unique person and interesting to be around, funny as hell too". It's just gonna be so hard to get rid of those mannerisms, cause I got to, if I want a good chance at getting girls!

The social ladder will be hard to climb. I already have a rep as a former homosexual. Also have a rep for lacking common sense and acting like a retard sometimes. At this point, I don't even know if its worth climbing.

I just want a chance to start fresh.

 

[novaknight]

Autism Improvement Day 10

Dropped a class in school. It was an honors class, but the teacher freaking teaches it even harder than an AP (smh). He was a nice and respectful guy though, so instead of just switching out and running away, I felt that he deserved some respect in return (I told him that he was a good teacher but I found myself not ready to take such an advanced class, I had nothing against him, etc).

Really a good teacher. Just way too hard. VERY smart too. One day, I wanna be that smart.

As for HB shorty...she's so adorable! She's short, very slender, and uhh...downright cute! I love her eyes. I just wanna go up to her and give her a hug!

She's not your traditional "hot girl". Nah, she's more of the cute innocent type. Somewhat shy, hard to crack.

This may be my greatest challenge yet, but if I pull this off, this will give me unimaginable confidence and inertia to move forward.

Looking in retrospect, I feel that even though I've been reading up on game so long, I got a lot of work to do. I can go to parties now, to a certain extent. Just gotta get invited.

Right now, though, I'm not even gunning to be a true Don Juan or PUA yet. I feel that I'm nowhere near that level. Although I've acquired a few elements of PUA/DJ, I hardly have the basic framework to effectively use those tools.

I don't care at this point about "super dandy speed seduction", or "the holy sacred tomes of Pook". Screw that. For now, my goal is to focus on becoming a normal person. Or at least doing a better job of pretending.
Who cares if I'm an AFC while at it? At least AFCs can get GFs and I can't, so I might as well work on upping myself to an average level, and then work on becoming a PUA after.

And I know I can do it! I just know it! I can do it! Whenever I feel like the battle is too hard, I just think of how I successfully purged all traces of same sex attraction.

Today, I looked in the mirror, and took a hard look at myself. I don't know if it's just the new surge of confidence I got, but suddenly I don't look so ugly no more! I actually look pretty decent!

Finally, I no longer think that so many girls are beyond me in looks. **** that. I firmly believe that HB Shorty is not above me in looks anymore. Sure I'm far from stunning. But its not like looks hold me back at all. Its just that I'm not so good looking that its an auto-win. Which is fine with me, and nothings wrong with that!

Hopefully the next day I see her (Friday), I'll actually start making moves. Today I talked to her a bit. Just don't know what to do next, as usual. Can someone help me out? I just need SOMETHING to say.

Boy, this is so exciting. I'm on my grind. Get Ready It's A New Day. GRIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[novaknight]

Autism Improvement, Day 11: I Feel Soo FREAKING GOOD TODAY!

Oh god, I feel so good today.

My SAT scores came out today. 1960 overall (the interruptions at my testing center messed me up so much). 720 Reading, 610 Writing, 640 Math. Pretty angry at first cause I coulda done so good had they not blared music during the test. But looking back on it, hey, I still got a pretty solid score, and next time when there's no loud music blasting outside, I can do even better!

My new science teacher seems to love me for some reason. "We're lucky to have a respectable gentleman in this class" she said to one of her colleagues in front of me. Damn, this feels great for some reason! Looks like I'm well respected among teachers. This proves that I can be respected by my fellow peers as well. Just takes a different methodology. Or perhaps it is the same? I just treat people like how I want to be treated: with dignity and respect.

Today, I feel probably the best I've ever been about my looks this year. Which is saying a lot. The receptionist in the office commented about how "my hair looked perfect" or whatever, she asked if I used gel or something. This two girls near me smiled and patted my head, and made some comment about it. It felt soo weird! I'm not used to getting this kinda female attention. I cut my hair short by the way. It looks pretty clean. Zero maintainence too. Short hair for the win! Didn't expect this kinda comment though, its really odd!

I was thrown off guard so much! I really hope I run into them again some day. Feels so uplifting, knowing that somehow people find you attractive!

Tomorrow, HB Shorty is going to get some work done on her. Oh god damn, I feel so high right now, in a good way.

Every day, so many unexpected good things can happen. Live life and Make em happen.

 

[novaknight]

Autism Improvement Day 12 (kinda long but real uplifting)

I'm real sorry to SoSuave I didn't do as well as I should. But moreover, I'm sorry to myself. On Monday though, I am ready to try again.

Right now, I have all the tools I need to succeed. I look pretty good now. And I actually believe it. Looks are no proper excuse at why I'm getting no action.

This community taught me so much. Remember when I talked about throwing all the things I learned away? I feel really bad about that now. Being an socially aware AFC is worse than being an socially inept guy who understands DJ/PUA philosophy.

I'd just like to ****ing thank you all. Thank God for putting me where I am today. Thank you Mom and Dad, for always being there. Thank you SoSuave, you guys opened up my eyes to a world of potential *****! I feel so fortunate that I have this opportunity to better myself.

Sometimes, you find inspiration right in front of your eyes. I see my father, who at his age, finds time to exercise amidst a busy career. At his age, he still exercises almost daily, and I've never seen a guy as old as him care about his diet so much. As a result, despite being decades older than I, hes still a really good looking guy.

Another thing that inspires me is this mentally challenged kid I see. He's so outgoing, and despite how he's retarded, you know what? People like him! I swear, if he wasn't retarded, he'd get all the chicks!

But this isn't even all about chicks.

I wanna lead a successful life. Have it all together. In the grand scheme of things, HB Shorty is just an insignificant speck. If I don't get shot down, GREAT! I might get her as a girlfriend, we might connect real well, who knows? Maybe I'll even grow to really appreciate her, holding her hand on warm starry nights outside. But if I get shot down? Let's just say, every time I failed, a better girl comes along and catches my eye. Even then, if every girl I ever go for in high school rejected me, it still doesn't mean anything. With a 1960 SAT, nice GPA, I could go places. That SAT's only going up when I take it again, hopefully with more ideal conditions. Shooting for 2100. And after college, a kid with a dream can even go on to change the world.

Autism is no freaking excuse to suck at women. It makes you awkward, sure! But due to the mercy of whoever created me, my intellect was not affected the least bit. Somehow I turned out to be a good natured, humorous, intelligent guy. The only thing I have to do is convey those traits to my romantic interests successfully, and just let my best self shine. Although I'm slightly different than mot, I'd like to believe my potential was not limited. No, scratch that! I KNOW my potential was limited! This crusade which I started will be conquered!

Despite previous failures, I smell success with HB Shorty though. Sure, due to past incident, I don't have the best rep in high school. But **** a rep. Reps don't mean sh1t in the long run either. What matters is what kinda person you are. I'm a good looking guy, with big dreams, a great work ethic, and plenty of ambition. What kinda girl in her right mind would turn that down?

A pretty damn immature one.

 

[novaknight]

Autism Improvement, Day 13: School and HB Shorty

Wow. Starting to get mad busy.

Gotta retake my SATs in the winter probably. My parents say that a 1960 won't cut it for an elite institution, and want me to score much higher. With a bit of studying, I'd probably pull off 2000+ easy.

Junior year's just getting hard though. Calculus is pretty weird, let me leave it at that for now. My language is pretty hard too. For english, I scored a B+ on an essay. That was like the 2nd highest in the class, and considering how hard the teacher is of a grader, that's a big accomplishment.

My disgustingly hard school district makes it difficult to achieve a great GPA, but it's doable. Just takes more work.

I get this sinking feeling that HB Shorty has not the slightest bit of interest in me. Those jerks just DLVed me so much, and I'm pretty sure HB Shorty mighta heard. It's my own fault for not standing up though. Next time I'll tell them off like one of the teachers did. That teacher was a huge inspiration. I've gotta stand up for myself, and other people from now on.

Whatever though. In the library, I think I caught a girl checking me out. Am I just imagining things? Or is this actually happening? If it is legit...I feel even more attractive! Just that I have no idea how to even start right now.
Mystery method doesn't work for school settings.

The girl was slim, with beautiful green eyes. She had a fair smooth complexion, I think she might have been of above average height. The guy next to her though....I couldn't tell if it was her boyfriend. He was real small, and puny. Skinny enough to make me look jacked as hell, even though I'm only 170 lbs with a scrawny arse upper body. Probably as tall as I was four years ago. Though he was real puny, I was scared of approaching a taken girl. I know, it's pretty embarrasing.

But if SHE was HIS girlfriend....then more power to him. I guess it just shows that all can be overcome! No matter how you look, there's an HB for everyone!


It seems that even though I lost HB Shorty, I might actually have other options open. The girl who complimented me in the office, and the library chick. Feels good to know you're a lot better looking than you once thought you were.

Anyone know how I should approach and open? Also, what should my plan of attack be?

 

[novaknight]

Autism Improvement, Day 14

A lack of sleep has been killing me right now. I show up to school with red eyes sometimes, and even bomb a few exams cause I'm way too tired to think clear. Getting hooked on coffee recently does no good to me either.

Problem is, I just can't fall asleep too early, and schoolwork keeps me up. When you have attention deficit, your mind just doesn't shut down when it's supposed to.

Gaah. Gotta find a solution.

Feeling real sore from a bench press workout by the way. Especially the triceps.

Trying to break social ground. So freaking hard though.

 

[Rhino]

Gotta retake my SATs in the winter probably. My parents say that a 1960 won't cut it for an elite institution, and want me to score much higher. With a bit of studying, I'd probably pull off 2000+ easy.

You're only a junior, you have plenty of time. I would wait a few months before retaking them. I retook the SAT 6 months after the first time with 0 studying and scored 70 points better (I didn't study because I knew I'd be sending in my ACT)

Tired-wise, drink tea instead of coffee. Works for me - invigorating without being addictive. Actually, I am probably addicted to it, but its better for you.

 

[novaknight]

Autism Improvement, Day 15

Argh, got my arse kicked by a pop quiz. Pop quizzes are gay as ****. If you want to test someone on something, freaking give them time to prepare before you do it.

Not an eventful day. Read up on social theory. Trying to start a club in my school, highly doubt it will get approved, but I hope it works out.

School's gonna be a pain this year.

Calculus is the thing that keeps me going though. Even though it's hard and abstract, the teacher's a boss.

 

[novaknight]

Autism Improvement, Day 16


Gotten back into a certain video game of mine. I used to be a demi-god at it, but I was a total shut-in who rarely left my house at that time.

What kept me back was that I'd always play by myself, and instead of getting real life experience against decent players, I'd play laggy online matches with amazing players and get creamed.

I remember talking to someone on that site. I asked him how come even though I put so much effort into that game, I'd get destroyed all the time.

He said it was mainly because of my disgustingly bad internet connection, which causes intense input delay. But also, he said I lack real life experience playing, and I should start going to tournaments if I want to become good. Also, he told me that online matches were a terrible indicator of skill. The dude told me that with intense lag, a lot of the games we played on there didn't mean anything, and if I wanted to truly improve, I should find someone at a decent level to play with in real life. Also, he told me that I should go outside more. "You show some intense dedication. But you're missing out on so much" he remarked.

Over a year later, I took his advice, and here I am. I don't even remember that guys name. But I'm real grateful he told me that.

I wanna use videogames as a social tool now. Go to tourneys, and make friends, and invite friends over. Maybe even get a girlfriend that way...but that's a stretch of course. Then again, I actually have an edge over a lot of gamer guys, searching for girls at tournaments. Lookswise, for sure. I'm pretty damn tall, and decent looking. Meanwhile...no offense to those dudes but so many of them smell like sh!t. Social skills wise...well, I'll say that I'm probably not gonna be the only guy with aspergers there. It'll be easy to relate to the people there, I'll be able to have stimulating conversations about technical aspects of a game. And have a hell of a good time too! Just need to get permission to go....

Damn, I shoulda thought of this ages ago.

 

[Rhino]

^No you don't. I used to LAN on CoD4 and trust me its antisocial as hell. You'd spend weeks online playing matches and ladder quals just to get there and realize that most people there are unfit for social contact. Being good at games isn't a value tool for normal people either. Not to say no one who was good at CoD had a life, cause that wasn't true either - I didn't, but I knew some people who did.
On that note, I was kinda tempted to buy MW3 again, but realized I'd get obsessed like I used to be. Plus my xbox is broken. It's a good decision in the long run.

 

[novaknight]

^No you don't. I used to LAN on CoD4 and trust me its antisocial as hell. You'd spend weeks online playing matches and ladder quals just to get there and realize that most people there are unfit for social contact. Being good at games isn't a value tool for normal people either. Not to say no one who was good at CoD had a life, cause that wasn't true either - I didn't, but I knew some people who did.
On that note, I was kinda tempted to buy MW3 again, but realized I'd get obsessed like I used to be. Plus my xbox is broken. It's a good decision in the long run.

I'm not planning to ever go online again. I'm talking about starting a social club dedicated to playing the game I'm really interested in, and maybe entering tournaments. A good friend of mine's real popular, and almost as good as I am at the particular game.

 

[novaknight]

Autism Improvement Day 17: Hanging out with people

So much fun today hanging out with friends. It was a group of guys. We played videogames for most of the time. Although they're nowhere as good as the pros I went up against online, it sure beats sitting on your couch praying that you'll win ladder points. Instead of playing competitively, I just played for the sake of having fun.

I wanna get outside more often like today. The fresh air feels so much better than inside.

 

[Jack Wealthy]

Call me stupid, but how does this help picking up girls?

I'm just kidding man, keep up the good work ;D

 

[novaknight]

Autism Improvement Day 18: More hanging out.

Invited a new friend over to play the game. He learned from my playing, and I learned from him about social skills too.

Basically, I learned how not to be a loser.

He was talking about this really obnoxious kid who everyone hates. Nobody likes him at all, it's just that some people feel sorry for him and don't hate him as much, so they hang around him a bit. I learned a few of the traits to avoid.

I try my best not to be annoying and obnoxious, usually I'm not. Sometimes I can't help it, but at least I know a lotta the traits to avoid.

Attitude is probably the defining factor though. That obnoxious kid; he's just extremely rude and pretty much an arsehat.

I'm on my way of expanding the social circle, and slowly getting into chicks that way.

Muahahahaha!

 

[novaknight]

Autism Improvement Day 19
Screw God. He's not gonna help me improve. Only I have that kind of power. Time to stop putting everything in the hands of a imaginary sky-lord.

Well. During my time as a videogamer, I analyzed fields, characters, and I think I'm pretty decent at analysis, consisting of identifying disadvantages/advantages, finding ways to overcome obstacles, etc. It seems that girls are really just some sort of messed up game, with its own retarded rules.

Like I used to do with videogame matches, I drafted a list of my advantages and disadvantages, and how to counter them, to beat the opponent (which is, in this case, girls).

Disadvantages I have
-I have a very awkward gait.
-Awkward facial expressions and twitches
-Social skills do not come naturally.
-Lack of normal conversational ability
-Minimal social proof in school
-Not much common sense, getting me to many awkward situations

Advantages
-I'm terrific at putting on fake personalities, a trait I learned from over the years. This comes in handy in building quick social proof in places outside of school.
-Above average looks (probably at the borderline attractive level).
-Quick learner, I grasp concepts very swiftly. I'm also pretty smart. This can help me outwit the game.
-A burning desire. I'm sick of watching people get laid while I get nothing. Pure ambition will bring a man very far.
-I'm a polarizing figure. You'll either really like me, or don't like me at all.
The people that like me think I'm one of the most witty, funny people ever.
==========

I feel that right off the bat, I have a slight advantage due to looks. The more action I take, the more I lose that advantage, as girls find out I'm not a very...normal guy? I dunno how to put it.

Theoretically, I could just have the girls chase me. But that's not gonna work in practice. I'm not attractive enough that girls just come to me.

Those fake personas...not gonna work in school. Because you can only put on an act for so long. And even then, people will eventually figure out.

But...I figured a great solution.

Why limit yourself to school? There's so many places to meet people. In the world of gaming, when you did poorly on a stage and lose, you'd simply pick another stage where the odds are in your favor.

Now where would that place be? I dunno yet. But I'll be on the lookout.

The conclusion? An uphill battle, but very winnable. Just need some smart maneuvers.

 

[Mindgamez]

Wow that's an interesting journal Novaknight . I can kind of relate to! That's pretty cool because I'm kind of at the same level you are. Make sure ton push your comfort zone everyday, and one day you'll be a pro I'm sure!

You have msn? Maybe we can chat sometimes. I always wanted to have a buddy with who I can relate to and talk about pick up, because most of my AFC friends aren't really into it haha.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

What's a gait, and how can you overcome it?
Why are these fake personalities and not other sides of yourself? Just because you don't act like that all the time does NOT mean its fake.
Why are you a quick learner?

What Im getting at here is that all of these are up to interpretation and based on previous experience and beliefs. Remember when you thought you were ugly as ****? Was anything different? It's all about beliefs. Girls are not your opponents. Choose global beliefs that empower you.

 

[Jack Wealthy]

A gait is a walk.

I do have a reply to this, but basically I just want to say you really will not get into girls this way. These conventions/tournaments are hugely antisocial and the few girls who come are girlfriends. Build a social circle through school activites or a sport, this stuff will take a lot longer and never go as far.

About the rest of it... Exaggerate your persona. You seem like the type who tries to hide himself and believes he fools people, flash yourself out there. Basically, true and recognise within you is a core to those personalities and a shared identity. Feel that identity.

 

[VincentNew]

Even Napoleon had his Watergate.