Can I save my LTR?

[woopwoop]

man i wish i knew this girl better. i'm not sure if she's just freaking because she is losing control or because she realy wants you back. i'd say don't cave for now or else she'll always know that all she has to do is throw an emotional tantrum to get you back. feel her out when she comes back to get her stuff this weekend. don't talk about things anymore let **** simmer for now.

 

[cordoncordon]

Well, I pulled the trigger tonight.

After I didn't answer her last text she called me twice while I was out eating with friends, and I didn't answer. She then texted me something like "if you want to talk just call me whenever. I'll leave you alone." I still didn't respond.

A couple hours later...

her: "Are you just gonna ignore me?"

me: No. But how are you going to clear your head if we don't take some space though?

her: Is that what we're doing? I didn't know. Sorry.

me: You're telling me your confusion is cleared up in one day?

her: I'm not saying that. I would still like to talk to you and keep in touch. Maybe this is what you really awnt deep down. I don't know. You seem to be great so don't let me get in your way.



That message really said volumes to me, obviously at this point I have to do just break it off. So I sent her exactly what cordon suggested. After that:

her: That's not what I want/you said we could work on things and now you just want things to be over?

me: Read what I just told you.

her: You know, for you loving me so much you are very calm. I'm the one that's a mess and you don't even give a ****. This is not what I want. So fine. Glad you got to tell me this through text.

me: Quit trying to make me feel guilty. You are the one that brought this on our relationship, not me.

her: I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. I know I fvcked everything up.I just didn't expect for you to be like peace out then. Over a text. I think maybe deep down this is what you want.

me: It has nothing to do with how much I love you. It's about me being true to myself. I will not be disrespected. I will not be a second option. And I will not be with someone who isn't sure they want to be with me.

her: ok. I'm sorry. I'm just confused. But I do love you. And I wanted to see you tonight. That's why I was calling you. But I don't blame you, I wish you the best. I'll leave you alone. And FYI, you are not a second option. I want things to work with you.

me: You have a lot of soul searching to do. And I wish you the best as well. Later this week you can pick up your things here.

her: I can't believe this is really over/you must feel relieved

Awesome, simply awesome. You did well my friend. And it is simply amazing to me how she can bring this drama into the relationship, feel upset about it, and then expect you to feel pain right along with her. The nerve of her huh? I don't know man, after reading all of that, I think you can do better, a lot better. And trust me on this, she will come crawling back very soon, of that I am sure. Now whether you take her back or not, that is up to you, but imo she has a TON of explaining to do. And you need to make her suffer and realize exactly what she did, so the thought of ever doing something like that again makes her quiver with agony.

 

[LoneWolf]

after witnessing all this, i get somewhat scared of being in a relationship. putting all the effort and energy knowing down the road sh1t like this might happen. sometimes being single is better? daaamn.

 

[Colossus]

49au I think you did very well here. You held your ground, weren't dragged into her guilt trips or attempts at martyrdom---you just kept your head and left it all on her, in an open an non-judgmental way. Whether it was through text or not is kind of beside the point---the message got across.

Part of being in a relationship---and being a MAN---is realizing every day that things can change on a moment's notice. The moment you think you cannot lose something is often the moment that cosmic pickup truck comes to load it up and take it away. A woman's love can be VERY strong, but they cannot divide their heart. And you cannot have a woman who has doubts about being with you, whatever they may be.

It's also one of the great paradoxes of life that the more you 'let go', the more it fosters love and loyalty in a woman. And the tighter you hold on---the more you try to 'keep' her and control the course of everything, the more likely you will push her away for good. It's like that old Zen analogy of the tree that neither holds onto the bird's feet nor shakes them from its branches. The tree simply IS, and the birds must come of their own accord.

I would not at all be surprised if this girl comes back to you. From that point it is up to you---weigh her sincerity and her humility. It seems to me like she does want you but she has gotta let go of those doubts and old feelings before that can happen. And if it does, your frame will be magnificent my friend, because she'll know you arent afraid to let go of her. :rockon:

 

[vatoloco]

her: You know, for you loving me so much you are very calm. I'm the one that's a mess and you don't even give a ****. This is not what I want. So fine. Glad you got to tell me this through text.

Wow. Just, wow.

Translation: "You're not suffering. I want you to suffer. Give me an emotional response to satisfy my perverse need of emotions."

The opposite of love is not hate. It's indifference.

You handled it well. +rep

 

[flnazrael]

double post

 

[flnazrael]

A few questions here.

This seems like the worst option for many reasons, especially since she is submissive and always wants me to take the lead in things, large or small.

What if she wants you back but she's too passive or hurt to say it? This is a possibility... how do you recognize it?



Also, if she does come crawling back, when is the right time to accept her? If it's too soon she will lose respect for his resolve. But if she's pushed away too long, she will give up.


And last, if she does try to come back, how do you know if it is not simply out of loneliness or her not being able to stomach the idea of him with another woman? If she comes back for any other reason than that she realizes she wants to be him with, it won't work.

 

[49au]

She called a couple more times after the last message I posted, sent another text a while later. We'll see.

I put her and all her friends into a list on FB and changed my settings so that they can't see any more of my profile than a non-friend, even though I didn't delete them. She noticed quickly and at like 6am sent me a FB message, "wow that was fast... you are just throwing me out of your life"


I'm definitely in the wtf-did-i-do phase right now, but I made the decision and I'm not going to reverse it. I don't know what to expect or how long this process could take.


Here's a picture of her, FWIW: http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/135/58394101502704654703007.jpg/ She's not a bad looking girl, and Latin is my favorite.

 

[cordoncordon]

Only thing I would caution against is to not go overboard with the perceived "punishment" on her. Meaning the FB thing and anything else. That could be seen as you just trying to get back at her and trying to get her to change her mind. At this point you need to go on with your life and act "as if" nothing is bothering you and that you are moving on with not a shred of anger in your body.

Saw the pic. First impression> yes she is a cutie no doubt. She looks like the type that is used to getting what she wants. Looks like she could be a spoiled brat and emotional as well. haha

Since I talked about my gf on this thread, here is mine. I'm a white guy btw. And yes I know this will piss some guys off haha.


http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/163/rose4h.jpg/

 

[pipe007]

you are in the "WTF did I just do" phase?

you did the right thing brother. you NEVER want to be with someone who is not 100% sure that she wants to be with you.

remember 100%, never accept less than that for your own mental health in the future.

so are you being too harsh on someoen who doesn't want to be with you anymore? who makes you feel guilty and will NOT change her mind even though you pulled back from her???

time to move on, and forget about this one, until she knocks your door crying and begging you to have her back... so that you can make her go home and think about what she really wants.

and keep doing that.

 

[betheman]

She called a couple more times after the last message I posted, sent another text a while later. We'll see.

I put her and all her friends into a list on FB and changed my settings so that they can't see any more of my profile than a non-friend, even though I didn't delete them. She noticed quickly and at like 6am sent me a FB message, "wow that was fast... you are just throwing me out of your life"


I'm definitely in the wtf-did-i-do phase right now, but I made the decision and I'm not going to reverse it. I don't know what to expect or how long this process could take.


Here's a picture of her, FWIW: http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/135/58394101502704654703007.jpg/ She's not a bad looking girl, and Latin is my favorite.

you have done well, ok Im sure its upsetting but you get back with her and she will DUMP YOU! 99% CERTAINTY.
you have saved yourself a lot more pain, kept your dignity and self respect, all too easy to let them slip and boy does it hurt!
she wants you to hurt, she wants to be the dumper

 

[JdelaSilviera]

"""She has broken down crying on more than one occasion when she's talked about school and how far behind she feels in her preparation for board exams. So I don't think it's BS, though as you say there is more going on here than just stress.
"""

Women are great actresses, they can cry everytime they want to. First let me tell you, that you must be confident in your own intuition, remember that nobody here knows her.

Now let me also tell you, that pretty recently a friend of mine, had an identical story to yours.... he was dating a girl who is in med school, and she also started crying how she couldn´t deal with the pressure from school and from the relationship. She broke up with my friend, and the biatch is a few months after engaged to a more handsome guy... what a fvcking slut....
He also thought she was an angel blablabla..... women aren´t all that. Be a bad boy ALWAYS, even when she seems a saint......

Really her talk, is very typical of a girl who is no longer that interested,but still wants to keep you around as an option, i could be wrong though... I´m stressed with school, you are too good for me, are stuff that women tell you all the time...when they are not into you. I would cut contact immediatly and start seeing other girls.

That´s just my opinion.

 

[LoneWolf]

it's always the hot ones that cause problems eh?

 

[49au]

Well, I am in wtf-did-i-do mode right now simply because while I think I did the right thing, it's possible this was too heavy handed and I should've just backed away quietly. Basically, this:

What if she wants you back but she's too passive or hurt to say it? This is a possibility... how do you recognize it?

Really her talk, is very typical of a girl who is no longer that interested,but still wants to keep you around as an option, i could be wrong though... I´m stressed with school, you are too good for me, are stuff that women tell you all the time...

Yeah.

"I don't deserve you"
"You deserve better"
"It's nothing you did, it's me"
"I don't want to hurt you"

These are massive red flags and I've heard all of them from her this last week. I do think she wanted to keep me as an option, maybe even her primary option, but I am denying her that, so we'll see what happens.

Only thing I would caution against is to not go overboard with the perceived "punishment" on her. Meaning the FB thing and anything else.

True. I sent her a reply saying, "I'm not trying to be mean or vindictive, I just don't think it's appropriate." She texted me almost immediately after. lol

Your girl is hot. I love Asian girls too. Briefly dated an Asian stripper with an insane body last year, she was one of the "plates" I dropped for this girl.

 

[woopwoop]

Wow. Just, wow.

Translation: "You're not suffering. I want you to suffer. Give me an emotional response to satisfy my perverse need of emotions."

The opposite of love is not hate. It's indifference.

You handled it well. +rep

yeah good thing he didn't listen to your advice!!

 

[woopwoop]

ok 49 you need to stop shoviong all this **** down her throat. Frankly in her picture she looks like a club hopping jerry springer cast member that your never gonna find common ground with but you know her better then me. regardless stop doing petty things like dropping FB **** and dah dah dah dah dah. I told you to just let **** marinate. No reason to kick her when she is down because now you are going to give her ammunition if you go to far. BE A MAN. this does not mean turn around and grovel at her feet now. just leave it alone till this weekend like i told you. That's it man i'm signing off on this one.

 

[49au]

Maybe I chose the wrong picture then.

She has certainly gone out clubbing with me before, but she doesn't like to do that much. She prefers spending time alone with me, offers to pay for a lot of things, including paying for my birthday in South Beach when she is living on loans. She's not the type of girl you are imagining.

Not saying this excuses this behavior, just clarifying something.

 

[vatoloco]

yeah good thing he didn't listen to your advice!!

Totally agree, man. Especially since I didn't give him any.

 

[49au]

She sent me a lot of messages while at work today, I'm kind of undecided about how to interpret them. I'm not really sure how to read this, it doesn't seem good though. As someone said, I think the real test is going to be how she acts when she comes to pick up her stuff, whenever that is.


I selected a few:

her: It's ok. I know you don't want to waste any more time. I'm sure you already made a comment about how I'm such a cold hearted b1tch.
her: Bc I got a message about it. (can't be true because I said absolutely nothing even remotely like that to anyone, publicly or privately)
me: I haven't and I won't. I'm not mad at you at all. You don't seem to understand that.
her: Ok then you're happy or releived about it. Good for you 49au.
her: Look I get it... You want me out. Fine

me: For you to think about your ex when you're with me, means that I'm not giving you something you need. I'm not bitter about that. I just accept it.

her: Im sorry about everything. I'm heart broken... Whether you care to believe that or not. But you're good (referring to how calm I have been). So I'll be out of your life for good.

It wasn't like that... It wasn't because I want to be with him. I know you're a better man than he will ever be. I was just being honest. It's not because i want or will get back with him.

me: This is why you need time away to clear your head.

her: Religion is the main thing. I have been thinking about my ex. But because I never got closure. I'm not gonna get it. I had an abortion (with him) and now I'm doing them in this rotation. It's very hard. My best friend just had a baby bc she wasn't a coward and had an abortion.

I'm not trying to make excuses. You deserved better from me. I'm sorry. I just know that I don't want to lose you.

But its too late I think. It just hurts so bad.

... later she mentions seeing an ultrasound of these 2 month old babies, which hers was around that time. I think doing this experience did something in her head relating to her ex and somehow tied that in with me.

her: I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty or bc I want you to take me back right now. I know you already made up your mind. I just don't want this to end. And I don't want it to end and you think that I dont see myself with you. I'm gonna let you go and respect what you want. But it's gonna hurt like hell... I wish I could be as big of a person and as strong as you.

All I know is that I woke up today and wish I hadn't. And I can't stop thinking about you.

last one:

I know by now everyone knows you're single. And you're gonna have girls knocking down your door. And I know you have needs.... Don't forget about me :*(

Haven't responded to the last two. Guess I won't.


The problem I have here is trying to figure out if she's sincere or not, and what to look for. And if she is sincere and regrets this, knowing how far to push her away before I bring her back in, if that's what I decide to do.

 

[CostaDeSol]

She sent me a lot of messages while at work today, I'm kind of undecided about how to interpret them.

It sounds like she wants a lot of attention and pity. I found that an "out of sight" and "no contact" policy works best for handling ex's. I would put all her stuff in a box and it leave out side the door and tell her that she has to come pick it up while your away. I don't think this is rude, its just that you need to start putting distance between yourself and her.

I would also stop communicating with her. no messaging, no phone calls. There is no point in giving her any more attention.