These forums have helped me put all the pieces together to help me realize what happened as things were really confusing being with my ex. Its helped me figure out that she is a BPD, when I met her I knew she had mental health issues and she's on meds for it. I did notice a pattern of her train wreck life I couldn't place any answers to it as I've never had any experience with BPD women. Now that I know what I know her train wreck life is text book BPD. I always wondered why she would sabotage her success she would try so hard to be successful then screw it up. I also learned why she acted so child like at times she even talked like a child at times. I'm so glad she is out of my life, she would have been the perfect woman if she didn't have BPD she was attractive and smart, she is a high functioning BPD, you wouldn't know she has BPD until you got to know her.
BPD's can control their behavior…they choose not to
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MrAddiction
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I found that in another Thread but think it is worth to repost in here.
The whole thread is a good read.
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/help-possible-cluster-b-feeling-totally-lost.183173/page-8
---------------------
49au
---------------------------
Secondly, forgive her. It is not anyone's fault that they have BPD. That does not mean that her actions are appropriate, healthy, or should be condoned. It also does not mean that they are fit for relationships. I am not saying any of that. I'm saying that you have experienced someone whose self-loathing, pain, fear, and despair is unfathomable, and she will be this way FOREVER. Honestly? I pity my ex. I'm not going to be her tampon, her therapist, her friend, or anything else, but I pity her. I hope she gets help. I hope yours gets help. It may not seem like it sometimes, but these women are MISERABLE. They are broken, hurting, and lost in ways that you and I will never be. And the good news is that WE have the capacity to examine our wounds, move forward, and become stronger men with stronger boundaries and more to offer a healthy woman. But our exes? They will continue to drift in the black void they call their life.
The last two points have been disputed in this thread so I'm going to write another post with a different perspective.
Also -
Findog said:
"It brings back all the feelings I've been working on trying to process - the lack of closure, not understanding it, the hurt of losing her, feeling like I have struggled to enjoy my life fully while healing whereas she appears to have moved on to a carefree existence."
If you think that a woman with BPD can have a carefree existence, you do not understand this disorder.
As far as her forgetting you - BPDs do not grieve, they repress. Devaluation and splitting are their bread and butter. It's how they avoid asking themselves, "Why did I push a good man away?" She will revise history and find some way to make you unsuitable, find some reason why it would never have worked anyway, etc. It's like a psychological levee they build in order to keep out memories and feelings which will lead to pain, which will lead to introspection and accountability. They are obviously terrified of these things. This "levee" can consist of lies she tells herself about you, some new guy, her career, anything to distract her.
Weeks or months later, that levee will probably break. And when that happens, she will go through the pain she DIDN'T go through at the beginning. This is why you will read so much about them re-engaging, "hoovering", etc. They never really get over anyone. They just bury, bury, bury.
There is a very unhealthy idea (IMHO) on this forum that BPDs intentionally "victimize" and manipulate men only to leave them. Yet I think, as Die Hard said, it is naive to give them that much credit. BPDs have been called "evil", "vampires", etc., but in reality they are just very sick people whose brains simply don't process the world correctly. This means that they leave a trail of destruction, but it does not mean that they intended to.
This is due to both nature AND nurture. These people experience childhood trauma of some sort, and are stuck around 3 years old in their psychological development (nurture) Yet it has been shown that there are physical differences in a BPD's brain (nature).
Proponents of this idea will argue that BPDs are hyper-emotional and experience wild highs and lows, then turn around and say that these women feel nothing for their victims. This is contradictory. The problem is not LACK of emotion, it is dysregulation of emotion.
These men will also argue that borderline women are grand schemers and masterful manipulators who plot things weeks and months in advance... while in the same post conceding that BPDs have the emotional and psychological capacity of a 3 year old.
I don't know a whole lot of 3 year olds who are capable of grand, complex schemes. Yes, borderline women CAN be extremely intelligent (mine has maintained nearly flawless grades through 3+ years of med school), but their emotional intelligence is practically zero. Combine this with their inability to regulate emotion, their sheer impulsiveness, and I find it hard to believe that these women intentionally lay complex plans for the future.
As mine told me from the very beginning, "I'm not a planner. I hate plans." (One of the few things I believe her about now
)
BPDs are addicted to the longing for love. They will chase it, and re-live childhood abandonment over and over and over again. This is their subconscious drive. Consciously, however, they are desperately looking for "The One", that magical person who will cure their problems and fill the giant void they have in place of a true sense of self.
Someone like that recycles men not because they hate men; but because they are constantly realizing that the new guy is not providing that magic bullet, the wholeness they are seeking. The difference between a normal person and a BPD is that a BPD is capable of realizing, "This person is not going to make me whole," but they are too childlike to realize that "no other person is ever going to make me whole." The cycle repeats because they are incapable of connecting the dots and realizing that the problem is not the men in their cycle, the problem is the goal of the cycle.
In the beginning, they desperately want to love you. They want you to be "The One." And they think you are. And they are full of love for you (or what they interpret as love)!
Too many guys are listening to this "she never loved you" line, and it is both wrong and damaging. You are left with the impression that it was all a lie, and it wasn't. Was it real, healthy, reciprocal adult love? No... but it was not a cold, conscious manipulation. She wanted it just as much as you did. She wanted the pain to go away.
I am finally realizing what mine meant when she told me post-breakup, "I gave you my heart. What I felt for you was real. But I've given so many pieces of my heart away that I have nothing left to give." At the time it sounded like contradictory drivel; but during that very lucid period, she gave me a glimpse into her miserable life of pouring herself into guy after guy after guy, trying to find that "special" one that would fix everything from her childhood. And when she sensed that I wanted something from her, a real intimacy, she instinctively knew that she was not healthy enough to give it to me. She was not "on my level", with regard to emotional capacity. It's the same for all of them.
Remember, BPD is a personality disorder. It is not just some random neurotic behavior like biting your nails or having a fear of spiders. It is a pervasive infection of the psyche that makes these women view the world in an irrational and sometimes downright psychotic way. The way they act is terrible, hurtful, manipulative, and yes, we must avoid them at all costs. But that doesn't mean they are going around trying to victimize everyone.
Deep down, they are little children struggling with shame, self-hate, fear, confusion, rejection, and an overwhelming desire for love. Their motives are not nearly as sinister - or complex - as some would imagine.
The "hate your BPD ex because she is a psycho manipulative witch who never loved you" mindset does NOT lead to true healing. It leads to bitterness and a victim mentality. You are hers forever, whether you're in her world or not. And what's truly sick about it is that you are employing the same defense mechanisms to shield your psyche from the pain of losing her that she uses to defend from the pain of confronting herself: splitting and devaluation.
I think the proper attitude is to recognize that a) these women are severely disordered b) they really did love you (in their way) but the disorder will ALWAYS win c) they had/have good qualities that you can enjoy in a future woman d) the relationship was NOT all bad e) there WERE moments of sincerity and humanity in the relationship f) you will come out of this a stronger man.
The whole thread is a good read.
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/help-possible-cluster-b-feeling-totally-lost.183173/page-8
---------------------
49au
---------------------------
Secondly, forgive her. It is not anyone's fault that they have BPD. That does not mean that her actions are appropriate, healthy, or should be condoned. It also does not mean that they are fit for relationships. I am not saying any of that. I'm saying that you have experienced someone whose self-loathing, pain, fear, and despair is unfathomable, and she will be this way FOREVER. Honestly? I pity my ex. I'm not going to be her tampon, her therapist, her friend, or anything else, but I pity her. I hope she gets help. I hope yours gets help. It may not seem like it sometimes, but these women are MISERABLE. They are broken, hurting, and lost in ways that you and I will never be. And the good news is that WE have the capacity to examine our wounds, move forward, and become stronger men with stronger boundaries and more to offer a healthy woman. But our exes? They will continue to drift in the black void they call their life.
The last two points have been disputed in this thread so I'm going to write another post with a different perspective.
Also -
Findog said:
"It brings back all the feelings I've been working on trying to process - the lack of closure, not understanding it, the hurt of losing her, feeling like I have struggled to enjoy my life fully while healing whereas she appears to have moved on to a carefree existence."
If you think that a woman with BPD can have a carefree existence, you do not understand this disorder.
As far as her forgetting you - BPDs do not grieve, they repress. Devaluation and splitting are their bread and butter. It's how they avoid asking themselves, "Why did I push a good man away?" She will revise history and find some way to make you unsuitable, find some reason why it would never have worked anyway, etc. It's like a psychological levee they build in order to keep out memories and feelings which will lead to pain, which will lead to introspection and accountability. They are obviously terrified of these things. This "levee" can consist of lies she tells herself about you, some new guy, her career, anything to distract her.
Weeks or months later, that levee will probably break. And when that happens, she will go through the pain she DIDN'T go through at the beginning. This is why you will read so much about them re-engaging, "hoovering", etc. They never really get over anyone. They just bury, bury, bury.
There is a very unhealthy idea (IMHO) on this forum that BPDs intentionally "victimize" and manipulate men only to leave them. Yet I think, as Die Hard said, it is naive to give them that much credit. BPDs have been called "evil", "vampires", etc., but in reality they are just very sick people whose brains simply don't process the world correctly. This means that they leave a trail of destruction, but it does not mean that they intended to.
This is due to both nature AND nurture. These people experience childhood trauma of some sort, and are stuck around 3 years old in their psychological development (nurture) Yet it has been shown that there are physical differences in a BPD's brain (nature).
Proponents of this idea will argue that BPDs are hyper-emotional and experience wild highs and lows, then turn around and say that these women feel nothing for their victims. This is contradictory. The problem is not LACK of emotion, it is dysregulation of emotion.
These men will also argue that borderline women are grand schemers and masterful manipulators who plot things weeks and months in advance... while in the same post conceding that BPDs have the emotional and psychological capacity of a 3 year old.
I don't know a whole lot of 3 year olds who are capable of grand, complex schemes. Yes, borderline women CAN be extremely intelligent (mine has maintained nearly flawless grades through 3+ years of med school), but their emotional intelligence is practically zero. Combine this with their inability to regulate emotion, their sheer impulsiveness, and I find it hard to believe that these women intentionally lay complex plans for the future.
As mine told me from the very beginning, "I'm not a planner. I hate plans." (One of the few things I believe her about now
)BPDs are addicted to the longing for love. They will chase it, and re-live childhood abandonment over and over and over again. This is their subconscious drive. Consciously, however, they are desperately looking for "The One", that magical person who will cure their problems and fill the giant void they have in place of a true sense of self.
Someone like that recycles men not because they hate men; but because they are constantly realizing that the new guy is not providing that magic bullet, the wholeness they are seeking. The difference between a normal person and a BPD is that a BPD is capable of realizing, "This person is not going to make me whole," but they are too childlike to realize that "no other person is ever going to make me whole." The cycle repeats because they are incapable of connecting the dots and realizing that the problem is not the men in their cycle, the problem is the goal of the cycle.
In the beginning, they desperately want to love you. They want you to be "The One." And they think you are. And they are full of love for you (or what they interpret as love)!
Too many guys are listening to this "she never loved you" line, and it is both wrong and damaging. You are left with the impression that it was all a lie, and it wasn't. Was it real, healthy, reciprocal adult love? No... but it was not a cold, conscious manipulation. She wanted it just as much as you did. She wanted the pain to go away.
I am finally realizing what mine meant when she told me post-breakup, "I gave you my heart. What I felt for you was real. But I've given so many pieces of my heart away that I have nothing left to give." At the time it sounded like contradictory drivel; but during that very lucid period, she gave me a glimpse into her miserable life of pouring herself into guy after guy after guy, trying to find that "special" one that would fix everything from her childhood. And when she sensed that I wanted something from her, a real intimacy, she instinctively knew that she was not healthy enough to give it to me. She was not "on my level", with regard to emotional capacity. It's the same for all of them.
Remember, BPD is a personality disorder. It is not just some random neurotic behavior like biting your nails or having a fear of spiders. It is a pervasive infection of the psyche that makes these women view the world in an irrational and sometimes downright psychotic way. The way they act is terrible, hurtful, manipulative, and yes, we must avoid them at all costs. But that doesn't mean they are going around trying to victimize everyone.
Deep down, they are little children struggling with shame, self-hate, fear, confusion, rejection, and an overwhelming desire for love. Their motives are not nearly as sinister - or complex - as some would imagine.
The "hate your BPD ex because she is a psycho manipulative witch who never loved you" mindset does NOT lead to true healing. It leads to bitterness and a victim mentality. You are hers forever, whether you're in her world or not. And what's truly sick about it is that you are employing the same defense mechanisms to shield your psyche from the pain of losing her that she uses to defend from the pain of confronting herself: splitting and devaluation.
I think the proper attitude is to recognize that a) these women are severely disordered b) they really did love you (in their way) but the disorder will ALWAYS win c) they had/have good qualities that you can enjoy in a future woman d) the relationship was NOT all bad e) there WERE moments of sincerity and humanity in the relationship f) you will come out of this a stronger man.
This is great man. This is a great breakdown of the condition. These girls are monsters but only because they are hurting greatly. We should stay away from them but also have empathy. If we had their childhood we would probably be equally messed up. Their capacity for self awareness is non existent.I found that in another Thread but think it is worth to repost in here.
The whole thread is a good read.
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/help-possible-cluster-b-feeling-totally-lost.183173/page-8
---------------------
49au
---------------------------
Secondly, forgive her. It is not anyone's fault that they have BPD. That does not mean that her actions are appropriate, healthy, or should be condoned. It also does not mean that they are fit for relationships. I am not saying any of that. I'm saying that you have experienced someone whose self-loathing, pain, fear, and despair is unfathomable, and she will be this way FOREVER. Honestly? I pity my ex. I'm not going to be her tampon, her therapist, her friend, or anything else, but I pity her. I hope she gets help. I hope yours gets help. It may not seem like it sometimes, but these women are MISERABLE. They are broken, hurting, and lost in ways that you and I will never be. And the good news is that WE have the capacity to examine our wounds, move forward, and become stronger men with stronger boundaries and more to offer a healthy woman. But our exes? They will continue to drift in the black void they call their life.
The last two points have been disputed in this thread so I'm going to write another post with a different perspective.
Also -
Findog said:
"It brings back all the feelings I've been working on trying to process - the lack of closure, not understanding it, the hurt of losing her, feeling like I have struggled to enjoy my life fully while healing whereas she appears to have moved on to a carefree existence."
If you think that a woman with BPD can have a carefree existence, you do not understand this disorder.
As far as her forgetting you - BPDs do not grieve, they repress. Devaluation and splitting are their bread and butter. It's how they avoid asking themselves, "Why did I push a good man away?" She will revise history and find some way to make you unsuitable, find some reason why it would never have worked anyway, etc. It's like a psychological levee they build in order to keep out memories and feelings which will lead to pain, which will lead to introspection and accountability. They are obviously terrified of these things. This "levee" can consist of lies she tells herself about you, some new guy, her career, anything to distract her.
Weeks or months later, that levee will probably break. And when that happens, she will go through the pain she DIDN'T go through at the beginning. This is why you will read so much about them re-engaging, "hoovering", etc. They never really get over anyone. They just bury, bury, bury.
There is a very unhealthy idea (IMHO) on this forum that BPDs intentionally "victimize" and manipulate men only to leave them. Yet I think, as Die Hard said, it is naive to give them that much credit. BPDs have been called "evil", "vampires", etc., but in reality they are just very sick people whose brains simply don't process the world correctly. This means that they leave a trail of destruction, but it does not mean that they intended to.
This is due to both nature AND nurture. These people experience childhood trauma of some sort, and are stuck around 3 years old in their psychological development (nurture) Yet it has been shown that there are physical differences in a BPD's brain (nature).
Proponents of this idea will argue that BPDs are hyper-emotional and experience wild highs and lows, then turn around and say that these women feel nothing for their victims. This is contradictory. The problem is not LACK of emotion, it is dysregulation of emotion.
These men will also argue that borderline women are grand schemers and masterful manipulators who plot things weeks and months in advance... while in the same post conceding that BPDs have the emotional and psychological capacity of a 3 year old.
I don't know a whole lot of 3 year olds who are capable of grand, complex schemes. Yes, borderline women CAN be extremely intelligent (mine has maintained nearly flawless grades through 3+ years of med school), but their emotional intelligence is practically zero. Combine this with their inability to regulate emotion, their sheer impulsiveness, and I find it hard to believe that these women intentionally lay complex plans for the future.
As mine told me from the very beginning, "I'm not a planner. I hate plans." (One of the few things I believe her about now
BPDs are addicted to the longing for love. They will chase it, and re-live childhood abandonment over and over and over again. This is their subconscious drive. Consciously, however, they are desperately looking for "The One", that magical person who will cure their problems and fill the giant void they have in place of a true sense of self.
Someone like that recycles men not because they hate men; but because they are constantly realizing that the new guy is not providing that magic bullet, the wholeness they are seeking. The difference between a normal person and a BPD is that a BPD is capable of realizing, "This person is not going to make me whole," but they are too childlike to realize that "no other person is ever going to make me whole." The cycle repeats because they are incapable of connecting the dots and realizing that the problem is not the men in their cycle, the problem is the goal of the cycle.
In the beginning, they desperately want to love you. They want you to be "The One." And they think you are. And they are full of love for you (or what they interpret as love)!
Too many guys are listening to this "she never loved you" line, and it is both wrong and damaging. You are left with the impression that it was all a lie, and it wasn't. Was it real, healthy, reciprocal adult love? No... but it was not a cold, conscious manipulation. She wanted it just as much as you did. She wanted the pain to go away.
I am finally realizing what mine meant when she told me post-breakup, "I gave you my heart. What I felt for you was real. But I've given so many pieces of my heart away that I have nothing left to give." At the time it sounded like contradictory drivel; but during that very lucid period, she gave me a glimpse into her miserable life of pouring herself into guy after guy after guy, trying to find that "special" one that would fix everything from her childhood. And when she sensed that I wanted something from her, a real intimacy, she instinctively knew that she was not healthy enough to give it to me. She was not "on my level", with regard to emotional capacity. It's the same for all of them.
Remember, BPD is a personality disorder. It is not just some random neurotic behavior like biting your nails or having a fear of spiders. It is a pervasive infection of the psyche that makes these women view the world in an irrational and sometimes downright psychotic way. The way they act is terrible, hurtful, manipulative, and yes, we must avoid them at all costs. But that doesn't mean they are going around trying to victimize everyone.
Deep down, they are little children struggling with shame, self-hate, fear, confusion, rejection, and an overwhelming desire for love. Their motives are not nearly as sinister - or complex - as some would imagine.
The "hate your BPD ex because she is a psycho manipulative witch who never loved you" mindset does NOT lead to true healing. It leads to bitterness and a victim mentality. You are hers forever, whether you're in her world or not. And what's truly sick about it is that you are employing the same defense mechanisms to shield your psyche from the pain of losing her that she uses to defend from the pain of confronting herself: splitting and devaluation.
I think the proper attitude is to recognize that a) these women are severely disordered b) they really did love you (in their way) but the disorder will ALWAYS win c) they had/have good qualities that you can enjoy in a future woman d) the relationship was NOT all bad e) there WERE moments of sincerity and humanity in the relationship f) you will come out of this a stronger man.
MrAddiction
Senior Don Juan
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But that is the harzest part After having been involved with them. How can you resist the hoovering and stay NC if you have empathy/pity for them. Especially if most of the time it was empathy that drove men towards them?
Fcuking dilemma.
[
To give an example of my ex. Her ex husband is a dysregulated low narcissist. She's been with this guy for 18 years and knows what buttons to push to get the usual threats. Whenever his dysregulation would affect our relationship or their kids. She would discuss with me how best to 'punish him' in the future days after the fact. Using the silent treatment on him regarding the kids was her favorite weapon. If he acted up she would tell me how she would use the threat of seeking child support on the third child to get him in line. There were many techniques she would share with me, she could use against him.
She would also triangulate in the very beginning, pushing his buttons to the point he would become threatening. Abuser becoming the victim, and the victim becoming the abuser, while using me as rescuer.
That is not reactive behavior
That's not even mentioning the coercive manipulation she used against me to get her goals met. When she wasn't getting anywhere with me moving in with her (i told her I wanted to wait a year before canceling my lease) she would suddenly punish me, telling me we couldn't spend as much time together because of her social benefits of being a single parent on that address (there are rules about how much time a partner can spend with somebody without financial consequences if she's the only one listed on the address) Something that was not a problem previously. She used many more tricks in the bag but I stuck to my guns
My experience speaks against this description. BPD's may very well be reactive but when factoring in narcissism as co-morbidity which is more often the case, you can and will see premeditated action as well as manipulation.There is a very unhealthy idea (IMHO) on this forum that BPDs intentionally "victimize" and manipulate men only to leave them. Yet I think, as Die Hard said, it is naive to give them that much credit. BPDs have been called "evil", "vampires", etc., but in reality they are just very sick people whose brains simply don't process the world correctly. This means that they leave a trail of destruction, but it does not mean that they intended to.
These men will also argue that borderline women are grand schemers and masterful manipulators who plot things weeks and months in advance... while in the same post conceding that BPDs have the emotional and psychological capacity of a 3 year old.
I don't know a whole lot of 3 year olds who are capable of grand, complex schemes. Yes, borderline women CAN be extremely intelligent (mine has maintained nearly flawless grades through 3+ years of med school), but their emotional intelligence is practically zero. Combine this with their inability to regulate emotion, their sheer impulsiveness, and I find it hard to believe that these women intentionally lay complex plans for the future.
As mine told me from the very beginning, "I'm not a planner. I hate plans." (One of the few things I believe her about now
To give an example of my ex. Her ex husband is a dysregulated low narcissist. She's been with this guy for 18 years and knows what buttons to push to get the usual threats. Whenever his dysregulation would affect our relationship or their kids. She would discuss with me how best to 'punish him' in the future days after the fact. Using the silent treatment on him regarding the kids was her favorite weapon. If he acted up she would tell me how she would use the threat of seeking child support on the third child to get him in line. There were many techniques she would share with me, she could use against him.
She would also triangulate in the very beginning, pushing his buttons to the point he would become threatening. Abuser becoming the victim, and the victim becoming the abuser, while using me as rescuer.
That is not reactive behavior
That's not even mentioning the coercive manipulation she used against me to get her goals met. When she wasn't getting anywhere with me moving in with her (i told her I wanted to wait a year before canceling my lease) she would suddenly punish me, telling me we couldn't spend as much time together because of her social benefits of being a single parent on that address (there are rules about how much time a partner can spend with somebody without financial consequences if she's the only one listed on the address) Something that was not a problem previously. She used many more tricks in the bag but I stuck to my guns
Last edited:
Wow you hit it on the head.
That's it. Why I kept going back.
Even today i want to go back even knowing how unfair and abusive it will be half the time. I literally have to talk myself out of this daily. Its been about a month.
MrAddiction
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Yes. The First thing that pops to mind are the good things and then you have to actively remind yourself of the bad stuff they have done and are capable of.
That is cognitive disonnance in action, if I get it right. Sad but true.
There are days I miss my ex, I think about her, she pops up in my dreams, when I get this way I have to remember she will never change, I also remember how vicious she is. I treated her like a princess I was always there for her, gave her support when she needed it, she didn't remember any of that when she started knifing me in the back wanting to see me pay for what I done. All we've been through and you literally want to kill me, wow you are really F'ed in the head. If her parents didn't screw up her life she would be the perfect girlfriend, she claimed her family disowned her. The best thing for her is walk away from her and never turn back, I usually don't give up on people.......
MrAddiction
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Just happened this morning. Feels absolutely fcuked to Start in to a day this way. Feels like missing her. Strange thing is that this feelings have become stronger the Last weeks. i had times when Did not miss her at all.
btownbuck2012
Master Don Juan
I'm the same way, which is why we got dragged down as far as we did with these women.
Mornings are usually the hardest because we are more lucid and clear headed. We haven't started our daily routines yet or filled our heads with distractions. I sometimes think our minds work against us fighting back at letting go once we make some progress.
We fell in love with the role we were cast in their lives because in the end it made us feel like better people. Somebody actually needing you, giving you the feeling they can't survive without becomes an overwhelming feeling of love you just can't let go of. Watching them on the sidelines not only surviving without us but seem happy after the fact. Just completely invalidates all the feelings they brought out in us. That's a hard one to swallow.
That resonates with me. I remember my ex having many obstacles she was dealing with (her ex, court, fake cps allegations,her kid being very bad) and asking me if i was going to walk and i said many times i dont bail on people in need.
I see looking back as a brother of 3 sisters, star athlete in all sports, my family went thro a rough time for years and my positivity and achievements carried the family in a positive light especially my dad.
I guess now im built like that in time of need i take over and carry everyone in many ways.
Got no appreciation for it this time tho.
Instead the cvnt gave less over time and expected more and more from me. Like "he'll do it he takes care of everyone and everything"
Sucks
Yes it's as if my mind has turned against me this week. The thoughts that I will not get to enjoy her family, her and the many fun and positive times we had has been wearing on me. You think you will uave an entire life with someone, finally you found someone and back to the drawing board once again. Another failure.
Thanks for quoting 49au MrAddiction.
49au´s posts on the topic helped me alot to understand my Ex and BPD in general when I came to this forum in order to find answers and to heal from my experience last year.
Another member with some more compassion and empathy towards BPD-sufferers is @AlexDP
This thread has also some helpful and salutary insights from 'the other side':
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/thread...pd-please-help-if-you-have-experience.185333/
As it´s obvious by the progression with the last pages of this thread here it seems that some of the posters/ members here just can´t seem to let go. I.m.o. that is the whole secret, letting go and forgivingness.
But some of you guys just can´t do it, which is somehow sad, it seems you cannot see the wood for the trees.
You don´t realise that all that resentment, grief, hate, anger, bitterness is working against you, you´re intoxicating yourself with that.
Sure, you got hurt deeply, but by ranting and complainig about your exes over and over again you keep the beast alive, but the beast ain´t her.
There is a nice saying by Jack Kornfield:
'People hurt other people only because of their own (inner) pain, fear, anger and confusion.'
I.m.o. that´s so fvcking true, at least it helped me so much to let go and to forgive. Imagine the inner pain of someone with BPD.
What you´ve felt during or rather after your relationship with your BPD-Ex is only a fraction of the inner pain they must endure day to day projected into you.
Not saying your ex was not mean or evil or whatever...A good friend of mine says at least 50% of the world´s population are azzholes.
They could be men, they could be women, black or white or green or blue, they could have a personallity disorder or NOT. Just azzholes, it´s your choice. I´m a 8=O
Whatever. I can only recommand to meditate in order to practise letting go and forgivingness.
Good points.
But some of these bpds are so damaged they don't care how truly horrible they are to you and that's rough.
They are so selfish And damaged it doesn't dawn on them to even think about how their actions and words hurt people.
MrAddiction
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I think the Point why it is hard to let go are not the bad actions or words but the good things you remember. And your Brain/emotions tricks you, and you always miss the good emotions and you have to actively remind you of the Bad things. It is a permanent struggle between heart and brain.
This is exactly what i am dealing with now.
I wonder what she is thinking?
I was the positive in the relationship and she was the trouble maker tho she thought opposite.
I'm curious if she is suffering or doesnt care and out on dates?
**** she suffered when things were good.
MrAddiction
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That is the wrong mindset.
You must come to a place where your mindset is: "she is not my problem any more"
stovepipe
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I was the same, the glue that held the relationship together.
She doesn't care about you or the situation. Lets be real here, if she did, you would have heard from her within a day or two. In her mind, she is punishing you for not giving in to her BS. Even if she makes contact with you its all fake. She will love bomb you back in, then return to her evil self within days or weeks. Or contact you as if nothing happened with you thinking to yourself "wtf she can't be serious".
MrAddiction
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It is exactly that. But After knowing all this stuff about BPD and NPD i was not like what the fcuk- it was more like, ok exactly what I expected. Regarding her After the breakup and till today I feel more like a fortuneteller who knows exactly what will happen. Feels even more weird.
