I found that in another Thread but think it is worth to repost in here.
The whole thread is a good read.
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/help-possible-cluster-b-feeling-totally-lost.183173/page-8
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49au
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Secondly, forgive her. It is not anyone's fault that they have BPD. That does not mean that her actions are appropriate, healthy, or should be condoned. It also does not mean that they are fit for relationships. I am not saying any of that. I'm saying that you have experienced someone whose self-loathing, pain, fear, and despair is unfathomable, and she will be this way FOREVER. Honestly? I pity my ex. I'm not going to be her tampon, her therapist, her friend, or anything else, but I pity her. I hope she gets help. I hope yours gets help. It may not seem like it sometimes, but these women are MISERABLE. They are broken, hurting, and lost in ways that you and I will never be. And the good news is that WE have the capacity to examine our wounds, move forward, and become stronger men with stronger boundaries and more to offer a healthy woman. But our exes? They will continue to drift in the black void they call their life.
The last two points have been disputed in this thread so I'm going to write another post with a different perspective.
Also -
Findog said:
"It brings back all the feelings I've been working on trying to process - the lack of closure, not understanding it, the hurt of losing her, feeling like I have struggled to enjoy my life fully while healing whereas she appears to have moved on to a carefree existence."
If you think that a woman with BPD can have a carefree existence, you do not understand this disorder.
As far as her forgetting you - BPDs do not grieve, they repress. Devaluation and splitting are their bread and butter. It's how they avoid asking themselves, "Why did I push a good man away?" She will revise history and find some way to make you unsuitable, find some reason why it would never have worked anyway, etc. It's like a psychological levee they build in order to keep out memories and feelings which will lead to pain, which will lead to introspection and accountability. They are obviously terrified of these things. This "levee" can consist of lies she tells herself about you, some new guy, her career, anything to distract her.
Weeks or months later, that levee will probably break. And when that happens, she will go through the pain she DIDN'T go through at the beginning. This is why you will read so much about them re-engaging, "hoovering", etc. They never really get over anyone. They just bury, bury, bury.
There is a very unhealthy idea (IMHO) on this forum that BPDs intentionally "victimize" and manipulate men only to leave them. Yet I think, as Die Hard said, it is naive to give them that much credit. BPDs have been called "evil", "vampires", etc., but in reality they are just very sick people whose brains simply don't process the world correctly. This means that they leave a trail of destruction, but it does not mean that they
intended to.
This is due to both nature AND nurture. These people experience childhood trauma of some sort, and are stuck around 3 years old in their psychological development (nurture) Yet it has been shown that there are physical differences in a BPD's brain (nature).
Proponents of this idea will argue that BPDs are hyper-emotional and experience wild highs and lows, then turn around and say that these women feel nothing for their victims. This is contradictory.
The problem is not LACK of emotion, it is dysregulation of emotion.
These men will also argue that borderline women are grand schemers and masterful manipulators who plot things weeks and months in advance...
while in the same post conceding that BPDs have the emotional and psychological capacity of a 3 year old.
I don't know a whole lot of 3 year olds who are capable of grand, complex schemes. Yes, borderline women CAN be extremely intelligent (mine has maintained nearly flawless grades through 3+ years of med school), but their
emotional intelligence is practically zero. Combine this with their inability to regulate emotion, their sheer impulsiveness, and I find it hard to believe that these women intentionally lay complex plans for the future.
As mine told me from the very beginning, "I'm not a planner. I hate plans." (One of the few things I believe her about now
)
BPDs are addicted to the longing for love. They will chase it, and re-live childhood abandonment over and over and over again. This is their subconscious drive. Consciously, however, they are desperately looking for "The One", that magical person who will cure their problems and fill the giant void they have in place of a true sense of self.
Someone like that recycles men not because they hate men; but because they are constantly realizing that the new guy is not providing that magic bullet, the wholeness they are seeking. The difference between a normal person and a BPD is that a BPD is capable of realizing, "This person is not going to make me whole," but they are too childlike to realize that "no other person is
ever going to make me whole." The cycle repeats because they are incapable of connecting the dots and realizing that the problem is not the men in their cycle, the problem is the
goal of the cycle.
In the beginning, they desperately want to love you. They want you to be "The One." And they think you are. And they are full of love for you (or what they interpret as love)!
Too many guys are listening to this "she never loved you" line, and it is both wrong and damaging.
You are left with the impression that it was all a lie, and it wasn't. Was it real, healthy, reciprocal adult love? No... but it was not a cold, conscious manipulation.
She wanted it just as much as you did. She wanted the pain to go away.
I am finally realizing what mine meant when she told me post-breakup, "I gave you my heart. What I felt for you was real. But I've given so many pieces of my heart away that I have nothing left to give." At the time it sounded like contradictory drivel; but during that very lucid period, she gave me a glimpse into her miserable life of pouring herself into guy after guy after guy, trying to find that "special" one that would fix everything from her childhood. And when she sensed that I wanted something from her, a real intimacy, she instinctively knew that she was not healthy enough to give it to me. She was not "on my level", with regard to emotional capacity. It's the same for all of them.
Remember, BPD is a personality disorder. It is not just some random neurotic behavior like biting your nails or having a fear of spiders. It is a pervasive infection of the psyche that makes these women view the world in an irrational and sometimes downright psychotic way. The way they act is terrible, hurtful, manipulative, and yes, we must avoid them at all costs. But that doesn't mean they are going around trying to victimize everyone.
Deep down, they are little children struggling with shame, self-hate, fear, confusion, rejection, and an overwhelming desire for love. Their motives are not nearly as sinister - or complex - as some would imagine.
The "hate your BPD ex because she is a psycho manipulative witch who never loved you" mindset does NOT lead to true healing. It leads to bitterness and a victim mentality. You are hers forever, whether you're in her world or not. And what's truly sick about it is that
you are employing the same defense mechanisms to shield your psyche from the pain of losing her that she uses to defend from the pain of confronting herself: splitting and devaluation.
I think the proper attitude is to recognize that a) these women are severely disordered b) they really did love you (in their way) but the disorder will ALWAYS win c) they had/have good qualities that you can enjoy in a future woman d) the relationship was NOT all bad e) there WERE moments of sincerity and humanity in the relationship f) you will come out of this a stronger man.