Am I boring?

[MikeYikes122]

I might be a little late on the reply here, but I thought I'd weigh in since I was part of this thread originally. I usually don't even kino. I wait for the girl to do it and it happens nine times out of 10 if the girl is attracted. From that point on, I'll probably reciprocate. Honestly, this is kind of a tough question for me to answer because I'm not even really self-aware of things like this. If a girl touches me or rubs my arm, I'll just kind of go into autopilot.

That said, I think you should worry less about kino and more about some of the other intricacies of building attraction. I'm kind of interested in what you guys talked about at dinner and during the time you spent together. I think that would give a lot of us on here a good idea of went wrong. I've got a good feeling that kino was last on your list of problems.

With the online dating stuff, when you exchange e-mails with these women make sure you're not responding instantly to them. Give it a day or so before you respond to an e-mail from one of them. I've never done online dating, but among the college crowd Facebook (MySpace for college kids) is huge. Whenever I'm exchanging messages or wall posts with a girl I'm interested in I never respond immediately unless there is some sort of urgency in what we're talking about. Sometimes I'll wait 24 hours or even more. One of the women you were exchanging e-mails with kind of did this to you.

It's not a huge deal, but it's pretty important I think for you to do be doing this when exchanging e-mails in this dating service.

 

[MikeYikes122]

Also, Steve I get the sense that you're hanging your head a little bit. I understand where you're coming from when you say you wish you were wealthy and famous so this all would be easy for you, but you really need to try to abandon that mindset.

Attracting women is a conundrum (that's my favorite word.) The learning curve is very steep, but once you turn the corner on it the mechanics of it all becomes almost instinctual. For example, when you asked about kino I barely had an answer for you because I really don't even think about that anymore. It just kind of happens automatically for me I guess.

I think what you have to understand is, social abilities are like physical abilities in that both can be learned.

I run a lot and ran competitively in college and high school. Through the years many friends and family members have tried to lampoon fitness efforts by running with me, only to quit about a month and a half into it because they decide they are "just not built for running". What they don't realize is, probably only about 5 percent of the population has the proper genetics for distance running, and the remaining people have to become runners the hard way: by training, lifting and eating right. Eventually their legs and lungs will get strong enough and their metabolism will speed up to the point that they run like a natural. Hence the reason why more than 5 percent of our population runs.

Attracting women is the same. Only about 10 percent of the male population is naturally blessed with the personality traits to do it, and the rest either remain pathetic and hopeless or they find Web sites like SoSuave or the Mystery Method to teach them the steps to success. Like with learning how to run, you can't just give up a month and a half into learning this DJ stuff and decide you haven't been blessed with the natural gifts to attract women (wealth, looks, etc.). If you stick with it, eventually you'll start operating like a natural. A couple of the posters on here are examples of this (Rollo Tomassi, STR8UP, etc.)

Arnold Schwarzenegger has always said that he rose to prominence in the body building world because he was willing to continue working out past the point where he felt like he had to puke. He says that kind of an attitude is what separates the true body builders from guys who just workout a lot. His mantra applies to finding success in many other facets of life as well. A willingness to stick to a running schedule through shin splints and leg pains are what separates the runners from people who try to run. A willingness to persevere through awkward dates and painful rejections are what separates the DJs from all the keyboard jockeys on the Internet.

I also think you should be careful who you take your advice from. I usually only listen to a handful of posters on here. With the rest I just kind of take the good with the bad. Usually if someone posts a three-paragraph response that criticizes you but doesn't offer any advice you don't want to waste your time with them. You've already had way too long of an exchange with one of this board's worst posters.

Hope that helps you keep your head up.

 

[StevenR]

I'm kind of interested in what you guys talked about at dinner and during the time you spent together. I think that would give a lot of us on here a good idea of went wrong. I've got a good feeling that kino was last on your list of problems.

Asked her questions about stuff in her life, travel, discussed adventures we have had in our lives, that kind of thing. The other thing I forgot to mention that puzzled me is that at the end of the date she actually said "we should keep in touch". Now why would a woman say something like "we should keep in touch" or "we should do this again sometime" if they don't mean what they said. I can understand them not wanted to say they are not interested in seeing you again, but it does not seem necessary to say you want to when you don't, a polite goodbye, I had fun, etc. would have sufficed.

I don't know why women put me in the category of "low status male". Personally I think they are massively wrong about that judgment they made way back in high school/college, and recently, when they labeled and categorized me as such. I feel I am more intelligent and interesting, have more hobbies, more artistic, have done more interesting things, then the average guy out there. I don't get it.

 

[ketostix]

I don't know why women put me in the category of "low status male". Personally I think they are massively wrong about that judgment they made way back in high school/college, and recently, when they labeled and categorized me as such. I feel I am more intelligent and interesting, have more hobbies, more artistic, have done more interesting things, then the average guy out there. I don't get it.

To be perfectly honest, women are stupid and have poor judgement and poor taste in men. You just have to accept women are this way and learn ways to get them to respond and give you what you want.

 

[AgonyUncle]

Women don't care about the weather. they don't care about the news. they don't care about what you did last thursday.

Women are about "stimulation".

How is that any different to treating them like children? Its not, but its probably the best piece of advice I have seen here

 

[StevenR]

To be perfectly honest, women are stupid and have poor judgement and poor taste in men. You just have to accept women are this way and learn ways to get them to respond and give you what you want.

ROFL that isn't exactly an answer I expected to hear, but then again, this isn't a feminist dominated board like most of the other dating ones are.

As far as what women want to talk about, okay they don't want to talk about the weather and shvt, neither do I really. Problem is that I cannot seem to figure out what they DO want to talk about. You guys make it sound like I should just go out and learn a bunch of magic tricks or something to perform for them when I meet them. If I had to entertain a child I would probably do something along those lines. Seriously, I am pretty negative about women right now, and there is some stress at work and stuff that doesn't help much either.

 

[iqqi]

The gift of gab.

That is what you need to learn, not magic tricks.

 

[StevenR]

whatever that means. I always thought I was an okay conversationalist once i get going, and an interesting person to talk to. I have even read Dale Carnagie's "How to win friends and influence people" and try to apply that in conversation if I want someone to like me. I also try to tell stories about interesting life experiences and get her to do the same if the occasion presents itself.

As far as sense of humor, sometimes I have it sometimes I don't, it just depends on how I am feeling. When I am depressed and stressed, like I have been quite a bit lately, it is more difficult and forced to have a sense of humor and be fun, when I am already in a great mood it comes more naturally. I think it has been a few years though. So what exactly then is "charm" or "the gift of gab?" those are very ambiguous terms there.

 

[iqqi]

A bore is someone who talks about themselves, a gossip is someone who talks about others, and a conversationalist is someone who talks to you about YOU. See the difference? You talking about your life experiences might be boring.

 

[#41]

A bore is someone who talks about themselves, a gossip is someone who talks about others, and a conversationalist is someone who talks to you about YOU. See the difference? You talking about your life experiences might be boring.

I think that's a little bit of an oversimplification.

A good conversationalist is well practiced at the art of making feel comfortable and directing the conversation to topics that provoke stimulating exchange of ideas. Life experiences are very important for that -- they help the speaker relate to ideas.

Nobody wants to hear you spend 20 minutes describing your trip to New York, but it can be a way of relating to someone's interests and opening up new avenues of conversation.

Context is everything.

And, for that matter, women are very much the same as men -- if there's a real attraction, people will listen to the most boring stuff and act like they're hearing Shakespeare performed at the Globe.

 

[StevenR]

okay,I am going to get off this forum starting tomorrow and try to meet more people in real life and apply the DJ Bible stuff. I am starting to spend way too much time on here for my own good I think. Reading all these posts becomes addictive. I am not going to post again until I have some real success, or at least some real experiences to report so I am not on here just whining about stuff like some other people whose posts I have read who do nothing here but whine abut their lack of success.

 

[STR8UP]

You know, I was just reading back over my post where I said "Women don't care about the weather" and I realized that last week I had a conversation with a woman on the phone about just that.

When I hung up I said to myself, "WTF where you thinking?" I guess I wasn't doing a good enough job of trying to find another topic to run with, but we ended up talking about how she's "cold" all the time, even when it isn't very cold out, and how the cold in FL gets into your bones, blah, blah.

I'm surprised she's even talking to me anymore. I gotta remember to be conscious of falling into this trap (sometimes THEY initiate boring convo....she did), and when it starts to happen I need to snap it into SOMETHING else. ANYTHING else.

This is one of the quickest ways to get a woman disinterested. Unfortunately you kind of DO have to lead the convo and entertain. If things don't flow naturally you have to actively move it in that direction.

 

[guru1000]

STeve , you have the wrong FRAME. You are concerned about what to say on a date. Why? She should be the one concerned, not you.

You don't need to think. Let her do the talking. Let silence happen! IT's OK. It shows CONFIDENCE.

Let her speak , and carry the conversation from there. If she doesn't speak, while there is silence, look her in the eyes and say nothing.

Stop Trying. Be desireless!

 

[#41]

Let her speak , and carry the conversation from there. If she doesn't speak, while there is silence, look her in the eyes and say nothing.

Great way to be "Creepy First Date Guy."

Nobody thinks that shows confidence -- it just shows lack of imagination and poor conversation skills.

 

[guru1000]

You missed the point!

#41 That is because you lack poise and confidence so you give the wrong VIBE to the girl. I can sit back,relaxed , and respond only to her conversation the whole date and then take her back to my place.

What is the difference between us?

Confidence.

With Confidence, you can do anything.

I as well can call a girl the next day and see her 7 days in a row after that. Isn't that anti-DJ?

Don't say I am better looking because I can do that with 9's and 10's. Try it with a 5.

Confidence! No strategy involved. Do what ever you want!

 

[ketostix]

Great way to be "Creepy First Date Guy."

Nobody thinks that shows confidence -- it just shows lack of imagination and poor conversation skills.

That is true especially if you don't have attraction, value and comfort. If you have those things then not feeling in when she's silent can be very effective. It all has to do with your appearance and nonverbals too. If you look a girl in the eye and say nothing, how you look at her and your nonverbals are going to be the deciding factor whether it's "creepy" or powerful. My suggestion would be if youre going to respond with silence to her silence is to focus your attention away from her and on something else and not stare her in the eyes.

 

[d9930380]

Actually looking someone in the eyes actually is proven to increase your attractiveness 8 times. It was a scientific survey.

The problem is that you're nervous because then she'll be nervous and there's nothing worse than being on a date where you just feel nervous. Don't think about succeeding or failing, just relax and then you'll be that person that you are when you're writing on a keyboard.

Also don't look someone in the eye or smile or do any of that unless it feels natural to do it - if it's forced then it's creepy.