27 and nothing

[Robbie]

we're not even at a point where any of our suggestions will be useful until Chancer receives some sort of a physical intervention for his depression.

There are ways to lessen the severity of a depression through changing your diet and beginning to incorporate exercise into your daily routine.

These things won't solve your problems but they'll make you a little less miserable, to the point where some of this stuff may begin to sink in.

peace

 

[chancer357]

I can't help but think why I had to end up like this. There was a time when I not depressed. Why couldn't someone have given me some kind of posative interaction then. My whole life could have been better.

 

[CraigMack]

Originally posted by chancer357
I can't help but think why I had to end up like this. There was a time when I not depressed. Why couldn't someone have given me some kind of posative interaction then. My whole life could have been better.

What! You dare blame others for your life being this way. Nobody has to give you anything in life. You have to go out there and create what you want.

Your life is this way cause you created it this way. Not anyone else but you. Don't blame your parents, your teachers, your family, your friends. Your a grown assed man in full control of his own destiny and life.

And, while your at it go get a got dam hooker and take care of this issue once and for all.

 

[chancer357]

External influences certainly have an impact on how someone develops.

 

[777boy]

Chancer357,

I dont have much to say but for one i cant figure you out !!

You have been here for a year n havent even tried anything anyone has told you out....

The amount of info and advice people have put up in your thread is unbelieveable.

It a whole mini Dj bible......

You posted looking for help n yet you do NOTHING......!

Look just go out and talk to any girl as someone posted....

If it makes it easier go somewhere you are not known and find any girl whom
you are slightly attracted to and say hello....

Trust me girls dont bite as i found out myself only recently...n you may get her no. n if not, SO WHAT let her walk off !!

Anyways, you think the whole world dislikes you so whats the BIG DEAL if one more girl is
added to that list of Chancer Dislikers.....

Just try......ok

 

[Ebach]

Everything stems from inexperience. You don't have any experience in social interaction so you are scared ****less. You have to GET some experience in order to proceed. Same way with jobs (even though it's paradoxical). Companies want you experienced but aren't willing to give you a chance at start up. So what are your choices? You are the only one that can answer that.

Same way, you're the only one that can answer what's the point of living (and trust me, money, fame, and power isn't one of them). Usually, the things people do as hobbies are their reason for living. There isn't a universal reason but whatever you make of your existence and the only way to get creative is to see what's out there.

 

[Alpine]

Chancer,

If I was a professional hit man, I'd do you for free. Call it a mercy killing.

I wonder how many other guys out there have been in your position. They've read all the stuff, they know enough to have more success than most, yet they don't.

All that potential, yet no better than being ignorant, in some ways worse because you have the awareness to know want you really should do yet feel totally powerless and frozen.

How many guys were like this for ages, yet for some reason, one day they took a step that led to a road action and accomplishment. What was the moment in time when a thought process or a chance event led to something just clicking.

I guess sometimes it's a point where you actually feel some hope coupled with a feeling that the actual pain of doing nothing is worse than the thing you are putting off.

I surely wish I knew where you lived. I'd come round and give you a dry slap. And you'd thank me for it. For now you'll just have to rely on your own brain deciding to do something about it.

 

[chancer357]

How is scuba diving going to help?

 

[DJDamage]

Scuba diving is going to make you more intresting when a chick asks you so what do you do for fun?! and usually I bet you tell her " well I like going out to clubs, movies" which equals boring because everyone does that, you need to stand out. Now you tell her that you are different, you have an intresting life, you are taking martial arts and scuba diving, this will intrigue her. Now you can have a better conversation because you can mention places in the world where you want to scuba dive and what fun guy you are for doing that and dangerous as well because you take martial arts and kick ass and you can protect her and of coarse she is a chick and she loves travel, excitment and danger so right there you have alot in common!!!

You do this because it will feel good to have a hobby, you are more intresting, you have something to talk about and have something in common with a chick without trying to impress her, now are you getting it??????

 

[chancer357]

I'm too embarassed to even talk to them. I feel any attention from me is unwanted. They never act the least bit interested. So until that changes

 

[Robbie]

Who cares if it changes? It may never change so why let the rest of your life be uneventful?

If you took those three suggestions, you would need a lot of cash and a lot of balls, but I'm sure you would see some changes.

It doesn't have to be that extreme.

Distractions are good, especially when they make your heart race and expose you to some element of danger. In the face of big problems, smaller problems are a lot easier to handle.

 

[Robbie]

I'm not saying your problems are small. I'm saying if a shark was about to eat you or somebody was trying to throw a punch at you, you might discover a state where the whole women thing doesn't matter as much.

 

[chancer357]

Originally posted by Robbie
Who cares if it changes? It may never change so why let the rest of your life be uneventful?

Because for me, this is what needs to change. I've done other stuff but the lack of any kind of real interaction or relationship with another person is killing me.

 

[TheDigital]

yo

Hey man

Nobody here can pretend to know what its like to be in your shoes. Nobody knows what its like. Everyones got their own perceptions....perception is reality. My reality is mine and yours is yours. With that said, I can tell you that people out there would cut off their right arm to have your life. You may scoff at this....but think about the person on their deathbed dying from a fatal disease....how they would trade positions with you. You might feel like trading them sometimes...because you have no hope. A disease is final....the thing about your position is....there IS hope. Whether you see it or not.

I know this sounds catch 22- How you can find hope if you cant see it? Go in your room, blindly throw a dime on the floor in your room and turn out all the lights. How do you find it?

You feel around in the dark. It may take a long time....you may find yourself discouraged....search long enough without finding it and you will start to believe it doesnt exist.

But the fact remains...the dime IS there. Its waiting for you to find it. And it will sit there in that same spot until you do.

The dime is your hope. Search long and hard....just dont forget that is exists. Because it does....whether you see it or not. Everyone else knows that dime is there and they want you to find it. You believe in your mind that the dime doesnt exist.....the only thing i can say is....KEEP LOOKING ANYWAY. Be hardheaded....be stubborn. Don't stop until you get what you want. What is this hope im talking about? The ability to tell yourself that you deserve to be happy. When you find this little nugget....your issues will resolve themself. When you realize YOU, chancer, have a right as much as anyone to be happy, you'll do things that make YOU happy. When you realize you deserve to be happy, you will want to be happy. When you want it, you'll do it. And you wont be scared...because happiness will mean more than anything. Once you get a taste of it, it willl fuel itself.

I've read the stuff you wrote. I know you say you cant get better because you cant start anything because of the way you feel. Any you can feel better because of the you cant start anything.

And you just keep looping around....day after day....morning...noon...night....rinse...wash ...repeat.

You'll keep going around until you stop yourself. You'll stop yourself when you realizer chancer has the right to be happy, to find the dime. It's at this point you'll take your first step. People talk about things to do to make you happier, i dont think thats it....i think it stems from you realizing that you have the potential to be happy. If you realize that......you seize hope.....get a small taste of happiness and go from there.

Good luck!

 

[Jon E]

What socially anxious people do not need is years and years of therapy or counseling. You can't be "counseled" out of social phobia. In fact, socially anxious people who are taught to "analyze" and "ruminate" over their problems usually make their social anxiety and fears much worse, which in turn leads to depression, which just reinforces the fact that "I will never get better". (Shudder...this statement does NOT have to be true.)

THERE IS A BETTER LIFE FOR ALL PEOPLE WITH SOCIAL ANXIETY. Without treatment, social anxiety is a torturous and horrible emotional problem; with treatment, its bark is worse than its bite. Add to this that current research is clear that cognitive-behavioral therapy is highly successful in the treatment of social anxiety. In fact, the people who are unsuccessful are the ones who are not persistent in their practice and who won't stick with simple methods and techniques at home. They are the ones who give up.

If a person is motivated to end the years and years of crippling anxiety, then cognitive-behavioral treatment provides the methods, techniques, and strategies that come together to lessen the anxiety and make the world a much more enjoyable place.

Many of us have been through the crippling fears and constant anxiety that social phobia produces -- and have come out healthier and happier on the other side. You can too.

---Thomas A. Richards, Ph.D.
Psychologist

From here: http://www.socialphobia.org/whatis.html#whatis1

 

[chancer357]

I've looked at that. Its very hard to find someone to help who knows about social anxiety. My therapist just says stuff like well you're just shy, you have to just do things that make you uncomfortable. Its just not that easy, I don't think he really understands my problem.

 

[chancer357]

One of things that some of the books and stuff I've read about shyness and social anxiety and things are to try to go on a bunch of dates. Use online stuff, that sort of thing. But thats really alot of the problem. I had tried online stuff before and I couldn't get any answers.

I've only been able to do some of the steps like where you keep a journal of your thoughts and things. But when it comes to finding things to do, or finding a group or trying to do online dating I just hit a wall. I don't really have anything that great to put in a profile, and my picturee is not that good. I've been too embarassed to try to get another one taken. My last one is like two years old.

What the hell is this icon guy supposed to be doing? :woo: Its looks like its driving on a bumpy road or something with no steering wheel.

 

[chancer357]

This is long, but it should be easy to read.

The books I've read pretty much explain how things like chronic lonliness (which is apparently an actual condition), generalized anxiety, clinical depression and eating disorders all work in viscous cycles and feed off of one another. These books all pretty much recommend trying to date people, but they give hardly any information about it.

Try online dating or personal ads. Its a way to start for great for people who suffer from social phobias.

is pretty much the only advice they offer. I've gotten about a half dozen books about social phobias. I've read them all and they are all pretty similar. Some writting styles are a little different but thats about it. They site the same research and the authors seem to collaborate in thier writing and professional work from time to time since its not a big area of study right now - so thats not too suprizing.

Since there wasn't alot of information there I read dating books for shy people and they mainly just contain information about what to do once you are on a date. Its at that point most people panic or freeze up or whatever. So its things like breathing techniques, reading body language, etc. They all have the same type of advice in them. Even dating books for non-shy people basically have the same sort of thing in them. I've gotten about a half dozen books about shy people and dating, or just plain dating that I've read. I've also read three or four books that are related self-help books. For example, What to say when you talk to yourself.

I've read posts, both here and other places, about people meeting on things like friendster and myspace. How is that done? What do you do? Just email a total stranger? I don't know what I would say. Somehow people meet in chatrooms? I don't get that either, because all the chatrooms I've looked in seem to be filled with pornbots and pedophiles.

I have seen the things people posted on this site about conversations they had with people they met online. I might be able to do something like that, or at least try. Its easier since its not in person - but I could not get anyone to talk to me. The last time I tried online dating I used date.com, match.com and lavalife.com and spent money on all of them. I tried to send people messages; I'd read a profile and say something about whatever they had written there. It wasn't as if I cut and paste the same message over and over or anything. I read what the person had to say, I thought about it and tried to come up with two or three sentances about it and I couldn't get an answer. I was just trying to get a conversation going.

I looked at what I had in profile and I looked at guys profiles who were in the same age range in the same area. It seems to me I had something not unlike the rest of them did. I can only assume it was my picture.

Is there anyway to make the online dating thing work? How do people do it that don't read all this stuff. I'm extremely uncomfortable trying to do anything ****y and funny, thats just not me and I don't want to act like that. I'm not like that. Its hard enough to just be there.

I have like no standards. The only thing I could even think of is that the person would have to not be super heavy. And it has nothing to do with them - I'm anorexic and that would just make everything too hard for me to cope with.

I know I have alot of problems. But even the people who are in my support groups all have relationships. They have similar problems and they still were able to do it. I just find it extremely frustrating that I can't do it when even people who share my difficulties can.

I realize a relationship or some kind of contact with other humans is not a cure and that it won't make everything OK. Even if those relationships weren't perfect, in almost every case they helped alot of the people through thier problems. I really think if I had something like that it would help me too.

One of the other big suggestions is to join some kind of group:

I'm not athletic, so I haven't tried sports. There are alot of really competitve people that play in the intermural leagues here. I barely even know the rules to sports games - I don't want to be the guy that sucks that everyone is pissed at. When I was a kid I played in different little league stuff and thats how it was. I wanted to try to play something in high school but it was even worse there.

I went to a book crossing event, but that was mostly older people that I really don't have anything in common with. And I'm really not interested in getting to know them either.

I went to a place where they had a singles group meeting for dinner and sort of spied on it. I just sat at a booth nearby the waitress podium and listened to the people coming in. The people who attended that group were all like 10 years older at least. I would be very out of place there. (BTW, going to a restraunt and ording something like I did is very stressful thing for someone with an eating disorder so it was not as easy as you may imagine)

I visited a book store where a book group was meeting and it was older women in thier 50s and 60s so I didn't join that group. I wasn't real interested in the books they had on thier list that I hadn't read; and the others I had read already.
Some people say you should try to just talk to these people to be comfortable talking to people.
I just don't care about people this much older than me. I just don't right now.

Museums are filled with field trips during the day, and during after school times it parents with thier kids. I went to both of the museums here.

Singles parties things I can't handle and I suspect that its an older crowd anyway.

Speed dating things I don't think I could handle either, but I looked at the past events and attendees photos and it was an older crowd.

I belong to a gym and I go sometimes, but I never meet people there. Trying to talk to people at stuff like this where reason for being there is not to meet people is something I can't do at this point. A club where you are there to get to know people is different. People shopping, or working out are there for other reasons and to me it seems that I would be intruding on whatever they are doing. Plus I never see any body language that indicates anyone wants to talk with me.

Live music is in bars here, so I have avoided this because that is not an atmosphere I can be in.

The main thing people my age seem to do, at least where I live, is go to bars. Or friends parties and then bars - or sometimes the otherway around. And thats really not going to work for me.

Meeting people through friends or meeting people at work is the main way people my age seem to meet. Neither of those is going to work. I do not have very many friends and none of them live near me so I would not be able to meet thier friends. Where I worked, it was mostly with older people. The few people who were my age pretty much liked to go to happy hour and hang out at bars.

I was going to try to go somewhere today, like a coffee shop and read. But I didn't. Noone really hangs around in our coffee shops here. They just are in and out, get there coffee and go. Sometimes people sit down, but its mostly just because they are waiting for thier friends order to get made, or the line is really long or something.

So that leaves me with online stuff, which I haven't been able to get to work. It seems like it would be the best thing though. So seriously, what does it take? Just tell me exactly what to write ... or something. Imagine that I am a regular guy. Not oe of you, I don't want to pretend to be a comedian or try to play games. I'd just like to meet a person near my age. Why is it so hard?

 

[Dominant]

www.youmeworks.com

1. Find out exactly what your problem is. Exactly what you want to fix.
2. Go on that site and read the appropriate self-help articles.

Basically I'm directing you out of this site because I don't feel like we have the credentials to help you. You need more serious help. You deserve the best, and this is the best I know. The guy who writes those articles has a PHD in psychology and has helped many others, he can help you too.

Good luck.

-Dominant

 

[chancer357]

I know what my problem is, and what I would like to fix is that I'd like to go on a date once in my life.

These articles are very much like what I've already read. I haven't been doing nothing. I've tried things. Telling a therapist you can't get a date isn't really pyscholigcal problem they have an answer for