27 and nothing

[Dominant]

Fine you want to go on a date.

1. Dress well.
2. Learn how to speak to others well.
3. Approach 20 women and actually talk to them. Then ask them out.

If you can't dress well then get off of this site and learn how to do so. Then buy those clothes.

Can afford to buy them? Get a job. But don't post here anymore until you dress well.

Can't speak well? Learn. Read the stuff on that site or buy "How to Win Friends and Influence People".

Once you are a good and confident speaker, just approach women and have a nice conversation, followed with a date to coffee.

Now go, learn. Log off and learn.

"The path is smooth, why do you throw rocks in the way?"

-Dominant

 

[chancer357]

Asswipe. If it were that easy I would have done that over a year ago. Just ignore everything I've tried to convey.

 

[assasin]

But it is that easy!

You won't do it though. Not because you're scared, not because you feel unworthy, but because you like being what you are. You love beating yourself up, pitying yourself, kicking yourself. And when you have to rationalise it you just blame everybody else for not giving you a chance.

Why do you do this? Why do you get off on it?

Did your parents ignore you, criticise you? Was the only attention you got from them negative?

Or did your first crush give you a hard time, and from then on thats the only sexual attention you've ever had?

At some point in your past you've learnt to accept being belittled as positive interaction. Find out when that was.

 

[chancer357]

Originally posted by assasin
But it is that easy!

No, it isn't. Not for someone with depression and social anxiety. That is a fact - regardless of wether you can relate to it or not.

because you like being what you are. You love beating yourself up, pitying yourself, kicking yourself.

No, I don't. I wouldn't have bother to read all those books or get any treatment at all if I did.

And when you have to rationalise it you just blame everybody else for not giving you a chance.

That's partly true.

I believe if I was treated differently growing up, or if someone had acted kind towards me things could have been different. There is no doubt in my mind about that.

Do I randomly blame other people for this? No, I don't.

 

[Golden Arms]

That lengthy post of yours shows that you are making some sort of progress - going to a therapist, help groups, reading books, etc.. up until then you sounded like you didn't want to do any of those things; you had said before you were too embarrassed to see anyone about your problems. I am impressed and glad that you haven't given up.

I think little by little you can succeed. Maybe there is something in your appearance that you can improve. It would be good if you posted a picture on here so others could offer suggestions. If you are too embarrassed to do that, maybe you could seek advice from someone you know in real life - maybe one of your friends who don't live near you ? Just ask them how you could change your appearance. But appearance is not nearly as important as your attitude. With the type of attitude you've exhibited here in the past, I would say you would be pretty much guaranteed to not have any success. Now the last few posts of yours actually sound like you're trying to do something to change things, so I do think there is hope for you.

Best of luck.

 

[Dominant]

Originally posted by chancer357
Asswipe. If it were that easy I would have done that over a year ago. Just ignore everything I've tried to convey.

My bad for trying to genuinely help you. I should have read your original post on this thread. Then I would understand what type of man you are and would have written a different response.

Well, didn't want to have to go here but it's necessary.

Reading your original post and your other posts here, frankly I've never read such a pathetic pile of dribble in my life. Your posts are making me literally sick.

Not only are you making yourself sick, you're making everyone around you sick with your whining, and now you're making me sick.

The reason you're making me sick is not because you're stupid. You're not stupid. You know enough to make a change.

It's not because you're lazy. I think you are lazy personally, but that's not the real problem.

The real reason you make me sick is because you're not WILLING to make changes to your life. You keep whining on and on and on but you're not really willing to make the necessary changes.

If I were in your position, I'd be willing to do ANYTHING to change. I'd wipe my ass different if I thought it would help me get somewhere better.

You just dont' give a damn. Really, you don't. You're not striving to get somewhere better. That makes me sick to my stomach. How can you look yourself in the mirror and know you are depriving yourself of a better life.

You say you're trying, but you can't tell me honestly that you can't try any harder. You and I both know you could be trying much harder than you already are.

The problem is you're not WILLING to put in that effort to change. Makes me sick just thinking about it.

Read my first post again.

Are you seriously groomed and dressed well to the best of your ability? No, you're not. And you're not willing to put in that effort to groom and dress well. You're first reaction was to call me and "asswipe" for giving you genuine, well-intentioned help. Pathetic.

Have you seriously studied your ass off in terms of learning how to speak to people better? Were you willing to try your best to understand the dynamics of it all? Then did you try to IMPLEMENT what the books stated?

Oh wait, you have social anxiety and depression. Even with all that, you could try harder than you already are. You could try to speak with ONE OR TWO PEOPLE. Don't tell me you can't do that, you can. You can speak to a few people and implement what the books says about how to speak to people. You can do that. You're just not WILLING. Lame.

You're not going to get any sympathy from me. You'll get sympathy from people that have not been in your shoes.

I've been in your shoes. Not as bad depression and and anxiety, but pretty bad. But I got myself out. I did whatever it took. I was WILLING. I tried hard. Pushed myself. I didn't whine half as much as you did.

But hey, if whining really makes you happy, then you must be ecstatic right now!

Cut the bull ****.

"Shut up, stop whining, and get a life!" - Larry Winget.

-Dominant

 

[chancer357]

Depression, Anxiety, Eating disorders and other psychological problems create real barriers for people that have nothing to do with laziness.

Your "help" is analogous to you "helping" cancer patients by saying, "Why don't you just get well already?".

I didn't ask for your sympathy. In fact, I don't recall asking you for anything. I don't believe that you suffered from any of the problems you mentioned or you would not be so ignorant about they impact a persons life.

 

[Jon E]

Dominant,

Its easy for you to play Monday morning quarterback when you've never been in his shoes. Ive been close, so I can relate and putting someone else down doesn't help at all.

Up until now, Chancer has never said that he's tried one single thing thing to improve the situation that he's in. Its the effort that counts and Im more than glad to help someone as long as their willing to try and make an effort. Even if they're baby steps, they're still steps, which Chancer has just shown that he has taken.

 

[Julian]

Do the DJ bootcamp. Im starting it this week

 

[skeeloo]

damn i know a guy who is 26 year old virgin, well he says he stayed that way by choice and i dont belive him, he,s problem was he never looked after himselve, he only woears sandals and looked like your typical geek he was also rich by the way. the advice a doctor gave him was to stop workig for some time and travel workout,get a tatoo, do those things society and your work place limited you from doing , dude ended up spending a year outta the country worked out married a japanese chick and came back a changed man. he,s former coworkers and even i couldnt belive he was the same person dude had developed people skills and tatooted himselve and just looked happy, sometimes you just have to let go life is short to play by the rules.
by the way how can a dude let himself become a virgin till that age i rember i lost my virginity at the age of ten. going to work and going back home then doing it all over and over without any danger or fun is a boring life that i hopfully wont live lke that.

 

[Dominant]

Originally posted by chancer357
Depression, Anxiety, Eating disorders and other psychological problems create real barriers for people that have nothing to do with laziness.

Your "help" is analogous to you "helping" cancer patients by saying, "Why don't you just get well already?".

I didn't ask for your sympathy. In fact, I don't recall asking you for anything. I don't believe that you suffered from any of the problems you mentioned or you would not be so ignorant about they impact a persons life.

I'm not telling you to "just get better".

You obviously didn't read my post very clearly. I'm not surprise since you don't like reading advise carefully and actually implementing it. Rather, you like to whine.

Here's my main points:

1. STOP WHINING.
2. Be WILLING to change. You're not willing to change. You spend more time whining and being on this site than improving yourself.
3. TRY HARDER AND DO MORE TO CHANGE. You're not trying as hard as you can. Even if you THINK you are trying hard, you can try AT LEAST A LITTLE HARDER, right?

I would say all these same things to a cancer patient. It's all the correct advise you need right now.

But in all honesty, I probably shouldn't have written this response. You'll probably just skim it and nitpick it and then complain some more and refuse to do anything but sit on your ass.

Oh and about the sympathy, you ARE indirectly wanting the sympathy of every member of this site. So don't give me that crap. If you didn't, you would have left after a few posts. You would have taken the MULTITUDE of advice that has been offered and actually IMPLEMENTED it instead of *****ing and complaining and whining.

People have been nice to you and giving you help and help from their hearts, and you're still at square one. From your first post to your last one, it's all been whining and complaining.

And it's YOUR FAULT. Take the actual advise already and change yourself.

"If your life sucks, it is because YOU suck." - Larry Winget

-Dominant

 

[assasin]

I believe if I was treated differently growing up, or if someone had acted kind towards me things could have been different.

Please tell me a little about your parents.

 

[DJnoob]

Is it the "PHYSICAL" you that concerns you the most? Is this where the sadness is coming from? And from that PHYSICAL you branches out into other problems which branches out into even more.. is this how you are feeling? cause thats how ive felt before...im still feeling it to this day, but somehow, i went from a negative 10 to a negative 2 with my life.. its still a negative but im working on it for it to become a positive:

My Life Plan:
1. college (completed last week)
2. working out, loosing some weight (in progress)
3. nose job (2-3 weeks)
4. practicing social skills (in progress)
5. Trying to get laid (in progress)
6. Trying to become rich using my websites (in progress)

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Originally posted by chancer357
I believe if I was treated differently growing up, or if someone had acted kind towards me things could have been different. There is no doubt in my mind about that..

BINGO!!

This may have been the cause of your past downfall but since you are now being treated with kindness and with thoughtful consideration from members of SoSuave then it is time to extricate yourself from your past hardships brought about by people's unkind treatment and bring yourself to your new future (since the first date of this thread) where people are treating you with kindness and caring!!

Do you see the logic? If it was past bad treatment from others that brought to this dismal condition then the solution to your upliftment is the kind treatment from us in the past few months!

We are your new base/foundation that should have made you see things from a different more positive perspective. Our advice is more genuine since we do not prejudge you from your physical traits but rather from your human spirit through cyber space - we all can relate to you as a spirit since the "essence" of humanity is spiritual and not physical!! You must see yourself this way or you will never conquer seeing yourself outside of your miserable physical condition.

 

[Davie101]

Hey i've read this entire thread from the first post and hey, i gotta give it to Chancer, the dude has a sense of humour in his own unique way. Just one question for you Chancer. You want to go on a date, Right? This is going to sound very silly but am sure you've read a lot of silly posts already.

Anyway, are you sure you CAN GET AN ERECTION??? I'm very curious at what your answer is going to be.

 

[chancer357]

You want to go on a date, Right?

Yes, I would like to go on a date. For me, its just incredibly hard to talk to people or find things to do.

Anyway, are you sure you CAN GET AN ERECTION???

Yes, but I'm not sure why it matters. I don't really have a huge sex drive or anything. I tend to just feel bad when I see a girl I like because I feel like she would rather I was not there.

 

[Davie101]

Well, am happy to hear that you can actually get an erection. You know what, am impotent, and i mean dead impotent, even viagra cant help me. So why am i on this site? coz there is nothing i can do about my impotence so after years of agonising, i let it go. Now the thrill of having a hot woman smile at me is enough to keep me going (by the way im generally handsome). I get off that way. Well, i make out with gals but just enuff to give me time to balk out before they realise something is wrong down there. Thats enough for me. Since my relationships generally dont last long (i think the girls get frustrated after some time) i need to keep meeting more people so that i can get through life. Thats where so suave comes in.

So why did i ask you if you can get an erection? Because i'd die to have a problem that i can do something about, whatever it takes...lifting weights, diving into some bad ass ocean, or seeing a million shrinks...just anything. But since i cant, well..life goes on so i keep meeting these women but never f-closing as they call it coz...well..i cant. But hey, i dont want to turn this into a moan coz it aint. I just go with what i have. ANyway, thanks for replying my post. Hope u finally find that date.

 

[Luveno]

Chancer,

the real problem here isn't the fact that you can't get a date. Sure that is a problem but its not what you should be concerned about.

You said yourself that you are suffering from depression/anxiety/ eating disorders. I suggest that you visit a psychiatrist (not psychologist) and work on those problems first.
They are genuine health problems that often are the result of chemical imbalances in your nervous system.

Good luck man

 

[Cornograph]

- Pray to god (or existence or whatever you want to call it). If you don't want that (you dismissed that suggestion before with "I don't believe ..."), maybe you don't feel really desperate.
- Take ecstasy. Just to see the difference in how people react when you get rid of your fears for a few hours. It's not that you are worth less. The difference is your fear you might be.
- Overcome whatever is behind your fear of life. Maybe someone of your family died when you were a kid and that makes you believe you are not worth to live life to the fullest. Whatever it is, find it out. For sure it's not the other kids at school. They are symptoms of what's behind. You started encapsualting yourself from life and other humans before these kids made fun of you, acutally it is the reason why they did it. Maybe their actions catalyzed the process, but they didn't start it. Find out what really started it and come to peace with it.

 

[Robbie]

Originally posted by chancer357
Yes, I would like to go on a date. For me, its just incredibly hard to talk to people or find things to do.

Man, it's hard.

You're not alone. There are a lot of people going through what you are going through in some way, shape, or form. I don't know if the majority of men can relate. It's normal to strive for social interactions and to take chances with women and relationships. People develop all sorts of expectations based on how they feel or what they normally encounter. When they come across someone who is unusual, whether or not they suspect it, they inevitably think about this new person and their challenges in terms of feelings and experiences they have had themselves. They might have felt like being isolative at some point or maybe they were once a bit shy around a person or group of people, but they cannot imagine being this way in general. They instinctually reach out to people when they are feeling down. They have many friends in addition to their small circle of closest friends. They feel comfortable and confident around peers. This may be the opposite of how you opperate, and fundamental differences like this make it very difficult for anyone to appreciate where you're coming from and give you solid advice.


I think a lot of people give up on improving their social lives or trying to meet women. Drugs sound promising but I don't see them working with men who are intelligent and insightful. They usually cause a lot of problems. They're not magic. Therapy can help someone develop insight into the root of their problems but the vast majority of psychotherapists are unable to help people change their behaviors or to help people change their negative self beliefs. There are some great psychotherapists out there, but they're remarkably hard to find and they will not solve all of your problems.

There comes a point when you say screw it, I can't live like this anymore, and you think of all of the places you can go and the people you can try to meet. If you try to go out, you quickly discover that it just isn't easy. If you make it out of the appartment, it's frightening. Once you reach your destination, you just want to eject. You can stay but you just feel uncomfortable. You notice how everyone else is interacting, what seems to be effective and what isn't, but you have an impossible time of implementing your own strategy because you know you'll fail. You start thinking about previous failures. You start thinking about the little things about yourself and about the people you might approach that would break the deal; reasons, so to speak, why any interaction would be short lived and pathetic. Maybe you're too tall, too ugly, or uncultured and uneducated in the context of the crowd. You fear that everyone will quickly catch on to your shortcomings and deficiencies. You have a hard time thinking of things to say because you're preoccupied with monitoring yourself and how the other person is reacting to you. This makes communicating with everyone outside of your two or three best friends an exhausting endeavor. It probably feels the same around some or nearly all of your family members. When they talk to you, you almost feel like you're in the spotlight and you're relieved when it's over. On a deeper level, you feel like you were almost raised differently than everyone else, like from day one of your life, you were coached into being different from everybody else. It's probably true. Something is different about you that seems to make it impossible for you to share in the sort of rapport that you notice people having with one another. You have close friends, but if they suddenly moved to a far away planet, you realize that it would be horribly difficult to establish that close of a relationship with anyone else; that degree of trust and comfort just seems unobtainable. People can tell you anything. You can tell yourself anything. There are all sorts of expressions and advice and self-help books full of strategies that are supposed to work or your money back. But when you are faced with an opportunity to go up and talk to a woman or hang out with a group of colleagues or acquaintances, a little voice at the back of your head tells you that you don't belong and that you will not be able to keep pace with everybody else. They will not accept you and you will not accept them. It is easier to decline, or hide, or wait until one of your few friends are available to do something. I'm willing to bet that your friends aren't extremely outgoing, life of the party - types either.

How do you change? Godamned if I know. I would be rich if I had the decisive answer because there are enough people out there willing to do almost anything to obtain that information. If you get depressed, which is inevitable given your circumstances, remember that diet and exercise are mightier than anything else you are offered. Depression changes your status from extremely challenged to impossibly challenged. Without depression there is hope.

You're still young. Yeah, it would have been great to have been king of the hill in high school and to go back to college, party and plow through women all day long; and yeah, it sucks that you weren't having any fun back then, especially because the people who were successful made so much damned noise, but damnit, you've got a ways to go. Your biological clock isn't ticking. You are still young and have a long future ahead of you, whether or not you are able to change. Some of these left over high school and college bigshots just burn out and a lot of that has to do with having a crappy job and few if any resources to better themselves. You are NOT in that category. If these dudes can have fun when they get out of work, meet women, and do what men do, then you can have it too.

I'm not gonna say that nothing is stopping you from taking the bull by the horns, cuz I know as well as you know that it's bullshyt. You've got some major obstacles standing in your way. These obstacles have derailed thousands upon thousands of men before you. They all gave up. I know it's possible to be in your situaiton and to experience a break, to make friends, go on dates, and have women offer to do anything with you. It is extremely difficult (or under the right, lucky circumstances not so difficult) but it is possible. It sucks to see some dude have it a thousand times easier than you but that's reality. A lot of people just quit. Some get to go on a date, have that end miserably, and quit. Others get laid once or twice and then quit. Some men acheive a relationship and once that ends, so does their effort. I don't hear of too many people in your situation coming from behind and suddenly having all sorts of friends and opportunities to date women. It did happen to the person I know best when he was in his early twenties. Didn't last longer than a year, but it was a great year, and it gives me a lot of hope.

I'm not gonna lie to you. This is one hell of a fight.