Current GF / Lost interest in Sex

[Gamisch]

I accept my own mistakes as with the mistakes other people make.

If i had ego i would not be part of this group and post here.

Whether i f3uck up anything in else in the future which i can tell i will not, because i may extend my mistakes but I dont make them twice.

now get your negative a$$ out of this thread.

Its not about him. He'll just laugh at your agry response. ...

I really REALLY understand your frustration because I've been here not too long ago.

So my main question is: what you gonna do moving forward????

 

[Sega Genesis]

The sex life is a key relationship barometer. It is tough to know what it is since we don’t see it, but I do see a lot of blame placing. Depending on where you want this relationship to go, you may have to accept for now the lower frequency of this happening and work on whatever is holding you and her back. Requires mutual respect to disagree respectfully, and mutual interest repairing the relationship.

Have you ever sat down calmly with an ‘I’ statement and mentioned your concerns to her? ‘Baby, I love you but I … ‘. Take some time to think about what is wrong, maybe don’t lead with the physical. See if you can examine it from the emotional perspective. Lay it out to her calmly and with positive intentions.

Since this thread is discussing a "long term relationship" versus pick up, plate spinning and/or seduction, the above quoted is the best response imo.

How to interact and respond to conflict (sexual or any other type of conflict) is different in a long term relationship (where there is mutual love and trust) than a casual dating experience, which IMO explains most of the responses (other than Dw3) since this is essentially a pick up/seduction forum.

Anyway, @Learning Curve if you truly want to continue this relationship, I would suggest you take the above advice and see how it plays out.

Good luck and Merry Christmas to you and everyone!

 

[Divorced w 3]

" but I wanna explain to you ( grown azz woman) that I am a horny man who wants to negotiate YOUR desire"

Let's keep it a buck. OP went from having approx 50 sexual experiences a week to zero. That was back in August. He only wants one thing, that is sex. She wants..whatever, anything except that. I can't imagine the atmosphere being a happy cozy one.

Tons to unpack if you want. Let me just say that most modern males fall for this trap. They wanna isolate a woman, use her as a sexdoll but when she refuses to be that they ofcourse get salty. He has no friends close to him and she is not from the town they live in. Some men I know try the same, where they isolate their women from the outside world and "secretly " try to build a legacy.

Meanwhile the only sensible thing to do is leave leave leave. You know, this is why women will say they were abused by their ex. Because at best he'll say: " but I need to get some p00sy otherwise this relationship is over". So she gives you some, but now everytime you penetrate her it will feel like you abuse her. Read that TWICE. You get your short relief but it WILL come back to haunt you one day. If there's drama and third parties get involved she will say that he also sexually abused her and forced her to have sex with him. She can say he used his position of power ( his house) threatening her to become homeless. Some tears, some blue haired women who make the report and he's DONE.

This relationship should've been over months ago. At best OP can extend the cycle for some time, or she'll suddenly "behave better" while we all know its a matter of time before she will act like this again. He can push this along for another 2 years and end up in the same position, a position where he indeed will have to start from zero, get out there , use the app, go to the bars , approach random women and get rejected over and over ( like the rest of us ).

I know you mean well ,but a soft azz approach like this will not work anymore.. eventually we all know op won't end this, and his LEARNING CURVE will be the hard way.

Marry Christmas hohoho!

I have been working on bringing all the eastern philosophy that has been in my head for years into my heart through intense psychedelic therapy. The way I am looking at this from his description is that at some level, there is a partnership that involves living together.

Life is constant change, everything changes. Holding onto the honeymoon stage, being attached to desired outcomes, hoping to change someone’s behavior and personality, it’s all going to cause him to suffer.

Patience is the ultimate masculine behavior. I don’t know if he ever spoke his feelings and concerns to her. There is an opportunity here to work on himself and how he deals with others. If he has a partner here, what they can do together can be really beneficial, but if they can’t, he can at least work internally on what that may be from his side contributing or what other lessons he can learn.

I am sure that if he is able to see the good in her, and accept her as an imperfect human, as he is, and willing to be receptive, at the very least he can attempt a compassionate conversation and attempt to vibe on a better level than is being done now. Wisdom will tell him how to handle it from there, and hopefully if it goes sideways he can keep the blood pressure down and walk away and not force outcomes.

 

[Gamisch]

I have been working on bringing all the eastern philosophy that has been in my head for years into my heart through intense psychedelic therapy. The way I am looking at this from his description is that at some level, there is a partnership that involves living together.

Life is constant change, everything changes. Holding onto the honeymoon stage, being attached to desired outcomes, hoping to change someone’s behavior and personality, it’s all going to cause him to suffer.

Patience is the ultimate masculine behavior. I don’t know if he ever spoke his feelings and concerns to her. There is an opportunity here to work on himself and how he deals with others. If he has a partner here, what they can do together can be really beneficial, but if they can’t, he can at least work internally on what that may be from his side contributing or what other lessons he can learn.

I am sure that if he is able to see the good in her, and accept her as an imperfect human, as he is, and willing to be receptive, at the very least he can attempt a compassionate conversation and attempt to vibe on a better level than is being done now. Wisdom will tell him how to handle it from there, and hopefully if it goes sideways he can keep the blood pressure down and walk away and not force outcomes.

Gotta admit your way of wording it is pretty neat.

I can imagine that being in that predicament your approach sounds better than mine.

Yours- use your heart and try
Mine- be real and run

I asked him to gibe us the update. Untill we get some updates it's impossible to make any assessment. Seems to ME like a typical case where the man overstayed his welcome( even though it's his house)

 

[Gamisch]

Since this thread is discussing a "long term relationship" versus pick up, plate spinning and/or seduction, the above quoted is the best response imo.

How to interact and respond to conflict (sexual or any other type of conflict) is different in a long term relationship (where there is mutual love and trust) than a casual dating experience, which IMO explains most of the responses (other than Dw3) since this is essentially a pick up/seduction forum.

Anyway, @Learning Curve if you truly want to continue this relationship, I would suggest you take the above advice and see how it plays out.

Good luck and Merry Christmas to you and everyone!

Okay maybe I'm wrong...I'll think about it.

To me a sexless relationship =done. And that's experience speaking rather than feelings tbh.

So let me ask you this; how can he revive his sexless life now? IF there still was sex it would've been a completely different case. But if she already shut down her legs months ago while only being with her for like 2 years AND she never takes the initiative..apart from all the floaty philosophy ish, how is he gonna reignite her PRIMAL desire for HIM?

 

[New_Journey]

I accept my own mistakes as with the mistakes other people make.

If i had ego i would not be part of this group and post here.

Whether i f3uck up anything in else in the future which i can tell i will not, because i may extend my mistakes but I dont make them twice.

now get your negative a$$ out of this thread.

You don't even know what did wrong in this relationship and you're saying you won't make the same mistakes? Your anger shows it. Good luck man, you'll need it.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Gotta admit your way of wording it is pretty neat.

I can imagine that being in that predicament your approach sounds better than mine.

Yours- use your heart and try
Mine- be real and run

I asked him to gibe us the update. Untill we get some updates it's impossible to make any assessment. Seems to ME like a typical case where the man overstayed his welcome( even though it's his house)

I am just doing my best to paraphrase a talk by Ram Dass called ‘the yoga of relationships’. He considered relations the most challenging of all work. It’s episode 17 of the Be Here Now podcast. ‘the ego is a wonderful servant and a terrible master.’

 

[Kiranel]

It sounds like you're in a really frustrating situation. I’ve been in relationships where the spark fades and things get a bit routine, but when one person stops putting in the effort, it’s hard to keep things going. It seems like you’ve tried a lot to keep things fresh and communicate, but if she’s not showing any interest or effort to meet you halfway, that can feel really lonely. I think having an honest conversation about where you both stand might help, but if things don’t change, it could be time to reassess whether it’s worth staying in a relationship that’s not fulfilling for you. No one should have to carry the weight of everything, especially in something as important as intimacy.

 

[Sega Genesis]

Okay maybe I'm wrong...I'll think about it.

To me a sexless relationship =done. And that's experience speaking rather than feelings tbh.

So let me ask you this; how can he revive his sexless life now? IF there still was sex it would've been a completely different case. But if she already shut down her legs months ago while only being with her for like 2 years AND she never takes the initiative..apart from all the floaty philosophy ish, how is he gonna reignite her PRIMAL desire for HIM?

I think he should approach it the way @Divorced w 3 presented it in both posts, and while doing so somehow convey the message, not in a caveman-like, heavy handed way, but covertly and assertively, that if she's not willing or desirous of meeting him half way in resolving, he WILL walk away.

She may have taken for granted that @Learning Curve will stick around no matter what (kiss of death in a LTR in my experience), and often times for a woman, the fear of losing him can reignite the spark and her primal desire for him.

IMO (as a woman), she should always have a bit of fear she could lose him. Keeps things fresh and exciting in the bedroom and elsewhere... Never allow complacency to seep in, like I said kiss of death!

For a man too. Learn to embrace fear, fear can be your friend and bring you closer together if channeled properly.

I speak from experience.

 

[Learning Curve]

Appreciate all the comments.

I did plenty of mistakes in this relationship from my side of the spectrum and i take the blame, mostly it was wrong assessment on my side on expectations.

Anyway, Im returning back as im in a business trip, so once im back i will have a talk with her. But my concern is as @Gamisch pointed out that even if this is discussed, it will probably be waste of time. She will not want to break up im sure, yet she will probably keep the same uninterested sexual behaviour.

This whole situation has become psychologically draining for me and trying to discuss sex and intimacy is something that shouldn’t have to be discussed and i never had to discuss it with any of my previous relationships.

Once im back and i have something solid to update i will.

Wishing everyone Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

 

[Chow Mein]

Appreciate all the comments.

I did plenty of mistakes in this relationship from my side of the spectrum and i take the blame, mostly it was wrong assessment on my side on expectations.

Anyway, Im returning back as im in a business trip, so once im back i will have a talk with her. But my concern is as @Gamisch pointed out that even if this is discussed, it will probably be waste of time. She will not want to break up im sure, yet she will probably keep the same uninterested sexual behaviour.

This whole situation has become psychologically draining for me and trying to discuss sex and intimacy is something that shouldn’t have to be discussed and i never had to discuss it with any of my previous relationships.

Once im back and i have something solid to update i will.

Wishing everyone Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

How many LTR’s have you been in?
The reason I ask is because men learn and grow from every LTR.
You’re in your early 30’s, a lot of time to learn and grow. You just need to accept you may have made a mistake committing to this one. No judgement from us, as long as you keep that ego you got in check. Life is a journey of learning.

 

[BaronOfHair]

Been gone for a while from this forums.

Been building different things in my life and while all the rest is working like a clock, my love life and especially my sex life has been decreasing by a high margin.

Long story short i posted in the past about this chick im with for about 17 months now and we live together.

As with all the excitements in the beginning when i first met this chick we were having 6-7 times a day sex at-least.

Since we moved together this has gradually decreased to the point of her basically not even initiating unless i bring it up or not even discussing it if we don't have sex for 1-2 weeks for example unless i bring it up.

i want to mention here that since the beginning when we met she never initiated sex i always did, which is fine with me but when i did she was into it. Some chicks are like that from my experience all though i like a woman initiating as well.

The current situation now is that when i initiate sex im trying different things in the playbooks and she is not even getting wet. Her to get wet is like my trying to climb a mountain with a spoon.

Is like she lost interest in sex completely. At one point she even told me “sex does not interest me that much”.

Now i have yes tried to spice things up, i have tried to not bring up sex at all to see her reaction or initiate to see if she ever gets into it and nothing works.

At this point even when the sex happens its robotic and boring she is not investing time to fix this or to make it better unless i do this is what im getting.

She is not investing time in our sex to get down there to do things on her own it’s like she wants to be taken by hand on everything.

This was the case from the start and i did not mind to lead but this got to the point of either i do something or nothing happens.

Im considering exiting this relationship soon if nothing changes and she does not wake up.

Looking for your thoughts and forget about comments of “she is f3ucking somebody else” we live together and i work from home so pretty much she has no space to cheat we are together 24/7.

You both are practically a married couple and the thrill of sex evaporated, faster than Hiroshima, within seconds of that A-Bomb exploding. What your experiencing here is more or less the rule, rather than the exception

Rejoice in the fact that you haven't actually wifed her up, and there are no kids in the picture. This means that ending things will be relatively easy

 

[Gamisch]

I think he should approach it the way @Divorced w 3 presented it in both posts, and while doing so somehow convey the message, not in a caveman-like, heavy handed way, but covertly and assertively, that if she's not willing or desirous of meeting him half way in resolving, he WILL walk away.

She may have taken for granted that @Learning Curve will stick around no matter what (kiss of death in a LTR in my experience), and often times for a woman, the fear of losing him can reignite the spark and her primal desire for him.

IMO (as a woman), she should always have a bit of fear she could lose him. Keeps things fresh and exciting in the bedroom and elsewhere... Never allow complacency to seep in, like I said kiss of death!

For a man too. Learn to embrace fear, fear can be your friend and bring you closer together if channeled properly.

I speak from experience.

Let's see if it works or not..

They aren't together for that long. Why can't men accept their losses I wonder? All the work apparently needs to be done by him while she does literally NOTHING. She just using his resources.

You say you speak from experience. Can you elaborate in detail what he should do? Because to me this sounds too generic. I know she should fear losing him but it seems like she doesn't.

I judge people on based on their actions rather than their words. And that's also a major issue: she doesn’t even WORD she will try or something. So he now needs to convince her to SAY she will try better and then wait and see if she does?

That conversation will take place anyway. She is in his house so SHE will need to go. He can't just put her shyte on the street so he'll has to tell her he's done and that will ignite a conversation anyway.

All the signs show that she is like woman nr 12233455559 and NOTHING different. All those previous women either cheated, fell out of love or were too immature to be straight forward and put in some effort to show HIM some love.

 

[Gamisch]

I think he should approach it the way @Divorced w 3 presented it in both posts, and while doing so somehow convey the message, not in a caveman-like, heavy handed way, but covertly and assertively, that if she's not willing or desirous of meeting him half way in resolving, he WILL walk away.

She may have taken for granted that @Learning Curve will stick around no matter what (kiss of death in a LTR in my experience), and often times for a woman, the fear of losing him can reignite the spark and her primal desire for him.

IMO (as a woman), she should always have a bit of fear she could lose him. Keeps things fresh and exciting in the bedroom and elsewhere... Never allow complacency to seep in, like I said kiss of death!

For a man too. Learn to embrace fear, fear can be your friend and bring you closer together if channeled properly.

I speak from experience.

Ah you're a woman...

With all due respect, but I am highly skeptical when women give advice ESPECIALLY when it's a dead end relationship. Just like you do, most women tend to sugar coat and protect each other. Why? I don't know. Perhaps you project the situation on yourself and unconsciously you try to "safe face" while it's an anonymous forum so you can just be honest.

Let's be real: you know at least one woman who been here( if you yourself ain't that woman), where there's a dead bedroom for several MONTHS. We're talking about two people spooning every damn night. Every night the stiff D pokes in your azz eager for some action and yet every -damn - night you don't feel like it and refuse his moves.

Be honest please. Don't talk like you're on a tvshow with Beyonce sitting next to you in church . This is the men's locker room.

If I can learn some I'll learn some. So you tell me that you think it's normal to withhold sex from your partner for more than 6 months? Wouldn't you aks your bff :" are you actually ATTRACTED to him?" And after some digging the honest answer is NO?

It ain't that deep. Iam also talking from experience by the way. A woman withholding sex basically messes with your entire existence ESPECIALLY if she lives with you.

But , let's ask @BeExcellent to chime in so we get some female perspective on this and perhaps I can learn a thing or two.

 

[Solomon]

OP she is not attracted to you
If a woman is not gushing like a 25 year old of the anticipation she is going through the motion
Time to give her, her pink slip OP but we know you won't. So you gonna waste another year of life with her and eventually find out she's getting pounded hard by some big black guy

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

There must be sexual desire or the relationship is dead/dying.

Now. There are many ways desire can be withered and I do not think we are getting the full story from OP.

If he was always the one pursuing sexually perhaps her desire was never super high, but desire can be killed even if initially present. There is something in the interaction happening. They are fighting and she is upset/hurt (kills desire), they spend too much time together (no mystery - boring predictable life) which can kill desire....and some people have less sexual nature than others. They may have frustrating communication/miscommunication issues, those are insidious over time and can kill desire.

Something in the interaction between them is killing desire. My question is what.....and I don't think we have enough information to know at this point. OP needs to really think about this.

Otherwise he leaves....only to repeat the same pattern with the next relationship.

 

[Sega Genesis]

So you tell me that you think it's normal to withhold sex from your partner for more than 6 months?

Excuse me but where did I say that? I didn't and no I don't think it's normal. You missed my entire point.

Let's be real: you know at least one woman who been here( if you yourself ain't that woman), where there's a dead bedroom for several MONTHS. We're talking about two people spooning every damn night. Every night the stiff D pokes in your azz eager for some action and yet every -damn - night you don't feel like it and refuse his moves.

I don't know who you're referring to here^ but it's not me. I never had a "dead end bedroom" with any of my partners. Issues to resolve? Yes. But frequency of sex was never one of them.

This is the men's locker room.

Fair enough, last post.