Why No Contact is your Only Option after a Breakup

[Jariel]

You must see that every bit of it was your fault. Your responsibility. Every single day you made choices and those choices were with her I. The fundamental framework of your thinking. Those choices belong to you. Blaming her is your trap. If you don’t get out of it, congratulations, you will have a wasted life behind you.

I'm with you on this. A woman can't use, abuse or cheat on a guy unless he allows her to. Yes she might be a horrible excuse for a human being and that's on her, but if he refused to walk away that's entirely on him.

Too many people seek scapegoats for their problems and blame others for their own failures. Unless we take responsibility we can never learn or grow and will continue assuming the victim role and making the same mistakes.

 

[Jariel]

If you get into a committed and invested LTR, then you are placing your trust in a woman. The problem with this is that women are capricious and can change their mind about you in a second. This change is swift, cold and insect-like in its brutality. You are only as good as your last moment with her. Your history together means nothing to her if she is not feeling it "in the moment" with you. This is Nature, and Nature is a cold and selfish machine of survival. Nature is not sentimental. Men are sentimental and romantic and this is our downfall. Men don't want to believe it and they only truly learn through pain and suffering.

This is the biggest mistake guys make when getting into LTRs in this modern era. Men deceive themselves, become complacent, and the rug is pulled. Failing to appreciate how dark and ruthless women are is the fault of men, indeed.

So true and brilliantly put. Many of my past girlfriends appeared loving, affectionate and attentive to me for the majority of the relationship. We would have big arguments because I messaged other girls or liked an Instagram pic, or was a bit of a **** to her, but they always forgave me. But as soon as I started to go through difficult times or lose my edge, I've seen them turn cold, resentful and critical. Sometimes quite malicious.

I've never had a woman stand by me through tough times.

But the fact that women are repulsed by weakness is not a conscious choice and I accept that. I can't change that about them, rewire their unconscious mind or reprogram their DNA, but I can take responsibility for myself, stop building expectations and be realistic about the darker side of their nature.

 

[mikey2012]

What jf you got dumped because you neglected her and maybe she moved on to someone else ?

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

What jf you got dumped because you neglected her and maybe she moved on to someone else ?

I'm sure SHE would want you to realise your mistake and start courting her again to win her back.

Then again, I'm a firm believer in giving people what they need, not what they want.

Breakups happen, but not out of the blue. Both parties need time apart to understand where they failed fixing things when they were together. Relationships require both parties to invest time and effort and energy is keeping the relationship healthy. Breaking up is a sign that at least one party feels that the relationship is beyond fixing.

 

[SW15]

No Contact is NOT to get your ex back. Usually it doesn't lead to that. No Contact is to help yourself get over her. If you are using it to get the ex back you can almost be assured it is going to backfire and blow up in your face in the worst way possible.

This is a very important thing to remember. No Contact is useful for you as a man to move forward with your life and focus on the next woman in your life.

There's a reason that a woman is an ex. It's important to realize why the relationship failed and move on from it. Some self-improvement might be necessary to keep a negative pattern from repeating.

Most of the time when your ex reaches out to you after a breakup it is generally only for validation.

I agree with this statement as a large percentage of modern women seem to crave validation. This is the case in childless breakups.

In thinking about breakups, it's unfortunate when a breakup happens after a couple has had a child/children together. The breaking up couple will need to have contact with each other for co-parenting purposes. That contact makes it far more difficult to get over the breakup.

Some men might choose to cease contact with their ex and not parent because the woman is so unpleasant in interactions. Most men don't tend to do this as most men want to interact with their child.

Co-parenting does not end when the children turn 18/graduate high school either. After that point, the legal adult children have birthdays, graduations (if they pursue education beyond high school) and holiday season gatherings. That forces contact with an ex. Additionally, many adult children will run into life problems during 18-29 that will require co-parenting coordination. The adult child might need financial help due to not being able to find a job after college graduation or needs help after a layoff. This adult child might need to live with one of the parents due to those aforementioned situations. Since the early 2000s, Millennial and Gen Z young adults have needed more help from parents since turning 18 as compared to young adults in the 20th Century. All these events extend contact between exes and doesn't help with moving on.

My ex had reached out this past Tuesday after 3 months of No Contact (we broke up about 3.5 months ago after a 2.5 year LTR).

I broke up with my ex but it was because I could see the writing on the wall. She was slowly withdrawing. I beat her to the punch....There’s a reason a breakup occurs and you aren’t going to change reality even if they come back for a (short) period of time.

This was written in March 2021. It seems like the timing of the breakup was in late 2020. 2020 was a year that caused a lot of non-marital relationships to end and also caused a lot of marriages to end.

2020 and 2021 were stressful years in the mating environment due to the pandemic. In 2020, a lot of men lost their jobs and male job loss commonly leads to breakups because male SMV is tied to money/employment. Female job loss means nothing for SMV.

Indoor masking made approaching in 2020 and 2021 very difficult. Outdoor approaching became the most viable way to meet new women in 2020 and 2021 after a failed relationship. In 2022, indoor masking seemed to fade away as that year went on, allowing for a rebound in both bar approaching and in non-bar approaching in places like grocery stores and indoor malls.

 

[mikey2012]

I'm sure SHE would want you to realise your mistake and start courting her again to win her back.

Then again, I'm a firm believer in giving people what they need, not what they want.

Breakups happen, but not out of the blue. Both parties need time apart to understand where they failed fixing things when they were together. Relationships require both parties to invest time and effort and energy is keeping the relationship healthy. Breaking up is a sign that at least one party feels that the relationship is beyond fixing.

If one started courting to win her back, doesn't it mean the power dynamic has now changed to her and now one is in a position of weakness if the relationship were to start again? Previously she was the one initiating and declaring her "love". Also do you continue to no contact until she reaches out? Or is it over since the last interaction she rejected a meet up? I assume another guy is in the picture but she didn't explicitly say but got very angry when i pressed the issue of meeting up and now gone silent.

 

[Barrister]

This is a very important thing to remember. No Contact is useful for you as a man to move forward with your life and focus on the next woman in your life.

There's a reason that a woman is an ex. It's important to realize why the relationship failed and move on from it. Some self-improvement might be necessary to keep a negative pattern from repeating.



I agree with this statement as a large percentage of modern women seem to crave validation. This is the case in childless breakups.

This was written in March 2021. It seems like the timing of the breakup was in late 2020. 2020 was a year that caused a lot of non-marital relationships to end and also caused a lot of marriages to end.

2020 and 2021 were stressful years in the mating environment due to the pandemic. In 2020, a lot of men lost their jobs and male job loss commonly leads to breakups because male SMV is tied to money/employment. Female job loss means nothing for SMV.

Indoor masking made approaching in 2020 and 2021 very difficult. Outdoor approaching became the most viable way to meet new women in 2020 and 2021 after a failed relationship. In 2022, indoor masking seemed to fade away as that year went on, allowing for a rebound in both bar approaching and in non-bar approaching in places like grocery stores and indoor malls.

It’s funny reading these posts in this thread right now as I have come full circle since then and currently getting ready for another LTR split almost 3 years later on the dot.

This breakup was Dec 2020. It actually had little to do with COVID as she and I had been struggling for some time and wasn’t because of the masks but was more about her constantly testing my leadership in the relationship. She was also a lawyer like me and she was very career oriented. This can be a good thing in some ways but was a bad thing in others.

That said - the original point is still true to this day. Don’t use No Context “to win the ex back.” It’s a losing battle and as soon as she reaches out and you capitulate you have given her all the power back. No contact means no contact.

 

[SW15]

It’s funny reading these posts in this thread right now as I have come full circle since then and currently getting ready for another LTR split almost 3 years later on the dot.

You might be living proof of my "relationships have a shelf life of goodness of 3-5 years" idea that I promote a lot on this forum.

This breakup was Dec 2020. It actually had little to do with COVID as she and I had been struggling for some time and wasn’t because of the masks but was more about her constantly testing my leadership in the relationship. She was also a lawyer like me and she was very career oriented. This can be a good thing in some ways but was a bad thing in others.

I am amazed that you were able to date a lawyer for 2+ years. The last time I went on one date with a lawyer, I regretted it. My last date with a lawyer had no consequences other than one unpleasant evening. Female lawyers often possess personality traits that are not good in romantic interactions. A lot of the best looking women don't become lawyers because they aren't interested in getting an advanced degree and working longer hours. That said, there are Cute range women (slightly to somewhat above average) that become lawyers. There are female lawyers that can accessorize well and present well. Higher incomes can help them get a nicer wardrobe and do some other things to make themselves look better.

In general, I would rather date a paralegal than a lawyer. Paralegals (almost always female) are more likely to have more feminine traits and they don't work as many hours.

Your breakup in December 2020 likely would have happened in the world of 2016-2019 too. You acknowledged that and I agree with it.

Indoor masking in 2020-2021 made it more difficult to find new women after a breakup. That likely made a lot of men want to return to an ex as compared to finding new women in a more difficult environment. Online dating didn't fully solve that problem because there had to be some public dates. Some guys were able to get home dates immediately off of swipe apps and social media DMs but that was less common.

 

[Clockwerk50]

It’s funny reading these posts in this thread right now as I have come full circle since then and currently getting ready for another LTR split almost 3 years later on the dot.

This breakup was Dec 2020. It actually had little to do with COVID as she and I had been struggling for some time and wasn’t because of the masks but was more about her constantly testing my leadership in the relationship. She was also a lawyer like me and she was very career oriented. This can be a good thing in some ways but was a bad thing in others.

That said - the original point is still true to this day. Don’t use No Context “to win the ex back.” It’s a losing battle and as soon as she reaches out and you capitulate you have given her all the power back. No contact means no contact.

Many couples and marriages broke up and ended in divorce during the pandemic. It was bizarre.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

If one started courting to win her back, doesn't it mean the power dynamic has now changed to her and now one is in a position of weakness if the relationship were to start again?

Unless you are able to manipulate her in pursuing you again, she will become the dominant in the power dynamic.

Also do you continue to no contact until she reaches out? Or is it over since the last interaction she rejected a meet up? I assume another guy is in the picture but she didn't explicitly say but got very angry when i pressed the issue of meeting up and now gone silent.

I never take anyone back. I don't break up on a whim. And a woman who breaks up with me on a whim isn't worthy of my time.

You don't go No Contact as a strategy to 'win her back'. The relationship is over. You have to put her out of your mind while you recuperate, deal with your guilt/self-loathing over any mistakes you made, learn from failure, and find another woman to try a relationship with.

 

[Barrister]

You might be living proof of my "relationships have a shelf life of goodness of 3-5 years" idea that I promote a lot on this forum.



I am amazed that you were able to date a lawyer for 2+ years. The last time I went on one date with a lawyer, I regretted it. My last date with a lawyer had no consequences other than one unpleasant evening. Female lawyers often possess personality traits that are not good in romantic interactions. A lot of the best looking women don't become lawyers because they aren't interested in getting an advanced degree and working longer hours. That said, there are Cute range women (slightly to somewhat above average) that become lawyers. There are female lawyers that can accessorize well and present well. Higher incomes can help them get a nicer wardrobe and do some other things to make themselves look better.

In general, I would rather date a paralegal than a lawyer. Paralegals (almost always female) are more likely to have more feminine traits and they don't work as many hours.

Your breakup in December 2020 likely would have happened in the world of 2016-2019 too. You acknowledged that and I agree with it.

Indoor masking in 2020-2021 made it more difficult to find new women after a breakup. That likely made a lot of men want to return to an ex as compared to finding new women in a more difficult environment. Online dating didn't fully solve that problem because there had to be some public dates. Some guys were able to get home dates immediately off of swipe apps and social media DMs but that was less common.

First, as I am now getting ready to exit what is a 3 year LTR (the one following dating this lawyer we are discussing), I would tend to agree with you on the fact that relationships seem to have that "good" shelf life of 3-5 years. I certainly think you can extend it with the right woman for longer than that, but it is extremely difficult and requires just the right amount of intelligence on her part balanced with her willingness to fall in line and let the man lead.

As for lawyers, I would also agree. The lawyer I dated was easily a HB 8.5 at the time and not your standard female lawyer (most of whom are physically sub HB 6). They tend to have masculine traits and "want to wear the pants" and are hyper-opinionated. However, the LTR I am just getting out of was with a woman on the surface who I would never have guessed would also begin to act the way she did. I think it is one of those things where you never really know. All you can do as a man is exit a relationship when it has become untenable to stay and not become a chump who turns into a doormat "just to get along for the kids" or something like that. Not worth it to your emotional well-being and she will lose all respect for you.

 

[SW15]

First, as I am now getting ready to exit what is a 3 year LTR (the one following dating this lawyer we are discussing), I would tend to agree with you on the fact that relationships seem to have that "good" shelf life of 3-5 years.

Thank you. There's a lot of value in that "good" shelf life idea that I promote.

I certainly think you can extend it with the right woman for longer than that, but it is extremely difficult and requires just the right amount of intelligence on her part balanced with her willingness to fall in line and let the man lead.

I agree with all of this. A relationship can be good beyond 5 years but it's going to be challenging to achieve as you describe.

Most relationships that have gone beyond 5 years are in a decayed state and aren't experiencing what you are describing.

The lawyer I dated was easily a HB 8.5 at the time and not your standard female lawyer (most of whom are physically sub HB 6). They tend to have masculine traits and "want to wear the pants" and are hyper-opinionated.

The female lawyer's well above average looks are what got you initially attracted. It can be challenging to walk away from a well above average looking woman like that.

Most female lawyers I have seen are average to below average looking, in line with your physically sub HB 6 rating assessment.

The traits you described are not attractive for women in longer term relationships.

All you can do as a man is exit a relationship when it has become untenable to stay and not become a chump who turns into a doormat "just to get along for the kids" or something like that. Not worth it to your emotional well-being and she will lose all respect for you.

Most men don't exit when the relationship is untenable. Women also stay in bad relationships too long.

There are plenty of men who are average beta chumps in relationships and are staying together for the kids. These are usually married men and it is true that the wife has lost all respect for him.

There are even some men turn into beta doormats without kids being involved and are in relationships when their girlfriend/wife has lost all respect for them.