Whether trying to get your ex back or move on, there’s are good reasons why no contact is such a highly recommended strategy. Because it works!
First of all, it removes you from the source of the pain (her) and will spare you multiple rejections every time you reach out.
Secondly, it gives her space to feel your absence and realise what she’s lost.
And most importantly, it allows time for your emotions to settle and gives you chance to rationalise your compulsive thinking.
Right now, your head is all over the place and you don’t have any consistency in your thoughts or feelings. One minute you’re going to hate her and fixate on all the things she did to ruin the relationship. The next minute, you’re going to miss everything about her. You’ll go through confusion and denial. You’ll picture her with other men and make yourself angry. You’ll rehearse speeches and convince yourself if you say the right thing or act a certain way you can win her back.
Attempting to talk to her when you’re so unstable is going to cause irreparable damage. You’ll act like a ***** and say things you later regret. Then you’ll try to retract them and dig yourself deeper into a pit of shame.
There are no magic words or Jedi mind tricks that will suddenly make her reverse her decision. If that’s what you’re looking for, keep searching. There are plenty of hustlers willing to scam you out of your money.
You can’t use reason and logic to communicate on an emotional level.
You can’t persuade someone to be attracted to you.
The Harsh Truth
In the weeks following your breakup, your ex will be feeling a sense of relief. For whatever reason, the relationship was making her unhappy. She doesn’t want to hurt you and she’s been stressing over this decision long before she called it off. So now that it’s done, she’s freed herself of a burden. She’s likely to be feeling optimistic about the future and looking forward to making the most of her free time. Think of a time you were the one doing the rejecting and you’ll know what I mean.
Even if you get her to reply, it will be out of guilt or pity. No self-respecting man wants that.
That’s not what you want to hear, is it? But knowing this will help you understand why now is the worst time to speak to her. She’s not missing you at this moment and she’ll never miss you if you’re still lingering around.
Keep in mind the old proverb, “Familiarity breeds contempt”.
The most common reason men get dumped is because they’re too available and accommodating. If that sounds like you towards the end of your relationship then you allowed her to take you for granted. You lost your value.
Conversely, it’s human nature to want what we can’t have or what we stand to lose. And this is exactly why you should cut contact with your ex.
That means no text messages, calls, emails, no turning up where she hangs out…literally no contact with her for any reason. No mind games. No liking or commenting on her social media posts.
Resist Temptation
You’ll try to find excuses to contact her. You’ll think
your breakup is an exception to the rule. You’ll worry she’ll forget you. You think talking to her will stop her moving on. You’ll convince yourself she’s too scared or stubborn to make the first move and she’s waiting for your call.
That’s the desperation we talked about.
Don’t try to adapt this advice and come up with your own strategy. Don’t think you can drop a message trying to act indifferent and cool, because the very act of sending a message shows you’re not cool. She’ll see right through it.
No contact means no contact. I can’t stress how important this is.
Whenever I’ve ignored this advice, I’ve regretted it. Everyone I’ve ever spoken to or read about who ignored this advice ended up regretting it.
Do not ignore this advice!
The only exception to this rule is if you have shared custody of kids, a home, legal issues or you work together, in which case you should keep communication to a minimum. Be civilised and upbeat, but deal only with the essential issues. No relationship talk.
One of the most helpful things I did during past breakups was to delete my ex’s number from my phone. It can be too easy to send an impulsive text – especially after a drink or two – so it pays to remove the temptation. Even if you remember her number, the act of typing it out (or writing her email address or postal address) could give you just enough time to let the impulse settle.
If you reach out to her after you have been dumped, she’ll continue to take you for granted. She can take chances with other guys knowing you’ll be there as a safety net if things don’t work out.
When you cut all contact, however, you force her to experience life without you. It’s in the quiet, lonely moments that our minds are most active. Over time, she’ll start reflecting on the relationship with an open-mind. She’ll put the bad things in perspective and remember all the positive experiences you shared and all your great qualities she took for granted.
I’ll warn you now, if you make contact before you’re ready, her reply (or lack thereof) could knock you back into a state of despair and you’ll have to start the healing process all over again.
So how will you know if you’re ready? Close your eyes and imagine the worst case scenario. You contact her and find out she’s dating somebody else. It’s going well and she’s happy. How do you feel? If you react emotionally to this thought, then you’re not ready.
Before you get her back, you need to get yourself back
At this point I should make one thing very clear. No contact isn’t just some manipulative mind game to win your ex back. It will always begin that way because you can’t think of anything else. Right now, you’re clinging to whatever hope you can find and just looking to get from one day to the next.
The ironic thing is that once you stop caring and move on, that’s when they’re most likely to come back. That’s the end goal of no contact. It’s about severing your unhealthy dependence on her and putting yourself first so you can
return to the man you used to be. This doesn’t happen overnight.
Many experts recommend 30 to 90 days of no contact, depending on the length of the relationship. In reality, this is an arbitrary target to aim for. What matters more is how you use this time. If you spend every one of those days stalking her social media, strategizing, looking at old photos and wallowing in self-pity, you’ll feel as bad on day 90 as you did on day 1.
However, if you engage in productive activities, work on getting your **** together, you may feel the benefits within a few weeks. By 60 days you’ll be feeling more like your old self (or an improved version thereof) and have a detached view of the relationship. By the 90 day mark you should be thinking rationally again and may realise you’re better off moving forwards rather than going back.
After my most recent breakup I initiated no contact immediately and did everything right. I focused on healing and rebuilding my life. The first few weeks were hard going, filled with pain and regret. However, by the time day 60 came around I experienced a radical shift in my perspective. I wasn’t missing my ex. I had stopped romanticising the relationship and saw it for the wretched mess it had turned into.
I finally accepted the breakup as a blessing and felt relieved we hadn’t decided to try again. By day 70 I started dating a gorgeous girl and was rediscovering the passion and excitement that had been lacking in my relationship.
There’s no guarantee this will happen for everyone in the same time frame, but you will notice your thinking changes with time and it gets easier to let go and see the positives of moving forward.
Do not treat these numbers as a countdown until you can call her up and resume your chasing and persuasion tactics. That defeats the purpose of no contact and proves you’re still the same clingy bootlicker she rejected in the first place. She never wanted that version of you, so why should she want him back 30 to 90 days later?
If you were the one being rejected, I’d recommend you avoid making contact indefinitely. Yes, really!
“Oh, but what if my ex is too stubborn to reach out first?” I hear you ask.
Thinking this way proves you’re still in that needy mindset. You’re focused on her and not on yourself.
When you chase a woman, it communicates that you value her more than you value yourself. That, right there, is why she broke up with you.
And frankly, if she’s not willing to make first contact, she clearly doesn’t care enough. It means she’s moving on and so should you. That’s hard to hear, I know, but give it time and it’ll all make sense.
