Her sudden, abrupt change in communication. What happened?

[JST8828]

I am curious how this pattern developed wherein SHE was doing all the initiating and YOU were responding? And why you weren't leading more? If at all?

It was a pattern of only a few days, first of all. Its not like this chick was reaching out to me everyday for 2-3 weeks and I never reached out to her or never asked her out. I barely had the chance to "lead more" in this short timeframe. The first text was Saturday morning when she asked if I got home alright and she told me she was out and about doing an activity with her friend. I responded that I made it home fine, told her what I was up to, and then mentioned how I had a very nice time with her. I figured ok, that was nice, probably not much of a need for anything else on that day. Then she texts me at 10:30pm shortly after I fell asleep. I responded the next morning(Sunday) and we chatted for a minute. Then she texts me Sunday night. Monday came and I had planned to text her that day, but as early as 12pm she's texting me from work telling me about her lunch. Then Tuesday was next up and she reaches out that evening sharing something she was up to. Again, all my responses were cordial, proper, and some even flirty.

Wednesday is finally when I beat her to the punch, so to speak, and at 12pm asked her out for drinks after work. She had to work late and couldn't make it, but thanked me for the invite, before sharing photos of what she was working on at work. There was no counter offer and no hint of when she might be free, even after I wrote in response to her not being able to go, to let me know when she has some free time as I'd like to get together again. That was it. Things were never the same after that. Didn't hear from her at all for days and finally Monday I reached out which led to the events that we are at now which I will not rewrite.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

It was a pattern of only a few days, first of all. Its not like this chick was reaching out to me everyday for 2-3 weeks and I never reached out to her or never asked her out. I barely had the chance to "lead more" in this short timeframe. The first text was Saturday morning when she asked if I got home alright and she told me she was out and about doing an activity with her friend. I responded that I made it home fine, told her what I was up to, and then mentioned how I had a very nice time with her. I figured ok, that was nice, probably not much of a need for anything else on that day. Then she texts me at 10:30pm shortly after I fell asleep. I responded the next morning(Sunday) and we chatted for a minute. Then she texts me Sunday night. Monday came and I had planned to text her that day, but as early as 12pm she's texting me from work telling me about her lunch. Then Tuesday was next up and she reaches out that evening sharing something she was up to. Again, all my responses were cordial, proper, and some even flirty.

Wednesday is finally when I beat her to the punch, so to speak, and at 12pm asked her out for drinks after work. She had to work late and couldn't make it, but thanked me for the invite, before sharing photos of what she was working on at work. There was no counter offer and no hint of when she might be free, even after I wrote in response to her not being able to go, to let me know when she has some free time as I'd like to get together again. That was it. Things were never the same after that. Didn't hear from her at all for days and finally Monday I reached out which led to the events that we are at now which I will not rewrite.

After reading the last few posts and then re-reading the initial post, I believe you likely were giving off strong BF vibes post sex which is usually a killer to female attraction and explains her fading away...

Essentially, she thought she was getting one thing but then you showed her she was getting something else that she either didn't want or wasn't ready for at that time.

Sounds like she wanted something more casual and you wanted something more serious. Getting too serious too soon, especially post first time sex is going to kill a lot of potential relationships.

 

[Clockwerk50]

She never ghosted me. If you read my post, you'd see she agreed to go out again. The problem was her complete change in communication. Second, as far as 99% she gave me "subtle signs", after I banged her she reached out to me four days in a row. All was well. The convo was fun and a bit flirty. The fifth day I asked her out, she said she had to work late and couldn't (which was true), there was no counter offer, and then the drastic drop off began. This is kind of why I was stumped on this one, as it wasn't a typical slow fade after an iffy date type of scenario. The only logical explanation is she had some sort of post sex clingy syndrome, and then when reality hit about going out again, she realized that she just wasn't crazy into me after all. I thank you and everyone else for chiming in, but I just don't understand the mindset on these forums of where no matter whatever the case, if a chick bows out, its basically the guys fault 100%. Plenty of women ARE whacked and have committment issues, after all.

Is "post-sex clingy syndrome" really the only logical explanation—that she just wasn’t into you anymore? really? Honestly, that sounds more like a coping mechanism than a legitimate reason. People often reassess their feelings after spending time with someone, and it doesn’t necessarily point to deeper psychological issues, emotional breakdowns, or fear of commitment. It could simply be that you exhibited red flags or crossed boundaries that weren't a good fit for her.

Attributing her behaviour to being "whacked" or blaming her for unresolved commitment issues doesn't give you the full picture especially after you were "rejected", it just makes you sound a bit like an ass. You need to look at your own role in what happened, especially since she's the one who distanced herself, and you're now on a forum asking what went wrong. The reality is often that you may have displayed "anti-seductive" traits, or something else beyond your control caught her attention.

All in all, it is not a big deal. Talk to more women.

 

[JST8828]

After reading the last few posts and then re-reading the initial post, I believe you likely were giving off strong BF vibes post sex which is usually a killer to female attraction and explains her fading away...

I'm genuinely asking nicely because I'm curious, but how do you figure I was giving off "strong BF vibes" post sex when she was the one who came to me four days in a row before I then went ahead and asked her out again, to do nothing more than get a drink after work mind you. Was it bc I simply bc I wrote to her the morning after how "I had a very nice time with you last night"? Can't imagine thats what did me in considering I was just being honest and she still continued to text me for days after that. Anything is possible, but just trying to think of anything I may have done wrong to improve for the future.

Is "post-sex clingy syndrome" really the only logical explanation—that she just wasn’t into you anymore? really? Honestly, that sounds more like a coping mechanism than a legitimate reason.

Her post sex cling syndrome isn't why she wasn't into me anymore. Thats not what I said and that would make no sense. If anything, that behavior would have indicated that she had at least some form of a good night with me that night. Something happened days later, in what literally felt like a light switch, that I can for certain tell you didn't happen after something stupid I said or implied. I've been there before and have learned from mistakes. Thats why again, I wonder how this sudden behavior change in her would be anything other than the most likely explanation.... there was another guy.

 

[BeExcellent]

All in all this would boil down to interpersonal dynamics. As a woman I expect a man to lead. That means 1. Initiate & make his interest known in doing so, 2. Asking me out without a bunch of chit chat, 3. Investing in me (time, effort, money), and 4. Being cool/relaxed through the process while showing me I'm important to him.

This is an interaction over 2 months. OP cannot say there was not enough time for him to reach out (lead) and initiate. I call BS on that.

OP expected her to do most of the work (very passive as @SegaGenesis noted). Passive in a man is a turn off. It isn't masculine.

Addionally after sex you waited 4 days to ask her out and only after she contacted you first for those 4 days? That sunk you. She felt in all liklihood like here she is chasing your passive (or no give a hoot) ass and you didn't make any effort to reward her giving you her body.

Always give positive reinforcement to a woman you have sex with if you'd like to have more sex. That means rewarding her with initiation and attention, not passively expecting her to chase you (be the man) in the interaction.

Just take the feedback you are getting here and re examine your role in the dynamics. Do better next time.

 

[Smartone84]

While I still think another guy is possible, after re-reading everything myself, I too can't rule out what the last poster @BeExcellent said. Ok, so she was coming to you day after day after the sex. That wasn't just a coincidence. She likely did have a good night with you and wanted to move forward, was waiting for you to make your next move, and no, not just by telling her you had a nice time with her the night you f-cked.

You waited until mid week, and as you say, after four days straight of her texting you, to finally go to her and ask her out. You did so by asking to grab a drink the day of. Kinda weak. From the outside looking in many could say you allowed this to go from a 7 or 8 in an upward trajectory motion down to a 2 or 3. I don't think there's any irony that her drop came around this time. Really if that night with her was that nice as you say it was, you probably should have been making plans to see her again as early as two days later. You also made it seem like asking for that drink was cool and casual but as @BeExcellent alluded to, after a woman gives you her body (not to mention her home for the entire night), typically they want to be rewarded thereafter. The vibes were you didn't exactly do that.

I still don't exactly think what you did (if it was in fact what shifted her mindset about you) should have meant an automatic disqualification, but different women have different expectations. Sometimes yes, they'll run right to you asking to see you again the following weekend. Sometimes you can in fact maybe get away with the cool and casual game more. But more times than not, you as the man need to step it up and keep initiating. I'm not talking about love bombing a chick after 2 months, but be a little more aggressive.

So that was all then? You never reached back out about seeing live music?

 

[Sega Genesis]

Also keep in mind that she may be on another forum, predominantly female, seeking her own advice and also talking with her friends.

No one knows all the nuances and in's and out's so just like on this forum she's receiving a lot of different opinions and advice. Some helpful, some not so helpful and perhaps even toxic.

OR...

After initially chasing you, she came to her senses on her own and realized this is not how it works, not for her. Thus the push back.

I can speak from experience that sometimes when we really like a guy, we don't always think clearly and can exercise poor judgment ...and chase or otherwise not act in our best interests.

Then after a bit, something clicks and we're like screw that. Sometimes that click is large enough that we become completely turned off!

I do believe this is why many men believe women are fickle (or your word - whacked) and perhaps we are. Both genders have their quirks and foibles.

This is why I am a huge advocate of addressing issues as they arise with each other versus seeking advice from friends or strangers on an internet forum. Assuming you care.

It may be too late in this situation but as @BeExcellent said, learn and do better next time.

 

[Clockwerk50]

Her post sex cling syndrome isn't why she wasn't into me anymore. Thats not what I said and that would make no sense. If anything, that behavior would have indicated that she had at least some form of a good night with me that night. Something happened days later, in what literally felt like a light switch, that I can for certain tell you didn't happen after something stupid I said or implied. I've been there before and have learned from mistakes. Thats why again, I wonder how this sudden behavior change in her would be anything other than the most likely explanation.... there was another guy.

There is something called the light switch effect. I linked it below, but the basic premise is that it describes how emotional attraction can suddenly fade, particularly for women, when their feelings shift from interest to disinterest. Women are more emotionally driven, and their behavior is guided by how they feel, often beyond their control. For example, a woman might say "the movie is making me sad," while a man would ask, "why is this movie making me sad?"

To add some context, men are typically the gatekeepers of commitment, while women are the gatekeepers of sex.

So the light-switch effect suggests that past positive experiences don’t guarantee a continued relationship, as each new emotional state creates a new reality for her. If a man stops providing value, her feelings can sour quickly—what once felt good may turn negative, and in her mind, if the relationship had true value, she wouldn’t feel this way. When a man offers no value, her legs shuts down.

In your case, her disinterest was likely triggered by something you did—whether it was neediness, insecurity, or inattention. What exactly caused it? Hard to say, but the key is to keep learning and improving your interactions with women.

The Light-Switch Effect - Why Women Re-Write the History of Relationships. | TheRedPill | Forums.Red

 

[Sega Genesis]

There something called the light switch effect.

I just posted about this^, that sudden switch/turn off.

And it can happen suddenly, just like a lightswitch!

As I've matured and become more self-aware and enlightened, it happens less often but it's still true on some level.

For myself anyway, I'm not sure if all women experience it.

 

[BaronOfHair]

If her name was Peanut, and she happened to be a squirrel, this "sudden and abrupt change of communicaton" you speak of may be the result of an unexpected case of euthanasia

 

[Gamisch]

Dude don't forget YOU made this statement:

I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I wanted things to progress more after that night. I'm not 19 anymore, after all.


You also stated you spend a pretty penny on her. I don't understand how you don't understand that you've been OOZING bf vibes. Newsflash: bf vibes turn women off. And being too distant ALSO turns them off. ...
It's an extremely slippery slope bro. You can't just show every woman you wanna be that relationship guy. It dries up the coochie. You also can't "just use her for sex". Because of this contradiction there are countless books available about the topic. Same with getting rich ( what might be easier than finding a loyal partner).

You seem to miss multiple points ..both men and women tell you several things that mightve messed it up.

Ironically your best change to get that committed relationship you want is by not wanting it..I know, it's annoying as F but that is how the game is played for a man your age. You gotta play the game level by level by level. After level- sex with her - you can still get that game over screen at any point.

You better start learning and especially understanding this FAST.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

I'm genuinely asking nicely because I'm curious, but how do you figure I was giving off "strong BF vibes" post sex when she was the one who came to me four days in a row before I then went ahead and asked her out again, to do nothing more than get a drink after work mind you. Was it bc I simply bc I wrote to her the morning after how "I had a very nice time with you last night"? Can't imagine thats what did me in considering I was just being honest and she still continued to text me for days after that. Anything is possible, but just trying to think of anything I may have done wrong to improve for the future.


Her post sex cling syndrome isn't why she wasn't into me anymore. Thats not what I said and that would make no sense. If anything, that behavior would have indicated that she had at least some form of a good night with me that night. Something happened days later, in what literally felt like a light switch, that I can for certain tell you didn't happen after something stupid I said or implied. I've been there before and have learned from mistakes. Thats why again, I wonder how this sudden behavior change in her would be anything other than the most likely explanation.... there was another guy.

Read what you wrote..."I admit I wanted things to progress more as I am not 19 anymore" and talking about chemistry etc.

This means that you were thinking in a way leading towards "serious relationship" which means you likely were acting in a way that she could pick up on or giving off other clues unwittingly that she heard loud and clear.

Women are exceptional at picking up those things and reading body language. Likely she saw you were a little overly interested and realized that she wasn't that interested in you...so she would rather just not continue than have you come on stronger.

You may not think you were doing this but if you were thinking like that you almost assuredly were doing things even on a subconscious level that reflected those intentions.

Essentially she may have thought you were "too easy" and weren't going to be a challenge and she already knew the end of that movie because she has seen it before...

Of course you'll likely disagree but based on your own words, what happened and experience that's probably the case.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Addionally after sex you waited 4 days to ask her out and only after she contacted you first for those 4 days? That sunk you. She felt in all liklihood like here she is chasing your passive (or no give a hoot) ass and you didn't make any effort to reward her giving you her body.

Always give positive reinforcement to a woman you have sex with if you'd like to have more sex. That means rewarding her with initiation and attention, not passively expecting her to chase you (be the man) in the interaction.

I hate this thread and the combative hubris of the OP but the theory here you’re putting forth makes sense, and it’s very possible this is what happened. In all likelihood, I think he out-thought himself, he was nervous and lacked confidence and was running a script. His script said that he had to be super cool and hard to get and not tip his hand. It worked enough to get in bed but that script changes when she lets you into bed with her. You don’t call her that night necessarily but you start being super nice from the jump the moment you’re in bed - you cuddle, you be sweet and then you get up and leave but you just start being nice. He is too self-involved to understand this, he’s a bytchy robot who is scared and he is not confident, too scared to admit shortcomings, unwilling to admit mistakes, fights with people he asks for help. I said it pages ago, and I hold to it.

 

[The Duke]

Op, if you care half as much about that girl as you do about this topic and the comments made.....well there's your problem! ;-). You will never be successful with women worrying so much about this stuff. Go find another one. Have a good day.

 

[The Diver]

Yes, me responding flirty and nicely to all her texts while also asking her out a few days after we spent the night together definitely sends all those unequivocal messages and definitely made her feel used!

I'm not @Be Excellent grupi, but I think if she gives you an advice from a female prospective, you will do better listening to what she has to say.

 

[Sega Genesis]

Dude don't forget YOU made this statement:

I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I wanted things to progress more after that night. I'm not 19 anymore, after all.

Yeah and it's a shame his actions reflected the opposite driven by his anxieties and insecurities fearful of appearing too needy.

Strive to find balance between showing interest and coming off as needy and desperate. You don't do this by creating anxiety in her such that she's forced to take all or most of the initiative and chase.

That's weak.

Not contacting her for four days and only after SHE did especially after first time sex was the wrong move.

May have taken her awhile to process that but once she did, that lightswitch was switched "off" and it's often difficult to recover from that when you're still allowing your anxiety and insecurity to steer your ship..

P.S. I came across a great quote today which I have found to be so true even for myself, especially on advice forums.

"We teach what we often need to learn ourselves." -- Richard Bach (Illusions)

 

[Bingo-Player]

I think what is most concerning for me is that at 39 she still doesn't know what she wants

Theres clearly something blocking her connection to you progressing be that another guy or her job or whatever

But again at 39 you'd like to think someone would be wise enough too know how to handle this situation with a bit more maturity

this type of behaviour you'd expect from a woman in her 20's not someone thats nearly 40

( think I'd actually be tempted to call her out on it , she won't like it but it sounds pretty much done anyway )

its an odd situation and I can't see anything you've done wrong maybe you're in a bit deeper than you should be , but given both of your ages this is last chance saloon time so its understandable

but you can only play the cards you're dealt with women , I have a fairly similar situation unfolding with a 30 year old chick

 

[Bingo-Player]

All in all this would boil down to interpersonal dynamics. As a woman I expect a man to lead. That means 1. Initiate & make his interest known in doing so, 2. Asking me out without a bunch of chit chat, 3. Investing in me (time, effort, money), and 4. Being cool/relaxed

Whilst I agree with every thing else , I think its fairly clear OP has attempted investment and it doesn't seem to have been reciprocated very well

I suspect OP has unwittingly done something to turn this woman off

But these are two 40 year old adults not teenagers , the interpersonal games have to stop somewhere or there is serious high risk of being alone forever

From a mans POV investing further into a woman who's giving unstable vibes ( which I think this one has done) wouldn't sit well with me

 

[BackInTheGame78]

I think what is most concerning for me is that at 39 she still doesn't know what she wants

Theres clearly something blocking her connection to you progressing be that another guy or her job or whatever

But again at 39 you'd like to think someone would be wise enough too know how to handle this situation with a bit more maturity

this type of behaviour you'd expect from a woman in her 20's not someone thats nearly 40

( think I'd actually be tempted to call her out on it , she won't like it but it sounds pretty much done anyway )

its an odd situation and I can't see anything you've done wrong maybe you're in a bit deeper than you should be , but given both of your ages this is last chance saloon time so its understandable

but you can only play the cards you're dealt with women , I have a fairly similar situation unfolding with a 30 year old chick

She may not know exactly what she wants but she's knows what she doesn't and that's OP.

 

[Bingo-Player]

She may not know exactly what she wants but she's knows what she doesn't and that's OP.

Well I think everyone has gathered that , But this sort of random unpredictable behaviour from a grown woman approaching 40 isn't exactly normal