Her sudden, abrupt change in communication. What happened?

[JST8828]

For the last two months we've gone on a few dates, four to be exact. I'm now 39, have been on many dates over the years and feel I have the distinction of being able to tell if there's really true chemistry between me and another woman over me just being infactuated with her bc she's hot/cute. This felt like something real. A connection. We're around the same age too, fyi. Anyway, after the second date specifically, which was an amazing time, she'd text me quite consistently, usually sharing something about her day. Prior to our last date, which was our fourth, she literally texted me almost everyday before we finally set up what was a nice dinner celebrating a promotion she got at work. I paid and it was a pretty penny too. She then finally invites me back to her place and I spent the night. She seemed quite adament about it too, whereas I felt maybe I would have driven home late.

The sex was decent but we both made the best of it as we both agreed that sometimes it takes getting used to each others bodies and chemistry. We eventually drifted off and she latched onto me quite a bit during the night. I know chicks like to cuddle in general, but this just felt like very, very good vibes. While it wasn't the most perfect 10/10 night imo, this also most certainly wasn't just a hang and bang atmosphere. The next morning she texted me asking if I got home ok while also sharing something about her day. She texts again the following day and then the day after THAT as well. All seemed very well and it appeared things were possibly progressing to another level now. To be clear- Early on we sort of both made it known that while ultimately we would like something long term, right now are "just looking to date". Her words which were agreed upon by me as I am in fact in a similar mindset. That said, again, here she is now having me crash at her place and texting me virtually everyday. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I wanted things to progress more after that night. I'm not 19 anymore, after all.

Then after the multiple days of communication from her following the sleepover/sex, the next day after nothing from her for the day, I reached out and sporadically asked if she wanted to get a drink after work. I thought about asking to make plans for the weekend, but I decided on this different route for a change. She said thanks for the invite but she had to work late for something on this night. She even texted me photos of what she was doing at work that night and we talked about it. It was interesting to note however that there was NO counter offer from her here which I found a bit odd. Then, in what was the real turning point here in all of this, I did not hear from her for three days straight which felt extremely odd. We had really not gone more than 2 days in the past month or so without a text. Given how nice things were progressing before and AFTER our last date, something just felt off in my gut.

Finally I reached back out and we discussed going to see some live music. She mentioned a band she liked, asked if i'd be interested, and how she'd take a look at dates and see what she had open. 2 days went by and not a word from her. Now the vibes were really feeling negative. So I then decide to reach out mentioning something about the band we wanted to see which included some research on their schedule and how it might be difficult to see them given our work schedules. There was no hello, how are you, or any kind of thank you or dare I say apology for her not getting back to me. Instead she responded with a single short sentence randomly mentioning some other band she would want to see instead, perhaps implying that they would be a better option. Everything just felt strange and impersonal. Then she mentions a date she'd be free and it is 10 days out. Mind you we were already 10 days from our LAST date (Where i slept over). I say i'll have to look into this other band. Then she randomly mentions another band she likes too. Nothing else. Just the name of the band. I then told her ok I'd look into the other band and she simply "Liked" my text. That was that. Nothing more.

At that point it was all but confirmed to me that this was now a slow fade of sorts, with the insult to injury being that I felt as if I was now some sort of "Date Dispenser" for this woman who still might want to use me for a night out. A woman who just a week earlier at one point seemed like she was almost appearing as someone that could be a GF soon. And lastly, perhaps the most important thing to note, is aside from her short, brief and impersonal slow fade style texts after not getting back to me after saying she would, there's no mention about who might be paying for tickets to see this band or anything of the such. Suddenly I started realizing that this woman is also probably hoping I just pick up two tix so she can have a night out in the city seeing a favorite band of hers. Well, not with me, sorry, as I've been almost completely turned off by all of this at this point.

I'm trying to figure out what in the world happened here and why the momentum with this girl completely fell off, why she's now acting like a typical online sex in the city type of plate with no substance. It's interesting how gung-ho she seemed after our sex and sleepover, and then at some point in the middle of that following week, after I asked her out again for a drink, things just changed instantly leading to silence from her and now extremely impersonal and brief texts. She also has not texted me since, though its only been 1.5 days. Still, the feeling is there and this feels over. I know we may never know, but I'm convinced something actually happened and this wasn't just a random mid-week change of heart after thinking about our night spent together. I think some other guy came into the picture or something to that effect and now I instantly dropped to option #2. I could be wrong. She could just be very strange. But something has changed.

 

[Dr.Suave]

You had sex, you won. Spin more plates.

I think some other guy came into the picture or something to that effect now I instantly dropped to option #2.

This is the more likely scenario but its irrelevant. Focus your energy on getting new plates (better plates, ideally).

 

[Smartone84]

A sudden change like this typically means another guy either entered the picture or she was dating someone else who she's now feeling more into. Either way, can't beat yourself up over it.

 

[JST8828]

You had sex, you won.

10+ years ago this may have been ok with me. Looking for more of a long game at this age now (39).

 

[Ricky]

This behavior is obviously not fun to deal with.

women seem to be acting like this more nowadays than previous years

id just back off for awhile and invest less in her

 

[SW15]

I'm trying to figure out what in the world happened here and why the momentum with this girl completely fell off, why she's now acting like a typical online sex in the city type of plate with no substance. It's interesting how gung-ho she seemed after our sex and sleepover, and then at some point in the middle of that following week, after I asked her out again for a drink, things just changed instantly leading to silence from her and now extremely impersonal and brief texts.

You can drive yourself crazy thinking about this stuff. Spin more plates instead.

women seem to be acting like this more nowadays than previous years

This seemed to get worse when text messages replaced phone calls for the majority of early stage communication.

A sudden change like this typically means another guy either entered the picture or she was dating someone else who she's now feeling more into. Either way, can't beat yourself up over it.

I agree that this is what happened here.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Someone else she is more interested in came along. 4 dates in 2 months is basically nothing. Essentially you might as well be unavailable so she found someone more available.

Also she likely want too impressed with your skills in the bedroom

 

[BackInTheGame78]

This behavior is obviously not fun to deal with.

women seem to be acting like this more nowadays than previous years

id just back off for awhile and invest less in her

He hasn't invested much of anything in her. 4 dates in 2 months is likely why she is looking for someone new.

I'm not saying go on 4 dates in a week but a date a week starting out usually is around the sweet spot I've found. You have to have enough face time without too much face time starting out.

Otherwise she is going to assume he isn't interested enough

 

[JST8828]

He hasn't invested much of anything in her. 4 dates in 2 months is likely why she is looking for someone new.

I'm not saying go on 4 dates in a week but a date a week starting out usually is around the sweet spot I've found. You have to have enough face time without too much face time starting out.

Otherwise she is going to assume he isn't interested enough

So let me understand… she just randomly decided I wasn’t interested in her bc we haven’t gone out enough in two months and this decision of hers happened to come after I asked her out again? Got it. Comical and juvenile opinion. You also don’t know every detail in the slightest or just how much communication we had. You also don’t know, not that it matters, that she lives quite far from me and getting together isn’t exactly the snap of a finger thing. Also, she canceled and rescheduled one of the dates early on which delayed things a bit. So yes, when you hear 4 dates in 2 months, I wouldn’t exactly call that what did me in lol

 

[Barrister]

It is the same answer as it usually in with a sudden change like this. There is another guy.

Bonus points if that "other guy" is an ex. Exes can make a chick drop everything quicker than any under the right circumstances. I didn't see you mention any ex but I have this suspicion that may be exactly what it is.

I don't think it had anything to do with frequency of your dates if your rapport was good in between said dates. Granted, 4 dates in 2 months (so a date every 2 weeks), sounds more like plate status than something getting ready to blossom into an LTR. But I would bet more on the previous thing being what caused this rather than the date frequency.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

So let me understand… she just randomly decided I wasn’t interested in her bc we haven’t gone out enough in two months and this decision of hers happened to come after I asked her out again? Got it. Comical and juvenile opinion. You also don’t know every detail in the slightest or just how much communication we had. You also don’t know, not that it matters, that she lives quite far from me and getting together isn’t exactly the snap of a finger thing. Also, she canceled and rescheduled one of the dates early on which delayed things a bit. So yes, when you hear 4 dates in 2 months, I wouldn’t exactly call that what did me in lol

Sounds like your ego is taking a beating from this.

Maybe living far away is what caused it and she didn't think it would work long-term.

Maybe some other guy fvcked her better than you did.

Maybe she didn't like something you did or said.

Whatever the reason it honestly doesn't really matter and this is still within the normal range of time that she would be dating multiple guys at once until she found one she wanted to see exclusively over time.

Unfortunately that wasn't you. Even if you asked her she wouldn't give you something that makes sense because either she doesn't want to hurt your feelings or she honestly doesn't know exactly, it's just a feeling.

Date other women. Typically in these scenarios wondering "what happened" isn't going to provide much in the way of clarity and isn't worth the mental and emotional energy it would take to dwell on it.

I've been there, and I know it sucks. Nothing you can do about it tho othe than flush it and move forward.

 

[FlexpertHamilton]

Sudden abrupt changes/pattern disruptions are always a bad sign and the only real solution is to just accept it's over, because it is.

 

[BaronOfHair]

For the last two months we've gone on a few dates, four to be exact. I'm now 39, have been on many dates over the years and feel I have the distinction of being able to tell if there's really true chemistry between me and another woman over me just being infactuated with her bc she's hot/cute. This felt like something real. A connection. We're around the same age too, fyi. Anyway, after the second date specifically, which was an amazing time, she'd text me quite consistently, usually sharing something about her day. Prior to our last date, which was our fourth, she literally texted me almost everyday before we finally set up what was a nice dinner celebrating a promotion she got at work. I paid and it was a pretty penny too. She then finally invites me back to her place and I spent the night. She seemed quite adament about it too, whereas I felt maybe I would have driven home late.

The sex was decent but we both made the best of it as we both agreed that sometimes it takes getting used to each others bodies and chemistry. We eventually drifted off and she latched onto me quite a bit during the night. I know chicks like to cuddle in general, but this just felt like very, very good vibes. While it wasn't the most perfect 10/10 night imo, this also most certainly wasn't just a hang and bang atmosphere. The next morning she texted me asking if I got home ok while also sharing something about her day. She texts again the following day and then the day after THAT as well. All seemed very well and it appeared things were possibly progressing to another level now. To be clear- Early on we sort of both made it known that while ultimately we would like something long term, right now are "just looking to date". Her words which were agreed upon by me as I am in fact in a similar mindset. That said, again, here she is now having me crash at her place and texting me virtually everyday. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I wanted things to progress more after that night. I'm not 19 anymore, after all.

Then after the multiple days of communication from her following the sleepover/sex, the next day after nothing from her for the day, I reached out and sporadically asked if she wanted to get a drink after work. I thought about asking to make plans for the weekend, but I decided on this different route for a change. She said thanks for the invite but she had to work late for something on this night. She even texted me photos of what she was doing at work that night and we talked about it. It was interesting to note however that there was NO counter offer from her here which I found a bit odd. Then, in what was the real turning point here in all of this, I did not hear from her for three days straight which felt extremely odd. We had really not gone more than 2 days in the past month or so without a text. Given how nice things were progressing before and AFTER our last date, something just felt off in my gut.

Finally I reached back out and we discussed going to see some live music. She mentioned a band she liked, asked if i'd be interested, and how she'd take a look at dates and see what she had open. 2 days went by and not a word from her. Now the vibes were really feeling negative. So I then decide to reach out mentioning something about the band we wanted to see which included some research on their schedule and how it might be difficult to see them given our work schedules. There was no hello, how are you, or any kind of thank you or dare I say apology for her not getting back to me. Instead she responded with a single short sentence randomly mentioning some other band she would want to see instead, perhaps implying that they would be a better option. Everything just felt strange and impersonal. Then she mentions a date she'd be free and it is 10 days out. Mind you we were already 10 days from our LAST date (Where i slept over). I say i'll have to look into this other band. Then she randomly mentions another band she likes too. Nothing else. Just the name of the band. I then told her ok I'd look into the other band and she simply "Liked" my text. That was that. Nothing more.

At that point it was all but confirmed to me that this was now a slow fade of sorts, with the insult to injury being that I felt as if I was now some sort of "Date Dispenser" for this woman who still might want to use me for a night out. A woman who just a week earlier at one point seemed like she was almost appearing as someone that could be a GF soon. And lastly, perhaps the most important thing to note, is aside from her short, brief and impersonal slow fade style texts after not getting back to me after saying she would, there's no mention about who might be paying for tickets to see this band or anything of the such. Suddenly I started realizing that this woman is also probably hoping I just pick up two tix so she can have a night out in the city seeing a favorite band of hers. Well, not with me, sorry, as I've been almost completely turned off by all of this at this point.

I'm trying to figure out what in the world happened here and why the momentum with this girl completely fell off, why she's now acting like a typical online sex in the city type of plate with no substance. It's interesting how gung-ho she seemed after our sex and sleepover, and then at some point in the middle of that following week, after I asked her out again for a drink, things just changed instantly leading to silence from her and now extremely impersonal and brief texts. She also has not texted me since, though its only been 1.5 days. Still, the feeling is there and this feels over. I know we may never know, but I'm convinced something actually happened and this wasn't just a random mid-week change of heart after thinking about our night spent together. I think some other guy came into the picture or something to that effect and now I instantly dropped to option #2. I could be wrong. She could just be very strange. But something has changed.

You saw each four times in two months(four times too few), and "the sex was decent" is just a euphemism for "I was any character played by Tim Chalamet in the bedroom, more so than I was Christian Grey"

This was the equivalent of acing an interview with Goldman Sachs, then proving yourself piss poor at basic arithmetic, even though you were brought on a financial analyst

 

[The Duke]

You've done nothing wrong. Don't beat yourself up. Understand women are fickle creatures. I've quit "hoping" for what something could or might be in the future. I just take it lay by lay. Lol. They are fickle creatures. Enjoy them, but learn to care less and it won't matter. You aren't quite what she is looking for or you are competing with another guy.

 

[Clockwerk50]

Everyone already said why it happened. My advise is that, if you don’t hear from her in a week, send her a text saying “forgot about me”. She will reply back letting you know why she hasn’t keep in touch with you (busy, blames it on you for not saying hi, doesn’t touch on that but ask you how you been). Don’t ask her out but keep the conversation light and fun. When the texting is over, and after that she initiates texting another day, ask her out.

But yes talk to more women since this one is drifting off, and they only thing you can do is wait and let her come around if she wants.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Everyone already said why it happened. My advise is that, if you don’t hear from her in a week, send her a text saying “forgot about me”. She will reply back letting you know why she hasn’t keep in touch with you (busy, blames it on you for not saying hi, doesn’t touch on that but ask you how you been). Don’t ask her out but keep the conversation light and fun. When the texting is over, and after that she initiates texting another day, ask her out.

But yes talk to more women since this one is drifting off, and they only thing you can do is wait and let her come around if she wants.

Not really any point...this one is toast. If you "have" to send a text to her for whatever reason I'd just send something like "seems like you have a lot going on, get back to me if things change" and then keep it moving. Just in the off chance something else is going on, but 99% it's she isn't interested.

No reason for him to continue to ask her out again when she isn't playing ball. She has disqualified herself to him or at least should have and if she wants something to happen she is going to have it be on his terms now.

OP needs to realize that you never assume relationships with women you are simply dating, especially within the first 3-4 months. Things often change rapidly and getting too emotionally invested is not a wise move.

Perhaps that is what she saw...a guy too invested too quickly just because they had sex.

 

[Chow Mein]

Let’s just say the women that are interested in you will not wait more than a few days to contact you if you haven’t reached out. Especially after you’ve banged.

We don’t know the who details on what happened, but the end result is that she doesn’t make the effort to see you. You’re way more invested in her and she knows she has her finger around you - anytime. When women no longer see you as the chase, they lose interest. That’s where you learn to play the game, this is what this board teaches, but you have to develop discipline.

In order to develop it, you have to challenge yourself to withdraw all attention from her until…or if she reaches out. If not, so be it. You know where you stand.

 

[JST8828]

Thank you everyone for all your responses. Genuinely appreciate most of them. Just to clear up a few things and respond to some...

You saw each four times in two months(four times too few), and "the sex was decent" is just a euphemism for "I was any character played by Tim Chalamet in the bedroom, more so than I was Christian Grey"

This was the equivalent of acing an interview with Goldman Sachs, then proving yourself piss poor at basic arithmetic, even though you were brought on a financial analyst

If a man needs to go into every single plate never missing a single beat, making sure a date happens every single week without a miss, being a perfectionist, right up until the bedroom where apparently he has to knock it out of the park every single time, then that sounds like pretty miserable pressure that most level headed men wouldn't want to deal with. I am also certain that if a woman judged me on certain things in all that, I wouldn't want any part of that woman. With this chick, we had four very nice dates, I treated her very well, the rapport in between dates was also very nice. The sex was decent. By no means is this grounds for getting kicked to the curb. For what its worth, this chick wasn't Margot Robbie in Wolf of Wall Street btw. An average looking, well rounded woman who I'd say was at HB5.5. If she's truly done, even though there will definitely be some disppointment on my end, then it really will be F her and onto the next. I'm spinning another plate or two as we speak anyway.

Not really any point...this one is toast. If you "have" to send a text to her for whatever reason I'd just send something like "seems like you have a lot going on, get back to me if things change" and then keep it moving. Just in the off chance something else is going on, but 99% it's she isn't interested.

You are correct. This one is toast. Well, 99% sure at least. The problem with one potentially last random text like you describe, is if you read my post, we left it off as if I'd be looking into seeing a band she likes and it seemed unofficially implied by me that I would be getting back to her after this. This is all a little unfortunate bc in no way am I paying for a ticket for this girl who went close to ice cold on me and also really sort of showed some disrespectful communication towards me when you think about it. But if we had spoke about simply grabbing a drink, well then maybe I'd bite the bullet and just go out one more time seeing how it went, while also trying to get to the bottom of her hot and cold behavior in the most subtle of ways.

Really though, I'll probably reach out saying how I'd like to see the band with her sometime and would also like to continue getting to know her, but can't help but feel like something has changed and if she ever wants to talk and catch up sometime to let me know if she's free for a drink. Its really that simple in my mind right now.

Let’s just say the women that are interested in you will not wait more than a few days to contact you if you haven’t reached out. Especially after you’ve banged.

Correct, but the interesting and somewhat different thing about this woman, as I wrote in my post, was that as soon as the morning after came, and for many days thereafter, she DID contact me. To be more clear about it all for everyone, here you go... This was all of her communication following me banging her on Friday night:

Saturday morning after I got home- A text asking me not just asking if I got home alright, while also sharing stuff about what she was doing with her day.

Saturday Night- Text from her

Sunday Night- Text from her

Monday afternoon- Text from her

Tuesday night - Text from her

In all of this, I did not reach out to her ONCE mind you. My only texts were responses to hers. I was kind, casual, and a little flirty. I only referenced our sex once to which she appeared to like what I said.

It was almost a little odd at one point, I remember feeling. The almost excessive consistency of the communication. I had responded to all these texts of course and we had brief little back and forths. But overall I felt like not only was I able to take my foot off the gas a bit, but I felt 100% IN, and comfortable that things were progressing and that she was into me.

Then Wednesday after there was no communication, I asked her out Thursday late morning to do a drink after work. She was extremely nice in telling me she had to work late, and even followed up with all sorts of photos showing me what she was working on (She is proud of her work). That was it. After that exchange things were suddenly NEVER the same.

Perhaps that is what she saw...a guy too invested too quickly just because they had sex.

As seen above, after we had sex she texted me four days in a row. I didn't text her unprompted once in all that. Only responded to hers. I then casually asked her to get a drink. If that's "Too invested" then I guess I'd have to laugh. You probably need to read peoples posts better to understand what actually happened before offering an opinion. No offense.

 

[BaronOfHair]

Thank you everyone for all your responses. Genuinely appreciate most of them. Just to clear up a few things and respond to some...



If a man needs to go into every single plate never missing a single beat, being a perfectionist, right up until the bedroom where apparently he has to knock it out of the park every single time, then that sounds like pretty miserable pressure that most level headed men wouldn't want to deal with. I am also certain that if a woman judged me on certain things in all that, I wouldn't want any part of that woman. With this chick, we had four very nice dates, I treated her very well, the rapport in between dates was also very nice. The sex was decent. By no means is this grounds for getting kicked to the curb. For what its worth, this chick wasn't Margot Robbie in Wolf of Wall Street btw. An average looking, well rounded woman who I'd say was at HB5.5. If she's truly done, even though there will definitely be some disppointment on my end, then it really will be F her and onto the next. I'm spinning another plate or two as we speak anyway.



You are correct. This one is toast. Well, 99% sure at least. The problem with one potentially last random text like you describe, is if you read my post, we left it off as if I'd be looking into seeing a band she likes and it seemed unofficially implied by me that I would be getting back to her after this. This is all a little unfortunate bc in no way am I paying for a ticket for this girl who went close to ice cold on me and also really sort of showed some disrespectful communication towards me when you think about it. But if we had spoke about simply grabbing a drink, well then maybe I'd bite the bullet and just go out one more time seeing how it went, while also trying to get to the bottom of her hot and cold behavior in the most subtle of ways.

Really though, I'll probably reach out saying how I'd love to see the band with her and would also love to continue getting to know her, but can't help but feel like something has changed and if she ever wants to talk and catch up sometime to let me know if she's free for a drink. Its really that simple in my mind right now.


Correct, but the interesting and somewhat different thing about this woman, as I wrote in my post, was that as soon as the morning after came, and for many days thereafter, she DID contact me. To be more clear about it all for everyone, here you go... This was all of her communication following me banging her on Friday night:

Saturday morning after I got home- A text asking me not just asking if I got home alright, while also sharing stuff about what she was doing with her day.

Saturday Night- Text from her

Sunday Night- Text from her

Monday afternoon- Text from her

Tuesday night - Text from her

In all of this, I did not reach out to her ONCE mind you. My only texts were responses to hers. I was kind, casual, and a little flirty. I only referenced our sex once to which she appeared to like what I said.

It was almost a little odd at one point, I remember feeling. The almost excessive consistency of the communication. I had responded to all these texts of course and we had brief little back and forths. But overall I felt like not only was I able to take my foot off the gas a bit, but I felt 100% IN, and comfortable that things were progressing and that she was into me.

Then Wednesday after there was no communication, I asked her out Thursday late morning to do a drink after work. She was extremely nice in telling me she had to work late, and even followed up with all sorts of photos showing me what she was working on (She is proud of her work). That was it. After that exchange things were suddenly NEVER the same.


As seen above, after we had sex she texted me four days in a row. I didn't text her unprompted once in all that. Only responded to hers. I then casually asked her to get a drink. If that's "Too invested" then I guess I'd have to laugh. You probably need to read peoples posts better to understand what actually happened before offering an opinion. No offense.

Not be derogatory, just simply blunt: If you're anywhere near this verbose in RL, this chick almost certainly DIDN'T share your perception ("We had four very nice dates")of the time you all spent together