Serious help. Did I overreact? What would you have done DJs?

[BackInTheGame78]

Understand this...when you date broken people, they LIKE and WANT those people that they have claimed were "terrible" to them in relationships.

When you show her over a period of time that you are different, it freaks her out because she thinks she is only worth those type of people and that you'll eventually see her for who she really is and just walk away...

So she does it first or causes all kinds of problems over small things so you will dump her.

Essentially she self sabotages because she thinks you are too good for her and she isn't worthy of being with you and doesn't want to be destroyed when you eventually break up with her so she will do it for you.

Sucks, but it is what it is. I've been in the same position. If someone tells you horror stories about ex boyfriends listen to them and walk away because that is what they want and eventually will dump you because you aren't like them.

The fact you dumped her gives you the power for now, but it will not change the outcome, only prolong it. Eventually she will dump you, you are too good for her in her mind.

 

[holycrapman]

You are in a better spot right now than a lot of men.



Why do you think you have this issue? Do you have any initial ideas about what you can do to improve on this?

I am in my 30's and I start thinking I have a future with them when I get exclusive. I start making plans ignoring red flags.

I also get tired of meaningless sex with several women and value a deep connection with just one.

There is a point of no return when I have to decide if I keep seeing a girl or not. After that, even if my head knows the redflags and everything about why I should eject, it's too late and my emotions are envolved.

This happened with this one taking into account that her behavior was great during the relationship.

She just texted and is coming home sooner. We will.see each other on Friday, she said she wants to talk. I will update you guys. Tha ks for the support. Fvck love....what goes up must go down and the down part is what we don't like.

 

[holycrapman]

Understand this...when you date broken people, they LIKE and WANT those people that they have claimed were "terrible" to them in relationships.

When you show her over a period of time that you are different, it freaks her out because she thinks she is only worth those type of people and that you'll eventually see her for who she really is and just walk away...

So she does it first or causes all kinds of problems over small things so you will dump her.

Essentially she self sabotages because she thinks you are too good for her and she isn't worthy of being with you and doesn't want to be destroyed when you eventually break up with her so she will do it for you.

Sucks, but it is what it is. I've been in the same position. If someone tells you horror stories about ex boyfriends listen to them and walk away because that is what they want and eventually will dump you because you aren't like them.

The fact you dumped her gives you the power for now, but it will not change the outcome, only prolong it. Eventually she will dump you, you are too good for her in her mind.

She just texted me to talk on Friday and I am getting the vibe that she wants to "dump" me after I dumped her, because she told me to please take the 3 weeks to reconsider. I said ok but I did not promise anything. She just took down our instagram stuff so I guess that's her plan.

I wanna be the one that ends it though. It's always been like that for me. Any suggestion to keep the upper hand?

 

[Chow Mein]

Ghost her.

That’s how you get the upper hand. Your future self will thank you for it. Never give a woman closure after bad behavior

 

[BackInTheGame78]

She just texted me to talk on Friday and I am getting the vibe that she wants to "dump" me after I dumped her, because she told me to please take the 3 weeks to reconsider. I said ok but I did not promise anything. She just took down our instagram stuff so I guess that's her plan.

I wanna be the one that ends it though. It's always been like that for me. Any suggestion to keep the upper hand?

Just tell her you are done and then walk away and stop responding to her texts.

If you really want to be vile then fvck her best friend.

 

[holycrapman]

Understand this...when you date broken people, they LIKE and WANT those people that they have claimed were "terrible" to them in relationships.

When you show her over a period of time that you are different, it freaks her out because she thinks she is only worth those type of people and that you'll eventually see her for who she really is and just walk away...

So she does it first or causes all kinds of problems over small things so you will dump her.

Essentially she self sabotages because she thinks you are too good for her and she isn't worthy of being with you and doesn't want to be destroyed when you eventually break up with her so she will do it for you.

Sucks, but it is what it is. I've been in the same position. If someone tells you horror stories about ex boyfriends listen to them and walk away because that is what they want and eventually will dump you because you aren't like them.

The fact you dumped her gives you the power for now, but it will not change the outcome, only prolong it. Eventually she will dump you, you are too good for her in her mind.

The question though is, what do you mean "see her for who she really is". What would she be.in your mind?

 

[BackInTheGame78]

The question though is, what do you mean "see her for who she really is". What would she be.in your mind?

It's not in my mind or your mind...it's who she is in her mind and that is a person who deserves nothing but being treated like trash.

 

[holycrapman]

Ghost her.

That’s how you get the upper hand. Your future self will thank you for it. Never give a woman closure after bad behavior

I have done it before with several women and maybe you are right. I just don't wanna do that with this one

 

[holycrapman]

It's not in my mind or your mind...it's who she is in her mind and that is a person who deserves nothing but being treated like trash.

I understand know, thank you

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

This is one of the reasons these women hook up with thugs and criminals - they don't feel they deserve any better and with these thugs they don't have to feel like they have to be on their 'best behaviour', which is tiresome.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

The bagagge that she had with this guy included: 2 abortions, verbal abuse, rape while she was under the influence several times and cheating.

And she was the 'victim', right? Did she ever take responsibility and accountability for staying for years in an abusive relationship?

 

[Clockwerk50]

She just texted me to talk on Friday and I am getting the vibe that she wants to "dump" me after I dumped her, because she told me to please take the 3 weeks to reconsider. I said ok but I did not promise anything. She just took down our instagram stuff so I guess that's her plan.

I wanna be the one that ends it though. It's always been like that for me. Any suggestion to keep the upper hand?

I'd personally text her saying "just tell me what you want want to say now. I don't have time to wait till Friday and don't want to waste my time" or something like that, but again, curiosity killed the cat.

If you want to break up with her just text her "I don't think there is anything to talk about. I don't wish to peruse you anymore. Which you the best" and stop responding. This will literally kill her ego.

PS: I just re-read your post. Text her you do not wish to meet on Friday and that you need “some time” without communicating with each other. Also text her that hopefully she’ll respect your wishes. That way, you can give each other some space and walk away gracefully like a gentleman. If you want to see her on Friday then that is up to you.

I know I can push people’s buttons at times, so it’s good to avoid that approach. Don't say "I don't want to wish to peruse you anymore" lol

 

[holycrapman]

And she was the 'victim', right? Did she ever take responsibility and accountability for staying for years in an abusive relationship?

Even though she held herself accountable with her **** up with me . You are totally right, it's a total red flag that she stayed with this guy for so long

 

[holycrapman]

This is one of the reasons these women hook up with thugs and criminals - they don't feel they deserve any better and with these thugs they don't have to feel like they have to be on their 'best behaviour', which is tiresome.

It's weird though because physically I am covered in tattoos, I lift everyday and my appearance is definitely not the one of a "nice guy". Internally, I gave her the full sex drugs and and roll experience with lots of **** and dirty stuff she supposedly (and I think so due to her behavior ) had not done. Also I always held frame. However, deep down, I am a gentleman outside of the bedroom and I don't consider myself to be toxic. So that's why I thought I was giving her the best of both worlds, you know?

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Even though she held herself accountable with her **** up with me . You are totally right, it's a total red flag that she stayed with this guy for so long

There's also the factor that women who date abusive men have an abusive childhood with (mostly) abusive fathers, so if they don't receive abuse, they think you're not being 'real'. Because her male role model was abusive, she doesn't trust non-abusive people. They might be hiding their abusive nature and blindside you suddenly. "Better the evil you know".

It's weird though because physically I am covered in tattoos, I lift everyday and my appearance is definitely not the one of a "nice guy". Internally, I gave her the full sex drugs and and roll experience with lots of **** and dirty stuff she supposedly (and I think so due to her behavior ) had not done. Also I always held frame. However, deep down, I am a gentleman outside of the bedroom and I don't consider myself to be toxic. So that's why I thought I was giving her the best of both worlds, you know?

If you read my posts, you'll find out that I counsel C-PTSD clients, many of them women. You did a lot of things right, but you were still 'catering to her feelings' too much. I'm of the opinion that people don't know what they want, so I give them what they need, not what they ask for.
Another thing is projection. She was probably looking for her next abuser and you looked like a likely prospect, but you're not abusive, so you make her feel too inferior. You were also emotionally invested in her, which she doesn't like (go figure!) and you shared too much (photos together on IG, that sort of thing).
Probably, if you had kept her as an occasional lover she would've hated you, but still sleep with you whenever you wanted to.

 

[holycrapman]

There's also the factor that women who date abusive men have an abusive childhood with (mostly) abusive fathers, so if they don't receive abuse, they think you're not being 'real'. Because her male role model was abusive, she doesn't trust non-abusive people. They might be hiding their abusive nature and blindside you suddenly. "Better the evil you know".


If you read my posts, you'll find out that I counsel C-PTSD clients, many of them women. You did a lot of things right, but you were still 'catering to her feelings' too much. I'm of the opinion that people don't know what they want, so I give them what they need, not what they ask for.
Another thing is projection. She was probably looking for her next abuser and you looked like a likely prospect, but you're not abusive, so you make her feel too inferior. You were also emotionally invested in her, which she doesn't like (go figure!) and you shared too much (photos together on IG, that sort of thing).
Probably, if you had kept her as an occasional lover she would've hated you, but still sleep with you whenever you wanted to.

Makes total sense what you are saying. She has en excellent relationship with her dad now but her dad was abusive towards the mom, so I guess she grew up seeing that.

She was the one that uploaded stuff on IG, I did not because my IG is for my profession and I don't mix both, but you are right, I highly invested in her.

Maybe as an experiment I will go cold this Friday and let her know it's completely over and I am done without showing much emotion. What do you think of that for maybe getting some of this nice pvssy down the road? I am not interested in a relationship anymore, that's for sure. But I like to keep my trained women for longer pleasure (sigh, I know).

I don't want to propose any FBW arrangement to her because that would imply I need her and would show scarcity. Like I am weak for her beauty.

Holy crap. All the things you start to think for some nice azz, even having the chance of having other azz. I am just surprised with myself here. Fell for this one hard.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Maybe as an experiment I will go cold this Friday and let her know it's completely over and I am done without showing much emotion. What do you think of that for maybe getting some of this nice pvssy down the road? I am not interested in a relationship anymore, that's for sure. But I like to keep my trained women for longer pleasure (sigh, I know).

Train yourself to walk away from the broken ones and not look back.

And with the next one, let her earn the attention and validation you give her. Her emotional investment has to be at least twice as high as yours if you want to keep a handle on things.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Makes total sense what you are saying. She has en excellent relationship with her dad now but her dad was abusive towards the mom, so I guess she grew up seeing that.

Her father may or may not have abused her as well, but that's irrelevant. The relationship dynamic of your parents are a blueprint for your own future relationships. Abusive people are abusive to all people they look down on. If her father looked down on the woman he married, he probably looked down on all women, his daughter included.

For you to treat her like an unbroken woman was a mistake.

 

[Grandma Penkitten]

I never unfollowed my ex (before this one) from instagram. One day she said she felt uncomfortable because for her following an ex was like keeping the door of communication open. I understood her point because she did not follow her ex so I unfollowed mine (she.did not ask to unfollow, I did it out of respect).

2 weeks after that convo, my gut told me to check her insta and I realized she and her ex had refollowed each other. She said he sent the invite and she was curious to see his profile, which after our convo seemed like non sense to me. She apologized profusely and accepted her mistake (rare in women), however the fact that she hid it from me messed with my head and I will always think she is hiding something, even if she is not.

She had optimal behavior before that which is way I feel stupid but also felt disrespected. What do you think?

Edit: I had previously told her I did not even knew her ex's name and I did not care about knowing who he was. But did know who he was

I guess when she refollowed her ex, she jumped on your stuff to see who you were following. Maybe out of curiosity. And when she realized there was an ex on the list, it made her jealous. So that is how the agreement came about in the first place. But it wasn't trivial. She asked you to prove you weren't doing something that she should have just trusted you at your word. Why didn't she trust you? Because she herself was in violation of the exact same thing.
She just did not know it would backfire and that you would check her list out.
You did not overreact. You trusted your gut when you needed to instead of being in denial.
If there is no trust in a relationship, there is no future.

 

[upcoming_DJ]

Ghost her.

That’s how you get the upper hand. Your future self will thank you for it. Never give a woman closure after bad behavior

this right here. will drive her nuts.