A Bit Confused About This Girl

[jamesfromhouston]

Have been seeing a plate of mine for awhile.

We have had sex numerous times (but mostly in the beginning).

I assume she has high IL because she would always initiate and message me. And she is always keen when I ask her out. She is generally very compliant and excited to spend time with me. She buys me gifts. She tries to surprise me with things.

But something weird has been happening recently, she seems to avoid sex with me despite wanting to hang out with me as much as possible.

Recent times I've hung out with her and tried to initiate sex, she will refuse or come up with excuses. She is keen to initiate kisses, making out but has started to hold back on her sexual contact.

I get girls can get LMR and ASD but the thing is we have already slept together several times before; I thought we've already gone past that stage.

I don't understand why there has been a change here. I would like to continue seeing her and sleeping with her but this behavior has me confused.

I personally don't think a girl with high IL will withhold sex with you but at the same time, she displays a lot of high IL behavior. So what's going on?

What are your thoughts? Should I bring this up to her? Or should I just move on?

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

I personally don't think a girl with high IL will withhold sex with you but at the same time, she displays a lot of high IL behavior. So what's going on?

She wants an LTR with you and needs to test if she can manipulate you sex-wise.

Hope that solves your confusion.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

What are your thoughts? Should I bring this up to her? Or should I just move on?

What I would do is take away my attention (your currency) and give that attention to other women, preferably in her presence, so she understands that she's relegating herself to being an 'option' instead of 'the logical choice'.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

She wants a commitment from you

 

[The Duke]

Could be anything listed above. Or she knows you are banging other girls. Or she is playing games to see if you want her for more than just sex.

Why haven't you asked her yet? That seems like the simplest way to find out the answer to your question. Afraid of the answer? IF its committment related it will probably be the beginning of the end if thats not something you want to reciprocate. I suspect its coming anyways.

Maybe she is having a herpes flair up? lol. Is she seeing anyone else?

 

[Gamisch]

Great answers, and the main reason why I lobe sosauve!

My initial thought was she's banging someone else, because women having a hard time sharing their bodies with multiple men. Anytime when there's this " sudden change " in regards to intimacy I suspect there's another man in the picture.

But all of the answer above make tons of sense and are way less doom and gloom than mine . I guess I am just wired to be suspicious like that...far from my best side tho!

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Maybe she is having a herpes flair up? lol

I didn't think about that, but a flaring herpes makes sense, especially in the short term.

But most women who start 'regulating' the sex are just checking how well they can control you. Often, when they cannot regulate the sex, they also realise that you won't allow her to control the amount of drama she can inject into your life, et cetera.

Sudden withdrawal of sex is most often a congruency test.

 

[The Duke]

The few times a girl cut me off was when she suspected I was having sex with someone else as well or she started fuhking some other guy.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Seems like my lovers enjoy sharing me over being exclusive with someone else. If they don't enjoy that anymore, they're welcome to seek their pleasure elsewhere. Doesn't change my affection for them.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

As others have said OP, she's trying to "turn" you.

Keep seeing her as usual OP but avoid physical contact completely until she gives in and starts pawing you. At that point, bend her over and bang her silly. (and if she asks "why", you haven't been touching her, you're simply "tired". Lolz)

Two can play this game. You're in Houston bro - not only do you not have to take any sh1t, you're in fact in the driver's seat.

 

[SW15]

The withholding of sex is a bad sign, especially after sex has happened.

Mixed signals (the claim of high IL + withholding of sex) are never good either.

Many men have exited solely based on mixed signals and the withholding of sex.

I suppose you could try to start a conversation with her. This would likely feel a little "blue pill" to do. The whole "communication" angle often feels "blue pill". There are behaviors more beta and blue pill than this, but the communication thing could be done here.

Actions speak louder than words though and the action of sex withholding is a clear statement. She hasn't effectively explained her withholding of sex either.

 

[Krueg]

I agree with SW15.

if you went from steady sex to no sex thats a bad sign... If shes someone you actually like I would communicate with her. But if its just a short term plate your spinnning then, whatever.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Seems like my lovers enjoy sharing me over being exclusive with someone else. If they don't enjoy that anymore, they're welcome to seek their pleasure elsewhere. Doesn't change my affection for them.

Must be the eye patch.

 

[The Diver]

Have been seeing a plate of mine for awhile.

We have had sex numerous times (but mostly in the beginning).

I assume she has high IL because she would always initiate and message me. And she is always keen when I ask her out. She is generally very compliant and excited to spend time with me. She buys me gifts. She tries to surprise me with things.

But something weird has been happening recently, she seems to avoid sex with me despite wanting to hang out with me as much as possible.

Recent times I've hung out with her and tried to initiate sex, she will refuse or come up with excuses. She is keen to initiate kisses, making out but has started to hold back on her sexual contact.

I get girls can get LMR and ASD but the thing is we have already slept together several times before; I thought we've already gone past that stage.

I don't understand why there has been a change here. I would like to continue seeing her and sleeping with her but this behavior has me confused.

I personally don't think a girl with high IL will withhold sex with you but at the same time, she displays a lot of high IL behavior. So what's going on?

What are your thoughts? Should I bring this up to her? Or should I just move on?

As others said, she using sex as a tool:" You'll get sex if I'm more than just a side gig".

 

[jamesfromhouston]

Thanks everyone for the advice. I appreciate everyone's input.

It seems clear that she wants something more than sex. Unfortunately, I only want sex with her at this point as she has not proven herself worthy of exclusivity yet.

How do I keep things casual with sex when she is trying to change the frame? Or do you guys think this is a lost cause? Can I turn the table around still?

What I would do is take away my attention (your currency) and give that attention to other women, preferably in her presence, so she understands that she's relegating herself to being an 'option' instead of 'the logical choice'.

I can certainly do that and it may be good for me. However, I don't know how to do it in her presence. The only time I am in her presence is when we are out together. Are you suggesting that next time I invite her out and do this intentionally?

Why haven't you asked her yet? That seems like the simplest way to find out the answer to your question. Afraid of the answer? IF its committment related it will probably be the beginning of the end if thats not something you want to reciprocate. I suspect its coming anyways.

Maybe she is having a herpes flair up? lol. Is she seeing anyone else?

That's a very good question that I have asked myself a few times in this predicament. For some reason, I've convinced myself that directly asking her might make me appear weird or weak. "Hey why do you not want to have sex with me." But again it could be my own limiting belief. How would you ask her?

She might be seeing others, who knows (I always assume girls are seeing other guys) but as far as I can tell, she has really high IL for me. She's always trying to ask me out, initiate things (besides sex), is obedient even when I cancel, always tries to text me, very physical when we meet up, trying to hold my hands, make out with me, also when we had sex she also got really into it, etc. Based on @Desdinova High Score Theory, I am probably very high on the list.

I didn't think about that, but a flaring herpes makes sense, especially in the short term.

But most women who start 'regulating' the sex are just checking how well they can control you. Often, when they cannot regulate the sex, they also realise that you won't allow her to control the amount of drama she can inject into your life, et cetera.

Sudden withdrawal of sex is most often a congruency test.

I have a gut feeling this is it. But I've never encountered this before. In my experience so far it has always been at the 2 ends of the spectrum. Either a girl is interested in me and will have copious sex with me or the girl is not interested in me and will absolutely not want anything to do with me. If this is a congruency test, how can I pass it? I do like the girl, but I only want to keep her as a plate for something casual and want to turn things around.

The withholding of sex is a bad sign, especially after sex has happened.

Mixed signals (the claim of high IL + withholding of sex) are never good either.

Many men have exited solely based on mixed signals and the withholding of sex.

I suppose you could try to start a conversation with her. This would likely feel a little "blue pill" to do. The whole "communication" angle often feels "blue pill". There are behaviors more beta and blue pill than this, but the communication thing could be done here.

Actions speak louder than words though and the action of sex withholding is a clear statement. She hasn't effectively explained her withholding of sex either.

Out of curiosity, how would you start it and what would you say?

 

[Agamemnon43]

If she had herpes she would have told him.

It's a congruency test.

Breakup is the most probable outcome here.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Must be the eye patch.

The magic eye patch.

I can certainly do that and it may be good for me. However, I don't know how to do it in her presence. The only time I am in her presence is when we are out together. Are you suggesting that next time I invite her out and do this intentionally?

Well, you have to be out in public to do it in her presence. Doesn't really work when you're at home.
This is 'dread game lite', where you just show her how other women are interested in getting your attention. Basically, what we used to in high school to make someone jealous - just casually flirting with another girl, so she knows that you have realistic options at getting sex from other women if she's not putting out.

I mostly have 2-3 lovers at a time, but even when I have only 1, she knows that witholding sex will just drive me into the arms of another woman. If she doesn't want to have sex, she'll be relegated to 'friend' status and I will give attention to the women who give me good sex. That is why I have relatively little drama in my relationships, despite being with women that had a tendency to try and assume control in previous relationships.

You have to establish boundaries early in the relationship. One of my boundaries is that I don't allow women to manipulate me sexually. That's my role, not theirs. If they don't like that, well, that's too bad...

 

[SW15]

@jamesfromhouston -- Look at #22 from this SoSuave website article

Sharing 25 Years of Dating Wisdom

A few days ago I turned 40 and tonight I was just thinking about past relationships... the things that went right, the things that went wrong, and the outright disasters.

www.sosuave.com

22) If a woman in a relationship begins to lose interest, it is usually impossible to regain it. The feelings you are having of confusion and fear mean something... trust your gut and move on immediately.

There is a reason why you feel confused. Listen to it. This aligns with my last post on this thread too.

 

[Rainman4707]

Have been seeing a plate of mine for awhile.

We have had sex numerous times (but mostly in the beginning).

I assume she has high IL because she would always initiate and message me. And she is always keen when I ask her out. She is generally very compliant and excited to spend time with me. She buys me gifts. She tries to surprise me with things.

But something weird has been happening recently, she seems to avoid sex with me despite wanting to hang out with me as much as possible.

Recent times I've hung out with her and tried to initiate sex, she will refuse or come up with excuses. She is keen to initiate kisses, making out but has started to hold back on her sexual contact.

I get girls can get LMR and ASD but the thing is we have already slept together several times before; I thought we've already gone past that stage.

I don't understand why there has been a change here. I would like to continue seeing her and sleeping with her but this behavior has me confused.

I personally don't think a girl with high IL will withhold sex with you but at the same time, she displays a lot of high IL behavior. So what's going on?

What are your thoughts? Should I bring this up to her? Or should I just move on?

These things are'nt complicated. Men think these scenarios are 'mixed messages'. They are'nt! If she is holding back sex, there is a reason, maybe another guy on scene.

Pull back, Dont give her your attention. If you do give her attention, you're playing into her frame.

 

[RangerMIke]

She wants an LTR with you and needs to test if she can manipulate you sex-wise.

Hope that solves your confusion.

Spot on. This happens all the time. Not a mystery.