is it normal to get ghost'd after 5 dates without warning?

[MatureDJ]

So true. Poem is way too beta of a move. No more poems in the future.

It's OVER for PoetCels.

 

[EyeBRollin]

OP, read the DJ Bible. No more dating. You need to memorize the fundamentals.

 

[PlatoPacks23]

OP, read the DJ Bible. No more dating. You need to memorize the fundamentals.

I was doing everything great till post date 5. Just thought 2 months and sex was "long enough" to be more open about how I feel. Big mistake!

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Well I need closure so I guess I have some feminine traits lol. It also would help me feel better about myself if I'm the one ending things totally moving forward and then I can throw out her stuff, gifts she gave me, pictures etc

You don't. You have entirely the wrong mindset, which is what you should be working on correcting BEFORE you start dating anyone else.

Nothing else is going to help if you continue to have this type of mindset.

 

[PlatoPacks23]

You don't. You have entirely the wrong mindset, which is what you should be working on correcting BEFORE you start dating anyone else.

Nothing else is going to help if you continue to have this type of mindset.

so guys can't have any feminine traits? that's ridiculous.

like I said, I was doing everything great for 5 dates. The mistake was being too honest with her, when I should have just not let her know how much I REALLY liked her and played more games for another 2 months.

Had I just shut up and played it cool after the 5th date probably wasn't an issue. Got too comfortable and too "honest". No honesty in dating!!

 

[BackInTheGame78]

so guys can't have any feminine traits? that's ridiculous.

like I said, I was doing everything great for 5 dates. The mistake was being too honest with her, when I should have just not let her know how much I REALLY liked her and played more games for another 2 months.

What's ridiculous is that you think you were doing great for 5 dates when you basically were just giving her more and more reasons to bail.

You can either choose to learn from this so you don't repeat the same mistakes again or you can continue thinking you did everything great and do the same thing again next time which I promise you will result in the same thing happening again.

The woman isn't the problem. Your behavior is the problem and until you accept that you won't be able to fix anything. You can try and spin it however you want to spin it. The sooner you accept the truth the faster you can evolve.

Or don't and continue getting crushed in the dating world over and over again. Your choice, not my concern really. I can only lead a horse to water, I can't force it to drink.

 

[PlatoPacks23]

What's ridiculous is that you think you were doing great for 5 dates when you basically were just giving her more and more reasons to bail.

Nah, I was playing it cool and doing everything you said (being uncertain about how I thought of her, playing games, her liking me more than I like her, mysterious etc) for first 3 dates or so. The problem was when I started being too open about how much I liked her/geting too romantic lovey-dovey too soon.

Had I known to slow it down for 4 months (instead of 2) there wouldn't be issues. My time frame was just off AND yes got too needy after date 5.

You can either choose to learn from this so you don't repeat the same mistakes again or you can continue thinking you did everything great and do the same thing again next time which I promise you will result in the same thing happening again.

The woman isn't the problem. Your behavior is the problem and until you accept that you won't be able to fix anything. You can try and spin it however you want to spin it. The sooner you accept the truth the faster you can evolve. Or don't and continue getting crushed in the dating world over and over again. Your choice, not my concern really. I can only lead a horse to water, I can't force it to drink.

I've already admitted I made mistakes post date 5 (and most likely post date 4 too), but the only difference is not revealing how I feel too early. What are you talking about? Context is important and your black and white statements aren't accurate, I've said multiple times I messed up but it's nowhere near 100% my problem with how she was talking about me BEFORE date 5. It was a reasonable assumption to think her interest level was higher, but I made a mistake in that/not understanding woman's psychology in relationships.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Nah, I was playing it cool and doing everything you said (being uncertain about how I thought of her, playing games, her liking me more than I like her, mysterious etc) for first 3 dates or so. The problem was when I started being too open about how much I liked her/geting too romantic lovey-dovey too soon.

Had I known to slow it down for 4 months (instead of 2) there wouldn't be issues. My time frame was just off AND yes got too needy after date 5.

If you say so. In my experience it's unlikely this was the case as much as you think it was.

You don't seem to understand this isn't about playing games as much as it is about having a mindset that you are the prize to be won, not her. Until you actually believe it, not much will change. You will still be coming from a place of lack and scarcity which will determine your actions in situations that end up being to your detriment. It also will eminate from your entire being...how you interact with her, your body language, your boldness or lack there of, etc.

 

[PlatoPacks23]

If you say so. In my experience it's unlikely this was the case as much as you think it was.

You don't seem to understand this isn't about playing games as much as it is about having a mindset that you are the prize to be won, not her. Until you actually believe it, not much will change.

Well after those dates she was one texting me constantly, and sending me videos, things about her day etc... which all stopped after date 5 which is why I made this thread. Like WTF happened? Lol.


And I do think I am super high value as a person, I just was being too nice and valued her as someone I liked too much.. too honest! Which can come across to the woman as needy when (as we said) I said how DEEPLY I liked her.


So yes, going forward I do see it all as playing games, since she already explicitly had told me she does that to guys a lot too.I definitely have confidence in who I am a person, but I like to be romantic (which can come across needy) and lack experience so at this point for me yes it is all about playing games lol. Hopefully it'll change one day.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Well after those dates she was one texting me constantly, and sending me videos, things about her day etc... which all stopped after date 5 which is why I made this thread. Like WTF happened? Lol.


And I do think I am super high value as a person, I just was being too nice and valued her as someone I liked too much.. too honest! Which can come across to the woman as needy when (as we said) I said how DEEPLY I liked her.


So yes, going forward I do see it all as playing games, since she already explicitly had told me she does that to guys a lot too.

It doesn't come across as needy. It IS needy AND desperate.

 

[PlatoPacks23]

It doesn't come across as needy. It IS needy AND desperate.

yeah I thought it'd be romantic good to know for future that if I "feel something deeply" it is needy and desperate especially in first 4 months (or possibly for life?)

sucks how I have to hide my personality and who I am for months lol. this dating thing is so complex

 

[BadBoy89]

anyway admittedly after hooking up I did get fairly needy... wrote her a poem thing that was probably too serious (which she hearted and said was so special... but in retrospect probably a mistake),

I can understand getting needy before having sex with a woman, but after? That doesnt make sense,

What do we want from women after having sex with them?

(1) a man wants more sex, just keep doing the same thing,

(2) If a man wants something else after having sex, what is it that he wants?

and then tried to call her twice but she didn't pick up.. (when prior to that we had talked on phone like 3 times at like 30-50 minute each time). When I tried make plans twice, first time she said she couldn't but offered another day.. then agreed to it.. then cancelled day off. Then most recently invited hr out and she said she couldn't for work but then asked me a question and then that was it.

I could understand a girl ghosting before sex, but after having sex with a guy? Even if it’s non confrontational, it’s not a good look for her.
The poem would have made her ghost before having sex, not after.

So either:

(1) The sex so bad that she wanted nothing to do with him ever again (I doubt it)

(2) She sleeps around and is a slut.

Id go with number #2.

 

[PlatoPacks23]

I can understand getting needy before having sex with a woman, but after? That doesnt make sense,

What do we want from women after having sex with them?

(1) a man wants more sex, just keep doing the same thing,

(2) If a man wants something else after having sex, what is it that he wants?

I could understand a girl ghosting before sex, but after having sex with a guy? Even if it’s non confrontational, it’s not a good look for her.
The poem would have made her ghost before having sex, not after.

So either:

(1) The sex so bad that she wanted nothing to do with him ever again (I doubt it)

(2) She sleeps around and is a slut.

Id go with number #2.

it could be that perhaps I wanted more connection and attachment with her post sex, especially trying to meet up.

and yeah she had mentioned things hinting that she has sex a lot (in past) so its probably something to #2

 

[BackInTheGame78]

yeah I thought it'd be romantic good to know for future that if I "feel something deeply" it is needy and desperate especially in first 4 months (or possibly for life?)

sucks how I have to hide my personality and who I am for months lol. this dating thing is so complex

You barely know this woman. You are trying to do stuff that MIGHT be appropriate after 2 years of dating exclusively in under 2 months.

You don't need to hide your personality as much as not be a love starved puppy dog jumping all over her and wagging your tail to constantly be pet the second a woman shows any interest in you.

I don't think you really get how off putting that is nor understand the reason why.

 

[pipeman84]

Well yes, she has depression and was married for 5+ years before (still young though) but I don’t care !

and yeah she had mentioned things hinting that she has sex a lot (in past) so its probably something to #2

Is it normal to know that information and be surprised that she ghosts after 5 dates? Is is normal that this thread was started in the first place?

 

[PlatoPacks23]

You barely know this woman. You are trying to do stuff that MIGHT be appropriate after 2 years of dating exclusively in under 2 months.

You don't need to hide your personality as much as not be a love starved puppy dog jumping all over her and wagging your tail to constantly be pet the second a woman shows any interest in you.

I don't think you really get how off putting that is nor understand the reason why.

I don't, because we were both very lovey dovey with each other on every date so far (constant make-outs, teasing, talking about our future that SHE brought up), she was also sending me very deep romantic songs.

I get that it is the GIRL who needs to be doing that, and I just "go along with it" (even if I am into it), ..

My confusion is based on the fact that it appeared for first few dates that she enjoyed this romantic element specifically based on how I read her... but I took it a step too far (or as you might stay steps too far from beginning) on text.

This is a specific confusion about her specifically, I just misread her.


And the "Woman shows interest" thing I think only became an issue for me once we had sex and I got insecure about it. Was not an issue before honestly,


I see your point though that fundamentally these are not productive ideas and frames to be throwing out even when positives outweigh them

 

[PlatoPacks23]

Is it normal to know that information and be surprised that she ghosts after 5 dates? Is is normal that this thread was started in the first place?

based on how she talked about me and her together on text, and in person it was surprising to me lol. She got so disconnected REALLY abruptly that it was a shock.

 

[PlatoPacks23]

You barely know this woman. You are trying to do stuff that MIGHT be appropriate after 2 years of dating exclusively in under 2 months.

You don't need to hide your personality as much as not be a love starved puppy dog jumping all over her and wagging your tail to constantly be pet the second a woman shows any interest in you.

I don't think you really get how off putting that is nor understand the reason why.

and to answer you, no I dont' think I fully understand why it is so off putting. the main thing seems to be it indicates other woman don't like me/social proof, because of how fast I would jump in, but from what I've read it seems to be a common "issue" with men about thinking about "marriage, kids, instantly in love with her" even in date 1 or 2, whereas with woman it's a lot slower process and they like the Chase and journey of it.

I am very new to relationships so yes, im learning more about how long this process is.. for me 2 months is a long time to be invested in someone.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

I don't, because we were both very lovey dovey with each other on every date so far (constant make-outs, teasing, talking about our future that SHE brought up), she was also sending me very deep romantic songs.

I get that it is the GIRL who needs to be doing that, and I just "go along with it" (even if I am into it), ..

My confusion is based on the fact that it appeared for first few dates that she enjoyed this romantic element specifically based on how I read her... but I took it a step too far (or as you might stay steps too far from beginning) on text.

This is a specific confusion about her specifically, I just misread her.


And the "Woman shows interest" thing I think only became an issue for me once we had sex and I got insecure about it. Was not an issue before honestly,


I see your point though that fundamentally these are not productive ideas and frames to be throwing out even when positives outweigh them

Yes clearly you do not.

This is something common women do early on with guys and it seems counterintuitive but what they are looking for is a man who shows emotional stability.

A woman's emotions are all over the place on a day to day basis due to their hormonal profile. She looks for a man who is steady as the north star emotionally so when her emotions are all over the place she feels safe and secure knowing she has a man who is emotionally stable and she can trust how he will respond to things and be there for her to help "right the ship".

A man can't do that if his emotions are all over the place the same as hers. So what she was doing is seeing how easily you are able to be emotionally manipulated. It may not have been intentional, it's just something women do, almost instinctual.

The fact she was able to get you to act the same as her by simply showing some interest tells her you are NOT emotionally stable and she will NOT be able to count on you to be that emotional rock she needs.

Essentially she gave you enough rope to see if you would hang yourself. You did.

A woman doesn't want to date another woman emotionally. If she did she would be a lesbian. She wants to date a man emotionally. Test failed by you.

Part of the reason why I said these dates didn't go as well as you thought. There were a lot of beneath the surface things that were bubbling that you missed.

 

[PlatoPacks23]

Yes hormonal profile makes sense lol. I see instinctual, interesting.

Yes before that, I was very stoic and unimpressed/more chill. 100% after the last date I got too emotional.

There were definitely things "bubbling" but the positives outweighed the negatives (at that point in the dates and interaction)... but obviously she connected more dots after date 5 and I got too needy trying to meet up couple times in same week.The main thing being I probably went from appearing to like her 80%.. to liking her 120%.

I still want to end things or get closure on it though or her perspective ... for my motivation and because "Game or not" or "saving face" or not I find it rude to try to ghost me like this after all time we spent together. That's just my opinion!


---
she had told me before on date 2 or 3 how comfortable she felt around me (what you're saying about emotions and being a rock, "right the ship"). So maybe I can get it back to that? Possible!

I know I've read it's a case of "what have you done for me lately", but I did previously indicate those traits you mentioned to her ^^.. but obviously most recently I did not lol.