End of my 3 year relationship. Your perspective welcome

[AmsterdamAssassin]

You don't think it makes sense because you are looking at it logically.

That often the first mistake.

 

[ItsBeenAWhile]

Thank you everyone for your response so far. What was/is going through her mind, only she knows, and maybe I will if we ever get back together but no matter, if it happens, it'll happen, that's not my focus at this point.

I'd like to know how I should proceed now? We both still have each other on social medias. Some have suggested being seen with other women. Should I do that? Or what should be my response now and in the future coming weeks/months? I'm normally a very "quiet" person on social media and mainly use it to stay connected with friends, family and a few interesting pages. I suppose I could also come across as intentionally trying to "exact revenge" if all of a sudden I start posting with girls when I barely posted anything in the past.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Thank you everyone for your response so far. What was/is going through her mind, only she knows, and maybe I will if we ever get back together but no matter, if it happens, it'll happen, that's not my focus at this point.

I'd like to know how I should proceed now? We both still have each other on social medias. Some have suggested being seen with other women. Should I do that? Or what should be my response now and in the future coming weeks/months? I'm normally a very "quiet" person on social media and mainly use it to stay connected with friends, family and a few interesting pages. I suppose I could also come across as intentionally trying to "exact revenge" if all of a sudden I start posting with girls when I barely posted anything in the past.

Stop worrying about what it will "look like" to her and do what you want to do.

She is not your responsibility anymore and you don't need to worry about how she will respond to it.

 

[ItsBeenAWhile]

No, it doesn't.
The way you set the boundary, you also discuss what the 'penalty' or 'punishment' would be, so the offending party knows what the consequences are for the transgression.

For instance, if you had told her in advance 'if you disrespect me, you will get the silent treatment until you apologise', then you set a boundary. By not explaining to her the consequences for her misbehaviour, you force her to figure out how to deal with your silence, leaving everything open for (her) interpretation. Your 'silent treatment' could easily be misinterpreted as 'sulking', which makes you an oversensitive manchild, not a mature person withdrawing attention.

Through some self reflection after she dumped me, I came to the same conclusion that in the future, boundaries must be communicated clearly, directly and firmly right from the start. Hadn't though about whether my actions could be construed as setting a boundary but I understand now that it wasn't.

In hindsight that was her way of saying "goodbye" and letting you go in her mind.

Had this happen a few times to me too...it's almost like they know they are going to break up but it causes them to become very lovey dovey in unexpected ways as in "one last time" and then I have to let it go...

One time I was getting ready to leave a woman's house I had been dating for almost a year and she just had this weird look on her face standing by my car door looking at me and I opened the door and asked if she was OK and she just over, leaned in and hugged me super tight and said I just needed to do that, then said she loved me.

Then it all started to unravel...

Willing to bet that was the same thing for you.

You don't think it makes sense because you are looking at it logically.

Thank you for sharing your own experience. If even sending me paragraphs about how much she loved me and wanted us to be together was a way of saying goodbye, how can you tell what's genuine? Or do you just hope for the best and go along?

 

[ItsBeenAWhile]

Stop worrying about what it will "look like" to her and do what you want to do.

She is not your responsibility anymore and you don't need to worry about how she will respond to it.

How would you respond in this scenario? So far I've done what I wanted to do and it's starting to become clear that it's maybe not always the best thing that could've been done. I don't want to make avoidable mistakes.

 

[soulforge]

No, it doesn't.
The way you set the boundary, you also discuss what the 'penalty' or 'punishment' would be, so the offending party knows what the consequences are for the transgression.

For instance, if you had told her in advance 'if you disrespect me, you will get the silent treatment until you apologise', then you set a boundary. By not explaining to her the consequences for her misbehaviour, you force her to figure out how to deal with your silence, leaving everything open for (her) interpretation. Your 'silent treatment' could easily be misinterpreted as 'sulking', which makes you an oversensitive manchild, not a mature person withdrawing attention.

This is good.

I'm actually very about clearly communicating my boundries & what behaviours are not acceptable & the possible consequences.

If she chooses to ignore my wishes, then she kinda knows why I chose to walk the F off.

This is good advice.

 

[CornbreadFed]

welp, good luck OP

 

[Bigpapa]

How would you respond in this scenario? So far I've done what I wanted to do and it's starting to become clear that it's maybe not always the best thing that could've been done. I don't want to make avoidable mistakes.

don’t chase and be needy . The more you chase, the more her attraction towards you will plump

Right now the only thing that you can do is to live your life at your fullest, and this includes talking with other women

you do not have to sleep with them if you do not feel like doing it, just talking with them is enough

pre-selection works in your favor

 

[ItsBeenAWhile]

Then for sure her behavior is weird, as usually what I said is the mistake that the vast majority of guys do in relationships but in your case it does not Seem to be

for sure it is something that was annoying her, just that is difficult to put the finger on it

maybe this will be of help if you want to get her back eventually

The Ultimate Guide on How to Get a Girl Back

The most frequent email I get from readers is of the very gracious, magnanimous variety, with readers reaching out to say thanks for writing your blog, your book, etc., and sharing perhaps some of the successes that have come from, in part, applying what they've learned from my materials. But...

www.girlschase.com

I read through it and another post on that website. What really stuck with me is "When you get your girlfriend back, it's never the same as the first time around, because there is always a sense that she has left you to find something better, and not found it. She's back with you again because she's settling for the best she can get - you." I remember now discussing with her before that if the relationship were to end, it'd be over, no coming back from that. I also don't want to be the guy she comes back to after worshipping another man or even guzzling his ***. Must be my "arrogance", which led to this breakup in the first place, according to her.

I'm going to NC her and move on with life as is. Not going to make a lot of posts on social media as if I'm obviously trying to put it in her face but I'll occasionally post about the new adventures I'm thinking of exploring now that I have more time and motivation than I did before. I'll detail the days to come on the NC specific thread.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

I'm actually very about clearly communicating my boundries & what behaviours are not acceptable & the possible consequences.

This is one of the reasons why I like the kink community: in order to be able to enjoy your kinks, you have to clearly assert your desires and boundaries so you can clearly consent.
This becomes all the more important when you place someone in restraints (rope, handcuffs, leather cuffs, chains, bodybag, whatever), because to restrain someone without consent is unlawful and a crime.
And if you do for instance Impact Play, you have to clearly state your preferred implement (flogger, yes; whip, no; paddle, maybe) and where they are used on the body and what safe words you will use to pause/stop the session.
You don't want to be vague in these type of negotiations, because the consequences can be dire.

If you're not kinky, you can still benefit from that type of open communication, because it prevents (false) allegations of rape because she said, "I like rough sex" but she forgot to tell you she doesn't like to be choked and she didn't know how to signal real distress when you were squeezing her throat.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

I'm going to NC her and move on with life as is. Not going to make a lot of posts on social media as if I'm obviously trying to put it in her face but I'll occasionally post about the new adventures I'm thinking of exploring now that I have more time and motivation than I did before. I'll detail the days to come on the NC specific thread.

After I divorced, my weekends were suddenly child-free again, so I went to kink parties pretty much every weekend. I didn't mention that on social media, but many of these parties were organised and posted on Fetlife where my ex was still a member. She didn't 'follow' me on FL, but she did know my nickname there and could see that I was going to these parties. I noticed how my ex was hostile, bitter and angry when I picked up the kids, which I found out later was because she had checked out my account on FL and could see I was enjoying myself without her.

If your ex wants to know what you're up to, she will find out that you're having a good time with other women. You don't have to rub that in. In fact, the more effort she has to do to find out how you enjoy your post-break-up life, the better.

 

[The Duke]

She told me stuff like "I didn't love her enough," "She misses her freedom being single," and a bunch of other horse****. She also complained that I was "too arrogant" because I refused to "let something so simple go" and that she is a girl and she should be allowed to do "girly things and have tantrums." (This is literally what she said. Allowed to do girly things and have tantrums.) Still, we both agreed to working it out.

Classic lines from a woman that doesn't want to be with a man anymore.

They are never straight forward in these situations. They throw in so much random bs that doesn't hold water that it throws you off. The first few things out of a womans mouth when she is complaining about a relationship is never the source of the complaint. They are indirect communicators with two distinct operating systems running in conjunction.

Here's what this is about:

She misses her freedom being single, she is a girl and she should be allowed to do "girly things and have tantrums."

This translates to:
I want some new cahk, I want to do whatever I feel like, all my friends are doing it.

Keep yourself busy, hang out with your buddies, and move forward. At some point you will look back on this relationship and see it more clearly.

 

[soulforge]

Classic lines from a woman that doesn't want to be with a man anymore.

They are never straight forward in these situations. They throw in so much random bs that doesn't hold water that it throws you off. The first few things out of a womans mouth when she is complaining about a relationship is never the source of the complaint. They are indirect communicators with two distinct operating systems running in conjunction.

Here's what this is about:

She misses her freedom being single, she is a girl and she should be allowed to do "girly things and have tantrums."

This translates to:
I want some new cahk, I want to do whatever I feel like, all my friends are doing it.

Keep yourself busy, hang out with your buddies, and move forward. At some point you will look back on this relationship and see it more clearly.

This is spot on, she is looking for a way out so she can take strange dik again.

"A girl should be allowed to do girly things, have tantrums and verbaly abuse you"

This statement here is complete BS

 

[Bokanovsky]

This is one of the reasons why I like the kink community: in order to be able to enjoy your kinks, you have to clearly assert your desires and boundaries so you can clearly consent.
This becomes all the more important when you place someone in restraints (rope, handcuffs, leather cuffs, chains, bodybag, whatever), because to restrain someone without consent is unlawful and a crime.
And if you do for instance Impact Play, you have to clearly state your preferred implement (flogger, yes; whip, no; paddle, maybe) and where they are used on the body and what safe words you will use to pause/stop the session.
You don't want to be vague in these type of negotiations, because the consequences can be dire.

Do you get their consent in writing, with a certificate of independent legal advice attached?

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Do you get their consent in writing, with a certificate of independent legal advice attached?

Of course, I have a team of legal eagles standing by.

 

[Bokanovsky]

Of course, I have a team of legal eagles standing by.

Standing by? Hopefully not in a literal sense

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Standing by? Hopefully not in a literal sense

Legal observers.

 

[Barrister]

OP,

Women never apologize except in a very superficial way. Expecting her to suddenly realize how big a b1tch she was being to you is unrealistic. It just isn't reality.

Women think they are apologizing by their indirect actions. Her reaching out to you "like nothing happened" as you put it was her way of apologizing. She thinks because she is willing to move on like nothing happened that she has adequately "forgiven" you. We don't see it that way as men - but you can never hold a woman to the same standard as a man.

All that aside, I am sorry you are experiencing this. I remember being 20 years old and being in your shoes with my first. It sucks. Go to the No Contact page for extra support, but in meantime meet other women, get in the gym and work your ass off, and keep improving either at your job or in your studies. As they say, this too shall pass. We are here for you.

 

[Bigpapa]

OP,

Women never apologize except in a very superficial way. Expecting her to suddenly realize how big a b1tch she was being to you is unrealistic. It just isn't reality.

Solid post

women do not live in this reality, and when reality hits them they become passive aggressive

I remember when a girl was insisting to see my instagram. After a while she became very aggressive that I do not want to share my insta with her. Asked her why it is so important for her my insta and she replied because she wants to see if I have a gf

I replied to her that even if I had a gf if I wanted to cheat I would not keep pictures with her there

I only remember after her looking at me and then telling me that I am a sociopath for thinking like this and then she left a couple of minutes later because she was tired of cheaters

If for them something makes sense and in reality it does not make any sense, she will not accept reality and You are the bad guy

coming to the OP, yeah his expectations were off but at the same time this was not a solid brake up motive. For sure something else was there and this only maybe precipitated stuff that would have happened either way down the road

 

[ManFromTartarus]

I'll let you go thru all the details with the good members here, I'm sure you will get some great advice from the experienced.
As I stopped reading after this...

I am 21 years old ...She was my first ...

Don't let yourself get too mired down in trying to over analyze what went wrong or what were the motives, because my simple perspective is...

This is the first steps in what will be a lifelong journey of relationships with women, as much as you should learn from what has happened with the past, you should also focus on what is on your horizon.