(Men 30/35 +) whats stops you from cold approaching? An honest conversation

[Gamisch]

I'll mention the factor I see that demotivate 30+ men from approaching strangers.

1. 30+ unattached men often have male friends that fall into at least one of the following groups. This gets worse with men 35-44.

• in multi-year LTR
• married
• married with children
• have children

The male friends that are in at least one of these categories are not going to go to a bar to serve as a wingman for their unattached friend. Typically, these male friends don't want to do that. Even if they did want to do it, they don't have to do it.

The unattached 30+ guy often has to choose between going solo to nightlife venues or focusing on another form of game (swipe apps, daygame, social media DMs). Most 30+ guys in this situation choose swipe apps. I chose daygame for the most part.

2. Bar approaching is time consuming, can require late nights, and alcohol. It is also better for extroverted personality types. Some men can't deal with this effectively. There are ways to deal with it.

3. Approaching strangers in non-bar settings while sober is difficult to do. There are men that don't have the courage to do that. The legitimate fear of rejection is a part of it.

4. Approaching strangers in non-bar settings has a low success rate. It isn't very efficient even when it is effective. It is very time consuming. Some men don't have enough time to dedicate to daygaming.

5. With aging, there are sometimes orthopedic problems that can affect gaming options. Some men have hip, knee, or back issues that would rule out some daygaming type options or co-ed sports league participation. It is difficult to predict when these will happen.

6. The men live in an area with too small of a population. If you're 25+ and unattached, you typically need to live in a metro area with 150,000+ in order to have a decent chance with gaming.

There are other ones I can't think of right now, but the ones I've listed are the bigger ones.

1.is a legitimate reason, one that probably made me unconsciously focus on 30+.

2 ,3 and 4 are interesting.. this is what i mean with interal blockades that stop us from doing this.

We all know that dude that is almost annoying to go out with anywhere. He is CONSTANTLY trying to get women. Day or night, sober or drunk . You'll constantly lose track of him like a child in a huge candyshop. And that's where i wanna be again.

I try to drop reasons to why it wont work. E.g you'll have to get groceries . You will hike. You will go the gym. Basically, you will encounter women. How you deal with these encounters, and what they mean to you is a individual POV.

To get back to 1. ; its kinda odd to go out solo to night venues. But a mediocre not motivated wingman is even worse. Imagine if there was a pill available that would take away your sense of shame and embarrassment and allowed you to dgaf and talk to women, realizing that's what women expect from us men: that we approach chase and want them.

6. Is also my point of this thread. We never know when life hits us in uncomfortable ways we didn't expect. The time is "now". 10 years from now things won't magically improve, but will only get worse.

 

[pipeman84]

2). The quality is not 10 times better based on my experience. There were 3 women at the local grocery store recently that caught my eye and looked approachable. The first one, we just so happened to be leaving together and this seemingly presentable lady got into a beat-up Nissan Rogue with dents and expired tags from a year ago. The second woman, I happen to pass again while walking to the freezing section was looking at plan B pills & pregnancy tests. She didn't look like a slut to me at first glance. The third woman was cute and got into a trashed up old roadie car with some post Malone looking guy smoking a vape in the passenger seat. I could've number closed on all of these women and walked away and not knew any of this at all. Last, this grocery store is a model store in one of the most expensive parts of the city; not some rinky dink piggly wiggly.

Exactly this.

Over the years I’ve learned the the “cold approach” is largely an exercise in futility unless you just happen to get lucky.

Instead of the cold approach, I came up with the idea of the “warm approach”. The way to pull this off is to learn to recognize IOIs from women. Men are notoriously bad at this. When you start to recognize IOIs (what I call “invitations”) from women, 80% of the work is already done.

I’ve said it before... I believe that most men get IOIs from women, but those invitations go completely over their heads. They wrongly think that no woman finds them attractive. Women think they are being extremely obvious when sending out approach invitations, when in fact they are often being overly subtle. They wrongly think that we men process hints the same way that they do.

The way I see it, why try to manufacture attraction by invading strange women’s space, when you can just approach the ones who are warmed up to you?

The other problem I see with cold approaches is that you are approaching as a beggar. You have already broadcasted that you are all-in with her, that you are assigning unmerited value to her. In this situation you offer yourself, and will abide by her decision to accept or reject you. She has done absolutely nothing to earn your favor, yet you put yourself in that Inferior position.

Life will serve up plenty of warm dishes if you learn to present yourself well and learn to recognize women’s invitations.

100% this.

4. Getting older (end 30)

That's not an excuse, it's a perfectly legit point. You're not 20yrs old anymore and you're not on a college campus. How would you look at a 40yrs old obese female who dresses and acts as if she was a fit 20yrs old chick? What's up with that weirdo, right? That's how a 40yrs old guy cold approaching in grocery stores appears to any sane female.

 

[CornbreadFed]

1. Is already arguably where things end for a man like me. I went through hell and back in life and finally settled in a smallish town.

My hometown is big, but it also means its impossible to get a decent house anytime soon. The waiting list to get a house on rent is 12+years!

4. Can also apply to real life encounters. Basically 4 is the reason why i made this thread in the first place!

Look, when you swipe right on everything but you dont get the results you want, it becomes a stalemate like situation. Meaning you have to do something else, because waiting ,wishing and praying only gets you so far. There is also tons of humiliation to be found in being passive and not getting results..its humiliating to match with subpar women 3/5 points underneath your SMV all the time and creating a reality where there are no decent women in your scope.


I do appreciate your advice though, as " getting good at OLD " is a separate topic that deserves his own thread.

@Barrister my bad i thought you meant 90k. I agree that 9k is a number and town where there's very little wiggle room.

I still managed to get laid off Tinder in rural AF Montana, but it was really inconsistent and sucked lol. You are right, swiping right on everything is a bad approach and that will result in a shadow ban.

 

[CornbreadFed]

For routine and life, I dealt with being sick a lot of May due to a nasty bug going around. I also got sick for over a week last year which threw a lot of things off. It becomes tough to get back into it after all of that.

I never caught covid and rarely got sick, at most a sinus infection from allergies which I don't really count tbh. Since everything has re-opened/vaccines I have gotten sick like 5 times, and they have all been bad.

 

[The Duke]

I'm lucky that overcoming the fear of rejection was never much of an issue for me and definitely isn't today. I've always felt that if I open with something solid, that girl can take it however she wants. I can't control how she responds, therefore her rejecting me is on her and its not personal. I realize that not all women will find me attractive, some won't be available, some won't be in the right mental space, and some aren't comfortable talking to a stranger. And thats A-OK, I don't have any interest in a person like that. They have removed themselves as a prospect and I simply move onto the next.

The only problem I have is sometimes I'm too much in my head, and not in the moment. It causes a mental block, and I can't think up
anything good to say as an opener.

My other problem is I like to win as much as possible. If I don't think I have a good shot at getting a number(winning), then I might not even try. I do however, try and size them up before going in to increase my chances. I've been with enough girls, I know what is typically attracted to me and their behaviors.

I used to go to this higher end hotel bar that was always very social and had lots of business professionals that were almost always easy to talk to. I used this as an opportunity to strike up conversations with random strangers(men & women) and improve my cold approach skills. Actually met a lot of interesting people and had fun doing it.

 

[The Duke]

That is not the worst of it. I just realized how toxic my wingmen I met from PUA Groups are and also how utterly useless as well. Most of them just b1tch and moan about the local market and complain about how other men are meeting women. Then when they do approach, it is the same old spamming women like morons and then getting mad at you for "not taking action" like the idiots they are.

A long time ago, I met some PUA guys out. They would meet up at a location, discuss, then leave to "sarge" some bar. lol, like it was some military briefing preparing for a mission. It was embarrassing and awkward. Most were as you described. They'd get pumped up from their stupid pre game meeting, then walk into a bar half-cahked, and then came the excuses of why they wouldn't approach. They also had such an awkward pack mentality, that women in the bar would pick up that something weird was going on.

I knew at the time, I was clueless with women, but I had better social skills and that PUA crap wasn't for me.

 

[Gamisch]

I'm lucky that overcoming the fear of rejection was never much of an issue for me and definitely isn't today. I've always felt that if I open with something solid, that girl can take it however she wants. I can't control how she responds, therefore her rejecting me is on her and its not personal. I realize that not all women will find me attractive, some won't be available, some won't be in the right mental space, and some aren't comfortable talking to a stranger. And thats A-OK, I don't have any interest in a person like that. They have removed themselves as a prospect and I simply move onto the next.

The only problem I have is sometimes I'm too much in my head, and not in the moment. It causes a mental block, and I can't think up
anything good to say as an opener.

My other problem is I like to win as much as possible. If I don't think I have a good shot at getting a number(winning), then I might not even try. I do however, try and size them up before going in to increase my chances. I've been with enough girls, I know what is typically attracted to me and their behaviors.

I used to go to this higher end hotel bar that was always very social and had lots of business professionals that were almost always easy to talk to. I used this as an opportunity to strike up conversations with random strangers(men & women) and improve my cold approach skills. Actually met a lot of interesting people and had fun doing it.

Great post. I like compare this with boxing and being afraid to get hit . Once you get used to the hits, it's not as scary anymore

Exactly this.

100% this.

That's not an excuse, it's a perfectly legit point. You're not 20yrs old anymore and you're not on a college campus. How would you look at a 40yrs old obese female who dresses and acts as if she was a fit 20yrs old chick? What's up with that weirdo, right? That's how a 40yrs old guy cold approaching in grocery stores appears to any sane female.

Well you are right,but tbh I'm FAR from obese. I love to work out, and by coming factor is it makes me look good and I get noticed quicker by women. Just pointing out that I am not the typical 40 y.o dudee with a dadbod, but rather in top shape.

I wonder if this weirdo thing is true. I've hardly ever got a harsh response due approaching a woman. When wrapped up and disguised in a nice package, most women seemed to actually rather appreciate it. By that i mean somewhere in the middle of being friendly vs actually hard approaching.

And what if I am wierd? I am a bit odd anyway ,that won't change due a woman's opinion. Whats the alternative by the way? Wait and see what kinda women life will bring you? Become old ,die and reminiscing about all the opportunities you've missed our on?

 

[corrector]

1) I know my looks are a 3/10 and should work on improving them. If looks are bad there is a chance of a bad approach where the police are called, she makes a tic tok video, or some other nonsence. Should be at least be a 5/10 to minimize bad reaction risks.
2) A bad reputation is worst than no reputation if you have professional licenses and a decent job to lose.

 

[member160292]

Time investment really to go alone solely for the purpose of getting numbers. The only times I go out at night are with plates and I talk to those around me. I guess you can say it’s dread game when I’m ‘innocently’ opening up to a group. We have a fun time and drink with them all night.

During my normal day to day, I just crack a grin or light banter. If we somehow are in a spot where I can actually have a conversation, I’d just ask for the number.

Online dating is just too efficient for me to see cold approaching as a viable option. I’ve had much success hosting Meetup events and following up with them via message

When I’m traveling for work, I just scope out the hotel bars nearby. Once in a while you’ll find a damsel

 

[DonJuanjr]

3. Approaching strangers in non-bar settings while sober is difficult to do. There are men that don't have the courage to do that. The legitimate fear of rejection is a part of it.

I'm starting to think cold approaching isn't as niche as we'd like to believe on here. I asked a 22 year older co-worker that's around a 6.5hb. She said she constantly gets approached while out and about that it's "very annoying"... She just wants to be "left alone". This is in a small town also.

 

[Robert28]

1) I know my looks are a 3/10 and should work on improving them. If looks are bad there is a chance of a bad approach where the police are called, she makes a tic tok video, or some other nonsence. Should be at least be a 5/10 to minimize bad reaction risks.
2) A bad reputation is worst than no reputation if you have professional licenses and a decent job to lose.

I’m a 7/10 and I’ve had some BRUTAL rejections. I’ve gotten everything from an “I’m good” to laughed in my face and everything in between.lol

 

[SW15]

I'm starting to think cold approaching isn't as niche as we'd like to believe on here. I asked a 22 year older co-worker that's around a 6.5hb. She said she constantly gets approached while out and about that it's "very annoying"... She just wants to be "left alone". This is in a small town also.

Stranger approaches during the day are somewhat niche, but impossible to quantify. Stranger approaches in nightlife venues are still common, but have declined somewhat due to swipe apps.

 

[DonJuanjr]

Stranger approaches during the day are somewhat niche,

I don't think this is true.

 

[SW15]

Having lived in a small town (pop. 9000), I can tell you that you can quickly develop a reputation if you try to approach multiple women within said town. I moved to a small metro soon after my divorce (pop. 150000) and never had a problem thereafter, but for the first 9 months after my divorce I was approaching women in town. I slept with a few of them, but the issue was there being very limited amounts of venues to approach, I quickly saw that a "poisoning of the well" could happen if you were only going to be going after women for sex in a small town. You can turn into that guy very quickly. Add in the fact that the town had a heavy religious background to it.

I shifted gears thereafter and began going elsewhere to meet women even before I moved. So there is a solution even if you are in a small town or rural area. But is IS a legitimate concern.

This is a good point and I did mentioned area size in my initial reply to this thread.

1). Because there's better alternatives than looking like a fool in public. In addition, I don't like dressing up to go the store, gym, food, and etc. If you want to cold approach then you have to always leave your place well-groomed and presentable.

These are things that happened. There is an effort to look presentable in public. At times in stranger approaching, you will look foolish in public. However, almost no one cares. People are generally too self-absorbed to notice a cold approacher striking out in public.

 

[Gamisch]

I'm starting to think cold approaching isn't as niche as we'd like to believe on here. I asked a 22 year older co-worker that's around a 6.5hb. She said she constantly gets approached while out and about that it's "very annoying"... She just wants to be "left alone". This is in a small town also.

Hmmm, somehow this feels like one of the many ways women manipulate us without helping us forward .

What I mean by that , is that to me its hard to imagine how a man being friendly is annoying. Ofcourse I understand there are limits to what a woman can handle and appreciate. But generally speaking attention and getting compliments is better than being invisible and getting ignored.

I geuss most men will confuse cold approach with spam approach. You can approach women subtlety, disguising you true intentions in such a way that you can abandon mission as soon as you feel like she isn't that interested.

E.g (freestyle from the top of my dome, as I rock rock rock rock rock the microphone); you can ask wat time it is or where the station or whatever is only to break the ice with a low effort method. She will probably also sense you actually try to seduce her and either open up or close herself off.

 

[mikedee]

1). Because there's better alternatives than looking like a fool in public. In addition, I don't like dressing up to go the store, gym, food, and etc. If you want to cold approach then you have to always leave your place well-groomed and presentable.

2). The quality is not 10 times better based on my experience. There were 3 women at the local grocery store recently that caught my eye and looked approachable. The first one, we just so happened to be leaving together and this seemingly presentable lady got into a beat-up Nissan Rogue with dents and expired tags from a year ago. The second woman, I happen to pass again while walking to the freezing section was looking at plan B pills & pregnancy tests. She didn't look like a slut to me at first glance. The third woman was cute and got into a trashed up old roadie car with some post Malone looking guy smoking a vape in the passenger seat. I could've number closed on all of these women and walked away and not knew any of this at all. Last, this grocery store is a model store in one of the most expensive parts of the city; not some rinky dink piggly wiggly.

3). I think most people are idiots and interacting with the NPCs drains me.

4). Also, I grew up low smv because I was a mixed kid in a super white town, and that killed my foundational confidence. No matter how much money I have or how much I lookmax, I will never have confidence.

Nonetheless, the apps and social circles work for me, so

1) Some people will think you're bold, some people will think you're a parasite, most people don't give a f**k about what you're doing. What is important is what you think of yourself when approach/don't approach. Personally I would feel like a fool not to approach and miss the opportunity to meet a girl I'm attracted to, just because of what 2-3 persons might think about me for 5sec.

If you care about what people think of you, not good. It means that you are insecure.
The real reason why don't approach is that you're afraid.

 

[SW15]

I'm starting to think cold approaching isn't as niche as we'd like to believe on here. I asked a 22 year older co-worker that's around a 6.5hb. She said she constantly gets approached while out and about that it's "very annoying"... She just wants to be "left alone". This is in a small town also.

I don't think this is true.

Why not? I'm in one of the biggest metro areas in the USA and I don't see a lot of non-bar approaching. I have been to the most Game saturated walking path in my city and rarely ever seen anyone else doing an approach session at the same time I was doing my approach session on that path. I gamed that path many times.

Even in nightlife venues, I don't see as much approaching as one might think I would see. A lot of nightlife is social cliques keeping to themselves. There was one night in the 2010s at one bar where I saw multiple men approaching and was impressed.

 

[Redwood]

I’m a 7/10 and I’ve had some BRUTAL rejections. I’ve gotten everything from an “I’m good” to laughed in my face and everything in between.lol

How brutal was the "I'm good?"

 

[Gamisch]

This is a good point and I did mentioned area size in my initial reply to this thread.



These are things that happened. There is an effort to look presentable in public. At times in stranger approaching, you will look foolish in public. However, almost no one cares. People are generally too self-absorbed to notice a cold approacher striking out in public.

YES ! Who will care expect the voices in your head? Who will even know you are approaching her? Perhaps you know her. People walk by and won't stop to listen and watch what happens like its an public chess game.

This is what I mean gentlemen. Who the feck even cares expect you and your own vision on life and the man in the mirror?

If I would notice a man getting rejected, i would mostly watch his hane rather than focus on the embarrassment. Especially if he's smooth with it and knows when to call it quits. Hell, if anything I would be jelous because I KNOW that he will do this again and again amd eventually catch a nice bird, while I'm "maintaining my dignity " while jerking myself to a wrist injury hahaha.

 

[Robert28]

1) Some people will think you're bold, some people will think you're a parasite, most people don't give a f**k about what you're doing. What is important is what you think of yourself when approach/don't approach. Personally I would feel like a fool not to approach and miss the opportunity to meet a girl I'm attracted to, just because of what 2-3 persons might think about me for 5sec.

If you care about what people think of you, not good. It means that you are insecure.
The real reason why don't approach is that you're afraid.

I’m insecure and afraid, not even gonna lie about it. I’ve had my ego bruised pretty bad in the past.